Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Can I Please Stop Existing?

Why is it that every time I make a decision that if ends up being the wrong one? I mean, I am pretty sure that at this moment the only decision that I've made that is correct is ending my relationship with my girlfriend, and yet sometimes I wonder about that as well, but I will not waver on that.

I am beginning to wonder if God was really being quiet this past week, if He has been quiet for these past few months, or if I was never listening to begin with. I have to admit I'm pretty mad, I think this has got to be the first time I have ever felt anger towards God for His silence, but I know that more than anything I have to look at myself and wonder what it is I am doing.

I was getting excited about returning to TFC until this morning, when Jerry discusses with me different things and the more he speaks, the more I feel afraid that I made the wrong decision. I remember telling God that I was just going to take a step in a direction, and if He wanted me to not go, then to shut that door. I am still going with that strategy, because though I want to follow God, He has been extremely silent in these decisions. Until I hear from Him, this be the path I choose. I had felt, that either way, may have been OK with Him, but now... man I'm so confused.

Have I truly learned anything these past 6 months? I mean, at this rate, I'll never reach the point I need to be at, to be the man God has planned me to be. Will I ever? There is certainly things I have to learn to take into consideration when making decisions for sure.

Altruism... it's so much of my life, it's almost like a motto, and yet I feel that I haven't followed it at all. It's not that I haven't tried, but man, I feel like a failure at life. Sometimes being human sucks. I always have believed that trials are good for the soul, but then again, maybe I never really reached the point of a true trial. I have never been so far into the dark that I couldn't find my way back out, never felt so defeated that I gave up on everything. Don't misunderstand, I have felt defeated before, but I've always pushed through, even last week. Even though last week had to be one of the hardest weeks of my life, and I'm surprised I didn't just break down and cry, I suppose there is much farther I could have still gone.

I'm too afraid of failure, too afraid of disappointing others that I want to take the safe path, and it looks like I have failed at both. Failed at not failing, and failed at not disappointing others, and I wonder, have I failed God as well? That is the scariest thought yet, for though I love my parents, my friends, my pastor, I love my God far more, and to think that I have failed Him makes me want to cease existing. How can He do anything with this useless clump of dirt? I feel useless, and yet, God shows me where He is using me, and sometimes, that is the ONLY thing keeping me going.

I hate the way life is sometimes, but I love the adventure of it's mysteries. What a conundrum.

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