Showers and Storms

2012-01-27T17:30:00.003-06:00

This week has been invigorating. I don't think there really is any other word for it.

For the past three days I've been able to delve into some deeper conversations with friends than I have been able to do in months. Tuesday a friend and I discussed an idea concerning a historical Jesus, which had started because of a misunderstanding of what he had said a week or so prior. While neither of us agreed with the idea, it led to some good conversation.

Every Wednesday, my brother and I meet around lunch time for about an hour as "blood with blood working through life". This past Wednesday was full of questions from myself and from him that we were able to go back and forth on, and I believe it lead to some answers even though all we got out of it was more questions.

And then, yesterday, I got to spend an hour with a friend I haven't seen in several months. We spent some time catching up but we ended up having some good discussion time as well, which is something I've always tended to do with him, so while it was expected it was still awesome and I was sad to leave it so soon (stupid parking meter!).

So, this week has been a week of energizing my spirit, and perhaps even some healing.

I sometimes forget how important connection through conversation is to the human soul. To explore philosophy, theology, science, etc., just for the sake of exploring it. No agenda and no plans, but enjoying the discovery and the sheer adventure of just letting your mind wander.
In other words, at least for me, Intellectual stimulation is just as important as being shown affection. It's a part of what makes me tick.

Starting two new books this week: The King Jesus Gospel by Scot McKnight, and Daring by Paul Louis Cole. One was given to me as a gift, the other was encouraged for the purposes of discussion with others. From what little I've read of both, I think I can learn quite a bit from these books. I suppose reading books like this is another way to intellectual stimulation, but nothing really beats talking with people.

I'm trying to consistent post more often. I'm hoping that more than not these posts will spurn on getting our minds thinking.

Other times though, like this post, it will probably just be small updates on how my book is going, or how I'm processing through some things. Since most if not all of my readers are people I don't talk to as often as I'd like or family, then this side of posting won't necessarily be a bad thing. It's just not my preference.

That being said, I'll leave with this question.

What is Intellectual Stimulation in regards to how you operate?

Grace and Peace

Thoughts on a Challenge

2012-01-20T09:42:00.001-06:00

I know it’s been a while since I posted, but I haven’t really had a whole lot of time. Here is a much belated Happy New Year wish.

Now, down to the reason I am posting.

I have a constantly growing list of books I want to read. Some have been impromptu, some have been suggested, and some have been directly given to me. The book that I am currently working on in that list is called Beautiful Outlaw by John Eldridge.

I have found this book to be very challenging. While the tone he sets in this book has a “conservative” feel to it, he doesn’t really touch on any of the “conservative” beliefs. In fact, most of the book isn’t based on any traditional doctrine at all. Really, it is quite fascinating.

The basic premise of the book is discovering/re-discovering who Jesus really was. His personality is so skewed by what he calls “religious fog” and it is time we get back to how Scripture shows him to be: playful, fiercely intentional, most human of all, extravagantly generous, disruptively honest, scandalously free, cunning, humble, true, and beautiful. Seriously, no matter where you are in your relationship with God, I would suggest this read if you haven’t read it already.

I’m not quite done with the book, but like I said before, it has proven to be challenging. The challenge I want to touch on right now would be this concept of “Forgiving God”. If you are like me, the first thought you just had is, “God doesn’t need our forgiveness.” No, he doesn’t. However, I’m sure that there are many of us who need to forgive him. I think everyone has something that they are mad at God about, something they resent him for, are angry about, and even blame him for. In order to truly reconcile ourselves to God, the author proposes (and I agree with him), we need to forgive him of those things we blame him for. While God has never wronged us, we often feel wronged by God anyway.

“If God really loved me, he would take away my school debt.”

“If God really loved me, he wouldn’t have let my grandfather die from cancer.”

“If God really loved me, he wouldn’t have let me grow up in an environment where I felt worthless.”

“If God really loved people, then his followers wouldn’t be the most hateful to those who are different.”

Pain, brokenness, shame, anger; every one of us has a story. I haven’t discovered what I need to forgive God for yet, but I don’t have a doubt in my mind that if I look far enough inward I’ll probably find a few things. Maybe I’ll find a lot of things.

What are some things you blame God for?

Is it something minor? Is it a deep wound?

What does it mean to forgive God?

What is keeping you from forgiving him?

Interestingly, Jesus has always been very personal and intimate with his disciples or anyone else who has approached him.

In reverence we will pray to our “Almighty and Everlasting Father” which isn’t wrong, but Jesus came to us and said, “Abba, Father”. In today’s terms, “Papa, Dad”

Can you imagine going to church and hearing someone say, “Papa, we want you to come be with us.”

Suddenly, God has gone from some distant, uncaring being to whom we pay tribute, to someone who is intimately close and intensely aware of you everything you are.

I think sometimes our idea of reverence and respect for God get in the way of our hearts being open to what he really wants to do in our lives. We close ourselves off with jargon, lofty ideas, and good intentions. I have no doubt in my mind that when we use these reverent terms many of us have every intention of showing God respect, but it limits him.

Think about Peter, a disciple who loved Jesus so intensely and so passionately. When Jesus made a move to wash his feet, Peter protested out of reverence to Jesus. Immediately, Jesus told Peter, “that is not the way this works.” Jesus never wanted to be held back from doing what he needs and wants to do in our lives.

I think I have started rambling, so I’m going to stop this post here.

Still, I hope this has provided some provoking thoughts. I hope it sits uncomfortably with you. I hope you find it as challenging as I have.

Grace and Peace.

Answers to the Question

2011-12-07T08:14:00.004-06:00

I know I posted the question a few weeks ago, but I've had to really think this one through. However, I haven't gotten much further in my thoughts than when I started. I am going to assume this is because I have never personally dealt with this. The question of course being, why do we return to the abuse.

A recent post from a friend of mine kind of triggered this one because it helped me understand a different part. -Thanks for the comments by the way, I really appreciated them, and found both to be enlightening.-

While I agree with Dan that there is definitely a chemical thing that we overlook and I liked the idea that we as humans take what we like and exaggerate it to the point of it being harmful; I also liked this idea that perhaps self-image has something to do with as well that Erik brought up.

So, I find myself back where I started, because there are so many things to take into account.

Still, I came across another thought about it. Perhaps we return to the abuse because we feel numb to the world? Like I said, this post is triggered by another (which contained this sense of needing to be and feel alive). Perhaps, we as humans, have this deep, innate, unquenchable desire to not just survive, but to live. I have yet to meet a person who likes being in so much routine that their brains go on autopilot and they stop being the individuals they were created to be. Which leads me to believe that maybe, on a subconscious level, we all find ways to keep us from becoming total zombies.

So, am I saying that people enter abusive relationships because they feel like it's the only thing that reminds them they are actually alive? It's plausible, but I can't really say one way or the other because I don't really know. But there is a reason, why can't this be one of them?

Everyone has a reason for the things they do, whether it's to start trouble or run away from it; to overeat or not eat at all; to be around people all the time or to refuse to be around people, etc. There is a reason, and I think that reason is actually a lot of different reasons all wrapped around and intricately woven into each other that they can't be picked apart like twizzler candy.

So, that's about how far my thoughts went on this, even though I spent time trying to get further. I guess this is one of those things where I have to experience it to understand it better (but I don't really want that to be honest).

This concludes my thoughts from "A Question For You"

Grace and Peace

Christian Haters

2011-12-02T07:54:00.004-06:00

I know I said I would post more on the relationship thing when I got my thoughts together, but unfortunately that hasn't happened quite as of yet, however, I did come across some comments on a video I posted to facebook recently. The video is irrelevant to this topic, however, because it isn't just this video that has procured the type of response that was presented in the comments. No it was how the "Christians" were presenting themselves that makes me want to say sometimes, "I hate being a Christian." And right now, I just need to rant a little.

Why is it, that the people who follow a God who wants to bring people to himself, feel the need to bash people with our truths and actually turn people away? It boggles my mind how unloving we can be toward others. No wonder everyone hates us!

The issue being discussed in the comments was gay marriage. To be honest, I'm not 100% sure where I stand with it, but I am looking through it and working out that part of my faith; both sides of the argument feel a little weak and blanketed in Scripture (yes, both have Scriptures to support their view). Regardless, I don't think it is right to just start spouting Bible verses at people and expect them to accept it with grace, much less to change their ways. When has that ever worked?

In a society who puts so much emphasis on intellectual and critical thinking, the Christian institution is years behind. Our churches keep trying to bring about this emotional response, but emotions are fleeting and I, for one, don't put much stock in decisions I make when I'm emotional. I try to think about the decision after I have calmed down enough to think clearly.
Still, I see a lot of people get incredibly aggressive when trying to "defend the faith". I've seen people get into screaming matches over predestination and free will. In the end, does it really matter?

In the narrative of Jesus' life we find that the religious leaders of the time went to Christ with a lot of controversial issues trying to trip him up. More times than not he would end up turning the discussion a completely different direction. I think he did that, because he knew that there was something more important and deeper to consider with each issue than just the topic on hand. I wonder if he sometimes sighs in exasperation at our simple thinking.

"I gave you critical thinking! Why are you oversimplifying this again?"

I don't think he's necessarily frustrated with us, but I think he wants to knock some sense into us sometimes.

An additional thought: I spent a lot of time at a "Christian School" and "Bible College" and let me just say that know-it-all Christians tend to cause more harm than good. I can list at least five examples where an individual did something that led to a lot of harm, and all in the name of "God". To fellow believers! While unacceptable, one might understand why there might be a schism between Christians and non-Christians. But when there is a schism between the people within the organization, trouble ensue.

I don't think we are supposed to all agree on everything. Fact is, we're probably all wrong about something in one way or another. This is why I try to stay open to how others "interpret Scripture" and why I try to truly -listen- when people are sharing how they feel about anything. I want to know and then work through it myself and decide whether or not I feel like it lines up with the God I know in such a limited way.

We need to wake up to what we are doing; people have been telling us for years. We need to get our heads out of the sand, and leave our little Christian bubble and observe, and listen, and discuss, and love.

People didn't listen to Jesus because he was some phenomenal speaker, or because he had great wisdom. No, I think people listened to Jesus initially because he showed them how much he -cared- for them. Ultimately, they benefited from his wisdom, and they were able to learn a great deal about God through him.

But, as cliche as it is, it rings true:
"People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care."

No one cares what you believe, until they see that you care about them as an individual.

And, I am probably oversimplifying things again, I do that often. So, if you have any questions, as usual, you can always post them in the comments or talk with me directly. I'd be more than happy to flesh these thoughts out with you.

Question for You

2011-11-28T07:50:00.003-06:00

I'm starting to see a trend. As most of my immediate circles consist of single people I suppose it would be easy to spot but still it catches me by surprise almost every time.

The trend is that both men and women tend to get themselves wrapped up in the "wrong person"; meaning, they are in relationships that are abusive or unhealthy in some way. I am constantly baffled by this. If you are unhappy why keep going back to that person? I suppose the psychoanalysts would probably comment on some obscure past where the individual is so wounded that they feel like at least the person they are with gives them attention. While that might play into it sometimes, I think that is a really weak analysis and that they need to look a little deeper.

I do believe that our past has a part it plays (which is why you might like one person over another) and I believe that there are wounds in our lives that influence how we treat each other, but I have a hard time believing that this is all there is. I suppose this comes from knowing some people who have actually been with good people but the relationship refused to work because of one thing or another, or from some who refuse to leave the relationship permanently because of something that drives them toward each other. Perhaps it is the result of faulty logic, but again, that would be a side effect and not always the case.

So what is it? What drives us back to the same type of people over and over again?

I have a few theories but I really want to work those thoughts out a little further before I post again on the subject. So, I ask you, the general populace, why do you think that we as a species do crazy stuff like this?

Truth about Something

2011-11-21T08:31:00.003-06:00

It's been too long since my last post. Do I even have any readers? Well, I don't really write for them anyway, hah!

I've been going through a little bit of trouble lately. Not so much in the physical sense, and certainly not a negative thing, but still trouble nonetheless.

You see, my spirit is troubled over my own complacency.

Lately I have been having these thoughts along the lines, "Is this really all there is?" Don't misunderstand, I love my job, the church I go to, and the family I've been blessed with. I believe that I am where I am supposed to be at this point in time, but I also feel like I'm missing something; like there is something else I need to be doing and I'm just ignoring it completely. This had led to several different interesting situations, and perhaps left me a little bewildered by it all.

What is that something I'm missing? Is it merely an emotion? Is it some higher task that God has called me to? Is it just the result of going through some of the emotional lows last week, and now that I'm on the rise the feeling will pass? I don't know. All I really do know is that I'm experiencing it here and now, and so I will address it.

I think writing has become a big part of who I am. That isn't really evidenced by this blog at the moment, and I hope to change that, but I do write frequently and enjoy it immensely. I enjoy it to the point of haven written over 40,000 words in a story that may never get published and desiring to continue in that story until it is complete. Which is something I've never felt before. So perhaps this is the something I'm missing?

I also think that teaching is something that is to arise in my future. Specifically, teaching Scripture to people in a public speaking medium. I in no way have the training for such a thing, and yet I can't escape the feeling. I have been out of a full time ministry position for around a year and a half now, feel hesitant to return any time soon, and yet I feel, with a high percentage of certainty, that God is going to take me back into the belly of the beast known as ministry. And it is a beast; no one else in all of the Christian circles are held to a higher standard than those who are more than volunteers in any ministry. Perhaps this is the "something" missing?

It could go beyond these things though (and I suspect that these things are part of the answer). What the beyond is I can only guess at, and I suppose this is where the "comment on the human life" comes into play today.

I think when it comes down to the grind, everyone has these points in their life where they feel troubled by a "something" or maybe a "someone". I think the most noticeable evidence of this is what we call a "mid-life crisis". However, I don't believe that it is limited to middle aged men and women. This is an underlying thing that permeates every age. To be honest, I don't know what the source of these moments are, and maybe it is different for each person, but I have a sneaking suspicion its one of God's ways of trying to get our attention.

It is also a way to become more aware of who you are as an individual. I recently just finished a book. The final book of the Inheritance Cycle to be exact. In this series of books, there is mention of a "true name" for every living and innate thing. Furthermore, if you know the true name of that person or thing, you had complete control over them. Thus, the knowledge of your true name (which revealed all of who you are for better or worse) is incredibly dangerous, but as you might imagine, can also be very enlightening. As I read I wondered, do we have true names? Now, I don't really think that there is a name out there that if said I'm just going to fall over unable to control myself, but the idea that there is a way to understand ourselves so deeply is intriguing. As one who strives for self-awareness, I think it would be worthwhile to learn my "true name" or "true self" as I'm really referring to it; however, it isn't always the prettiest and it is hard to not want to hide from the truth of it all. Definitely something to think about.

Well, I think I've bored you enough with my broken and incomplete thoughts. Besides, if I wanted to leave a novel for you to read I would have just copy and pasted my story.

Grace and Peace

Trusting to be Delivered

2011-07-04T20:13:00.003-06:00

There are many things in this world I simply do not understand. Sometimes, I do not even really understand my own responses to situations at hand.

For example, someone might say something crude at work, and deep inside of me there is something disgusted by it, and yet I laugh. I hide behind a mask of tolerance, I suppose, and I have to wonder if it really is acceptable. Of course, the answer is no. As a believer of the truths found within Scripture, I cannot say that my actions are "Okay". Yet, I still feel this thing within me that shuns away from being assertive about it all. It is not that I am ashamed of my Savior, for indeed if I was I might not mention anything about him at all. No, I believe at some point or another it intrinsically comes down to my subconscious level of trust in Him.

This 4th of July I wanted to discuss my opinions on the fact that every church around the world shouts "God Bless America", and then ignores the blessings that God has provided for them in abundance. Instead, I find myself struggling with this question that occurred to me only a few days ago. Do I trust God?

Now, I would definitely say that I have faith in God, but that really isn't the same thing is it? To have faith is to believe in something that may not be seen. Dictionary.com uses this as one of its definitions of faith:

Belief that is not based on proof.

I would say that every person exhibits faith in some form or another. Some choose to have faith in reason, some in a supernatural being, and still others in money or something else, but all operate on faith.

However, the fact of the matter is, faith is not the same as trust, and yet, we use it so interchangeably that we forget about the differences. Faith tends to be a matter of head knowledge, while trust, at least for me, tends to be putting faith into practice and operates on a level based off my heart. In fact to quote Dictionary.com again, trust is:

Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

Relying on someone is a whole lot more emotionally involving than having faith in someone.

Which brings me back to the question: Am I (are we) trusting God?

Do I trust God to provide money for that Water Bill I can't pay this week?

Do I trust God to give me the kind of job I need so that I can provide for my family?

Do I trust God to defend me when I attempt to stand for what is right?

Do I trust God to take control of my life so that it will glorify Him rather than myself?

Do I trust God?

I have begun reading a book by Brennan Manning called Ruthless Trust. And within the very first chapter, Manning makes this comment (paraphrase), "God finds Trust so enticing and desirable that Christ died for the love of it." That thought blew my mind, and it has led to a deepening in my understanding of God.

Trust is allowing myself to be OK with the fact that I may have to quit one job after only six weeks of work, to submit to another position that would be full-time because it would be closer and provide for my family better.

Trust is expecting and almost demanding God to take over me so that I can love my family, friends, and strangers with His love and not my meager attempts at kindness.

Trust is maintaining a confidence in the face of doubt and uncertainty that everything will be all right because God loves you too much to let you go.

Trust is a decision.

Love is a decision.

Trust is a decision to put all your hopes, dreams, quirks, failures, successes, everything, into the love of the Father.

Trust is being vulnerable, unarmed, undefended, naked.

Trust is about a human Being, and not a human Doing.

Trust is... Surrender.

Complete and total surrender to a Master who conquered the city of sin that I was in and being pleasantly surprised by the freedom there is in being a slave. I've never thought about it that way before.

Do I trust God? Not as intrinsically as I used to or should, no. But, and this is the beautiful part of it all; God is teaching me what it is to trust in Him again. Will you join me?

Grace and Peace

The Art of Decision Making

2011-05-14T07:55:00.002-06:00

As most of my readers probably know (if I have any more than the two that I know of), I have come face to face with a difficult decision to make. One that was made in cooperation with my wife whom I love and cherish. While this decision has been a hard one to make, I believe that she and I have made the right one, and that God is leading us in this direction. The decision being that we will be moving back down south to my hometown of Birmingham. Of course, now there are multiple other decisions to be made as well. Questions that arise would be things like: How soon should we move? When should I turn in my resignation? How are we going to pay for moving expenses? How long will it take for us to close on a House? etc. And all need some type of response, even if the response is to temporarily put it on hold until you have more information to make an educated decision. Which brings me to the point of this post.

Decision making is simultaneously incredibly easy and arduous. It's easy for some people to decide what they want to wear for the day (especially for people like me who just throw on whatever they see first as long as it matches), and there are others (to use a stereotype) who will spend hours trying to find that "perfect dress" for the occasion. We make decisions all the time without a second glance until we hit a point in our lives when the decision we make will have ramifications, good or bad, on our life. That is when many people begin to hesitate, and rightly so, about what kind of decision they should make. We all desire to make wise, good, and right decisions, but how do we do it?

I think one of first ways we should approach a decision is through logic. As I stated in a previous post, God has gifted us with a brain, and most of us can use this brain to come to logical, reasonable, and intellectual conclusions. So, it seems to me that it is only fitting to weigh out the pros and cons of a decision and approach it analytically because it is a waste of a gift that God has given to not use our brains. To go back to the decision I have had to make, when I looked at the decision from an analytical standpoint I realized that there would be a lot of good things that would come from moving down south, and not just good, but potentially healthy outcomes as well; some of which I have already seen beginning to come into fruition. So, then becomes this: Is the decision I am trying to make going to be good or bad for me?

Another approach that I believe we make as humans but do not usually think about doing it would be this approach of intuition. Many of us have had moments when a decision sounded like a good idea at the time, but something just felt wrong and thus decided to not to do whatever was suggested. This "gut" feeling can oftentimes lead to a prevention of a bad decision. For instance, if I am trying to make a hard decision and come to a conclusion about it I will either feel peace or unrest concerning my conclusion. These feelings, I believe, are partially coming from my intuition on whether or not I should pursue one thing or the other. The most amazing part of our intuition, I think, is that it is also a gift from God. It's almost as if God decided that he wanted us to make good decisions so he gave us multiple ways to approach a decision. Plus, I am sure that many of us would say that if we had not listened to our "guts" we would have probably ended up being miserable, dead, broke, etc.

Still another approach that I try to make is the opinion of my friends and family. In this, I usually have to proceed with caution because I know that if God is directing me one way beyond a shadow of a doubt, I cannot let the opinions of the ones I trust get in the way and cause me to hesitate if they disagree. That being said, I think there is great value in seeking the advice of people you trust to give you a straightforward answer. In Proverbs, Solomon alludes to the wisdom of taking council when making decisions multiple times, and the truth is humankind cannot sustain itself on the individual level. We are too wired to work cohesively as a united whole to be able to stand alone completely. That is what I believe, and truthfully "the proof is in the pudding" as the saying goes.

Finally, of course would be our approach to God with the decision we want to make. This approach is often associated with looking for the "will of God". Yet, as I said previously, that really is not the question we want to ask. What I, at least, am asking is quite simply: "What do you think?" Sometimes He will tell me directly what he thinks, and other times He waits for me to make a decision just to see what I'll do. I suppose it is similar to what a parent would do with their child growing up. Sometimes, the parent has to tell the child how to act because they do not know any better, and other times the parent can walk the child through the decision making process, teaching them how to think for themselves (even to think critically depending on the context). I believe that God operates in much the same way with us, His children. And God knows and understands better the things we could never hope to, which is why I feel that decisions, specifically "big" ones, should not be made without God's input.

Oddly, when I started writing this post I did not expect it to come out in such a formulaic fashion, but that is how it turned out as I wrote my thoughts. Decision making is anything but formulaic, but I suppose, at least for me, seeing the different approaches that can and probably should be made is helpful.

Grace and Peace

Dying to Life

2011-05-09T20:41:00.003-06:00

What is life? Or rather what does it mean to live?

I am not asking about life in the sense of eating, sleeping, or even breathing. Nor, am I asking what life looks like within the constructs of interpersonal relations on the societal, familial, or intimate levels. Although, I suppose that those constructs might be involved to some degree. What I'm really asking, or at least looking for, is what does a fulfilling life look like. A life that has value and significance. A life that leads an incredible story that when "read" by others inspires them to be greater than themselves. This life cannot be conducted by the individual alone. It comes from both internal and external influences. And if you would allow the term, a super-external influence as well; the influence of a supernatural being that we have titled by the name of God.

To clarify, I believe in a creator God who, in love, created a world full of wonders and beauty, among which humankind is one of them. This same God also gave humankind free will so as to allow them the opportunity to choose Him, which makes their devotion and love that much better. The previous statement concerning the title of the being named God was more of an objective approach than anything. Perhaps, I am attempting to sound more intelligent than necessary. That is not my intention. Moving on...

I think I would like to look at the super-external influence first. The foundation to the message of Christianity is that human is innately sinful and that the first sin committed by the first humans are what lead to physical and spiritual death. To counter the schism between God and people that this sin created, God sent his son Jesus, from which Christianity gets its namesake, to die upon a cross. This action performed by the Christ, this sacrifice, took the sin of humanity and placed it on one perfect, sinless, and holy man. This sacrifice gave humanity an opportunity to be redeemed in the eyes of a God, who cannot look at evil, through bloodshed of Christ, and thus giving them a new life. In a very real sense, when we accept Christ as our savior, we are raised from the dead.

Jesus gave us life so that even though humanity still experiences the physical death, they will have a life after death; an eternal life. However, this life does not begin after death, but rather begins the moment it is given at the confession of Christ as Lord. Like joining a company of a good reputation, it has good pay, but also great benefits. So this new life then, leads to a fulfilling life because now there is a purpose behind the madness. Where there was hopelessness, there is now a hope that can't be squelched; where there were sorrows, there is now a joy that goes beyond just the emotion of happiness; where there was chaos, there is now peace; and where there was hatred, there is now love. And these are all things that make life so much more satisfying than just going through the daily motions of whatever rituals and traditions you follow (rituals in this sense would be regular practices, and not strictly religious in nature).

The reason I started with this influence is because I strongly believe that any type of life that is had outside of the life Christ has given to us, and given us the ability to have, is not a complete and truly fulfilled life.

The second type of influence I would like to look at is the external. This type of influence is interconnected in some ways to the internal influence, but more on that in a minute. External influences are where the interpersonal relations I had mentioned early come into play, because it is by the people we surround ourselves with that we are influenced. To give an anecdote, my mother has always told me that we pick up the traits of those we choose to befriend; thus, surround yourself with people that have traits that you desire. Or, to put it more succinctly with a cliche phrase, "garbage in, garbage out." Essentially, a fulfilling life from the external standpoint comes from surrounding ourselves with people who themselves have a fulfilling life.

At this point, I believe it is important to state that I believe that we cannot have a perfectly fulfilling life until we have reached perfection in the afterlife with Christ (which is another topic all together). However, I will say that different aspects of our lives can be quite fulfilling; just as everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, so too are different aspects of our lives more fulfilling than others. That being said, I think its important to surround oneself with individuals who inspire greatness. Search for people who make you want to be better than you are. Because when you aspire to be greater than yourself, the super-external influences begin to shine through. We cannot be more than we are without the help of something that is already greater. Surrounding yourself with friends, family, and loved ones who make you aspire for such greatness will keep you from growing complacent with where you are at. When you stop learning and stretching and become comfortable with where you are, then your life is no longer fulfilling. Instead, it becomes a half-life full of dull and asinine motions that are repeated regularly with no hope for something more, something new.

Which brings us to the final influence: the internal influence. This is probably the most difficult influence to control. I hesitate to use the word control, but I feel like it is the best word for what I am trying to say. Internal influence is based solely upon one's own discipline, desires, hopes, fears, beliefs, and everything else that makes a person "tick". No matter what type of influences you encounter externally, nothing will happen to give you a fulfilling life until you decide that you want to have one. A resolution, if you will, that leads to going beyond a mere decision and into action. Nations were never changed on ideals alone, there has always been an action to push those ideals through. The same is true for an individual. For instance, I can tell myself all I want that I want to be thinner, but until I put in the effort of controlling my diet, and regularly exercising, then I might as well have had no thought at all. The effect would have been the same, and my mind may not have hurt so much from the thinking. In the same way, I can want to live a life that has significance and value, but until I act upon the influences around me, and find things to do that are seen as significant and valuable, then all I am doing is wasting my potential on something that will not happen.

Obviously, there is much more that could be said on the subject. Things that I have considered but have not pondered through, or things that I would not have ever thought about, but that is the beauty of exploration. I dare to be wrong in the hopes of being right. The most beautiful and painful thing about having a fulfilling life (and perhaps the hardest aspect of internal influence), is that to truly live one must die. One must cast away their own hopes, dreams, fears, wants, needs, sorrows, and joys to take on those of another. Which brings us back to the super-external. When we take on Christ's aspirations, we discover what it really means to love. To live is to give all of yourself to this selfless, unconditional, gracious love. A love that can be defined by the term Altruism, and one I have not used in some time. I suppose, if I were to wrap up all that I've said into a sentence it would be this:

True life begins when you die at the hands of Altruism, because when you are more concerned about others than yourself you begin to see what life is all about.

These are just thoughts of a 20-something year old trying understand life as he sees it now. And that is where I end this post. As always, you are more than welcome to post your own ideas and opinions. After all, discussion is great for refining thoughts so, who knows?

Grace and Peace

Will or Will Not?

2011-05-06T08:45:00.005-06:00

What is the "will of God"? I constantly hear about how we just need to, "seek the will of God," and wait for Him to give us direction. I know that I have said things like this in the past as well. In fact, I would say that even now I probably would use the terminology as I try to discern what is the correct course of action. But all that being said, the question still is this: What is the will of God?

Now obviously there is something to be said for the Great Commission. It's pretty obvious that Christ wanted us to go out and share the truth of His gospel. That is to say, He wants us to share about the salvation He is offering to all humankind. I would say that following this command would be within the will of God, and many would, at the very least, agree if not take it further by saying it is the will of God. In the Old Testament God spent time teaching His people, the Hebrews, what His will was by giving them the law. The very same law that many of them adhere to today when they can. This law encouraged actions that were beneficial to others, and despised the actions that caused harm. And this too, is within God's will. Suppose now that these two examples could fit under one category, which is to love God with all our hearts, souls, minds, and strength.

Jesus himself said that this was the greatest commandment, and then added that the second greatest is to love others. Jesus also stated that, "If you love me, you will obey my commands." Because Jesus claimed to be God, it is easy to say then that God wills us to obey the commands He has given us, and to do so out of a love for Him. I suppose this is why free will appealed to Him so much. I believe it is safe to say then that the will of God is that we freely choose to love Him and thus obey his standard given to us through His commands found within Scripture.

If this is the will of God, then perhaps we are seeking the wrong answer when we say that we are seeking the will of God. Perhaps, what we really are looking for is God's advice. Now, I don't mean advice in the sense that I would ask my friend for their opinion in which way I should do this or that, but rather in the way I would ask the for the advice of my parents in how to do something. I think what we are really asking God when we are seeking his will is closer to the question, "How do I follow the will of God." To which I respond: is what you are about to do showing love to God and is in accordance with the standard? Then you are following the will of God.

However, there is a fine line in our perceptions of this. Even the best intentions can end up making situations worse. So then we get to the real question that is behind all this seeking, "Is this or that what I am supposed to do?" And this is where I am stuck. What I truly seek is God's voice telling me, "this is what you should do for this situation." But, the truth is, God rarely gives me such a direct answer. I think often times He wants us to actually use the minds He has gifted us with. I think He wants us to make a decision based upon logic and reasoning, but also discernment must be involved. He is quick to gently guide us back to the point where we went wrong as long as we are open to His instruction, but I think most times the decision still remains with us.

This isn't to say that God just abandons us to make decisions on our own, but I also do not think that He will "spoon feed" us the answers either. Maybe He likes to see what we'll do and How we'll do it.

But all this is just the ramblings and opinions of one individual. I would like to hear the thoughts of others on the subject. I apologize if anything I said seems contrary or confusing. I have been slightly distracted when writing this by my nephews. Overall, it is just some thoughts.

My Life is a Story

2011-04-15T13:44:00.002-06:00

All too often we take things for granted. Recently, Japan was slammed with two relatively close together earthquakes and a massive tsunami in between. Many people lost their homes, family, and some even lost their lives. Just days before those same people were making plans that were taking place the day the earthquakes and tsunami occurred.

I know that so many people have had moments where they realize that life is beyond our homes, our cities, or even our country. We can gripe and complain all we want about how our jobs are annoying us, how we disapprove of how our government is run, but ultimately it comes to nothing. In the greatest success or the worst failures our purpose cannot be found. As it says in Ecclesiastes, "It's all meaningless."

I cannot go through life as an audience to my story. Instead, I want to be an active participant. A side character to the protagonist, if you will. If the world is a stage, then perhaps I could be the background musician in this concert of life. The lead, of course, belongs to Christ. His story brings about a purpose to every event I have experienced. The events that lead to a climax that our history has yet to experience. I look forward to that day.

You may choose to believe that there is no God, or that what the Christians believe is a bunch of ravings of a mad man and his insane followers. However, I believe that the way of life, of living really, depicted in a series of books that have proven consistent for over two thousand years, known as a religious text by some, and the Word of God by others is the correct way to live. Nothing else that I have read, seen, or even heard brought before me seems to focus on the benefit of others like Scripture. Nothing else seems to show a way, that if executed perfectly, could lead to a world peace. A peace, I might add, that man people desire but do not know how to live it.

I choose to live my story this way because nothing else can give me what I want and need. A holistic identity that comes only from a being not with my understanding. A supernatural deity, if you will, whose infinite dwarfs my finite. So, I will live for something greater than myself in hope that a greater future lay ahead. To quote a character from the recently released move Sucker Punch:

"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything ."

And, Honestly, if there is no hope that drives you, then why bother with anything?

Grace and Peace

Paradox

2011-02-20T18:35:00.003-06:00

I am no genius, but I am smart.

I am no Superman, but I am not weak.

I am never alone, but I am often by myself.

People don't get me, but I am understood.

I can do nothing, but I'm not helpless.

My life is a paradox.

Such is the Christian life, no? We live in an upside-down reality. Where the world says success comes from getting all the wealth you can; Christ said to give it all away. Where the world says love is all about the feeling; Christ pointed out that it was all about choice. Where the world says that the life is all about the individual; Christ said that it was all about the many. To love God first, and then to love others.

Christianity is very much a paradox to life, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Meaningful out of the Meaningless

2011-02-10T10:12:00.001-06:00

If there is one thing I miss more than anything else at the moment, it would have to be the meaningful conversations I used to have with my friends while at college, or even in high school. I cannot remember the last time I spent an hour or more just sitting and talking about life, love, God, or any other topic concerning humanity. I deeply, truly miss it. It might have been those types of conversations that led to some of the biggest changes and shifts in my perceptions of said topics. Maybe, it is simply because I am impressionable, or because the discussions I had were with friends that at times I wanted to be like; whatever the case, I know that I am different from who I was because of conversations like that.

I don't really have meaningful conversations anymore. Sometimes, my wife and I will talk about something with significance, but that usually occurs because we need to resolve an issue, or it is concerns an aspect of the story I've been working on. Otherwise, I don't really have friends here who I can talk to about absolutely nothing, and everything at the same time.

However, I can't say that meaningful conversations are the only thing I miss. I also miss the feeling that I'm doing something meaningful with my life. I look at my life and ask questions like: “What am I doing that can impact another in a positive way?” or, “How am I doing anything significant where I am at now?” But the truth is, I just never learned to fully appreciate how even a friendly smile can be meaningful for someone else. It seems that I have fallen into a trap that I never wanted to be in. I think that I had subconsciously come to the belief that only when I was in ministry that I was doing something significant. This is a mindset that makes me blanch, and one that I have fought against for about as long as I've been able to understand the negative aspects of the mindset.

The truth is, there are thousands of Christians who, every day, put meaning in the work that they do. Every day they go to work and share the Master's way through their words, their attitudes, and their lifestyle, and here I am feeling so insignificant because there is no grandiose title that says “look at me, I'm doing good stuff for God!” What a way to start an ego trip. I'm actually glad that I'm not working for a church at the moment. It has been very good for me.

I am working on fully understanding what it means to find significance in what I do. Let's be honest here, working in retail doesn't really change the world; however, on the bright side, all the people you interact with and leave a good impression with can lead to a life that is changed one day at a time. So, although I'm not where I want to be, I know I am where I need to be. I am thankful for the moments like this when God makes me realize something that I didn't even realize I had done. He is everything meaningful in all the “meaningless” times I experience, and I know that one day I will be given the opportunity to have a plethora of meaningful conversations again, and I know that every day is a chance to do something meaningful, if only for one person. It is something worth pursuing, even if only one individual is impacted.

Just some thoughts.

Grace and Peace.

Updates 101

2011-02-04T14:51:00.003-06:00

So, I haven't really written in this blog in a while, and I figured it was about time I did so.

Life has definitely been full of ups and downs, lefts and rights, and even some diagonals. While I have had quite a few good things happen to me in the past few months, the reality is that growing up has not gotten any easier, and it still sucks.

Lately, my wife and I have been having trouble with the people she got a school loan with. They call endlessly, are generally uninformed of the things we have done to correct problems or make up payments that we are behind, and do not do what they say they will do. So, despite doing our best to take care of the loan payments, they are not making it easy, and it is hurting our pocket book quite a bit. Of course, this would not be such an issue if I did not have to make payments to my school, or try to find ways to rent an apartment and finally get out of my in-laws house.

Don't get me wrong, I am completely grateful to my in-laws for housing us, but I want to get out. I feel a little trapped within the walls of the house, and I'm constantly on my toes. I need a place for my own, and I don't want to burden them any more than I already have been (though, they would never admit that).

I am grateful for having a job, but truthfully I don't have the hours or pay I need to satisfy the greedy loans. I'm hoping that I will actually have some type of return for taxes, even if it is small. Still, a small paycheck is better than no paycheck. And I can't really say that everything is awful, because it's not. I still have a roof over my head, I still have family who loves and cares for me, I still have friends who actually like to talk to me, and God is still providing for me in ways that blow my mind, including financially.

So, all that to say, "Hi, I'm still alive." Things really aren't all that bad, it just feels overbearing at times.

Grace and Peace

On Claiming Sin

2010-08-17T19:34:00.002-06:00

Over the past week I have come to recognize something that disturbs me a little. It first dawned on my during Sunday School this past week, but then revealed itself more throughout the week as I continued my studies in Job. The thing I came to realize is this. People are very quick to claim sin on something. Prime example would be that gambling is a sin. But the truth is, just as drinking is not a sin, I do not think buying a lottery ticket is a sin, or spending money at the slot machines. The only time I take issue with people drinking or gambling is when either God spoke to them and gave them orders not to (which, who can judge that?) or, if it is something being done irresponsibly and thus not taking care of what God has given them. going back to the gambling example for a moment, if someone has the finances to take care of their family and pay for all of their expenses, then why must they abstain from something they enjoy and have the spare "free" cash for? It's just a thought.

Not only are people quick to claim sin on things that are, at best, based upon motives, but also on the circumstances people are faced with. This is evident in the way Job's friends talked to him. Although what they spoke of concerning God is true, the fact that they assumed that Job's problems were the result of some sin he had committed echos in everyday life even today. I can still remember when Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans. I remember hearing certain people express their opinion that the city was flooded because of how "morally corrupt" the city was. To that I ask, then how are some of our most corrupt politicians having no trouble in their lives, and how are some of the most righteous people suffering through all kinds of troubles, struggling just to get by with the day-to-day, and surviving on little hope.

I know that sometimes the things we do can lead to us getting into a sludge we have a hard time getting pulled out of, but the truth is, if we are going to label neutral things as being a "slippery slope" to sin, then maybe we should just say everything can lead to sin. Going to church can lead to sin, because we will become complacent, legalistic, and judgmental toward others. Sleeping can lead to sin, because if we enjoy sleeping too much we will become lazy and not work the way we should. Talking can lead to sin, because we will curse our neighbors and tear them down with our words. I know this is an exaggeration to some degree, but I hope I'm making my point clear.

I am not mad, it just seems a little silly to be so quick to call something as if everything is black and white. However, I've found that most things are definitely not black or white, because there is always more to the story than what our own perspectives lend us. So, I think we need to stop being so overcautious and get out there and try. How are we to reach people, when all we do is hole ourselves up in our churches and try avoiding looking at someone funny so that we don't offend someone and then cause them to sin.

Again, I am exaggerating. It is simply food for thought.

Grace and Peace

Star Wars Subway Car

2010-07-21T14:31:00.000-06:00

I just had to share this... it's too good for others not to see. :)

Got Hope?

2010-07-15T09:27:00.004-06:00

So I've come across an interesting thought these past couple of days. A life without any hope is a rather hopeless life. Now I know that sounds really cheesy but just take a moment and think about the meaning of the phrase. Without any hope in our lives all we have is despair, depression, cynicism, pessimism, and often times a passive aggressiveness. Not to mention one can become jaded about the things around them because they see no hope in anything, and hate those who do have hope.

OK, so that is merely an accumulation of what I've seen. So, technically, that's not the definite end result. However, it is common enough to see that I think many who read this could think of someone they know who has lost hope. I've even been down the path of lost hope multiple times myself, but I'm beginning to see that when I lose hope I'm just wasting my life. I become apathetic, lazy, lethargic, angsty, etc., and it's just not worth it. It's not healthy for either myself or those around me, and it certainly isn't me having a fun or fulfilling life.

I know, life isn't all about how much fun you can have, but I have to say, even when life hits you hard, you can still have hope and enjoy life. This is why I will never understand how people can live without Christ, because even when there seems to be no hope, I can always count on Him. Without hope I wouldn't even want to live, as I am sure many others feel the same.

Being hopeless is so sad to me. Without hope of anything, you will ask what's the point of trying? A big example would be the job market today. It is really tough to find a job, but the fact of the matter is, there are jobs that are available, you just have to work at finding them. However if you are hopeless, then what would be the point of looking for a job if they are just going to turn you down anyway? I know I've had thoughts like that. It took all last week to work me out of that too. I applied to over thirty jobs and I've still only had one potential job come up. I hope that I get it, because I think I would do good at it, and because I need a way to provide for my family. If I didn't have hope in something, I probably would have given up a long time ago.

The truth is, I've seen a lot of people without hope recently, and it is very discouraging on me emotionally, and very unhealthy for me spiritually. Being here at Toccoa, I've realized with sadness, is stifling my relationship with God. It's like being part of the seed that fell on thorny ground. This place is so spiritually oppressed it's scary how you can forget it's there. So, even though I don't really want to move, having an opportunity to be around people who will help me in my growth will be very good for me. Truly, I will miss my friends, and my ability to see them almost daily if we so choose, but it is time to move on I guess. Time to enter another chapter of a story that is my life. I only hope it is one that people will find worth reading.

Grace and Peace

Round and Round We Go

2010-06-24T15:56:00.004-06:00

This week has been a little disheartening. Not for anything that has happened to me specifically, and it's not like I can really complain, because whenever something does happen I come through it all right. However, there still has been a lot going on within the tattered confines the mess that I am. Thank God that He is ever mending me.

I've had a couple of troubling thoughts as of late, and I don't really know where to go with them. Should I accept them as definite possibilities? Or perhaps, is it a lack of trust in my provider? I doubt that it is the latter, but still it is a question I ask myself.

I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised. Every story has to have it's peaks and valleys, and every character has to lose something in order to gain something better. I suppose that is where I am at in my story. Just trying to make it through the night so that in the morning I can find that my hope isn't something shallow, but something beautiful, real, and exciting. I know that I'll come through this... I guess I'm just ready for a few happy endings this week, cause honestly, it's been a rough ride these past couple of weeks.

Keep me in your prayers.

Still looking for a job.

Grace and Peace

For Every To there is a Fro...

2010-06-21T00:47:00.002-06:00

I find it a little funny that I haven't posted in about a month. I used to post on this thing all the time, but lately I've either had no time to write, or I lose whatever profound (to me) thought I had before I get to jot it down. However, I feel compelled to write, so perhaps you will get something interesting out of it. We shall see.

Today, June 20th, my wife and I celebrated our first year of life together as a married couple. It has been a great first year. So many people say that the first year is the worst, but I am beginning to see that it really just depends on the couple. Of course, that being said, I wonder how I will feel about it when June 20, 2011 comes rolling around. Either way, I can firmly say that I would not ever take the decision back. It's been a wonderful time of growth in my life.

Speaking of which, it seems time has been traveling faster than I want it to (as usual). The fact that it has already been a year is astounding to me, especially when I can still remember the day of our wedding like it occurred yesterday. Within the year I have had my best friend become a father... a very proud father I might add, I've seen his wedding (which occurred before the fatherhood), I've had a friend become engaged to the girl of his dreams, and I've had another friend recently learn that he was going to be a father. All within the year, and it has been a very good year. Truthfully speaking this year hasn't been all rainbows and chocobos, it has had its points in the valley too.

The most notable valley I have encountered would be the loss of my job in May. Although, I do not wish I was still working there, and I have nothing against the job, I have found it incredibly tough to find a job. I have applied to probably around 50 jobs in the past 4 weeks and I have only heard back from one organization. Unfortunately, I was not a good fit for their organization and out of respect I turned down the job offer. So the hunt is back on starting Monday. I guess it's time to try a different tactic. However, what is the use of dwelling on the negative?

Also, though I know many will not read this, I would like to wish all those out there who are fathers a wonderful Father's Day to you. I have great respect for my father, and have learned many things from him during my time as his son. I would not ask for another father despite the mountainous journey we have had during the earlier stages of my life. Still, just as with my mother, I value his advice, his counsel, and of course his presence. I love my family and would do anything for them.

I guess that's all I got to say. Thanks for staying faithful readers. If you know of any jobs available leave a comment. I'm getting pretty desperate :)

Pièce de Résistance

2010-04-25T22:03:00.005-06:00

Every story has two major parts: a driving force and an apposing force. This takes place in many ways, from the protagonist and the events that bring his/her story to bare. Or on the opposite side of that, the antagonist (be it an apposing character, some disaster, event, etc), brings a resistance to make the protagonists story that much more enthralling. I've come to a conclusion that our lives are often like stories... and for any story to change from monotony to exciting there has to be that resistance.

In my life story, I have hit a major hitch of resistance. I do not know if I would call my story great, but I hope that by the end of it all people can say that I lived a great story. I've always felt that God wanted me to have something to do with full time ministry, but as of today I have been officially fired from every single ministry job I've ever had. The resistance (or is it?)

Is it possible that I have misinterpreted what I have felt to be God's guidance for me for multiple years? Surely, God would have corrected that path if it were true. Ah, but what about how I interpret the meaning of the guidance? That is much more likely. Because the truth is, there are so many ways to be involved in ministry, and only a handful require being hired by the church.

There is something, however, that I feel is rather clear. He wants me to write. I started a story quite a while back (well, truth be told, I've started a lot of stories), and I really think He wants me to finish it. After all, He was the one that told me to start writing it in the first place, so I guess it makes sense.

Maybe rather than a resistant force, this is what is called the inciting incident. The event that forces the character through a door or down a path through which he cannot return. Perhaps, this event will lead to something much greater than I could ever anticipate. Who knows? And so, I wash my hands of this whole mess. I can't let the resistance limit me, but I can allow the experience to grow me.

I think for now, I will be on a hiatus from church work. It obviously isn't the way to go at the moment.

Grace and Peace

P.S. Birthday went well. Really uneventful, but I guess in a lot of cases that is a good thing.

Christ and Cultrue, part 4: Christ of Scripture

2010-04-22T08:44:00.002-06:00

These will probably be my concluding thoughts on the matter, unless I deem it necessary to make an addendum to what has been said.

The son of God, born unto a virgin name Mary; such humble beginnings for a man who would become the Savior of our very souls. God incarnate, Christ came to save the world so that anyone who believed in Him would be given eternal life (John 3:16). Most people know about this Christ, but was that the only thing He came to do? If it is, then why spend three additional years teaching truths and healing? What was Christ's mission? There are so many questions concerning Christ, I doubt I could adequately answer a few, much less the many surrounding my mind.

I believe that Christ came to redeem culture. The very fact that he sacrificed His own life to give us an opportunity to spend an eternity as co-heirs with him in heaven is a very strong evidence of that. I find it very difficult to believe that Christ completely rejected the culture He was in, especially when He would spend time teaching on that very culture and how those who follow God should act within said culture. He wanted to reshape the culture, not create something entirely new. Jesus himself stated:

“Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. For truly, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law until all is accomplished”
(Matthew 5:17-18 ESV).

What does the law have to do with culture you may ask? Everything. It is just as much an intergral part of culture as the stories we tell, or the music we create. I firmly believe that when God gave the law to Moses, He was creating a culture; one that was built around worshipping Him, and honoring Him the only way the Israelites would have known how at the time. Here in Matthew 5, we see that Jesus is taking that very same law that has been with the Jews for thousands of years and revealing more about it. He is reminding them, and perhaps even revealing a new aspect about God and what He meant when He gave them their law. Jesus begins a new era of how we understand who God is.

I don't want to leave the impression that Christ accepted and condoned everything about the culture He was in. On the contrary, there are many places where Jesus points out that what is being done is wrong. There is plenty of evidence of this in Matthew 5, where He speaks against murder, against adultery, against divorce, and many other things (ESV). In fact, divorce was all too common during the time Jesus taught. The Jews believed they could divorce their wife for just about any reason, as long as it was a cause for the man to find his wife unpleasing; for instance, if she burnt a meal. It would be easiest to say that Jesus turned the way people understood God upside-down and it presented many with the opportunity to truly understand God. Eventually, Christ would present before many that it is not so much the letter of the law that is important, but how we choose to honor the heavenly Father that matters. Ultimately, I believe that Christ wanted to bring us back to God, to the point where we could walk daily with Him, a return to Eden.

Many have called Christ the “second Adam”, and I can understand why. In scripture, there is a recording of both Adam and Jesus being tempted; the first failed, the second overcame. In this overcoming, Jesus was able to present to humanity and to God that perfection is achievable, and it was only because Christ overcame that He would be able to be the conduit in which humanity would be saved from its sin. Thus, allowing the opportunity to renew the relationship that was severed so many years prior. Perhaps, that is where the true culture of any believer takes place, within the relationship with the Creator; and if what God really wants is to bring us back to Him, why not do so through a beautiful story of sacrifice, love, and redemption? I really do believe that Christ did not want to demolish our culture, but rather give it a jump start, a “rebirth” of sorts to bring us back into that relationship found in Eden.

What does that mean for us in the here and now then? What can we learn from Christ and His disciples? I leave that up to you to decide.

Grace and Peace

Christ and Culture, part 3: Communication in Scripture

2010-04-14T10:13:00.003-06:00

When it comes to communication and scripture, the first place I would like to look is the account of creation. As strange as it may seem, this is perhaps the best place to start because it is the beginning. If I were to read Genesis 1, I would find very quickly that God did not create through an action (such as waving his hands a certain way), but rather He spoke and it was there ex nihilo, or “out of nothing”. God speaks, and things exist. In fact, just within chapter 1 of Genesis alone there are sixteen different places that consist of God speaking, three of which are places where He is speaking of or to humans (Genesis 1 ESV). When God speaks to humans He essentially tells them to go and create culture; what we would consider, perhaps, the perfect ideal culture of walking with God daily. Unfortunately, our words can be used for both good and bad, as is evidenced by the dialoge between Eve and the serpent. It was through words that Eve decided to eat fruit of the tree, and then to give some to her husband who was standing there with her (Genesis 3:1-7). Our words are indeed powerful things if they can lead to what would become the downfall of all of humankind.

Progressing from Genesis, one will find there are many verses about speech within Psalms. Verses that tell believers that their words should be pleasing to God (Psalm 19:14). In fact, Psalm 34:12-13 says this, “What man is there who desires life and love many days, that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit” (ESV). Who would have thought that the way we communicate could impact our way of life? It is obvious that God wants us to be careful with what we say, and when we say it; if He did not care what we communicated then much of scripture would not be necessary.

Proverbs also has a fair share of verses concerning our speech and actions. In Proverbs we learn that God hates perverted speech (Proverbs 8:13), that our words can bring healing or it can stir up problems (Proverbs 15:4), and perhaps the most well known passage is the one that says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). If one were to study the chapters of proverbs it would become apparent very quickly that God will honor certain types of speech, and that others are sinful. One would also discover that speaking whatever comes to mind is not the wisest thing to do. In fact, it would be wiser to not speak at all then to speak without putting thought behind what is being said. That is the very thought that is brought before the reader in Ecclesiastes 5:2-4, which states:

“Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few. For a dream comes with much business, and a fool's voice with many words. When you vow a vow to God, do not delay paying it, for he has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you vow” (ESV).

I truly hope that the reader is beginning to see just how potent our words are, be they for good or for ill. We should certainly strive to be true to our word and do what we say, but we should also be careful in what we say so that we may not regret anything. For even Christ told us to let our “yes” mean yes, and our “no” mean no (Matthew 5:37 NIV).

There is one final passage that I would like to look at before moving on to who Christ really was so that we may have a fuller understanding of what the question of Christ and culture really is. The passage is in James 3:

“But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water” (James 3:8-12 ESV).

This passage is at the core of what James teaches about our words. Before this passage he compares the tongue to the bridle in a horses mouth, and a rudder to a large ship, stating that just as something so small and simple can guide the direction of an animal or large ship, so too can the tongue impact the way life goes. James even goes as far as to say that the tongue is much like a small spark of flame that can easily burn an entire forest to the ground if not kept in check (James 3:3-6).

This passage speaks out to me more than any of the other ones that I have presented thus far because it is perhaps the most direct passage, and I have frequently found this passage to be true of me, for though I love God, I do not always show it through my words and actions. This passage serves as a reminder to me, and I hope to all Christians, that we must be extremely careful with what we say because people are watching and listening all the time. That is why when Christians cry out against movies like The Golden Compass or books such as Harry Potter we are watched carefully and judged harshly. Indeed, there are times when I wish to not associate myself with Christianity because, for many people, it brings to many negative assumptions about who I am, and thus hurts my ability to share what is truly important, the love of Christ. Which brings us to the next point: Who was Christ?

Again, more thoughts to come as I continue the paper. Feel free to give your input, I'm just flushing out thoughts.

Grace and Peace.

Christ and Culture, part 2

2010-04-13T22:33:00.004-06:00

I gave my initial thoughts on the whole situation between Christ and Culture, and I realize the break between my last post and this one is quite large. I guess to some degree this post is more of a part 1 redone. But I thought it would be good to discuss what culture is and how it is formed to give a grounds to what I say. The next few paragraphs are directly from the paper I'm currently working on.

What exactly is culture, and how does it take form? It is important to have an understanding of what culture is in order to adequately answer the question of Christ and culture. Culture, in the most practical application of the word, is the expression of beliefs, values, and ethics of people groups, or societies. This expression becomes visible in a plethora of ways ranging from art and music, to the writings or stories, and even to the very way the people act with each other within their group or society. With the many varieties of cultures that any one person can experience within their lifetime it is easy to see that there are many approaches to any one problem, and as a result many answers. Culture is such an integral part of the human life that I would argue it is impossible to act outside of the culture one is in without creating some type of side culture; it is as if it is a part of who we are. Indeed, many would say that our culture is what shapes us into the people we will become, and are. Thus, as culture changes, so too do those who are immersed within it.

How is culture formed? I believe it is formed through our words and the actions that follow them. An example of this would be whenever there was a major shift in the eras of human history (Medieval, Renaissance, Reformation, etc.) they are started by words first, be it written or vocalized, and then actions followed through. For instance, the act that really lead to the reformation for many people was Martin Luther's posting of the ninety-five theses. To put it simply, I believe words can create and shape culture. This is why it is so important for Christians to understand what scripture teaches on communication, for it is through our communication (and not just in words) that we can shape and create culture around ourselves. In fact, there is already different forms of what we call Christian culture, and sadly, many of them I find to be a poor representation of what Christ wanted of His church. What is worse, some even hinder the furthering of the Gospel. It is with this understanding that our words are much more potent than many realize that I seek the answer to the question: What does scripture teach about communication?

More to come as the paper progresses. Grace and Peace

Christ and Culture, part 1

2010-03-31T07:29:00.002-06:00

So, I have to write a paper for my Senior Seminar class that is concerned with Christ and His response to culture (for, against, etc). This is probably going to be one of the few papers that I will enjoy writing (minus taking all the time to get the research done). That being said, as I flush my thoughts out a little I thought I would share what I have gotten. People are free to comment in agreement or disagreement but keep in mind this isn't totally thought out, it's just the initial thoughts.

Was Christ For or Against Culture?

All throughout Scripture we can see that God likes to work with what is already in existence to do the things He wants to get done. For example, Jesus taught the law that the Jews knew so well. To be more specific He taught the law that God gave and not the other "interpretations" of the law that came later. Rather than creating something new from nothing, Jesus refined the understanding of the law, which in turned had a new affect. So, my first argument is that Christ is for culture. The reason I say this is because if Christ, who is God, was against culture, why would God create a law in the first place? The very essence of the law creates a culture. Why wear the same clothes, and speak the same language? I guess what I'm really trying to say is that Christ seemed to want to redeem and refine the culture that was already in lace. He saw the potential that each disciple had, that each person has, and decided we were all worth the love he gave and the blood he shed.

Christ clarified the law. As stated in Scripture He did not come to "abolish the law, but to fulfill it". Again I argue that God's law created a culture. By the time Christ was born on Earth, however, that culture has become corrupted many times over. Jesus' teachings were meant to bring people back to the culture that God had established, but with a different look. Before this point there is no understanding of what God really wants when He gives us the law, because the people weren't ready; but Jesus refines the understanding here by clarifying what is meant and explaining (perhaps subtly) what the "spirit" of the law was.

If Christ was against culture, then shouldn't His disciples also be against culture? Then why did Paul choose to become "all things, to all men, that I might save some"? Surely the implications of being part of their culture in order to relate can be found in this verse. Or what of the Gentiles Paul talked to, were they supposed to reject culture? No. the only way for Christians to escape culture is to confine themselves away from everyone else (which is horribly unhealthy).

Despite how much a part of culture Christ was, there were aspects that He openly disagreed with and purposefully chose not to practice. All of which were things that were seen as unpleasing and sinful in God's sight. His disciples evidenced this aspect in their own life as well, and we as followers of Christ should also exhibit this behavior.

In conclusion: Christ did not aim to replace the culture He was in, but rather, He aimed to redeem and refine it to what it was originally planned to be. He became the catalyst to set that refinement in motion.

So the question then is, How should we react?

More thoughts to come after the break.

Ramble Ramble Ramble...

2010-03-26T09:35:00.003-06:00

I know it's been ages since I last posted anything. I think most of that is because I haven't known what to write about, and I still don't really. I just wanted the few faithful followers out there to know that I'm still alive.

This month has been super tight with money. I have had a large unexpected utilities bill to pay (close to $300) and it definitely made getting other things we need very difficult to buy. On top of that, just a couple of days ago our fridge decided it wanted to stop producing cold air. So I food slowly spoiled over the following two days until we got a new fridge. To explain that: I did call the landlord as soon as I figured out what was going on, he took a look at it and called an appliance repair place who in turn was supposed to call me at some point later that day or the next. That person never called me, so the landlord decided to take one of the fridges from a different apartment and replace it with our broken one after making sure it worked. I am thankful that God has been providing in that way.

On the side of work I don't suppose there is a whole lot to say. I was a little frustrated last Wednesday when I was suddenly informed that I only had 10 minutes to teach a lesson that I had planned on using at least 20 for. It was a little rough to say the least. However, my grumpiness toward different individuals was my fault, and God was quick to remind me that everything is according to what He wants and not what I want. Got a meeting with a couple of people who are willing to work with the youth with me. I'm thinking I'll just have us meet Saturday after practice if all goes well. Praise God for His willingness to provide in that situation as well. Which reminds me, the choir is doing their Easter cantata called "The Way, The Truth, and The Life". They have worked hard on it, but I don't think that they will sing the way I want them to as well as they did during Christmas. However, that is OK because I know that their hearts are in the right place and the church will enjoy listening to the choir, and hopefully (and more importantly), people will be able to worship with us.

There is a song in the cantata called "What Wondrous Love". I feel like it brings the rest of the cantata together. When I listen to it I get shivers all over, and I am reminded of just how much God loves me and takes care of me. And that has been something that has proven to be a constant over the past year is just that God isn't going to allow me to just drop off the face of the earth. He will carry me when the times are hardest, and let me run around and play when the times are easy, but during either time His ever loving watchful eye is over me, as if He has some massive plan for me that I still don't know about.

I can't even figure out what I really want to do.

Ah well, such is the way of life. I guess this was a pretty decent update.

Grace and Peace

Tower of Refuge

2010-02-06T21:27:00.002-06:00

These past couple of weeks have been pretty rough on me. I can't even remember what I've done during these past couple of weeks, but I do know what I have been feeling. It's really a big mess of feelings: fear, apathy, anger, despair, sorrow, happiness, and probably some more hidden in there. The problem is that I have not really understood what has brought on these feelings, or at least, I didn't want to believe it until I asked a friend of mine why I felt horrible, and he simply responded, "Because you are stressed and haven't been able to get the encouragement from friends." It suddenly hit me that he was right. Not that I don't realize it, but I think that even I underestimate my own need for interaction from people.

For example, these past two days have been the hardest. Even though I have been with my wife for most of the day on both of these days, there was very little interaction. We sat in the same room, we played games, we even talked for a few minutes between things, but nothing seemed to make me feel better, but then we decided to go out and get some candy and grape juice. It might have been the fact that I was moving after sitting for so long, but what I really think helped me feel better was that we were interacting with nothing distracting us. We did not even say anything of high value, we talked about what kind of outfit would work for us if we decided to start dressing in a steam punk fashion. But just talking fed my heart and lifted my spirit in a way that nothing else that had or could have done. And just this evening I was feeling the same way, so we wrapped ourselves in warm clothing and just walked around the complex for about ten minutes talking about the stars and goofing off. Again, it made me feel better than anything I had felt all day.

I do not really understand what causes me to need such interactions so intensely, but when I don't get it I wither. I do not have to talk about deep theological issues, but some true interaction is required for me to function at my best. So then, this leads me to the question: What does this say about my relationship with God?

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. This could be an indication that I do not spend enough time in the stillness with Him (which I know is a fact, but then I don't remember it ever causing this type of a problem). It could indicate that God has designed me to need people, so that I can play some specific part in His plan and I'm just along for the ride. Or perhaps God is letting me feel this way to show me a hint of how He feels about His people. When it comes to my opinion, the options are so limitless that it would not surprise me if it was any combination of those options. I suppose, I'm still working through this area in my thoughts. After all, I am writing right now to get my thoughts out.

However, there are a few things I do know: I can't keep hoping that other people will solve my problems (not that I thought that explicitly, but it does seem to be a subtle thought), I know that whatever I'm feeling it is only temporary and I will be OK, and I know that God will remain in control of my life, because when I try to do things on my own I just screw things up. He is my tower of refuge, and I will hide behind the walls He has built to keep the enemy at bay. The more I do for God, the more resistance I face right (relatively speaking)? If so, then maybe Satan is getting scared :)

Regardless, despite how I feel I will keep pursuing Him, keep worshiping Him, and keep hoping in Him to guide me and preserve my life until it has fulfilled its mission.

Grace and Peace

Seriph

2010-02-01T01:23:00.002-06:00

I really don't know how else to describe how I've been feeling lately except for the word "outcast", and yet, I know that the word is far from the truth. You see lately I've been noticing something that I wish with all my heart wasn't true: my friends and I are on two different paths. The reason I say this is not because one is more righteous than the other, but our sets of beliefs seem to be wandering away from each other, and maybe even more core than that is the fact that our personalities don't mesh. We get along fine, and really don't argue, but there is a core difference in preferences. I really don't understand it all. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm married, and thus being with me means being with my wife as well 98% of the time, or maybe it is because they seem to be seeing something about their relationship with God that I clearly do not, or maybe "this" or "that". I'm sure the plausible answers are endless, but still the question remains... why?

I believe the reason it has seemed so stark a realization today is because of the fact that it's been nearly a full week since I had anyone come over to my apartment. For some, this is a grand thing, and they wished it happened more often; however, for me, it is one of the worst experiences I could have. I don't think people really understand exactly how much being able to host visits, and feed friends, etc., feeds into my very being. Being denied such acts of hospitality is like closing an important valve for a water supply, or stepping onto someone's air hose while they are trying to breathe; it is suffocating.

Now I'm not writing this to make my friends feel guilty, in fact the whole reason I'm avoiding posting this elsewhere is because I know that few if any of my friends will read this blog. I just needed to write out my thoughts.

I guess that's all

Grace and Peace

Just to Let you Know...

2010-01-20T12:55:00.003-06:00

I guess this is mostly to let everyone know I'm still alive. But I guess I have quite a bit on my mind as well.

In a nutshell:
My wife is unable to attend school this semester. We just cannot afford it. I still believe that God will get her back into school, however, I am also resigned to the fact that it may not be this semester. But we were able to get her into a free class because I'm a full time student, which is a good thing. There are other things that I want to worry about, but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not in control, and even if I was the things I want to control I would have no control over.

I'm also dealing with the fact that the check I sent for rent this month hasn't seemed to reach the people I sent it to. I've gotten two calls now that said they haven't seen/received/found it, and so now I need to call them personally to see what I need to do. Because I did actually send it before the due date and it was supposed to get there on the second.

However, there is good news. God loves me and His grace is more than sufficient for me. I have a place that I can call home, I have decent stuff, I have a beautiful wife who loves and cherishes me even though I can act like a stupid head sometimes, and I even have friends. I'm supposed to graduate this semester too, so that is good as well!

I've started teaching the kids about the beatitudes and what they really mean. It's been a really interesting study so far, but then, this is only the second week of eight (because there are 8 sayings). However, I think God will use it.

I hope my wife starts feeling better, she and a couple of my friends just don't feel well.

The Truth Behind Self

2009-12-04T16:44:00.001-06:00

To start of with a quotation from a friend in a note I read recently:

"You are not your job, your grades, your relationship, your school, your clothes, your acceptance in society, your screw-ups, your success, or your religion. You are beloved by God, because you are human, His creation. He seeks you, to unite you with the Truth."

There have been so many thoughts running through my mind as of late, and I have had very rare a chance to actually pen them down. When I think about how this past week and how stressful it has been I want to break down into tears. Not because of any one emotion, but because of all the emotions built up inside of me just begging to come out. I've been so busy, and it has been bugging me to no end. When I finally realize that I need to take time and just be, the time for getting the most done before school ends comes around. Truly it is an annoying thing.

If you have texted me in the past week you would know that my signature has changed recently. It used to be "Free in Him" which I still hold strongly too, but now it says Son in Healing. I am using it to be a constant reminder that I am indeed a broken and wretched soul. Everyday I am reminded just how damaged I have become over the years. Not that being damaged is a bad thing; in fact, I believe that there is something incredibly beautiful in the brokenness it creates, but it has called for a time of rehabilitation.

I am not one to blame the church for my problems... at least, not anymore. However, I do think that the wounds and scars that I have given and received over the years has been within a church setting. You see, I was taught, like most of you, that I had to be certain things. When you think of masks, and people acting like two different people between church and the other 6 days of the week, then you are thinking of someone like me. For as long as I can remember, I have been pressured subconsciously, and sometimes even explicitly to be a good Christian, to do what Good Christians do, and to honor God. I do not believe that these things are wrong to desire, but I believe that the magnifying glass that accompanies them can be extremely harmful. So, at a very young age I began to tell myself and identify myself with the things that I did. Even now I am still fighting the urge to put my identity into my actions. This is why I posted the quotation above, because the truth is that my identity of self changed on a whim for many years.

In the core of my self, I know who I am. I know because who I am is in Christ and no one could ever take that away from me. However, if I feel like I have failed, then my identity was that I AM a failure. This is true for any other emotion or feeling. I began to compile it all together to present to myself exactly how worthless I was, and I became chained in something so dark, and so much more insidious than even my lust had taken me. For I began to discover (only within the past month or so) that my actions are a mere reflection of a much greater and deeper wound that has been bleeding untouched for years.

Recently, God broke those chains over me. It wasn't anything I did that influenced Him to do that, but merely a timing thing I guess. The truth be told, I don't know if He was waiting on me, or if I was waiting on Him. Either way, the point is that now I have been freed and the healing can begin. Unfortunately, that healing never takes place overnight, and so I am having to rediscover myself (again), redetermine what I believe (again), and perhaps the most difficult of all is that I am having to relinquish any control I thought I had so that I can obtain the freedom and the power that He gives. It really is fascinating.

I guess, in some ways this note is an echo of a testimony that was shared in Chapel on Monday. When the man speaking brought up all the words he used to define himself as, I could look at myself and see that I was and still struggling with being just like that. It has been a long and hard road to travel, and yet, I feel that I have made some true leaps forward in my understanding of what it means to be a "Follower of the Way"

I can only hope that you will continue to seek God and to listen to His gentle prodding so that He can show you something truly magnificent every day.

Grace and Peace

What A Mess I Am

2009-11-12T21:39:00.000-06:00

This week has been incredibly rough on me. It's beaten me, bruised me, and thrown me in about a thousand different directions. And the saddest part of it all is the fact that I pretty much did it to myself. Granted, the car breaking down was not my fault, but all the emotional stuff is definitely all me.

The problem is, and this is my conclusion from this week: I care and love people in such a way that I forget to temper that love and care. Which leads to me taking on everyone's problems, and it leads to my emotions tricking me into feeling something that I don't have a reason to feel.
The other part of my conclusion is the fact that I have been keeping myself way too busy, and the saddest part about that for me is the fact that I don't know where or when it was that I went from where I was, to where I am.

I had an extremely good and long talk with a friend last night. We talked about the very conclusions I have now reached. We discussed my issues with circumstances, and why it was that I wanted to do something about it. We discussed why it is that I feel an incredible burden for people. But most of all, the conversation opened my eyes to a way I had been living. So, I guess this note is just to share and express this two part conclusion.

To address the first half of my conclusion:

The truth is that I love. I love with every fiber in my being, and I love with wild hopeless abandon. This love often leads to much pain, because when you choose to love someone, they affect how you feel. That is why relationships are so dangerous and so fulfilling and so painful. And why do I love? I love because Dad does. I love because my King does. I love because my Lover does. Because He taught me what love is, and He taught me how to love. He loves with such a scandalous, desperate, unimaginable love that I can't help but try to imitate Him. There is nothing wrong with love.

My problem then, comes from the fact that I forget to keep that love in check. Unlike my Father, I sometimes forget that love can feel overbearing and feel like too much. I forget that loving, even with good intentions, can create painful situations that could have otherwise been avoided. It is something that I've never really learned to do. I didn't even know it was really an issue until... well until last night really. It was like having to learn to walk again. I don't really understand why God has me in a major that asks me to be sufficient in something that is my greatest weakness... interpersonal communication. Sure, I can talk to a group of people just fine in a speech setting, but when it comes to intimate interactions I just fail to get it. It's almost like I suffer from some sort of social dysfunction. For example, the fact that what I'm writing right now, may not make sense to the reader is a haunting and likely probability. It usually takes a couple of tries to really express what I mean by something. It's incredibly frustrating, and I am very thankful to my friends because they somehow are able to put up with my strange and often idiotic idiosyncrasies.

To address the second half of my conclusion:

I am an incredibly restless person. Some of that comes from the fact that I have a lot of nervous energy, but it is not limited to that in the least. I think my problem in this area of my life is that I've always tried to keep myself busy. If I'm busy I don't have to worry about my problems, I don't have to face the conflicts, I keep myself out of a lot of trouble, and I get some pseudo feeling of success. In truth though, being busy accomplishes none of these goals. In fact, it has the opposite effect. It makes me worry more about my problems, it forces me to face conflict (because there is more of it), I do stupid and sinful things to escape the business, and I certainly don't feel successful. Oftentimes, I feel like a complete failure.
So why do I do it? I guess, it's because it is what I've always done. It is what I have always known. It is what I grew up around.

What is the solution? My friend suggested something. He told me, "you need to contemplate." I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what he meant by that. But from what I gathered from what he was saying is that I really need to get into the habit of simply "being". To sit in the stillness before Elohim, with nothing but myself. To be completely and totally there.

In Rob Bell's video "Everything is Spiritual" Elohim calls Moses onto the mountain to commune with Him. Bell explains what is really being said, which boils down to "Come to the top of the mountain, and BE on top of the mountain." It's this understanding that when we come before God, when we "rest" we are never truly resting, because our minds are in a million different places. What we need to do, calls we need to make, homework that needs to be completed, etc. And we never take the time to simply enjoy creation, to enjoy life, to enjoy silence. Just no more than two hours ago I was starting to once again worry about all the different things I needed to do. I needed to go grocery shopping, I needed to pack, I need to get back in time for the Jazz Band Concert, I needed to clean clothes, and the list just went on and on... now I need to get my car fixed, HA! But then my wife, my wonderfully understanding and perceiving wife, did something she does so well. She lovingly showed me how I was being a complete and total trad. Just one more reason why I love her.

So all that to say, developing a habit of "being" is so much harder than developing a habit of "doing" but it is such a better way of living that it's worth the blood sweat and tears.

I guess, the heart of this note. It's purpose, it's drive, is the fact that I want to encourage you. To let you know, you aren't the only one struggling just to live, just to be. As my friend encouraged me, so I encourage you. Just take time to BE, and listen what the Rabbi has to say.

He has so much He wants to tell us. I'm just on the the tip of the very edge of all the things that God wants to show me, all the wonder, all the awe-inspiring things. Not just concepts, but ways to view creation, ways to live. There is so much Truth hiding within the simplicity of what Jesus shared with His beloved children, and they so blatantly ignored Him. I do not want to do the same.

"Be of courage, and pursue Him with all you are. For He is pursuing you."

"Jesus is a disease that can never be cured."
~ Brennen Manning (that may be a misquote... *shrug*)

Grace and Peace

Team Hoyt = God and Us

2009-11-02T08:17:00.002-06:00

First of all, if you don't know anything about Team Hoyt here is a link to give you some basic information. Teamhoyt.com

I have to say, that this has got to be one of the most touching stories I have heard in a while. I learned about it in church yesterday. The speaker was talking about not letting Satan or Ourselves get in the way of following Jesus, and I really appreciated what he had to say. In fact, he even showed the same video that I have posted in this article. But I just wanted to take some time to make a small comparison.

So often, we want to do things our own way, in our own time, with our own strength; however, the truth is, we cannot help ourselves. In many ways we are just like Rick Hoyt, the son who was a quadriplegic. We cannot do anything with our own strength (in a Spiritual sense) or take our own paths, but we must let God push us there. Allow him to direct us, to drive for us, to run for us.

Recently, I was struggling with what to do for the teens as I am running out of ideas on what to teach them, and a novel thought occurred to me... or rather God spoke to me through the thought, and that was to simply "be". Instead of trying everything I can to "do" He wanted me to "be". I know it's a common phrase, but it applies to this concept. "We need to be human 'beings' not human 'doings'." I just love the thought though. I'm not trying to say that we should be just a bunch of couch potatoes and not actually get up and do something. On the contrary, even James states that "Faith without works is dead". What I'm saying is that instead of allowing ourselves to worry about tomorrow, about what we are going to do even within the next hour, focus on the "here and now" and just be.

I think that too often we forget to be still and recognize God in His... Godness.

So, I think it's a fair example to picture ourselves as Rick, and Rick's dad, as our Heavenly Father, running that race for us, carrying us to the finish line because we couldn't do it ourselves.

Anyway, that's just a few jumbled thoughts put together.

Calling All X-Box Fans!

2009-10-28T10:24:00.002-06:00

All right. For all you nerds, geeks, and otherwise technological fanatics (or if you are like me and a combination of the three) then this video will blow you away. You may or may not have heard of Project Natal: Milo but it has got to be one of the most fascinating things I have seen in the tech entertainment industry in a long while. It is really exciting just thinking about it.

Think of all the implications. Controllers could be done away with (although, I am not sure how I feel about that so much), the worlds are more likely to draw you in because of its realism, not to mention what could allow for future possibilities. It's one step closer to true virtual reality.

We have had stuff for virtual reality in the past, but it's not quite the same as what I think of when I consider good, real virtual reality. It's certainly not going to lead to Matrix level stuff (hopefully), but it should prove interesting.

That's all I got to share for now.

Grace and Peace.

From a Friend, To a Friend

2009-10-19T08:47:00.005-06:00

I've been meaning to make a post for a while, but just haven't take the time to do it.

The truth there has been a lot of things going on in the past week that have either been a cause of high amounts of stress, or that have incurred some sort of sadness. However, despite those things the past week has been a good week, and I am thankful for a Father who never gives up on me despite the fact that I act like a total retard on a near daily basis. Thanks for forgiving me papa.

A few days ago, a friend's grandfather passed away. When I heard the news it immediately took me back to my grandfathers funeral that passed no more than 2 years ago. I can still readily feel, and imagine the emotions that I felt during that time: shock, sadness, happiness, joy, and love. I remember writing a poem that could only capture a glimpse, of a shadow, of what he was to my family, and who he was to God. I remember how up until the time I was given the opportunity to share it, I had felt no tears run down my cheeks, but after they would not stop. Like rain on a stormy day in Georgia, the tears kept cascading down my cheeks. From the end of the ceremony all the way to placing the casket on the stretcher above the hole that was dug in the earth. I remember thinking things like, "why am I crying, I'm not sad... I'm happy for him." I remember feeling just months before, that I would rather him either get better, or go home, because I didn't want him to suffer any more. I also remember coming to the realization, that I didn't get to know him as well as some of my other family and I am a little jealous of them for that. But over all, I remember that when I cried, it was out of love for my grandfather that the tears kept falling, and I couldn't find wrong in that, and why should I?

I feel, that in some small way, my friend is going through the same thing I did. Maybe not with those experiences, but with the concept that He loved his grandfather dearly, and just from interacting with him I can see he feels the same way in a lot of aspects.

So my friend, if you read this know that I won't claim to know how you feel, but I do understand how you may feel if its anything remotely close to how I felt. I love you bud.

Grace and Peace

Band Days

2009-10-05T16:16:00.001-06:00

So, I've been coordinating with a friend of mine, and we have been fueling each other's passions for the starting of a band. It's something I've always wanted to do, but never thought I could. Recently, however, I decided not to give up on this this desire. After all, desires must have a reason behind them, even if they are not always good ones.

Anyway, it's only been about a week since I've begun to conceptualize it, and I believe that I still have a ways to go, but I am happy to see how far it's come.

The biggest thing I want to do, is to target the audience that are the people who are hurting, the ones who cry in their beds at night because nothing is right (even if they appear to have it all together). Those who wear the mask of perfection, for fear that if someone saw who they really were they would be ridiculed and rejected. The outcasts, the never have-been's or ever will-be's. I want to write music that those people can relate to. To express how I went through times like that, and I am now OK. That they can be too. I guess to some degree, as my friend put it, to express the healing that we have experienced and to share that with them.

I don't want this band to be just like every other band. I don't want us to be limited to one genre. I want this band to be able to play a variety of stuff, from the light to the heavy. Because, each song will have it's own feel, and each feel will reach to someone different.

I guess, that's really only as far as I've gotten at the moment, but I can't stop thinking about it. And between my friend, my wife, and I we certainly have enough lyrics to start putting music to it. We just need a drummer and a second guitarist. I know we could use other types of players (Piano for instance) but I also know that often times, people are not limited to one skill in their art of playing instruments. Which is happy.

Guess, I need to go.

Grace and Peace.

Beautiful Break Down

2009-09-28T11:43:00.002-06:00

"This world is unbelievably broken”

The words are still ringing in my ears as I process all that was said today.

Yes, the world is broken.

Yes, the world is so distraught with sickness, sorrow, pain, and suffering that one has to wonder if there really is a God.

Yes, the world is in serious need of a Hero.

But, could it also be said that this unbelievable brokenness is beautiful?

I know that there is something remarkably tragic of people dying by the thousands every day by lack of food or clean water. I know that there is something that stirs within us when misfortune befalls upon someone else. I know that we should strive to better the world in everything we do, and I know that oftentimes (at least in America) nonbelievers are more active about helping others than many Christians. In some ways, I believe that this lack of help might be the most tragic of all.

But, consider with me the beauty of this brokenness for a moment.

When you are suffering, or in need. How beautiful is it when God provides for you in that need? How scandalous that He would listen to you completely without condescending you for your mistakes!

How beautiful is it then, when we as followers of the Way engage in providing for others with the skills and resources that has been given to us by the Father. Suffering in and of itself can be beautiful, how much more then if we are extending the hand of God through our efforts. He doesn't need our help to support, and to provide, but story after story reveals that God loves to use other people to meet a need. Especially ones that are often unspoken and kept secret.

It is also beautiful to consider that despite everyone's beliefs and thoughts, people want a Hero. They want a savior. In some ways, this suffering opens up the hearts to the True message of the Gospel. I do not know if I could really explain what I mean by that at the moment. It just feels that the message of the Gospel currently is distorted from its original creation. People WANT God, they just don't know that what they want is Him. I believe this is largely to the fault of Christians acting inappropriately and unloving to those around us. For that, I apologize on behalf of all Christians we do not follow the mandate of Imago Dei when we shun everyone for their beliefs, past, or lifestyle. It completely contradicts what is depicted to us in Scripture.

I don't really know if I'm making any sense, but when I think of all the things that trouble the world, I see an opportunity to be a part of something so magnificent, so miraculous, that it could only have been orchestrated by an all knowing and all loving God.

I feel like this song fits in well with what I'm saying, so I thought I'd share it as well.

Oh My God

by: Jars of Clay

Oh my God, look around this place,
Your fingers reach around the bone,
you set the break and set the tone
For flights of grace, and future falls
In present pain all fools say, "Oh my God."

Oh my God, why are we so afraid?
we make it worse when we don't bleed,
there is no cure for our disease.
Turn a phrase and rise again,
or fake your death and only tell your closest friends,
Oh My God.

Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief.
Weddings, boats, and alibis,
All drift away, and a mother cries...

Liars and fools, sons and failures, theives will always say..
Lost and found, ailing wanderers, healers always say..
Whores and angels, men with problems, leavers always say..
Broken hearted, separated, orphans always say..
War creators, racial haters, preachers always say..
Distant fathers, fallen warriors, givers always say..
Pilgrim saints, lonely widows, users always say..
Fearful mothers, watchful doubters, Saviors always say..

Sometimes I can not forgive
and these days mercy cuts so deep,
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep.
While I lay, I'd dream we're better, scales were gone and faces lighter,
When we wake we hate our brother, we still move to hurt each other,
Sometimes I can close my eyes and all the fear that keeps me silent,
Falls below my heavy breathing, what makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder, we all have the need for wonder.
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the plunder.

Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven,
All the times I thought to reach up, all the times I had to give up.
Babies underneath their beds, in hospitals that cannot treat them.
All the wounds that money causes, all the comforts of cathedrals,
All the cries of thirsty children, this is our inheritance,
All the rage of watching mothers, this is our greatest offense
Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God

Grace and Peace

What I Want

2009-09-23T13:41:00.000-06:00

I'm beginning to ask the question: What do I want?

Not in the sense of material things, but rather in a sense of “what do I really want to do for the rest of my life?” I know that this is probably a poor time to decide to ask this question, but it is something that has been nagging at the back of my mind for a few weeks now.

What do I want?

I know that I love music, that I love teenagers, and that I love most things creative based. I love to act, I love to think, and I love to talk about God. What does any of this have to do with what I want?

Everything.

God has placed passions upon my heart, and I have yet to find a way to combine them all. I want to work with youth, but I don't think a “Youth Pastor” really fits that desire.

I want to be a musician, and I would love to travel the world singing songs of praise to my Father... songs of life experiences, songs of worship, songs of thankfulness... songs I have written, and songs others have written.

I want to work on video game productions: coming up with stories, with character ideas, and maybe even composing the musical soundtrack to such things. I know that video games have been seen as “entertainment only” but I have played a lot of different games that have made me think in a philosophical way. It is something I enjoy, and it's something I could see myself working on.

I am such a diverse individual just within myself. I have not been able to see myself doing things like singing in church as a job for the rest of my life. I love doing choir, and I love singing in church, but I don't want that to be my sole source of income. I want that to be a volunteer thing that I do when I'm “in town” if I'm part of a traveling band.

I do not regret taking on the Communication Major that I'm partaking in, but at times I wonder if I should have kept the Music Major as well. It's something that has been bothering me for a while now, and I don't know what to do about it.

Maybe I can be a traveling band musician dude, who writes books for youth (fictional or nonfictional), and works as a composer for video game companies?

Just considering.

I'm gonna be praying.

Grace and Peace.

To Touch the Heart of God

2009-09-17T14:40:00.003-06:00

To come before the throne,
To know his boundless love;
To feel the breath that moves
Like the wings of a dove;
To lift my heart and mind
To the nobler things above;
To touch the heart of God,
This is prayer.

To offer my requests
To the pure and holy One,
To give my thoughts and cares
To the interceding Son;
To place my faith in Him,
By whom all that's good is done,
To move the hand of God,
This is prayer.

To trust in Him
Who is outside of time,
And who knows before I speak,
What I need.

I ask of Him
Who has promised to provide;
I ask believing every good and perfect gift
Can be mine!

I come into His courts,
I enter by His gates,
I offer up my thanks
In a song of earnest praise.
I know I have His ear,
When I come in Jesus name;
To touch the heart of God,
This is prayer.

Just thought these lyrics were really pretty. It's a song we are singing in Choir, and it touches my heart every time we sing it. So, I thought I would share with you.

A Simple Prayer

2009-09-16T21:57:00.001-06:00

"You know, I want to be angry at You because You haven't given me what I want. Then again, when have I ever known what I really want?"

"I want to ignore You sometimes, but I find I cannot because you are so irresistible."

"You were the only one love with passion's quiet rage."

I'm so tired, and broken, and feeling like I'm lost. Yet I know that You are looking out for me. Your provision has not escaped my attention. Today we talked about the "foolishness of the cross", and I can understand what was being said, but I think what is more foolish in appearance is our love for You. People just don't get it, and I suppose I understand that as well. However, I cannot turn my back on you. Let everyone else think what they think, to hear what they hear, and see what they see. I want to be lost in foolish, dying love. Foolish because I know it makes no sense to do what I do, and dying because that's what love is all about.

I want you to sweep me off my feet. I want to get soaked in the rain, with my hair messed up, and my tears joining in with the beautiful chorus of storms, of suffering. Standing with hopeless abandon, not caring about anything but your words that I hear in the core of my soul: "I'm madly, dangerously, passionately, obsessively in love with you." My heart aches to be near you, but my mind trembles in fear of such a prospect. My soul pushes for you in everything, but my flesh wants to run and hide.

I want to be lost in your scandalous, foolish, dying love.

Even my wife cannot bring the satisfaction my soul longs for. Only you can bring it's sweet relief. Trying to make my identity in my relationships only makes me self-conscious, and I lose sight of you. I am thankful for the blessing you've given me through her, and she does provide something I've always needed. Companionship. But You, only You can be the sustenance of my very being. Of who I am.

Drown me in your love.

Written: 9/3/09

2009-09-06T21:36:00.002-06:00

Our faith is reflected in our lives. What does your life say about you? What is my life saying about me? I would hope that people see Christ when they see me, that they would see love; however, I have to wonder if that is what I am reflecting, or if I am merely going through the steps to seem like a “good Christian”. As time has progressed I have begun to care less about what others think of me, but I am not immune to relapses.

Maybe I'm not really worried about that. Maybe, I feel sad and broken over the fact that Christianity can feel so fake at times. That it is not just me who is getting stuck in routine, but that all of us are just going through the motions. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Previously, I think, this is what made me so bitter toward the college and the people in it, but now all I feel is sadness for them. I feel sad for even some of my friends who have enslaved themselves to substance(s), to logic and reason, and have turned their back upon God because He “never did anything for [them] anyway”. So depressing.

But, I don't think it is just that which causes me to think, to process that which is running round in my brain, trying to put words to it. To be honest, I still don't know what it is that is getting to me. It's not that I lack a spiritual peace, but rather a peace of mind.

I realize this probably depressing, and for that I apologize. There are many things to be joyful about. I have a Father who cares for me (2 in fact, and a mother as well), I have a beautiful wife who could not be a better blessing in my life, I have friends who do constantly seek Him, and there is no such thing as fake hope.

So praise God in suffering, in sadness, in illness, in pain, in trials, in all things.

Grace and Peace

Written 8/31/09

2009-09-04T19:36:00.001-06:00

I have a question to ask, one that I am unsure that I can answer. Why do those who are sick, distressed, and hurting stay away from the church? If we, as Christians, are supposed t o help those in need, then why are only the “healthy” attending our church services? In fact, it appears that those in need avoid the church. I would go further to say that attending any church (with some exceptions) is more stressful than staying home.

Imagine yourself being an alcoholic, or pregnant as a teenager, or some other type of issue (perhaps, you are very ill), and think of how much trouble you go through to get ready for church because of the dress standard. Now, picture showing up at church and every person looks at you with disgust, repulsed even, that you decided it was a good idea to bring your sin-bearing, disease-ridden body (because sickness is obviously punishment for sin) to a place of Holy worship. You would feel worthless, lower than dirt even, and so to prevent further emotional damage you just stay at home.

How many of us have experienced such a thing? If we are the body of Christ, then this scenario should be a joke, not a reality. It breaks my heart to see so many churches become like the Pharisees in the way they act. God called us to love; Jesus himself stated that to love God and love people is the very foundation of the law and the prophets, and yet we choose to be reclusive, out of the culture that surrounds us.

The church is notorious for being a few years behind the current generations; how are we to reach people when we cannot even speak their language? Don't misunderstand me, this is not about making a modern service with only modern music; it is about knowing what people are gong through and speaking and helping in those needs.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that if we, the followers of the Way, are truly following the Master, then people would want to come to church because that is where healing happens, rather than drudging appearing there. As it stands, Christians often are not loving to even other Christians, much less the rest of the world. We have much that needs to be repaired when it comes to the church in America.

Now, I say all that, but there are people and churches who are genuinely loving toward each other and those who do not believe, and people are being changed all over the world because of His love and grace, and all of that is very encouraging to know.

Comments on Comments

2009-08-28T13:51:00.003-06:00

Scot McKnight: Spiritual Eroticism

This link will take you directly to the article that I am going to be commenting on. The main purpose of this post is for you to check out the link and really consider what is being said by the author Scot McKnight.

For those of you who don't have time, or are just to lazy to read then here is the basic "gist" of it, but I guarantee I do it injustice:

We as Christians engage in something that could be called "Spiritual Eroticism". That is to say that we are in love, with being in love with God. I know this might sound a little confusing, but consider it this way. People have begun to "love going to church" because of the way it makes them feel. Our praise music aims to give off an emotion, and we sometimes even read scripture in hopes of obtaining (or re-experiencing) so deep emotional experience. This is not a true love of God.

So, here are my thoughts on that paraphrase of the article:
I would have to say that I agree with McKnight in this instance. I have never read anything else he has written and so I cannot really have any other opinion of him as a writer except for this small article. The point is, I have seen this happen all too often. I have seen people talk about how worship wasn't that great because they didn't "feel" the presence of God there, and I'm sure that I have been guilty of such thoughts before too. I am, after all, human, and so I too make mistakes. Shocking I know.

We (especially those in the south) have come to the point where we love going to church, and singing songs, and perhaps even reading Scripture because we want to get some type of an emotional response out of it. We want to experience that "mountain top" emotion all the time. The problem lies in that we cannot experience this emotion all the time. We would not be able to handle it, and we would take it for granted if we could. Our relationship with Christ is very similar in a lot of aspects to our relationships with our spouse, significant other, siblings, or good friends. You will never feel love for someone all the time. Because of the way our lives run there will be days where you feel so in love with those people, so hopelessly intoxicated (a great liking for good friends) that you can't see any fault with them; and there will be other days where you are having a hard time liking them, much less expressing love. But that is where it proves itself most, because love is not an emotion, it is a decision, and a commitment.

This might be a bit of a stretch, but I don't think you could honestly tell me you think Jesus "felt" love for people the night He was betrayed. He felt fear, he was distressed, so much so to the point of sweating blood (which is a physically possible thing by the way), and yet He chose to love those He was about to die for.

When we look at Scripture we read about what love is. 1 Corinthians 13 talks all about it, and yet not once have I ever read the love is a feeling. Everything listed has been a decision or action taken to show it.

I believe that we need to remember what it is to truly love God.

Grace and Peace.

Our Great God

2009-08-22T08:17:00.002-06:00

I don't typically post lyrics, but this song really gets to me (in a good way) and I thought I'd share.

Eternal God, unchanging
Mysterious and unknown
Your boundless love unfailing
In grace and mercy shown
Bright seraphim in ceaseless flight
Around your glorious throne
Their voices raised both day and night
In praise to you alone

Hallelujah!
Glory be to our great God
Hallelujah!
Glory be to our great God!

Lord, we are weak and frail,
Helpless in the storm
Surround us with your angels
Hold us in your arms
Our cold and ruthless enemy
His pleasure is our harm
Rise up, oh Lord, and he will flee
Before our Sovereign God

Hallelujah!
Glory be to our great God!
Hallelujah!
Glory be to our great God!

Let every creature in the sea
And every flying bird
Let all the mountains, all the fields
And valleys of the earth
Let all the moons and all the stars
Throughout the universe
Sing praises to the Living God
Who rules them by His word

Hallelujah!
Glory be to our great God
Hallelujah!
Glory be to our great God!

What is Freedom?

2009-08-15T09:20:00.002-06:00

I wrote this a few weeks ago before church started... don't know if you will agree with it or not, but I don't typically write to have people agree with me anyway:

Freedom... there is freedom in the promises of God, yet what is freedom? Are any of us truly free? I think it is important to really examine what the word freedom really means, especially considering we, as Americans, value freedom so much. I cannot even begin to describe how often I have heard, "Well, this is America and I'm free to do whatever I want," over the past years. I feel that this is a misguided understanding of freedom, and is most definitely incomplete.

If that statement was true, then there would be no laws, no moral code, and no order to a country that many of us know and love. And if there is no order then we are slaves to our will. We will not learn to control ourselves because there will be no reason to. So, if we are slaves to our will then we cannot be truly free.

Now, put order and law back into the mix. suddenly, there is right and wrong, at least on the worldly standards. there are consequences to every action be they good or bad, and people can rest a little easier because of the law and those who enforce it. This too, I feel, is still an incomplete view of freedom because of our reasons behind our actions. For instance, many of us will choose not to speed while driving not because of some sense of right and wrong and the desire to do right, but because we don't want a ticket, because we like our money (As a side note here, at this "level" of freedom we still do not master ourselves and thus become slaves to addictions, be they food, drugs, alcohol, T.V., etc).

There is one more element I would like to add to this scenario, God. Now, I know many people would consider God to be a form of slavery before freedom because of all the "rules" He puts on His followers, but bare with me. Even though God has commands for His followers, the reason they follow them is not out of a desire to stay out of trouble, but rather out of a desire to please Him. We do it because we love Him, because we want to, and not because we have to. I think that is the heart of true freedom. It requires the denial of self, thus we cannot be slaves to ourselves. We are able to say no to addictions out of love for people and God, and we do not obey the law (or the "rules") out of some notion that we do not want to get caught. I think this is true freedom.

Unfortunately, we as people (and that includes followers of Christ) fall short of this freedom on a daily basis. We do what we want to do for ourselves, we are selfish and proud, we are complete messes. However, that is what makes God's grace and the freedom in that so much sweeter. May we strive to live our lives in true freedom as slaves (by choice) of righteousness.

Grace and Peace

Another Post on Love

2009-07-20T14:52:00.002-06:00

The more time passes the more I realize, and remember, and learn that Love is not about living. In fact, it's about the opposite, it is about dying. Love is dying to your dreams, desires, aspirations, and everything that makes the core of who you are, in order to serve someone else. Christ died daily for his disciples, He died daily for His Father's will, and ultimately, He died literally for us, those He did not even know yet, and said "forgive them". What an incredible display of love.

I too must come to the point of dying for the sake of others: my Lord, my wife, my family, my friends, my enemies, and everyone else (especially the teens that I try to teach the truth). It has been really interesting to experience these past couple of weeks. Although, when this post was in my mind I had a great number of examples, I do not have anything at the moment. At least, nothing I can share, but It has been great to experience all these things and despite some of them being painful, it has been good for my growth in my walk with Christ, and it is good to rely on Him because He knows what He's doing and I do not.

Once again, Alrtuism proves itself the victor over everything else. Thank you God for showing us What Love is by being Love itself.

Grace and Peace.

Here to Write

2009-07-13T08:35:00.002-06:00

Life is pretty good for me most of the time. I mean, it's always good I guess because God is in control, but when I'm referring to it being good, I really mean my perspective of life. I guess that is what everyone really means when they talk about how life is. It is merely a perspective thing. How interesting... Anyway, life from my perspective has been pretty good, although it is filled with frustrations and problems. For instance, I am still dealing with the consequences of a car accident that happened over three weeks ago, and I am dealing with having no teenagers show up for church in the past 2-3 weeks, and even further still I'm dealing with trying to take care of getting my wife's social fixed, her license changed, and just a numerous amounts of other things. As frustrating as all this could be, I'm OK with it because it is something that needs to be done, and there is no point in grumbling about it.

On the other hand, I can gladly say I have a wife, which is a blessing all on it's own, and I have a job, I have a nice apartment that God has lovingly provided, as well as many if not all of the appliance in it. When it came to furnishing our house, there was very little we have had to buy, and most of it has been things like food and trash bags. I am incredibly thankful for all the blessings he has been giving me, and he constantly proves himself faithful even in our storms and all together hellish times.

You know, I had a whole paragraph about frustration and responsibility and I realized it was not good to share any of it, even if it was in a way that kept all the details out of it. So I guess I'm done writing for now, I got it out of my system.

Grace and Peace

Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To turn your tears to roses

I will be the one that's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is a burning, consuming fire

No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark

You feel so lonely and ragged
You lay there broken and naked
My love is just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

I will be the one that's gonna find you
I will be the one that's gonna guide you
My love is a burning, consuming fire

No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark

Whispers in the dark

Patience

2009-07-03T13:13:00.002-06:00

Patience is a virtue, or so the saying goes. God has certainly been providing me with plenty of opportunities to express patience. It's been very hard to not get impatient, but I know that I must in order to express my love for people.

I often get impatient when I can see an issue someone has and they are not addressing it, especially if they know of the issue. I get impatient when people who claim to listen, don't. I get impatient when I can't open a jar of anything. I get impatient with teenagers who get themselves into trouble, even if it's pretty obvious they don't know any better. Most of all, I get impatient with my impatience.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Every day is a little more difficult, and I don't want it to reflect in my life. I was going to teach the kids on patience this past Wednesday, but there were only two kids that showed up and a guy at the church shared the lesson, but I guess the study done was just as much for me as it was for them.

There were multiple verses that talked about being patient with God, and I've had to take them to heart these past few weeks. Most of them are in Psalms, but there are a few in Hebrews, James and other locations as well. I don't have the references around me at the moment so I can't really give exact locations, but I distinctly remember on of the verses being along the lines of "He waited patiently on the Lord, and he received the Promise that was made to him." That's not verbatim, but that is the gist of the verse. It's pretty interesting really when you think about it. All throughout scripture you see promises that God made to us as humans, and many of them do not come instantaneously, in fact, most only come after constant, persistent, seeking of Him and waiting through the tough and good times, for Him to fulfill His promises.

For instance, Abraham was promised to be the father of many nations, and yet that promise was not fulfilled until he was given Isaac as a son in his old age, when Sarah should not have been able to give birth any more. Abraham was not given a son until he was old. How long do you think he awaited the promise of God to be fulfilled? years right? Should we not then be patient as well for the things we desire, and the things God has promised to us? It's not that He does not want to give those things to us, but sometimes we have more road to walk, more to learn, more to experience, before He's ready to give those things to us.

Thank you Lord for giving me opportunities to be patient. May your patience overflow out and way beyond me and what I can do. Continue to teach me dear Lord, that I may not be content with where I am, but constantly striving to know more.

Grace and Peace

More Thoughts From More Lessons

2009-06-02T10:50:00.003-06:00

So to begin... a quote from my notes:

In this day and age we are a busy people. Time is money, and there is much we need to buy. We get so wrapped up on the things we see that we miss out on one of the greatest experiences in life, spending time with our Creator. We either do not have time for church, or on the other end of the spectrum, spend too much time at church; but in both cases where is the time set aside to spend time with God?

Going to church, helping in the ministries, and singing songs of praise do not equal time with God. Spending time with God is like spending time with a friend; you set aside time for it, you talk with Him, you love Him.

Yet, we work until we are exhausted, we grow apathetic about church, we don't spend time with God, and try to do everything our way, the way we planned, leaving not time with rest, to time to savor the happiness that we experience, and we wonder why we are miserable?

The sabbath was given to us for our own health: spiritually, emotionally, and physically. It was given to keep our relationship with God healthy. God, Himself, rested on the seventh day of creation. Are we really arrogant enough to think that we are above Him in even this?

So, in case you haven't figured it out. My lesson this week is about Time, and how spending time with God can affect our relationship with Him. The past two weeks I have spoken on things that get in the way of listening to God: Idolatry, Pride, and this week our use of Time. So I guess to finish up these thoughts and connect them with listening... When we are too busy to spend time with God, we begin to forget what His voice sounds like in our lives. We forget the first time we encountered Him. We stop listening because we don't stop ourselves long enough to even try. It's not because there is noise around us (although, that can play a part in it at times), but it is because we are not even trying to hear Him. We are too busy to care.

So what's the "cure"? To all of these things, it is to be willing to stop for a time and examine ourselves. Look at our relationship with God, with others, and to allow God to reveal His truths to us. If we are too busy to listen, we'll never be convicted of the things that separate us from Him, and we won't turn from them, which might be the worst decision we could ever make. Maybe the biggest aspect of evangelism is not the presentation, but rather the ability to get people to stop for a few minutes and see the Truth.

Just a few thoughts. Going back to preparation now.

Todays Lesson Is?

2009-05-26T10:23:00.002-06:00

So I feel like God is wanting me to talk to the kids about 4 different things that can get in the way of listening to Him. The first was idolatry, and I talked to them about it last week. This weeks topic will be the one of pride. So I thought I would write out some thoughts on pride and what scripture says about it.

I suppose what I want to start off would be with what I wrote down as some notes to my study. This is more of a thought concept and probably could use some tweaking.

Is pride wrong? I would say no, that ultimately pride is a neutral thing. We can be proud of our country, proud of our friends and family, and even proud of our own accomplishments, and no one would look upon you in a negative light. However, when we are full of pride, when we start to believe (even subconsciously) that we do not need anyone's help (especially God's), that is when we are sinning.

That being said, here are a few thoughts on pride:

Pride is not limited to being a sin or being good. Just as conflict can be neutral, so is pride. The real difference between wrong and right comes with what you do with that pride. People who typically think they know everything, who always have to be right, who feel like they don't need anyone's help because they can do things on their own, are arrogant and naive. In fact, experience has shown, and I think many would agree that people who claim to know everything, really know nothing at all. Sure they may have a lot of knowledge, but do they truly know something?

Pride separates us from God, just as all sin does, but I find it interesting that there is a verse that States that God keeps His distance from the proud. Psalms 138:6 says, "Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly, but the proud he knows from afar." (NIV). Intriguing to say the least. If God keeps us at a distance during our times of pride, how hard would it be to hear Him amongst all the noise of self? Just a thought.

Thirdly, God will break people of their pride. It's just what He does, and thank God for the many times He has broken me of my pride. I was so blind until He did that. In Proverbs we can see that God Hates arrogance and pride, and in Psalms 119:21 we see that, "You rebuke the Arrogant, who are cursed and who stray from your commands." and in Job 40:12 "Look at every proud man and humble him, crush the wicked where they stand."

I would say its painfully obvious that pride can and often does get in the way of being what we are commanded to do. We are called to be servants (Mark 9:35), we are commanded to be humble and show love to others (Micah 6:8), We should not boast, but if we must boast, then boast in the things of the Lord and not ourselves (2 Corinthians 10:17-18). As Paul states, "I will boast in my weaknesses" so that I may give all honor to him.

Pride comes before the fall, but grace flows down upon the humble. May we all be truly humble, to see ourselves the way God sees us, and not thing anything more or less of ourselves than what we are. Ragamuffins, pursuing an amazing and wonderful creator God.

Grace and Peace

Post #136

2009-05-20T18:10:00.002-06:00

Because I have no other title for it, I just decided to make what post number this is. Anyway...

Today has been pretty good. I had worked on the lesson for today's service for quite a few hours last night, and I've been reading up on how to speak to teens, which has been helpful. I need to finish that book soon so I can get on some other books that I want to read that I hope will improve the way I communicate with the teens and also how I run the ministry that has been placed on my lap. It's not my ministry which means God will have to do a lot of revealing to let me know what He wants me to do with it, but still studying is not a bad way to go about it.

I've felt very lonely today. It has been ever so apparent how much I've appreciated being around my fiancee and how much I wish she was still around. But, she's gone on home to be with family in Ohio, and I'm left here at Toccoa. This not a bad thing considering I'm working and making money so that I can provide for her when we are married (which is only a few weeks away), and I'm excited about seeing her again, but I do feel a little lonely today. Especially after seeing six couples walking around on the way back to the apartment after church.

Tomorrow I will get to deposit money and begin working on the lesson for Saturday, music for Sunday, and of course the lesson for next wednesday. Can't wait to see what God has in store for the group and for me.

Idolatry 101

2009-05-19T16:11:00.003-06:00

So I have to make a post about this while it's still fresh on my mind. I am currently working on a small study of Idolatry so that I can talk to the kids about it tomorrow, I'll have to tweak the message some tomorrow morning and tonight, but I just wrote this down in my notes:

"Idolatry comes in all shapes and sizes and so often we do not even realize that we have fallen into its clutches. It can make listening to God difficult and can leave us empty and disconnected."

Now, this thought process in and of itself is nothing extraordinary. In fact, anyone could tell you that this is the case for most things that get a hold of our lives; but here is the real kicker. I discovered a idol in my life that I did not think I had, or at least, I justified in my mind to the point of deception. It was something I discovered while I was making a list of idols that are the most common within the "contemporary" culture. It is the idol of acceptance and approval. This is not the approval of friends, but rather of my parents. It's been an idol in my life for a long time, and I've only now come to realize its stench.

I have come to realize that I will never be able to meet every expectation placed upon me, this is an impossible task. Why I ever thought I would be able to achieve such a thing is a mystery to me, but at least now I realize what is going on and I can adjust accordingly. I had always wondered why criticism from my parents was so hard on me, but now I realize it is because I fight for their approval and acceptance. I should have known that I was being dumb about this. I appreciate my parents, and I love them, and I will not ever stop, but at least I can take their words as a grain of sand, just as I must take all words because God's words are the ones I am most concerned with. That's all for my revelation at the moment. Time to get back to work on the lesson.

Grace and Peace

Forgive me Father, for I have place another before you, continue to give me truth and the wisdom to "fix it" as I seek after you.

Update #???

2009-05-14T09:20:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've written anything. Most of it has been the fact that I've been super busy with moving into an apartment, exams, taking care of wedding plans, etc. I have to admit, I am feeling a little sad today. My fiancee headed home yesterday afternoon and I've found it a little hard to function at full capacity. However, I know the best "cure" for this issue is to go ahead and do stuff. Be active, hang out with friends, and remember it's only a few weeks away.

I have to say that I am terribly terrified, but extraordinarily excited all at the same time. I am looking forward to being married to such a wonderful woman of God, who is also the most beautiful woman I've ever met. I am grateful for the blessings that God has given me through her and I look forward to the many more. I am also scared because I know that this is a decision that will last the rest of my life. I am scared because I know I am a creature of imperfection, and I know that I will hurt her some days; I'm scared that I won't be able to provide for her, or that I won't meet her needs. I know I am capable, but I don't want to be a husband who gives up on it all.
I want to be a refreshing aspect of her life, as she has been in mine.

Finals are over, and so today I get to pack all my stuff and move it to the apartment that I'm residing over the summer. It should be too bad, I only had a few boxes. But still, it's not something I really want to do. I hate moving stuff everywhere (which is ironic considering the vocation I want to take part in).

So I guess that's all for an update I can give you at the moment. The internet is acting weird and I really don't have much to say. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still alive.

Grace and Peace

Out of Control

2009-04-21T09:20:00.002-06:00

It is hard to take control of elements that before now I've never had to deal with. It is so much easier to allow God to have control. I am able to be stress free in all my busyness, during all the times I'm trying to follow my "To do" list. Am I worried about doing well in school, about doing my best for Wednesday night lessons, or about trying to have an apartment ready by May 1? Absolutely, but I can and do have peace about all of it if I stop trying to do it myself. God has been reminding me to just, "Live and let God." With Him in control then I know it can all get done, and in a timely fashion... His time.

I'm going to get my car looked at today. I hope that the overall cost is no more than $200 when everything is said and done because that is all I really have at the moment. In fact, despite the fact that I've been trying to keep a close eye on my finances, the chances of them being on a lower scale than I realize are probably fairly high. Some of it could not be helped I think, with the need for gas and oil (which is why I'm going to get the leak fixed) it's hard to not spend money.

I've got a lot to do, but I know that I can get it all done because God is in control.

Yesterday was my grandfather's 1 year death day. I can't say that I'm not saddened by the thought a little bit, especially when I think of how he won't be at my wedding, and I really wanted him to be there. However, I can say that I do not suffer from mourning or depression, but rather a sense of happiness for him because he is with the Savior, and what could be more beautiful and pleasurable than being with the Creator and Savior of the world. He is not dead, he is only sleeping until Christ returns, and I look forward to seeing him once again as we gather around the throne in worship; and who knows, maybe he, Jesus, and I will all go fishing sometime.

My birthday is in 2 days! Woohoo!

A Little This, A Little That

2009-04-12T22:37:00.003-06:00

I know, I know, it's been a while since I posted... but give me a break, I've been busy with lots and lots of school.

These past few days have been simultaneously very good and relaxing, and heartbreaking and confusing. On the one hand, I got to spend time with a good friend and with my family, which lead to a time of relaxing and reflection on my end. Going home has always been a good time to reflect... not sure why that is, but I am thankful for those times that are presented to me. On the other hand, my fiancees maid of honor is backing out of the whole ordeal, which quite frankly makes me angry. A friend should be willing to sacrifice a little time and money to be at another friends wedding, especially since it is so important to said friend that they be their (and... done). So, suffice to say there has been some hurt going on this weekend too.

HOWEVER, the good has outweighed the bad sevenfold and I can be extremely thankful to God for that. I attended a Easter Service at my parents' church and I am very glad that I did. It was a time to feel like I could really worship... once again reminding me exactly how dark it can feel here at TFC at times, but I'm not going to address that in this blog. I've done that enough, and I fear being brought back into my cynicism... I have enough problems as it is. Anyway, one of the songs that was presented before the congregation was called "True Love". The chorus had the words, "When True Love died..." and it was talking about the sacrifice of Christ, and it really got me to thinking. Although Christ is alive, and I am not about to refute that, I have to wonder how alive He is to us as Christians? When Neitzsche stated that "God is dead" I have to think that what he was referring to was our way of living rather than the Almighty Creator God being deceased, and honestly, I have to wonder if he wasn't all that far off...

From what I have seen of Christianity in America, so much of it is superficial when it comes to living out what we proclaim. We stand with hands raised high in one hour, and then the next we are being unloving in a plethera of ways towards an individual or group of individuals. From the way we talk about foreigners to the way that we will swear and curse up a storm. Now, I'm not saying swearing is wrong... on that issue I have no clue what I think because of a number of reasons, however, I try to refrain from cursing mostly because I can think of other words to say that aren't as crude. The point is, I feel that Christianity in America is a mere shell of what it is supposed to be. I've felt like this for a while now, and I was listening to a pastor on a CD who was talking a little bit of the very same things I'm writing about at the moment. Granted, I think he might have been exaggerating it a little bit, but the point is still there... May God have mercy on our souls.

I guess I never really clarified why I was confused... and looking at the reasons now, I could probably give you a cryptic answer at best. Why would someone claim to be another's best friend, but talk bad about them to someone else? Why would someone be so unwilling to give up such a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things to support their "best friend" in such an important event? 'nough said.

I'm going to try to end this post on a positive note... so here are a few reasons (for me) to be happy.

God loves me
I have an awesome family
I have an awesome fiancee
My birthday is in 10 days, 11 hours, and 25 minutes... 24 minutes
My Wedding is in 68 days, 12 hours, and 52 minutes... (kinda scary)
I'M GOING TO GET MARRIED IN 68 DAYS!!!!

Well, Grace and Peace.

Good night.

Happy Days and Silly Ways

2009-03-04T09:29:00.002-06:00

So my parents pointed out that all my posts lately have been depressing and dark, so here's a silly and happy post for a change. ^_^

Last night was a junior recital for two friends of mine from the school of music. They did a smash up job, and I'm proud of them. The reception afterward was kickin' as well, they had some live jazz music playing, and it made me think of how much I miss being a music major. I always feel limited in how much my music is developing. It happens just about every time I'm at a recital, but it passes as it has now, so I'm fine. Anyway, after a few songs were played, one of the singers, whose name is Jaclin, was seated and her boyfriend sang a song that he wrote for her in order to propose to her (she practically glomped him right there). There were tears and laughter and all around happy. I congratulate them both in this new phase of life. May the wedding planning not be too crazy. :3

Also, I had another friend that use to attend TFC have a baby recently, which is a happy thought all among itself, but I got to see some pictures of her recently (they called her Anastasia), and she is a cute and healthy baby. Congratulations to them as well, may God bless them as they raise this precious child and teach her in the way that she should go.

My days ever since coming back from home have been very relaxed, and happy, even when the events of the day dictated that they not be. I've enjoyed being back, I've enjoyed my classes, and I look forward to learning more from them. This is all thanks to God who is constantly teaching me and bringing me around to see His perspective on things. Taking me there one step at a time. It is because of Him, that I can hold onto the hope that I will get married this summer, and believe within the core of me that this is what He wants; and it's because of Him that I can have patience with the people I'm trying to get a job with, because it's been almost a month and a half long process.

"Praise God, from whom all blessings flow!"

Grace and Peace

It's a happy milkshake :)

Reflection

2009-03-02T00:21:00.003-06:00

"God Have Mercy On Me, A Sinner"

This is the thought that keeps running through my head...

I went home this weekend as a way of a sabbatical, and an opportunity to see family. It was very refreshing to be surrounded by a peaceful atmosphere that allowed me to step back and reflect on myself some. Not only that, but I got to relax and goof off some, which was also a big help in relieving some of the stress levels.

I realized a few days ago that I had become incredibly cynical to everything that goes on here at TFC and I think it bled over into my views on other people's opinions as well. This is extremely unfortunate because I did not know I was cynical much less when I became that way, but fortunately this weekend brought about some time to just talk with God and deal with the issue. I don't really know what I'm going to do to stop being so critical of everything that happens, but I do know that God is going to help me and that is good enough for me. I would like to find the core of the issue behind my cynicism though. I suppose a few options could be compiled under being hurt, or "burned", by the administration here (although, that seems unlikely since I have had very little interaction with them; being burdened with the desire for the right thing to be done, causing me to be harsh on things when they aren't done right (real loving,huh?); or it could be that the way my friends have been have impacted the perspective lense with which I view the world. I'm guessing it is a combination of the last two. Regardless, I need to overcome it, and I need to trust God to do the things He needs to get this place kicking.

Random side thought: How do I prevent myself from taking on other people's burdens when I don't even know how or when I'm doing it? The answer is: I can't. Just another one of those times I'm going to have to let God shove me around as I'm blindfolded. It is impossible to see, but trust in Him will lead me to where I need to be, doing the things I need to be doing.

So, anyway, I got to spend a relaxing time with some of my fam, and learn a little about myself, and the best part is I think that I've come back different than when I left (in a good way). I at least feel different, but that good be the fact that my burden was lifted. Then, as if God was going "You're heart has become this once again", It snowed this morning blanketing the ground with a pure, untouched, white wonderland. It was probably one of the most beautiful things I've seen in nature in a while; it was nice.

Grace and Peace

"He looked at me and said, 'It is good.'"

Hollow 2: The Clarification

2009-02-24T10:29:00.000-06:00

It has come to my attention that what I said could be misunderstood, because let's face it, I fail at communicating the heart behind the words many a time. So let's begin with the word hollow

Hollow is probably not the BEST word to choose, but it is the only one I could think of to describe this thing. When I say I feel hollow, I am referring to the fact that even though I don't change the way I talk with God between here and home, it is here that leaves me feeling like there is more to be achieved. Not with my relationship with God specifically, but rather with life as a whole I guess. But even then, that does not seem to adequately fit within the bounds of what I'm really trying to say. It's hard for me to explain my thoughts I suppose.

As far as blaming TFC for this hollow feeling... I don't honestly think that I do blame it. Just because something is here, does not mean that it is the College's fault that it exist. The College in and of itself is a neutral thing, it can neither create good, nor evil. Though the people within it can. I'm not really saying the the feeling is anyone's fault, I'm trying to dive into the question of "Why?" Why do we do the things we do? What is at the core of all the problems I see?

Speaking of which, I would like to point out that I don't only see problems here. I see a ton of potential to be better than we are, and I see very few people tapping into that potential. I see people trying to do as they feel God is leading me, I see people loving others, and I know that God is doing work here, and that He is using the campus. I'm not trying to say it's all dark and dead. I am merely pointing out the things that I am seeing because writing it out is a way to process and perhaps a chance to hear feedback on such processis. For instance, I can tell that people have the potential to love others unconditionally, but I also see that few people act upon that potential and often times come across as if they think the world revolves around them. I've been guilty of this before, and I will be guilty of this in future because I'm human and I screw things up. All I am really saying about this particular aspect is that we as Christians we are called to a higher standard. I'm not trying to point fingers, if anything, I'm pointing at myself.

I would like to point out also, that everything that I type out is aimed at me just as much, if not more, towards the general populace, because these are my thoughts, and I have thought through them as much as I can. Granted, I don't always exhaust every option with my thoughts, but I do tend to understand myself more than other people do. :)

I hope this clears up most if not all of what was discussed.

Hollow

2009-02-23T13:12:00.002-06:00

There is something terribly wrong with this place. Something that has begun to be more real to me every day. It sucks away hope and joy; imitates love, but is not loving, and leaves me unmotivated. At first, I thought that it was just me, but as I interact with people I begin to see it in their eyes and hear it in their words. What is it that causes this place to be hollow?

Not that people are individually hollow, but a lot of people do things in a hollow way. I can't tell if it is because they are blind to it, or because they think that they're at the peak of "Christianity". We are called to so much more than shallow worship at chapel and apathy while participating in a ministry. Yet, that is exactly what I find here and it breaks my heart.

Whatever this thing is, it does a good job at hiding itself behind "good motives". Motives behind why there are things put in place by administration that don't make sense except for the fact that I hope that they are doing what is best for this campus. I'm not talking about rules or attitudes, but it overflows into those areas, into every area of a person's life, even to the point of infecting their relationship with Christ.

Perhaps, it is because people are comfortable; that may be the issue. People have grown comfortable in their superficial Christianity. As before, I'm not saying that people themselves are superficial (that is between them and God), but many of them have fallen into a pattern that scream superficiality (And I'm probably guilty of that too at times).

Then again, It could be even deeper than that...

What causes us to care about a reputation to the point of enforcing inane rules to keep money coming in? What causes us to feel the need to advertise prayer retreats, to condemn those who are not missionaries, and be hypocritical about being an open community? It all feels so hollow, as if we are trying to pull some type of joke, and God is not laughing.

And the strangest thing of all about it to me is that regardless of how close I am to God, and how much I spend time with Him; regardless of what people have impacted me, and what I have learned, I still feel hollow.

There is something definitely dreadfully wrong with this place.

Grace and Peace

Emotional Hurricane

2009-02-21T00:19:00.004-06:00

I don't know if I can find any one word that describes how I feel at the moment.

On one hand I'm really frustrated because I went through a good hour or two of prep for a D&D game and then don't get to actually use that prep because of situations beyond my control. I suppose I should have expected it to happen since I called one of players to ask if he still wanted to play only to find out he was asleep. So, I'm told that I'll be called back after a little bit... that was at about 9:45pm it is now 1:24am... I'm a little frustrated.

On a separate emotion is this one of stress. I'm stressed because I've been interacting with this pastor for a possible position within a church, which rocks; but it takes him several days for him to respond, and as the time goes on, I begin to wonder if we'll ever decide one way or the other. I've been working on trying to get this position for several weeks, and majority of that time span is waiting on his replies. I understand that finding a job can take time, but this is an area of my life that is causing stress. Then there is also the wedding that I'm planning for the summer and that too creates stress because I have no money in which to purchase the things I need to purchase. Which means getting a job is integral to getting married. Add school on top of that, and friends who don't like you at the moment and stress becomes a part of daily life. I honestly don't feel stressed that often but I do know that I am when I stretch and certain portions of my body hurt because I'm so tense.

I've hit what feels like a rough section in my relationship with my fiance as well. It's not that I have any less feelings for her, on the contrary I do not think I could love her more, but I'm at this point where I feel like everything I do hurts her in some way. I understand that this is not true, but it does feel like every day something comes up that I did that upset her, or hurt her in some way and I'm so tired of screwing up in this. I want her to be happy, and yet I feel like I'm the sole cause of her pain at times. All I wanted was for her to not get in trouble with curfew, or go to class so that she does well, or etc. *sigh*

I know I'm not perfect, but I also know I should not have to deal with some of the things I do. I subconsciously take other people's burdens on my shoulders and then let them run me over as I try to offer my hand. It's not my problem and I know this, but I can't help but want to help and so put their weights upon myself. How can I not take the wait without disregarding the people carrying them? I do not get it at all...

Although Life is currently in suck mode, I know that I can make it because of the promises God has made to me. It is because of Him that I can praise Him "In this Storm". Despite all my weakness, all my failures, and even all my "strengths" I can worship Him, interact with Him, and just dwell in Him. For that I'm incredibly thankful, and I've come to realize more and more every day that the only reason I make it through each day is because I have to rely on His strength rather than my own, because when I rely on my own I get burned out, jaded, even more cynical than I already am at times.

Well that's all I got for this post at the moment. It's cathartic use has come to a close.

Grace and Peace.

Incredulity Is A Fun Word

2009-02-18T08:32:00.003-06:00

I've come to realize that I have been pretty iritable lately, and that in itself is irritating. I don't think my reasons for being irritated are bad necessarily, but it does affect the way I interact with people, and I know it shows in my body language because I practically where my heart on my sleeve for everyone to see. It's been a weird couple of weeks in that sense, and I can only pray that God will help me with this irritation so that I can love people the way He does and not by any concept of love I might have. Ironically though, it is love that leads to being irritated over what some people are doing. I can see so much potential being wasted because they won't open their eyes.

Some put too much expectations on others without voicing such thoughts, and then let everyone else sit confused when they blow up. Others don't listen to what is being said and in that way assume they know more about the situation they are in then they really do; and still others could be given freedom if only they would ask for it, but they do not want to be free, and that is the most depressing one of all. I know that I don't know everything, and if I am wrong about the situations I observe and hear about then good. I want to be wrong about some things.

So I'm irritated, but I'm also tired. I'm tired of all the inane and hypocritical things that go on here on campus. I'm tired of them trying to force a love for God down our throats, of claiming to be operating in Truth and yet still acting out of some form of legalism rather than out of love. I'm tired of them forcing us to do a "ministry" knowing that when one does it out of obligation it really does the body very little good, or no good at all. I'm tired of rules, inconsistencies, disregard, and assumptions that are made constantly from both the administration and the student body. We will never be unified at this pace. I know that this place can be redeemed, I can almost see it sometimes, but it is not there yet.

Unfortunately, I can't finish the rest of my thoughts at the moment, which means I'll probably forget how to say it throughout the day.

Grace and Peace.

Division Is Death

2009-02-12T10:35:00.005-06:00

"A Kingdom divided cannot stand."

If this is true of Satan and his minions, is it not also true for Christ and His followers?

There is a unity that needs to be maintained for a Kingdom to stand, and I believe that the Kingdom of Heaven is no different. Which leaves me the dread that Christianity, as we know it today, could very well collapse (I don't think Christianity itself will ever die because it is under Christ's authority, I merely meant collapse of the concept of Christianity in the US Culture). What I mean by that is the fact that many people have gotten to the point where they will argue with each other over some concept of God and both claim that there sides are the Truth and they even go as far as to do it without love or grace. But doing something like that is not only against God Himself because they are not loving in their discussion, but there is also an attempt to put a limit upon God who, in fact, is a limitless being.

I think that Christians as a whole (of course there are always exceptions) have lost sight of a very important truth or concept that was designed to be within the church. Without it the Church becomes perverted and corrupt; as is evidenced by the crusades, and the events surrounding the Reformation. Other less extreme examples could include the institutionalization of the "Church"; the place where we try to force worship in a 1 to 2 hour period. It's structured and rigid; it does not flow like I believe worship should do. Do not misunderstand, I am not saying that having a church building were people can come and worship as a congregation is a bad thing. It is obviously being used by God, so we must be at least doing something right; however, I think that there is something about it that is missing and I have not discovered what it is yet. I guess ultimately, I could say that the church as we know it today feels like it is more of a shadow of its original purpose.

I'm not perfect, and I will be the first to admit that I don't know everything. However, these are thoughts that have been going through my head since last night after having a good and deep conversation with a friend of mine. I know that there is always more to discover, and as long as I'm seeking Truth, then I know I will consistently find more and more about what is going wrong and what is being done right, and what is in between. The thing about faith... it should always be in flux with the values we follow. Sure some things become concrete, but I think if we ever get to the point where we are not reflecting on our beliefs and values, and we are not challenging them, then I think we are not growing further in our relationship with Christ and we become static.

On a completely separate note, I might have a job. This is much yay; thanks God!

Grace and Peace

Nothing

2009-02-09T23:54:00.001-06:00

There are so many things that I feel like I could say, and yet no words come to mind. Just one emotion after the other.

Is it the atmospheres that I am around, is it my own hormones not knowing which way to go? Is it something more than a physiological or mental construct? I think it might be.

Everyone seems to be hurting lately, and in turn, it hurts me. I want to cry every now and then when I see people walk in and can just tell that there is peace that needs to be received, Freedom needs to be attained, and healing given. But how can I do such things? I cannot, and with that sentiment I know that there is nothing I can do to help, except pray and love. I feel that it is the only thing I know how to do at times. There is nothing wrong with prayer and love, and I've grown to accept it as an action that is helping, but that still doesn't take away the feeling of uselessness when all I want to do is see people happy, and in tune with Truth, with God.

But alas, I can do nothing as I watch people force their perspectives down others' throats, or try to manipulate a situation to keep themselves in control. I can do nothing for people who get nothing but bad events happen to them one after the other, no choose to not be freed and healed of their pain and sorrow. I can do nothing at all, and I suppose in the end that it is really about that very thought.

I can do nothing, because He has to do everything. If He does not do it, then He is not being Himself.

We are nothing, except that He intrinsically defines us as something, and in that sense, we are good. Not morally, but creationally. And that is a happy thought. We have value, because He said we did; what more could a mess like me ask for?

Grace and Peace.

I'm So Sleepy

2009-01-26T17:13:00.003-06:00

I suppose this post could come across as a little emo, but I don't really care...

I have been feeling pretty down lately. Not depressed, or exceedingly sad, but just kind of down and out.

I feel like there is nothing I can do to progress in this world at the moment.

It's like when a Mighty Ducks hockey puck flies past the goal and into the back of the net. I'm losing. Reality has hit me in the face, and things are crashing down upon me, and the worst of it all is the fact that I feel like there is nothing I can do to remedy it.

I want to get married this summer, and I honestly believe that God wants me to go to London in the upcoming winter break (December/January 2009), however I also believe that God wants me to get married in the summer, especially when thinking of how I operate and how waiting any longer than the end of this year would be a torture to my soul, and unhealthy.

I know that God is in control, and in the end He is the only one that will make the difference, but to put it in the terms of our speaker this morning "I'm in trouble" and I need help.

God, protect me in this time of weakness. Reveal your strength.

Grace and Peace

There's a Story Brewing...

2009-01-10T22:53:00.001-06:00

The last time I posted it was 2008, and now it is 2009. I feel kinda old.

I got to spend some time with my family over Christmas break, but not as much as I would have liked. I spent the majority of the week I was at home working; which, even though I liked having money by the end of the week, I really hated that I did not get more time with friends and family. I spent another two weeks with Sammi's family which was a lot of fun, but it was really chaotic and there were a ton of people. I like people, but I also like my quiet time, which did not really exist the second week there. However I cannot complain, and I am glad I was able to spend some time with her family.

Now, I am back at TFC for a winterum course: Western Thought & Culture, or more commonly known, Wasted Thought and Torture.

I honestly don't find it to be torture or wasted thought, but I do understand how it could have gotten its title. It feels a lot like TFC's attempt to indoctrinate and brainwash its students into following the same beliefs that it holds; that thought horrifies me. Have Christians fallen so low that we have to coerce and deceive those around us to get them to “believe in Christ”? Is it absolutely necessary that we must accuse those that do not share our beliefs as heretics? Heaven forbid we attempt to find our own way through scripture and life, and come up with our own beliefs about God. Maybe I'm wrong, but if God is Truth, then wouldn't those who are honestly seeking Him come to the same conclusions as those who have grown up in the church and been indoctrinated by those around them? Do not get me wrong, I think that we can learn from others and that God uses that to teach us, but I also think that sometimes we overreact to someone possibly struggling through thoughts that are different from our own (collectively).

I've been thinking about how often Christian's take God's name in vain. I know that might sound a bit abrasive, but if you really think about it you will find that it is true. For one, and perhaps the most obvious place to see it is in our prayers. How often do you hear someone pray and say God's name three or four times every sentence. “God we would just like to Father ask you to bless us Father God, and protect us God from temptation.” Is it just me, or do prayers like that feel like we are replacing “um” with “God”? Has his name lost so much reverence in our mind that we use it as we use “um”? Just to give you an idea of how bad this is to me, I have a communication professor who calls words like “um” word vomit, because it has absolutely no relevance nor purpose in a speech. So, with that thought, saying God that much in a sentence is turning His name into “word vomit”, and that is unacceptable.

And what about music? This is something I really struggle with sometimes. If I listen, play, or even write, “Christian” music, without the proper attitude, am I being irreverent to God? I listen to music aimed to worship often, but when I listen to it, am I worshiping? If I am not, then I might as well be listening to something else, because I would not want to offend God with my disrespect any more than I already have.

These are just thoughts running through my head; I am not claiming, or accusing anything. Although, the brainwash thing really does disturb me. I am not a drone, despite what schools might think.

Grace and Peace.

“Yesterday is History

Tomorrow is a Mystery

And Today is a gift.

That is why it is called Present.”

Train Wreck

2008-11-11T17:09:00.002-06:00

I can't say I understand how I've been feeling lately. There are a number of things it could be I suppose, but as far as knowing what event triggered the feeling, or what perception created the response, I have nothing to go on.

Perhaps, I am just under spiritual attack. Perhaps, I am seen as a threat to my enemy and they do not want me to do what I am supposed to do. Perhaps, my pride has snuck up on me, and as such I haven't been keeping it in check. Perhaps, my body decided to attack itself emotionally leaving me in the cross-fire. Whatever the reason be, I am thoroughly confused on why it has occured.

Did I lose my armor? Did I take it off subconsciously? Is it too small? Is it time for new armor? Or is this all in my head, and I just need to find the core of the problem within myself? Like feeling that people do not have confidence in me when it comes to "leading worship". Maybe, it is both. It is entirely possible that I am simaltaneously getting attacked and leaving myself open to that attack because of something going on inside me.

Yesterday, I played the piano, and did not feel better. For the first time in a long time I played music and it did not help, in fact, it made it worse. And what's more, and I know this is ridiculous, but I felt like some people just did not have the time for me, like I was not important enough for them. Now... I know that this was not the truth; my heart knew it, and my mind knew it, but still something within me said otherwise. It was stupid, and irrational, and I'm still confused on why I thought it. People are busy, this always happen during this time of the semester. Big projects are due, school gets the better of most, and there are all those extra curricular stuff to go with it. So like I said, stupid and irrational.

I need to stop angsting. Don't know what's gotten into me. I have class, and nothing else to say at the moment because I've lost my train of thought.

Grace and Peace

Is The World Really Doomed?

2008-11-07T11:26:00.002-06:00

It seems to me that everyone has their opinion on the election, and even though everyone is entitled to their opinion, it seems that many of them are a little over-the-top exaggerated to an extreme. Of course, I am also speaking from the perspective of a man who lives in Toccoa Falls, GA, where most everyone is a large McCain advocate and think that the world is going to end now that Obama is president. However, the world is still here, and it's going to be here after we are gone.

So, here's my view.

I think that both candidates had/have very positive attributes, as well as negative attributes. Both politicians had stances that can be morally agreed with, and both had some that could not be tolerated. I think that the candidate that we as the nation of the U.S.A. have made a good choice. I think that Obama will attempt to do the things he said he would. Many of which are positive. But he is human, and he is not perfect, and as such we as Christians, cannot expect him to have perfect moral standards. Christians themselves do not have such a thing, but we try.

Barak Obama is not a muslim, and for the record he is a mix between black and white. I think that sometimes Christians have a tendency to panic about the negative side of things (such as movies like the Golden Compass, and Obama's position on abortion, etc.) that we lose sight of the positives that surround that negative. We panic over the trivial rather looking at the larger picture. Don't misunderstand me, Obama's positions on some things are not trivial issues, but in comparison to the bigger picture it is really small. The world will change not by our attacks against legality issues, the world will change one heart at a time.

When we love people regardless of what they believe, regardless of what lifestyle they choose, then their hearts will begin to see the difference between "us" (believers) and "them" (non-believers). And as the "us" and "them" becomes the "us" the world will begin to change in a more positive way. Although this track is not an easy one, it is one worth pursuing.

Of course, so many times have we heard this message "preached"/shared/voiced, so the real question is, will we take it to heart? Or will we ignore the truth? *shrugs* The choice is up to each individual.

Grace and Peace

What A Bloody Mess

2008-11-04T08:28:00.002-06:00

Life provides interesting twists. Never have I felt so close and yet so distant to a situation. I know it's good to step back and look at the bigger picture, but when did so much adversity arise. Although, much of it is self-induced, because I worry way too much.

No, I will not reascend my decision. I have full confidence in this, not only in the God I serve (who guide my every way), but also in my ability to hear Him. So I'm left with the problem of how can I share my heart in this way, to show what I see, and to see what He sees, and to show it to those around me?

The great thing about God, is that He does not affect your free will, and that He will allow you to make decisions and follow whichever path you choose, with His blessings following you (though depending on the path, the blessings may vary). The really frustrating thing about God, is that He does not affect your free will, and that He will allow you to make decisions and follow whichever path you choose.

So this path I chose... will I lose blessings? Yes. Will I gain others? Yep. Will I embark on a path that was much harder than the previous one? Absolutely. Do I trust God enough to reveal to me where I am messing up and to stop me when necessary? Yes. Is He trying to stop me in this? From what I can see, He's encouraging me further. So what then creates the haze, and the hesitation? Adversity.

I value my friends opinions, I trust them to tell me what's going on and to share it in a way that does not equal death. However, I realize that they can be wrong, and sometimes (perhaps) God reveals only part of the whole so that they can create adversity. Because it is in adversity that I become confident in my decisions. It is in adversity that my trust and faith in God gets tested, and He pulls me through. It is in adversity that I grow and become strong. And life just does not stay interesting without a little risk, and a little adversity.

Thus, I will continue on, and I will press through, and I will trust Him to teach me and correct me, and encourage, and refine me. Because He is good, and if I did not trust Him, then there really is no one I can trust.

One Bloody Rose

2008-10-22T18:44:00.002-06:00

First day back and it has certainly been an interesting day. It's been nice to see everyone again, and on the plus side of that, most people seemed to have been relieved of some type of burden over the weekend. I guess there were many people who needed to have some days off from school, and life in general. Perhaps, it was not everyone, but many people seemed lighter to say the least.

However, there is still a darkness that seems to cover this campus. Perhaps, it is just the cycle of life. We all have those days, months, maybe even years, when nothing seems to go right. I know I have had my fair share of them, and none of those times have been pleasant, but they have all proved to benefit me in some way, and that is just the way God works I suppose.

It made me genuinely happy to see my friends happy, and having a good day, and it makes me genuinely sad when they are sad. I'm such a sponge of the atmosphere surrounding them, that they could tell me something completely opposite of what is the truth and I would know deep down that they were not being honest with me. I'm not sure why, but I've always been like that.

I've learned something recently... life has phases, oh so many phases, and interestingly enough, even though one's perspective may change because these phases, that does not mean that the situations themselves have changed. For instance, since freshman year at college my interaction with my friends has gotten more sporadic and less consistent, whether by busy class schedules, or anything else that can occur, but my caring for them, and my concern on their behalf have not changed. I would easily drop everything I'm doing to go to their side, whether as a support, or just someone to listen; whatever the need I will fulfill it if I can. That's what I do, that's who I am, and I cannot change that, nor do I want to.

I feel kinda sad. I'm not sure why... perhaps it is because I know that a friend is probably going to get hurt with the path he is taking, and I hope that I am wrong.

Well, considering I can't seem to arrange my thoughts any further in a coherent fashion I'm going to stop here. Just got to keep praying, and watching, and waiting, and helping where I can.

Grace and Peace

Life 101

2008-10-20T21:11:00.003-06:00

Don't really know what to blog about, just felt like it was time for an update.

Life is going pretty well. I've been thrown through a refining fire and came out the other side. Got the burns to prove it too (not literally, just fyi. I'm still physically sound). God has certainly had His way with me, and that's the way it should be. I am talking with Him in ways that I had forgotten about. I don't fee like I'm yelling across a chasm anymore, which is wonderful. I missed being able to just sit in His lap and be. Not that the offer wasn't there; it has always been there, but I somehow learned to ignore it. Shame on me.

For most of the semester I have had to use a friends computer because both my MAC lappy and my PC desktop are kind of... malfunctioning, heh. However, through good parents and God's provision I now have a "new to me" laptop that will satiate my compy needs. Yay, God! Yay, Parents! Once again He proves to me just how much of a Jehaovah Jira He is.

I guess that's all I got for now. Until later.

Grace and Peace

Looking Down From Above

2008-10-07T11:19:00.000-06:00

"I stand above the earth. With acute hearing, I listen to the happenings below me, watching, waiting, looking for something (or someone) that I know needs to be found. Once I find it, I will leap down, and pick it up, only to bring it into the healing it has always wanted."

I cannot begin to explain how real that statement feels to me lately. I feel like I can "hear" people's deepest secrets. It's not that they are coherent, and so I know everything about them, but I know that they are being expressed in the most subtle of ways. From the smile that does not reach the eyes, to the joke that forces a laughter from one full of sorrow, to the genuine joy of knowing Christ's love. Everyone's lifesong seems to overwhelm me. I'm not used to this feeling, and I'm not sure how to handle it yet. It's like discovering you can hear people's thoughts, and not knowing how to dim the ones that are not as important as others. And though I don't think I'm actually hearing these things, there is definitely a distinct presence about people, and I am often overcome with the feeling to pray for them immediately even when I'm a good seventy feet away. My only solitude from the noise is an "oasis" that I essentially live on when I'm not on the ground.

What does it all mean? I couldn't tell you, even if I knew ^_^ It is such a personal picture I don't think that my mind can fully comprehend the depth of it all, but my spirit does, and as I commune with God I will gradually understand it. I feel as though I am a protector. My purpose is not to engulf myself in war, though it may have it's place, but rather I am to train those who are, and not just train them, but protect them, until they are ready. I have a smithy... I'm sure it will come in hand later in life. Perhaps, I'll be able to equip these people I am protecting.

Really, it's quite fascinating.

My heart is weighted down by these "secrets" though. I feel very sad for some people, and overcome with joy and happiness for others. I definitely need to learn how to handle this new "power" soon so I don't go crazy in a panicked state. heh.

Grace and Peace.

Experiential Experiences

2008-10-05T22:43:00.003-06:00

This weekend... has been great.

I did not get a ton of rest, but when has one ever gotten sleep at youth retreats?

The main theme was this concept of having our identity in Christ. Which was wonderful, because there are so many different names that Christ gives us. For instance, instead of believing the lie of our name being "worthless" we can be confident of the true name which is "valued"; instead of weak there is "strength"... the names are endless.

I got a new name this weekend. It made me happy.

And I got to practice some of my spiritual gifts. That also made me happy.

And I had another vision today related to the last one I posted. That one made me so happy I almost cried.

hurray God.

Grace and Peace

Something Interesting

2008-09-25T09:12:00.004-06:00

So I've decided to read through the gospels in my personal quiet time with God. I've never really read through them on my own, so I figured why not?

So while reading in Matthew 27 I came across this passage (51-53) that immediately after Christ's death:

"At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people."

OK, so I've never EVER have seen the part highlighted in green before today. Seriously, it's like we feel uncomfortable, or don't know how to explain it, so we skip that detail. This is not a minor detail. People are raised from the dead and did not just go away. They stayed around for a while.

So, here is where I would love some interaction. Why is this part of the passage in here? Why did it happen? Why has no one ever spoken of this in any sermon?

And if there are any other questions you want to ask (and answer if you wish) feel free.

Begin Discussion.... NOW!

Grace and Peace

Given Some Hope

2008-09-23T17:10:00.000-06:00

"I walk up to the door, the rain is pouring over my head, and I look through the window in the door. Before me stands a beautiful woman dressed in white. She is smiling. In her arms there is an infant, which is also dressed in white. The child is staring at me with intense blue with green eyes, and there is recognition behind them. She is my daughter and I am her father. What a beautiful pair they make. The two most beautiful women in the world are standing in my house waiting for my return."

That is what I saw today... and I almost cried. Today has absolutely sucked. I have felt like there was a void pulling at me, begging me to fill it when I had just created it. I had to cut myself off from something that was so important to me, that it became too important. Now, that hole that was created begs to be filled, and it makes me feel empty and alone. Of course, I'm never alone. God gave me this vision to give me hope. I'm excited to see what else He has for me to see, no matter how depressing and cold the vortex may get, I will walk over it and move on.

Besides... it will be filled soon enough with something better, and something God gave me rather than me giving it to myself.

Grace and Peace

With My Head Held High

2008-09-15T08:32:00.004-06:00

Where to even begin?

I guess a good place to start is to state how happy I am to have a friend who is willing to let me use his computer for the semester/year? However long it takes to replace my current one, that is on the brink of falling to pieces. *shrugs* Thank you Lord for provision. You're a great daddy.

But what more is there? I wish I could adequately put it into words. There is so much going on in the "shadows" that I can't even see it all. Between being told of the idols in my life, showed where I can, and, really, must adjust accordingly (like shattering those idols [some seem physically, heh]), and having spiritual gifts revealed to me. This semester is turning out to be one full of absolute awe of God, joy in His promises, pain in His teaching, and much much more.

"The battle began three years ago, and we have been at a stalemate these long years, but the tide will soon turn, and the enemy will have no where to run."

I'm incredibly excited to see where God is leading me. Although, it has already proved to be a very scary plummet into the darkness. I have had to place the things that I desire the most, the things that seem the most beautiful to me, upon the altar and walk away. One day, some of those things may be given back to me, but for now, I will only focus on one thing. My Master. He is teaching me, stretching me, striking my heart where the poison seeps in, and removing it. He and I have done some sparring and He kicked my butt, however, now I think I can be more open to what He has to say, where if I had not struggled with Him I would not have so apt to listen to His ever gentle, firm, and loving voice. He is definitely an awesome sensei.

These past couple of days have probably been some of the hardest I have experienced to date, and yet, I could not keep my eyes of Jesus. He is such a beautiful Bridegroom, and such a good lover. He knows exactly what I need to hear to keep me going, and He lets me lean on Him. He stretches me in the places I need stretching and pushes me beyond my limits to increase my skill. I would be completely unworthy of His love if it were not for the fact that He deemed me worthy with His sacrifice. I can honestly say, I'm glad it's all about Him.

I think I can now hold my head up high, knowing that no matter what happens, He will be there beside me; fighting with me, fighting for me. How could I have ever forgotten what communion with God is like? Those idols were separating us more than I thought... wow.

Thank you Abba, for being such a forgetfully forgiving God, but amazingly remembering all the good you have promised. Thank you for not forgetting me, and for fixing all the toys I broke :)

Grace and Peace

2008-08-27T16:28:00.002-06:00

I'm really not sure what to make of everything that's been going on lately. Being told things by God that I can't share with the person it's intended for. Being told I have the gift of prophecy and then putting it into practice almost immediately and being right (shocker I know). Being given a new promise by God that I can stand on, given a rebuke with His love surrounding it, and the fact that there is so much going on at the campus spiritually. I'm completely at a loss as to where to start or what to do. I feel like I'm being pulled along and I haven't caught up with the pace of things yet.

Don't know what I can share and what I can't, but change is coming, and it's going to flood the nations in the end.

Conviction came first for me. After a few days of just trying to readjust to using a "new" gift God came down on me with a rebuke. A rebuke for causing trouble where I should have brought peace, a rebuke for being overly cynical towards "conservatives" and the conservatism that follows. I see now how wrong I was, and I know God has forgiven me for it, but He is sealing my mouth from topics such as those until I learn to mind my tongue. He even told me "watch your mouth"... which is essentially the equivalent to getting your mouth washed out with soap. NOT PLEASANT!

There is more coming, much more. Hurt is going to be a returning theme this semester, along with a side of "ouch" and "will I ever make it through this?" However, God is good, and in Love He is going to raise me up as I submit to His will. I don't say this with pride, except for pride in my God whom deserves all praise, but rather in awe, to see that God cares so much is amazing.

Now for vague, yay!

Swords are being left behind, for fellow soldiers to take.
The ranks are starting to flee, but if they only had confidence in Christ, it would be so much different now.

People are running from their calling, Too deaf to hear God's comforting voice,
The idols are everywhere, including within my own heart.

God is giving him another chance, but if he fails, must I take his place?
Will I be given the task of taking his sword, strengthening it, and using it myself? Or will God give it to another?

All the things that make no sense.... Will one day become clear...

Grace and Peace

The Gods Aren't Angry

2008-08-23T22:33:00.002-06:00

So I just finished watching a Rob Bell dvd titled, "The Gods Aren't Angry". In this video Bell (essentially) talks about God revolutionized our concept of religion. We don't have to appease our God with our blood, with sacrifices, with giving what is most important to us. We don't have to earn His friendship... He reversed it, and gave His most precious thing. God, through Christ's sacrifice, created a peace between Him and All Things in Heaven and on Earth. Phenomenal.

Not to mention, because God IS love, He infects those who follow Him, and people's lives change when they encounter the resurrected Christ. Bell told a few stories that just really touched my heart, and it reminded me of something. How often has God cradled me in his arms and just loved on me? Way too many times I could ever count for sure. In a way God was reminding me through this that He is my provider, and despite all my problems, He will come through for me because He IS love and He loves me. It was also a great reminder that I could never do anything to earn God's approval, nothing to get Him to like me, absolutely nothing I could ever say or do would ever earn God's protection. What a wonderful feeling.

All that to say I would suggest that YOU (the reader) should watch this dvd and look at it critically. I also would suggest watching "Everything Is Spiritual" which is also a very intriguing sermon. Good stuff to really just think over.

Grace and Peace

Rant, Satire, Or Perhaps Some Truth?

2008-08-08T17:41:00.002-06:00

Maybe I'm just crazy, but is it possible that we put too much weight on prophecy? It seems that every time someone talks about having a word from God for someone, or having one spoken to themselves that they accept it freely. I think that we often forget that our prophets are human, and they can be wrong. I have yet to meet someone who can use their gift perfectly and even fewer still who will claim it.

Don't get me wrong, I think that the spiritual gift of prophecy is important, just as is healing, discernment, teaching, words of wisdom, of knowledge, and any other spiritual gift. However, in my personal experience, me getting a word of prophecy has never been a completely life changing event. It usually ends up being a subtle thing, and in general a word of encouragement. I think that sometimes we get a little out of control with the amount of emphasis we put on things. Like the Bible, our spiritual gifts are meant to further our understanding of God, both for others and for ourselves. However, the main purpose and main focus is still God.

Another thing, and this is something that bugs me, why would you tell someone that you need to tell them something, but not tell them because God told you to wait? I mean why would you do that? That's like saying, "I have some cake, but you can't have any." Not only is it inconsiderate, but it drives the one you say it to crazy. If you can't tell me yet, don't even tell me there is something to say, because I'm going to start worrying about it, and I'm pretty sure that's how most will react.

Maybe this is a bit of a stretch, but aren't we putting too much stock into our spiritual gifts? Especially those of prophecy and tongues? It's like the others are forgotten which already gives me a red flag. But isn't life about stepping out in the dark hoping it's the right direction and trust that God will stop you when it isn't the right direction? When has any of us really knew what God intends for us more than a few steps ahead? Sometimes, those steps are years in advance, but that doesn't mean you know all the things that will happen in between each step. Life is a mystery, and I think God intended it to be. With a mystery, there are questions to ask, and who better to ask than the Creator? Doesn't having a mystery to solve edge us closer to the one with the answers? Could it really be all about getting closer to God? *gasp* who knew?

And, for me personally all this boils down to a struggle of letting other people's opinions interfere with my walk with Christ, with what I think is the right direction. And so I'm resolving to not let that happen anymore. I'm not going to let the opinions of a few get me down, I'm not going to let those opinions rule the way I run my life. I'm tired of being the social puppet. If they can't handle that I will do things on my own then they will cease to be my friends, but I'm tired of fighting for friendships that may not be worth fighting for in the end (no, this has nothing to do with who you might think it does. Generalizing statements here).

So, unless God confirms the words of prophecy spoken to me, I won't give them much stock. I won't take it as more than a grain of sand, I'll "put it in my back pocket" so to speak and be done with it. If people tell me they don't like something I am doing without giving me solid reasons for doing it, I will consider but probably ignore their opinions, because in the end that's all they are. Opinions are like pennies, everyone has one. So, why should I let it run my life? The answer is, I shouldn't. I'm not going to be a people pleaser anymore. I try to live at peace with those I'm around, but I'm not going to be anyone else but myself, and if I offend them, they can talk to me about it. I'm not going to go by feeling anymore. My discernment may start as a feeling, but I'll explore it, and God will tell me. The feeling grabs my attention, nothing more. Why has it taken me so long to realize that? I'm still learning I guess.

I guess that's all I really have to say. It isn't very organized I know, but I'm just expressing thoughts that seem to be on my mind lately.

Grace and Peace.

Ensanada: The Missions Trip.

2008-08-03T20:39:00.002-06:00

The missions trip to Ensanada, Mexico, what can I say about it? Positive? Negative? The In-between?

The Positive: We had people stay safe. We were constructing a church building for the locals, and although a lot of things could have happened the worst thing that happened was that a few got sunburned, some beat fingers from hammers, and a few scratches. The testimonies that the pastors we were working with were incredible, God has certainly been working in their lives in a very cool way. Also, we built a church in four days, now if that isn't God working through us I don't know what is, because that wasn't a tiny building. I also had a lot of fun getting to know some people, and learned a new card game. Not to mention coming back across the border was a little adventurous.

The Negative: It was a week of constantly being in a rush only to wait around for 10-15 minutes (which was a little annoying). I felt like our focus was so much on getting the tasks done we had set for ourselves that we forgot the real reason we were there. To share Christ with those around us. To share Christ with each other in fellowship and even some small devotions, which we only kept semi-regularly. There just seemed to be something missing from all of this. I still can't pinpoint what it is, but I know it wasn't there. Also, people in general seemed to have an attitude of not wanting to be there, or at least, the people I interacted with the most, but I can't assume that was the case. Finally, we had a 8 hour layover in Atlanta on the way back which wasn't that fun for all the delaying and what not.

The In-between: I suppose that in general there isn't much for the in between stuff. Just minute details. Sitting in a van for about 4 hours in the line to the border wasn't awful, but it wasn't the most pleasant either. Somebody in our group got lice, so we all had to do some double checking. I didn't have my phone on me for when we were in the airport and stuff so that was a kinda bummer. I got to play some brain age. That was fun.

In conclusion: Missions trips can be good, though there are a few rules that should be followed. Most importantly communication. Team members who have no idea what's going on tend to be grumpy. Another one is to keep your focus on the right thing. Not the tasks, though that is why one goes down, and not the people, though that is a huge part to loving God, but rather on Christ himself. But overall, if I had to rate it, I would rate it a 10 for the ones who benefit, but for myself this trip was a 5. It wasn't bad... it just could have been better. Though, I do appreciate American plumbing now.

Quando Quando Quando

2008-07-23T19:56:00.002-06:00

So I've learned that writing out my thoughts is very helpful in me understanding myself. Also, once I have my thoughts semi-composed I blog them out if I find them worthy enough, or am not too lazy to type it out. Tonight is a combination of catharsis and organized thoughts.

As strongly as ever, my desire for companionship seems to seep into my very core. As I've come to say so often, "God has given some the gift of celibacy, but I am not one of them." And it's true, I cannot even begin to describe adequately how I feel about having an intimate relationship with the woman who will be my wife. This desire is far beyond the physical realm, way beyond the desire to be married for sex. No, it is a desire to protect and to love, to serve and to sacrifice, to be God's arms, and words, and an expression of His love, as well as my own. I want to be married, and I truly believe I have found the person that God wants me to marry; but still I am restless, ever so tired of playing this game of waiting. I know I have to wait, because He is preparing me, but this time of preparation is also a time of trying to be agonizingly patient, and knowing that the only way I'm making it this far is by God and not by me.

"Not by power, nor by might, but by my Spirit, says the LORD" And that has become exceptionally true for me this summer. I have always tried to let God move through me, mend me, stretch me, teach me, and to do everything by His power, but this summer has been the most I have ever felt that tension within myself to do it myself, or let God do it. He has had to remind me time and time again that He is Jehovah/Yahweh, the Self-Sustaining One, and that because He sustains Himself, and the entirety of the Universe, that He knows better than I on matters of the Heart. He knows me far better than I could even know myself.

So I'm left with a dilemma. Do I sit and wait for God to do it all, or does He want me to take the steps necessary to get me to that point that I need to be, helping me along the way? I'm sure it may be a combination of the two. I can't just sit around and wait, because that isn't being a steward of what God has given me, of the talents He provides to me. Not to mention the fact that if I wait too long my desire may consume me, and lead me down a path I do not wish to pursue. However, I also know that there is some waiting, and sitting in silence before God just waiting for His Word that will tell which direction I need to go. To, essentially, stand still and look at the spiritual compass and let it point north, and adjust accordingly.

Is it so odd that I look forward to the times of trouble as well as good? It's not that I want to go though the hard times, but rather this knowledge of knowing that as long as I have God, and can stand with this woman it will be a wonderful learning experience once it has passed and knowing that it's those times that we grow closest together, and closest to God.

Is it really so strange that I have such a passion? Surely not, hasn't humanity since the creation of Adam want to do the very things I desire? To have someone that you can face the challenges of life with, and to have at least one person who you can say you know as best as humanly possible? Haven't we... Don't we all have a desire to find someone that we can call our companion, our comrade, our (truly) best friend, our help mate, our "insert significant title"?

*sighs* All that to say, I'm glad God is in control, and I'm not, because He knows better than I could ever understand.

Grace and Peace

Salt of the Earth

2008-07-21T00:13:00.003-06:00

I wanted to get some thoughts out before I went to bed.

Christians are known as the Salt of the Earth right? Well what does that really mean? When looked at salt in the context, salt had a couple of major traits about it (Thanks Erik :]) It was a preservative, a type of seasoning, and a healing agent. We all know, that as Salt of the Earth Christians should help each other preserve the faith, and our trust in God who has constantly reminded us that He is in control even when we are not. We should also be able to "spice" up our walk with Christ by actually having a relationship with God. We should help each other in "seasoning" our lives with diversity, searching deep within the scripture, hearing His voice, and constantly becoming more intimate with our Creator.

But what about the healing? Sure, we can speak truth into people's lives, and with the words that Truth (Christ) gives us, there can be healing, but I think that so often we forget that salt is not the most pleasant thing to have on a wound, in fact I would say that the only thing worse might be lemon juice. So even though, it's good for closing over the wounds, it is painful, and that is often how our spirits heal, I believe.

Being brought to a point where we must face God with all of who we are, scars and all, through whatever medium God chooses (preaching, a movie, music, anything) is a very painful place to be. Learning to let go of the things that we are so afraid to lose, not realizing that it is the very fact that we are holding onto it so tightly that we are causing the loss, being stretched and molded in ways we did not think possible, and being broken to become whole, are all such unpleasant feelings. They hurt, and we hate those times in our lives. Sometimes you feel so low that nothing seems to be going right, even then, we have to keep our eyes upon our Father's face. Healing is taking place, and when we come out of it, we will be better off for it in the end.

As Salt of the Earth, we are to stand with our brothers and sisters in Christ, and help them as they go through these times of suffering, but more importantly we need to express our love for the lost during these times, because it is these times that they hurt the most, and we can be a healing touch from God just by telling them that we are praying for them, or giving them a friendly smile, and treating them as the special people God has created them to be.

Just some thoughts. Time for bed now. Good night.

Grace and Peace.

Internet In Panera

2008-07-12T13:19:00.002-06:00

Hmmm, so much to say, and yet I feel as though I really don't have the words to say them. I will say this though, it's nice to have wireless internet though it sucks that I have to drive 40 minutes to get to it. Oh well, Panera is tasty.

This summer, has felt insanely long, and surprisingly short all at the same time. Every day has been something different, yet redundant. It it's been painful, but good. What a paradoxical summer, eh?

God has been stretching me past my limits, He's been putting me through His refining fire, and shaping me more into the man I need to be. I'm in a constant state of being taught, which is good, because life without learning is boring. He has been providing for me, by taking things away. I know that doesn't make sense, but I suppose at the same time it does. He has provided for my spiritual life, by taking away luxuries that I am so used to in my physical life. Suffice to say that this summer has been extremely good for me, and changing. Not that the core of who I am has changed, I don't think that ever will, and that's OK, that's who God made me to be. However, there are definitely some things that are different about me, I can feel it. I may not see where those changes are at until a situation arises that involves that change but, they are there, I know it.

And here I sit, in a deli restaurant, wondering what more there is to say. Of how I feel so incompetent at times, and how I have had days this summer where I didn't see any way out. I felt trapped by my sin, by the hopeless wreck that I am, a complete mess. Days where I have felt a repulsive smell, and the trash that follows it, is more appealing than me. Do I say these things because I want empathy, sympathy, or even a little bit of attention by way of pity? Hardly, I am just expressing things that seem to have lodged themselves deep within me these past few weeks.

In reality, I am a hopeless mess, but that's what makes the gift of salvation and grace that much more awe inspiring. How could a God of such high standards come to love someone like me, a man who can't even keep his thoughts from himself for more than a few minutes? I have become ashamed of who I have been, of what I have done in the past that was anything but glorifying to God, but with His forgiveness and unconditional love, I have lived in improvement. He is constantly refining me from the dirt that I was into the treasure that I will one day be because of His love.

So, I keep pursuing this invisible mystery, this presence that is often incognito. I do not always see Him where I am looking, but that is often because I'm looking in the wrong place or in the wrong way. Sometimes, He is silent, and in those days I just have to wait until He is ready to speak. Some nights will be restless because of this, and others will be wonderfully peaceful. That is how my relationship with God has always been, and until He sees fit to change it, that is how it will be.

He is so real to me, even when I doubt, and ask questions, even when I feel that there is no hope, I remember Him, and He takes me in His arms and tells me, "I love you". How awesome.

Grace and Peace.

Long Weeks

2008-07-06T18:57:00.003-06:00

What can I say? It's hard to be patient with dial-up speeds when one is so used to higher speeds. So, sorry for the late update.

Been working my butt off at Lake Swan, but it's been good. This week has been excrutiatingly long because I didn't stop working for this week until this morning (which is Sunday >_<) AND I get to start over tomorrow at 8 am. Wonderful. But really I shouldn't be complaining. Despite my aches, pains, groans, and moans, it isn't about me, it's about Him, whom I serve. It's about the hearts of the people, and hoping that even if the encounter if passing, they will see His love for them. After all, He IS Love.

I think, this is the most homesick I have felt in a long time. I am ready to be home, doing something else. I think that if something begins to seem repetitive to me then there is no hope in me having motivation to do it. I hate redundant tasks. I'm thankful they'll have me on Lifeguard duty for the final two weeks of my time here. It's not that I didn't enjoy being in the kitchen, it's just I need something new to do.

Kinda worried about this constant need for new though. Could prove to be problematic when it comes to finding a career. Gotta be able to support my family when I get one, and constantly changing jobs isn't going to help. Maybe I just need to find a job that has a new aspect every now and then. I like trying to think of new ways to present old things. I guess that's why God has called me into full time ministry, though I STILL don't fully know what that looks like, I'm willing to go until the door slams in my face. Then I'll pick a different direction.

This summer has been stretching me, though sometimes I'm not entirely sure where the core of me is being stretched. I see outward signs of an inward change, but am unaware of what that change is. Is that unusual?

I guess, I'll update later. Hope I don't get too burned out there.

Grace and Peace.

Lake Swan Camp... Wow.

2008-06-15T12:06:00.002-06:00

This past few days has been absolutely chaotic, and yet I am totally ready to do it again next week. God has been teaching me a lot lately. He is progressively bringing me to a place where I can be content with the way things are now, knowing that with His timing better things will come. I have full faith in what God has told me so far, and I can't wait to hear what else He has to show me before this summer is up.

I know that there is so much left to learn, and a lifetime to learn a little bit of it. I think that these weeks at Camp are going to be good. Brutal to my body but good for my mind. Every day this week when it came time to sleep I pretty much collapsed and was gone instantly. Sleep is good.

I have really enjoyed working with the people I have, and can't wait to get to know them better.

That's all I can think of right now, my ability to focus is kinda shot right now.

Happy Father's Day Dad! and God!

Grace and Peace

Marriage: The Underscore of God's Glory

2008-05-31T00:47:00.006-06:00

So, I have a lot of excited energy and it's time to get it out, even if it's just a little here on the blog. There is so much going on that I feel like I'm going to burst. This past week has been brutal on my body, but great for my psyche, and emotional stability. Yay, work and money!

My girlfriend visited for a week here at my house, which was awesome, and now she's back at home, and safe, which is also awesome. What can I say? I love her, I know I do. With every inch of my being, I love her. It's not for her looks, though she is an attractive woman. It isn't for her personality, though it compliments mine in a way that no one else has ever been able to do as far back as my memory will allow, and it isn't because she's a Christian, though it is definitely a part of the standards that I have when searching for my wife. It is her heart, her beautiful, precious heart. It is so sensitive to her friends, she can empathize with little effort; It reflects the strength of her character; it protects; it cares; it loves; it searches; it supports; it serves; it is strong, and most importantly, it is constantly seeking Truth. And that is where I am at... and the more I see myself, the more I see that my wife needs to have a heart like that. I would be stoked if God made her my wife, and as much as I would love to move to that stage there are still somethings that I need to improve on in my personal disciplines, and I need God's "OK".

This wouldn't be a decision that will only affect my thought process, nor is it temporary, this would change my life completely. I think it's important for the one who owns my life to have a say in the matter.

There are many things that I think are great about marriage (besides the obvious physical intimacy):

There is the requirement, and necessity to be altruistic to one's spouse. If you know me, you know that I'm all about altruism. To love others unconditionally without want of return. Love is such a part of my life I have the kanji for the word on my right leg near my ankle.

There is a connection that can only be had through marriage. An intimacy that goes way beyond the physical. It's emotional, it's mental, and superbly spiritual in nature. I love being connected to my creator, but there is this desire within me that says I long for a intimate connection with another human being. Marriage is a venue for this.

There is this profound desire I have to protect, nourish, support, defend, and lead a family. To create a legacy of my own that shouts the work of God in my life. To have my grandchildren reflect on my life and be encouraged to further their relationship with God because of the life I lead. Like my grandfather did.

I'm on an adventure, and I need a companion to explore this adventure with me.

In reality there is much more in my head that I can't get out right now, so I'll stop there. Safe to say, marriage by next summer would be awesome, but that's me being me. That's me saying I'm tired of waiting, after the years I have waited, to find out I had to wait even longer because she was not the one. That's me feeling a driving, passionate, and maybe even obsessive, need to quench a flame that has begun to burn within me; a flame that gets hotter every day, and I feel that if I don't satisfy it soon that it will consume me.

Reality is, God knows what He is doing, and that's all I can hope for. My life is not my own, and I have to stop trying to take it back. Everything comes with His timing, and all is for the good of the Kingdom and for His heirs.

Well it's summer now, and I have this entire summer to really reflect on what God is saying to me. I had gotten away from speaking with Him on a regular basis, and well... it was time to get back in contact with an old friend... and not just a friend, a best friend... no, a father, but even more than that, a spouse. He is my husband after all, or if you want to get technical, we are in the engagement "era" so I guess that would make Jesus my fiance.

Funny how that works out, isn't it? Everything in the Bible points to a marriage relationship with God. From the commandments given to the Israelites ("Will you obey all that I command of you?" "We [i] do") to the "x rated book" Song of Solomon to the New Covenant between man and God in Christ's sacrifice, to the New Heavens and New Earth. It ALL reflects a marriage relationship. So how honoring is it to have the privilege of being a living, breathing, tangible, and for some palpable representation of what our relationship should look like?

Everyone knows that they should have an intimate relationship with Christ, but so many people don't know what that looks like. And even though I know what that looks like for me, I could never say "here's how to do it" because it's a relationship not a religion. There is no formula, and each person is different.

Grace and Peace,
Austin

#100 - Dominated Thoughts

2008-04-28T22:03:00.003-06:00

Despite my best efforts, it seems that I cannot get my grandfather's recent death out of my mind. It's not that I'm depressed, but I can't help but reflect on the man I knew as my grandfather. His life, his legacy, and his passions have always seemed to influence me when I was not paying attention. I can't get his face out of my head, it makes it hard to concentrate at times. I have quite a few small papers to write, and a couple of larger ones, but the thing that dominates my mind are thoughts of my grandfather. Maybe I feel hurt, maybe there is a twinge of sadness in me... I know that he is in a better place, and that he is having a blast with his family there, but I miss him. I often wonder what kind of regrets he had, if any; I wonder if he knew exactly how much he was affecting lives, or if he felt like "the average joe". I bet he didn't realize the full extent of his impact, and I think that is true for many a man, and maybe God decides to allow that to be the case so that it can keep us humble. I mean, we struggle with pride a lot as it is, we don't need help in boosting our egos.

I'm ready to be done with school for a while. It's not that this semester has been all that strenuous, on the contrary, it has been mostly peaceful and relaxing minus a few twists and turns along the way, but I could never expect to have a perfect semester, because I'm human and make mistakes and that's enough to prevent perfection, but everyone else is human too (though I'm sure some don't act like it) and that is more of a reason. I'm just ready to stop feeling warn out. I need some rest; good, authentic, like a few days off, wholesome rest. I think that once I obtain it, that I will feel better.

I'm looking forward to the job I have at Lake Swan. I need to finish sending in paperwork, but I need to e-mail them about something first. I guess I'll do that tomorrow. I'm a little sad that I won't be able to hang out with the Poplar Point kids, but God has me going in a different direction and I cannot argue with Him.

This is my 100th post on blogger. I guess it's safe to say that the "trial" stage of blogger has been outdated, and it has become a major extension to my public communication (though my skills of communication seem to get smaller and smaller, or at least my perception of them). So, I wanted to do some big thing for it being my 100th post, but I couldn't think of anything, so it will have to remain as a passing notice.

Tomorrow is breakfast with Sammi and Jimmy, and then some homework. I go to bed now, good night.

Silence Is So Loud

2008-04-23T23:18:00.001-06:00

You know, until yesterday morning, I never really realized how much Paw Paw smiled. I mean, subconsciously I knew that he smiled all the time, but to really see it yesterday was very overwhelming. It made it hard to stand in front of friends and family to simply read a poem, when the man that is Ralph Woerner was presented in such a way that tears hit me like a load of bricks falling off the empire state building. I don't think it was sadness, I wouldn't say I was sad, though I wasn't crying tears of joy either. I think Richard said it best, I was just overwhelmed with the love he had for us while here on earth.

I don't have tons of stories that I can share about our Paw Paw, but I do know that after hearing all the memories that have been shared these past few days that I can clearly see, and say with certainty, that much of the man I am today is thanks to Paw Paw. I am much more like him than I originally thought. He's the kind of man I wish to be as I continue to grow older in Christ and in this physical shell. The things that Paw Paw is notorious for, are the things I long to do. I want to be passionate about everything I do, I want people to feel unconditionally loved regardless of their past, I want to be able to give money without a second thought, to be hospitable to all who come my way. I even have his walk!! It's probably more of a Woerner thing than anything else, but I honestly think I inherited that shuffle he always had when he walked from place to place. I'm so proud to be in his family.

Paw Paw was a far better man than I could have ever really imagined. The more stories I hear about him, the more I think, "I wish I could have seen that Paw Paw." Then again, I think my interaction with him has always been a bit different than most. I never saw the fired up Paw Paw, unless he was being stern with me. The Paw Paw I have always known is the silent one. A man of few words, and wisdom that seemed to just leap out at you from his eyes. It was like he could read you like a book. I remember in these past six months, that the time I felt connected with Paw Paw the most, is when we would just sit in silence, in the lawn chairs in his car port, just watching, observing really, the movements of the family around us. I would look over at him and smile, and he would just nod his head. Words were not needed, we both knew that we loved each other. I guess that was just the way we reacted with each other.

There were so many more memories I wanted to make with him. Memories of my wedding, and even my first kid. I wanted him to be there to share those joys with me, but I suppose God decided that there was a better plan, and who am I to argue with the creator of the universe?
Paw Paw was just one of those people who fed to me a passion for people through his life. Through his actions, he changed my life, and we barely even spoke upon the theological issues. We were just two practical men, watching our family, and loving them all the same.

So on a day that I would normally reflect on how my life has been, I spend it instead reflecting on how my Paw Paw has infectiously changed my life for eternity, with one step at a time. I already miss you.

A Wake-Up Call

2008-04-19T09:20:00.003-06:00

So today, at about 10am, my father called to let me know that my grandfather had passed away. And though this is very sad news, I can feel nothing but peace hitting me wave after wave, and I can't help but thank God for the mercy He has shown on my grandfather for taking Him home. He had been going through some pretty rough stuff with his sickness and everyone was ready for it to be over with. God decided to bring upon him the ultimate healing, and I couldn't ask for a better answer to prayer. Paw Paw gets to miss out on all the sorrow this world has to offer, because he is too preoccupied with his savior.

I do feel a bit sad though. I wanted him to be around for my wedding, I wanted him to be there when I had my first kid, I wanted to be able to spend a few more years enjoying the company as we would go fishing for no other reason than to spend time together (he's really the only reason I enjoy fishing at all), I wanted to see him for just one more Christmas, as the Paw Paw I've always known him as, but none of these things seem to be in God's plan for me or my grandfather. Besides, if I wished it now, I would have wished it later, so regardless of my desires, no mortal life can last forever.

So, here is to you Ralph Woerner. May your legacy echo in the lives you touched for generations. Much love from all of us to you, tell Jesus I said hello, and give Him one of your infamous back slaps for me.

Don't know when the funeral is going to be, or even if I will have a way to get there. It will work itself out though. If I need to be there, then I will be there. If God needs me to stay in TFC, then I will stay in TFC. Such is life, one begins, another ends, and everyone else is somewhere in the middle. And thus, another life ends, but the effects he had on us will ripple through the waters of eternity.

You Call That Prayer?

2008-03-30T22:13:00.005-06:00

What does prayer really look like? I mean, the good, authentic, "this is my heart, and I'm bearing it all to you God" kind of prayer. Does it really look like the many times I've seen it presented as? This "Dear God, please help us with this, and that, and Father God, I would like this..." It just seems so boring. When I hear people say things like that what I really hear is "I want to feel comfortable again, so give me the things I want." and that's not how God works at all. Has our prayer turned into something superficial?

We talked about prayer today at church, and it got me thinking. Does prayer really have to be this drawn out thing? Do we really have to use the word "God" like the word "um" in our prayers? Can't we just talk to Him like normal human beings? Why can't our prayer be more like talking to a best friend? Is it really disrespectful to talk to God and call Him "dude"? Because if it is, then I've been disrespectful for a very long time.

When I think of prayer I think of having a regular conversation. There are days where I've gone "Hey God, how you doing?" There are days where He is very sarcastic with me, we joke around with each other. Is that not prayer? Does it always have to be the "God this is going on, and it concerns me"? I do talk to God about my problems, but sometimes my problems aren't really anything to worry about, and I just want to spend some time with Him. Have I lost my mind, or is this the kind of praying that Jesus did when He spoke to the Father? He'd have to have some kind of relationship with the Father that was similar to that, because I can't see praying for hours on end that sounds like "Father God, we just would like to, God, thank you for, Father, everything, Jesus... etc." I know I'm exaggerating a little, and I'm sorry if I sound cynical, but I really want to know why is prayer like that? What good does it do?

Maybe I'm just different, and I can't pray like that. Maybe I'm just too practical to think that being so formal about prayer to be effective. Honestly, sometimes my prayer is thinking on something with this sub-thought that says, "Hey God, I'm kinda concerned about this," but there aren't really any words to it, just this... sense... for lack of a better term. *shrugs* I just don't know.

Maybe it's just me... maybe it's what I'm coming out of, but I feel like Christianity is becoming so superficial. Maybe that's what people mean by the "Christian Ghetto"... What has happened to us? I feel like Christianity, as the institution it has become, has fallen quite a bit from the way the early church was. What happened to being authentic? What happened to love? What happened to accepting people for who they are, not for what they've done, or for the things they do?

Maybe I'm just tired of seeing people get stuck in this endless cycle of hurt, get bitter, hurt others, get hurt by others, hurt. Christians!!! Not the "world", no I expect them to act that way, because that is what they know, but Christians should be above that, yet they aren't... what has happened to Christianity? Am I going crazy here, or have I caught on to something and it has pulled me out of this superficiality I used to call my religion? Am I finally starting to see what Jesus meant when He said, "follow me"?

Just some thoughts, you are more than welcome to give me your opinion, but keep it clean, k?

Grace and Peace.

P.S. My birthday is in 24 days... weeee!

Emotional Communities Have Cold Showers?

2008-03-24T12:34:00.004-06:00

Yesterday had a new feeling for me... as we were traveling to the campus I came to the realization that I felt like I was coming home. Usually, I feel like I'm leaving home and going a trip (an extensive trip, albeit, but a trip nonetheless), but not so yesterday. I have come to realize that TFC has become my home. I actually walked around for a while contemplating it, and I think the main reason that I feel like I'm home is not because wherever I am I try to be there 100%, but rather the idea of community that is beginning to permeate the campus. I feel comfortable here; I am surrounded by people who are all trying to become the men and women they feel they need to be. Granted there are those few who do not do well in community, or at the very least, the one presented here at TFC, and they cause trouble for others, but that is just another part of living in a community. It's been really good for me to be in a place where there are people I can talk to that aren't the average Christian. It has been good to feel accepted for who I am, and not for what I do, or what people have expected of me. I know that those elements are still there, but I feel like the pressure is weakening. Maybe it's just me not caring what other's think as much, or maybe people are beginning to be more accepting of others, or maybe I'm just out of my mind, and none of it's true, and I've become blind to what the reality has set.

Despite all the things about TFC I find annoying, I have to admit I enjoy being here. I like being able to walk around, enjoying the night air or the sun shine, and sitting on benches, or swings to just relax a little. It is very peaceful to just sit on a swing overlooking the river and just exist in the silence. To no think, or to process information, but just to be... so peaceful.

I've also come to see that my relationship with God is becoming less emotionally based. Which is nice, because it means I'm getting past this unhealthy neediness that seems to dominate most of my life. I am coming to the point where I know that Christ died for me, that He rose on the third day, and saved me from my sin, but I don't have to get emotional about every little detail. Don't get me wrong, I still have moments where things hit me hard and I can become emotional. But daily operations are becoming more "Do what you think is right." I think, that is part of what God has been teaching me lately, to use my brain and the intelligence He has given me to make decisions about anything ranging from what I am going to wear to the woman I am to marry. It's all about doing what I think is right, and then God will correct me when I am wrong, which is part of the learning process of what is right. It's really a fascinating concept, and very practical... yet another way God is talking to me directly.

I used to feel God all the time, but then I realized that these "feelings" are really just my emotional "highs". It is OK to get emotional sometimes, but to keep a balance is so much essential. We can't let our lives be ruled by our emotions, but rather by our God. "The heart can be deceptive."

Just some thoughts....

My mom is coming in today, which makes me happy because she rocks.
Also, our dorm seems to not have warm water currently, so I had to take a cold shower. *shivers*

That's all for now. I had to cut my thoughts short because I have class in ten minutes.

Grace and Peace

It's Easter, is it?

2008-03-23T11:28:00.002-06:00

The thing I find the most ironic about the easter holiday is that the we celebrate both the pagan and the "Christian" parts of it. We unknowingly, or in denial, celebrate the goddess of a fruitful womb and harvest, with our painted eggs and chocolate rabbits, but at the same time we will go to the buildings we call church and call upon the name of the Lord and worship Him, all the while standing in "awe" of the resurrection that occurred so long ago.

I guess I'm sounding cynical, but I'm not trying to be, just stating a fact that I found to be ironic and bit contradicting to our culture I'm sure. Though, I'm sure that I would not stop getting chocolate bunnies, and what not, denying to myself that I am celebrating the pagan side as well, but I think there is something much deeper here then any Christian really takes notice to. I'm not saying that we can't have chocolate bunnies, and paint eggs, and laugh at the commercials that have clucking rabbits, but just to keep in mind that there was a reason behind these things and it should be important to let our children know what that reason was, and explain to them why it isn't the correct viewpoint. I don't even have kids though, so what do I know?

I guess this is really just a few of my thoughts on the whole think... have a good Easter Sunday everyone.

Ramblings of 20 year old.

2008-03-20T15:28:00.003-06:00

Despite the fact that I'm tired of getting told how I'm worthless on a regular basis, I wouldn't change my time with my friends for anything in the world. Despite all the crap they give me, and 90% it is just pure joking around, I wouldn't exchange that friendship, because it pushes me to laugh at life, it forces me to rely on God, and they are great friends when it really counts. I guess I just get frustrated from time to time, but in the end, I am ok, life could be worse, and I have to thank God for the blessings he has given me.

This spring break has been slow, which is nice in one aspect, and pretty frustrating in another, but I have enjoyed my time off from campus. I am ready to get back to be honest, I don't know why really, because being away from it is much more relaxing than being on campus but I am ready to be done with the semester at the same time, so I guess it is understandable that I would want to get back to TFC and get this semester taken care of.

Classes have been alright but I feel like I am not doing as well as I had hoped. I mean, I'm doing what I can to get good grades, but when all my grades are coming from mostly tests, I feel like I can't make more than the average C, which is frustrating because I want "A"s and "B"s, and I want to feel accomplished in something I do besides music, though I suppose I should be content that I am good with it, or at least I feel like I'm good with music, and that's more than I can ask for considering that in reality I am nothing compared to the God who made me.

I'm still taking my beliefs and working them through as the issues arise, and I'm still discovering who I am in a way that makes sense to me... and these are things that I can see myself doing for the rest of my life, because I always want to know more about who I am and my relationship with God, and there is no way that I will learn everything there is to know about me, when I was created far more complicated than I probably realize.

But all in all, life is good, even when it is filled with sorrows, and I wouldn't exchange the things I've learned from both the good and bad experiences for anything. I am glad to have met the people I have, I am content with the fact that sometimes things won't be OK, but I will be, and I'm thankful for the way God has blessed me in it all.

And so life continues, with no one any wiser than the day before on the happenings of another.

Tired

2008-03-18T19:09:00.002-06:00

Today made me realize just how much I hate the way I'm treated. There are so many times when I feel like I am being walked over, run over, shot, and thrown down... and I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of being told how much I fail at life each day...

I'm tired of being accused of lying when I'm not...

I'm tired of people telling me that I need to stop being someone else, when all I am really trying to do is be myself...

I'm tired of the fact that I rarely if ever get any encouragement. Despite popular opinion, I do need to be encouraged from time to time...

I'm tired of people looking at me with this look of disgust...

I'm tired of trying to live up to everyone's expectations...

I'm tired of having to fight myself daily because I don't want to lose friendships...

I'm tired of being the "good kid", can't I just be Austin?

I'm tired of being angry over stupid stuff...

I'm tired of feeling like I'm fighting for nothing...

I'm tired of being told indirectly that I am worth nothing, that I have no purpose...

I'm tired of caring...

I'm just... tired...

Another Update

2008-03-15T19:39:00.004-06:00

Since it's been a while since I updated, I figured now would be just as good a time as any, especially since the internet at home is much better than the one at TFC. So, that being said, yay spring break!!

These past few weeks have been pretty crazy. I had two tests in the same day Thursday, feel kinda like my brain exploded. Classes have been going good though, despite the lack of motivation to get things done half the time. In my Church Truth and Destiny class we have been talking about eschatology (and I actually know what it means! *pats self on the back*) The more I look at the stuff the more shivers I get. I'm not sure why though, maybe I'm afraid? I asked my professor in that class if people were worth dying for, because it is something I think is true, but only after looking into it some more. He thinks so as well, which makes me happy. I mean just look at John 15:13. And for the very fact that Christ died for us. I'm not saying we deserve the gift God has given us through Christ, no no, but, if for no other reason than the fact that Christ deemed us worthy of His blood, I think people are worth dying for. Even if that worth is just the furthering of the message.

I forget how dark the campus of TFC can be until I leave campus and retreat to the peace of my home, or the homes of my friends. It's not that this semester hasn't been peaceful, on the contrary, this has been the most peaceful semester I have had at TFC to date, which is quite a feat, but much needed, since this has been a good time to rediscover myself, and really think through the things I believe. I need to stop being so impressionable. :)

Now it's Guitar Hero III time, woohoo! I guess I'll updates later when I think something pertinent is happening in my life. Later.

Just Wanted To Say Thanks

2008-03-05T00:52:00.000-06:00

-I never thanked you for that one time in choir where you encouraged me with a simple comment, and you will never know how much it meant to me.

-I never thanked you for sticking up for me all those years

-I never thanked you for praying for me endlessly

-I never thanked you for listening to me during the hard times, and laughing with me through the good times.

-I never thanked you for supporting me regardless of the lack of wisdom the decision may have had.

-I never thanked you for acknowledging my existence, even if it is just to torment me :D

-I never thanked you for loving me unconditionally, even though our relationship is over now, I will never forget you.

-I never thanked you for pushing me beyond what I thought my limits were, and stretching me in a way that made me who I am today.

-I never thanked you for all those talks, even though I hated them then, I appreciate them now.

-I never thanked you for accepting me just the way I am... a complete mess trying to find some truth in life.

-I don't thank you enough for being my friend.

-I don't thank You enough for pulling me through the hard times.

-I don't thank You enough for the good things, the beautiful things, the crazy, silly, hilarious, sad, joyful, lovely things.
*In fact... I don't thank You enough for anything. Thanks.

In Loving Memory

2008-02-25T23:43:00.001-06:00

"Rest In Peace"

As soon as it begins,
Life can take a tragic end.
In the blink of an eye
The beautiful smile vanishes.

We will miss your humor,
And the story that is your life.
You taught us all to laugh,
And how to be ourselves.
Through times of pleasure and strife.

Rest in peace my dear old friend,
I know I will see you once again.
On the other side of our dark death,
There is the Light of Life
Shining down on you and I
Tell us all is right.

Your memory will live on
In the hearts of those you knew.
You left a legacy,
And we will carry it through.

In case you didn't figure it out... I had a friend pass away early this morning. Fell asleep at the wheel and drove off a ledge. Sad day. Rest in peace friend, see you on the flip side.

Pictures For Your Enjoyment

2008-02-21T08:53:00.002-06:00

A Real Fine Wire

2008-02-17T23:54:00.002-06:00

You know, I did have this vague post in my head, but then decided it really isn't worth posting, and then I thought about posting a bunch of random stuff, but decided that... that too would not really be worth posting so now I'm stuck with questions and random thoughts.

So I've decided that every time I see the words "Word of God" in scripture that it is referring to teaching what Jesus taught. Ironically, I bet a lot of conservative scholars would agree, the difference is that I'm looking at Scripture from a whole different angle than most people I know do. I've also decided that I really enjoy reading the Psalms, and anything else that is considered to be in the "poetry" section of the Bible. I love poetry in general, but to see that art form presented in the Bible makes me happy, and I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I too am poetic, even if the poetry isn't that great, and so I enjoy looking for and finding the different poetic styles all throughout that section of the Bible.

I've also decided that having friends who live off campus makes getting laundry a lot cheaper, as in free. Also, being able to hang out with the friend for a night is also a plus, especially when that friend's mom makes brownies for us. Yummm... Speaking of brownies... I have finally found a form of exercising that I really enjoy. I like to walk for about an hour after doing some sit-ups and push-ups. This makes me happy, because I'm pretty sure I run on a deficit of the happy hormone.

Life still presents itself with the thousands of questions I seem to be asking myself, and most of it is consistent with just trying to get back in touch with who God is and how I connect with him. Such is life.

That's all I can really think about that might be remotely interesting, see ya.

Valentine's kicks and giggles

2008-02-14T20:42:00.002-06:00

The Kicks

The Giggles

Cold Hands and Warm Hearts

2008-02-08T12:57:00.000-06:00

So Valentine's approaches, as does spring, birds, bees, and the thousands of couples that apparently find each other's faces delicious. I really don't mind people kissing, just don't have heavy make-out sessions in public. I understand the pleasure of being with someone you care about, but please... keep the face eating to a minimum.

Speaking of relationships, what exactly holds me back from initiating one? Why DO I need to wait? These really are a kind of rhetorical questions, so don't panic, I'm not jumping into anything without thinking it through, but still that desire to connect with someone is so great. It's not that I am not content with being single... at least I think I am, but these desires can really be bothersome. Am I to wait because I need to discover myself? To firm my beliefs? Do I merely use that as an excuse? An excuse for what though, is it fear? If it is fear, then why am I afraid? What am I afraid of? My friend's opinions? Why? Because I respect their opinions, and know that some of them have had experiences and wisdom in areas of life that I have yet to reach. Is that the only thing stopping me from moving on? Is there other fears? The fear of it not working out in the end, or causing hurt or being hurt myself? My head is swarming with questions, and I can't seem to make many of them coherent.

Perhaps it is merely things that I need to get out of my life before I can bring someone else into it. Perhaps, I really did feel hurt at the end of my internship, but decided to hide it behind apathy. Maybe, I was a little bitter, and I am just now at the point where I can approach that area of my life, and work through it, sifting out the good and the bad, and then taking the good while leaving the bad behind. Perhaps, it is because I still don't know what I am going to do in my life. What is my calling? I can see myself doing, and enjoying, many types of ministry because I do know I am called into full-time ministry, and that it involves remaining here in the U.S. but beyond that, I can't see what it is. Is it as a traveling speaker, book writer? A song writer/performer? A church planter *shivers*? A fictional writer? Youth Pastor? Program director for events such as LIFE or camps? I can put myself in most of these options and can totally see myself doing them, so what does that look like if I had to put it under one title?

I need a job, but it seems that all the jobs on campus have been taken, so I guess I don't NEED a job, I would just like one a lot. I might stay here over the summer and just work, maybe take some summer classes... I'm sure Josiah will be happy to hear that, but we'll see.

My beliefs are starting to come together. All the issues that I viewed as major are beginning to become my own, but I am not prepared to defend them yet.

Thus life moves on, I grow a little more, I learn a little more, and I am freed a little more.

The chains are beginning to break, soon I'll be able to soar with freedom.

Darkened Days

2008-02-06T13:10:00.000-06:00

So, I've decided that I probably won't be posting my thoughts on my beliefs until I am ready to defend them, because someone pointed out that this is probably being a bit too public and I agree, so I will put my final thoughts on scripture and what I have been working through as this. First, these are THOUGHTS and not beliefs about Scripture... these are things I'm working through and deciding for myself. Second, just because I may be thinking that Scripture is not the Word of God but rather words from God, doesn't mean I think it is any less important, I just see the importance differently that is all. I still believe it essential, just not in the way that I was taught all my life. That is the final piece I'm putting up about this until I'm sure I know what I believe and why.

Moving on...

Today has seemed so dark, and I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the way the day has presented itself with it being rainy and eerily quiet, but I think there is something more. Today at lunch there was something that passed by me that almost had me jittery. I could feel it, as if a demon was just lurking around me, staring at me, and pondering what it wanted to do to me. Nothing happened, thanks to God I can only assume, but it definitely was a bit disconcerting to feel it so strongly. *shivers* There is something about this campus that always feels off, but I don't know what it is. Is it the elitist mindset that so many have? Is it this atmosphere that says, "be this or you aren't a Christian" (which is appalling by the way)? Or is there something more, or something I haven't seen? Whatever it is, it sometimes presents a bizarre feeling when I'm walking around.

Yesterday was really sunny and the temperature was probably pretty close to 71F which is awesome. It was good day, but there was also some foolish things that I did that I had to own up to. Those things are obviously not going to be disclosed on such a public setting, so get over it. This week has been slow, and very tiresome as well... I guess part of that comes from the World Missions Conference atmosphere, but there isn't much I can do about that.

I have loved having it raining these past couple of days. Rain is so peaceful, usually.

In Church Truth and Destiny class today we discussed why revelation from God is not considered be authoritative why the Church is. Obviously there were verses to back it up, in 1 Corinthians and 2 Thessalonians I believe. We discussed that sometimes there are two contradicting revelations, and I have to wonder, why would God contradict Himself? If God is a God of order and not chaos, which I believe He is because of what I have learned from being in a relationship with Him, then why would he send mixed messages? To cause confusion? Why would He want to cause confusion? To make us rely on Him? But weren't we already looking to Him and relying on Him in order to get that revelation? If so, then why? Why confusion? Food for thought I guess.

Only one more class today, and then an evening chapel *sigh* I am so sick of chapels... I feel like I'm going to church every day, which in itself wouldn't be so bad if the speakers weren't being so shallow with their messages. I know that someone must be getting something out of it, or at least I HOPE that is true, but for me it feels so boring. Where is the deeper concepts in it? Tomorrow, Men's Choir is going to do some singing, which should be fun, but I need some brown shoes that aren't sneakers >_< I forgot mine back home, haha. I sense a wal-mart run soon, if I'm lucky. If not I'll just wear some black pants and black shoes. Also, I think I figured out the problem with my speakers... I think there is a short in some of the cables, I will test this theory later today, and probably do some chapter summaries, although the ones due this week are already done, w00t.

So I leave you with something I aspire for,
Shalom.

No Modernity

2008-02-05T06:34:00.000-06:00

Wows, I am up by 7:00am today, but then again, I did decide to go to breakfast.

It seems to me that my mindset is changing ever so slowly from what it used to be. Things I use to consider firmly set in stone, no longer seem to make sense. Well no, they do make sense, but only if you look onto the surface of the issue and not how it pertains to me personally. For the concept I am trying to communicate I would even go as far as to say that my mindset is becoming less fundamentally rooted in modernity, and the beliefs that follow it. Not to say that if someone is a "modernist" that they are wrong, but merely that I am beginning to see something that is beyond these theological presuppositions. At the same time, I don't think that "postmodernism" would fit this mindset either, not because I don't like postmodernism, in fact, I encourage it to those who would wish to have that mindset, but because I do not think I have reached that point. Of course, using titles is, in actuality, silly and pointless, because titles merely helps our ability to judge one for their "beliefs" before we even get to know that person and learn what it is they really believe.

So again I present the biggest question that I keep coming back to. Is the Bible really the "Word of God" and the sole authority on everything, or is it a stepping stone into the deeper knowledge of the true Word of God which is Jesus? Isn't the Bible really just here to help us in our understanding of who God is, and how He loves us? I'm beginning to think so, and with that comes the understanding that though the Bible is good, and is beneficial for understanding God, that it is not, as it is too often coined, "the Word of God." I've even heard people refer to it as the living Word of God, and if that was true, that would make our Bible, Jesus, and in turn, God. So if Bible = God, doesn't that equal idolatry? Do we worship a "Magic Book" instead of the God who spoke the words in it?

As a friend recently pointed out, John 1 talks about the Living Word of God. It talks about the Word being with God, the Word was God, and that this Word was there in the beginning. Afterwards it states that the Word became flesh, etc. You guys have all heard these verses too many times for me to need to quote it to you verbatim. The point is, the Word is Christ, and if the Word is Christ, wouldn't that make him the Living Word of God? And if the Word of God is truth, that would make Jesus "Truth", and that the Bible is only a recording of what Truth has said to us throughout history. Which if it was pulled together in a nutshell would be, "I love you."

And what does that love look like? The cross? Yes, I think it is represented very well in the Christ, but God's love is spoken about long before the cross comes into play in the Bible. He had a chosen people, and He made a covenant with them. A covenant, that if you looked at it the way the Hebrews do, or at least they should, then you would see that this covenant was very much like our "vows" in a wedding. All throughout Scripture we see that God relates our relationship with Him as a marriage, and it is one of intimacy, passion, love, and desire. God's love is so much more than the cross, and yet it is all wrapped up in it too because people are worth dying for, and Christ makes that abundantly clear to us through His own sacrifice. So then, why are we worth dying for? I do not think this answer can be answered satisfactory. In my experience, humans are not perfect, and in fact we are quite a mess. We rarely do things right, we keep screwing up our lives, but God still brings us out of the darkness we set ourselves in and continuously guides us to this greater thing. So, the only answer I can really come up with to this question is that, we are worthy of love only because God decides that it is so. Not by our own means, but because He deems it to be so. And who can dispute with that? I mean, it's God, He does whatever he stinkin' wants to do!

I am still learning, and growing, and coming to my conclusions about a lot of things. I know I will never know something to the absolute because Truth is infinite because Truth is God. And this is also where I am really having to stretch myself. I need to change my world of bricks to a world of springs (for all of you who don't get this reference, read Rob Bell's book Velvet Elvis it's a good read in my opinion, though apparently he seems to be among the many things that are widely disputed among denominations and the Christians therein).

One day the wall won't be there, and the springboard to the higher understanding will. I know I will never stop growing, and I probably will have to go through this whole mindset mess at least 30 times every decade (I'm being positive, it will probably be more) but that is OK because my opinion on aspects of Christianity does not affect what I have learned about God, and my perception of who He is through that learning.

Love

Grace

Peace

Shalom.