Tower of Refuge

These past couple of weeks have been pretty rough on me. I can't even remember what I've done during these past couple of weeks, but I do know what I have been feeling. It's really a big mess of feelings: fear, apathy, anger, despair, sorrow, happiness, and probably some more hidden in there. The problem is that I have not really understood what has brought on these feelings, or at least, I didn't want to believe it until I asked a friend of mine why I felt horrible, and he simply responded, "Because you are stressed and haven't been able to get the encouragement from friends." It suddenly hit me that he was right. Not that I don't realize it, but I think that even I underestimate my own need for interaction from people.

For example, these past two days have been the hardest. Even though I have been with my wife for most of the day on both of these days, there was very little interaction. We sat in the same room, we played games, we even talked for a few minutes between things, but nothing seemed to make me feel better, but then we decided to go out and get some candy and grape juice. It might have been the fact that I was moving after sitting for so long, but what I really think helped me feel better was that we were interacting with nothing distracting us. We did not even say anything of high value, we talked about what kind of outfit would work for us if we decided to start dressing in a steam punk fashion. But just talking fed my heart and lifted my spirit in a way that nothing else that had or could have done. And just this evening I was feeling the same way, so we wrapped ourselves in warm clothing and just walked around the complex for about ten minutes talking about the stars and goofing off. Again, it made me feel better than anything I had felt all day.

I do not really understand what causes me to need such interactions so intensely, but when I don't get it I wither. I do not have to talk about deep theological issues, but some true interaction is required for me to function at my best. So then, this leads me to the question: What does this say about my relationship with God?

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. This could be an indication that I do not spend enough time in the stillness with Him (which I know is a fact, but then I don't remember it ever causing this type of a problem). It could indicate that God has designed me to need people, so that I can play some specific part in His plan and I'm just along for the ride. Or perhaps God is letting me feel this way to show me a hint of how He feels about His people. When it comes to my opinion, the options are so limitless that it would not surprise me if it was any combination of those options. I suppose, I'm still working through this area in my thoughts. After all, I am writing right now to get my thoughts out.

However, there are a few things I do know: I can't keep hoping that other people will solve my problems (not that I thought that explicitly, but it does seem to be a subtle thought), I know that whatever I'm feeling it is only temporary and I will be OK, and I know that God will remain in control of my life, because when I try to do things on my own I just screw things up. He is my tower of refuge, and I will hide behind the walls He has built to keep the enemy at bay. The more I do for God, the more resistance I face right (relatively speaking)? If so, then maybe Satan is getting scared :)

Regardless, despite how I feel I will keep pursuing Him, keep worshiping Him, and keep hoping in Him to guide me and preserve my life until it has fulfilled its mission.

Grace and Peace

Seriph

I really don't know how else to describe how I've been feeling lately except for the word "outcast", and yet, I know that the word is far from the truth. You see lately I've been noticing something that I wish with all my heart wasn't true: my friends and I are on two different paths. The reason I say this is not because one is more righteous than the other, but our sets of beliefs seem to be wandering away from each other, and maybe even more core than that is the fact that our personalities don't mesh. We get along fine, and really don't argue, but there is a core difference in preferences. I really don't understand it all. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm married, and thus being with me means being with my wife as well 98% of the time, or maybe it is because they seem to be seeing something about their relationship with God that I clearly do not, or maybe "this" or "that". I'm sure the plausible answers are endless, but still the question remains... why?

I believe the reason it has seemed so stark a realization today is because of the fact that it's been nearly a full week since I had anyone come over to my apartment. For some, this is a grand thing, and they wished it happened more often; however, for me, it is one of the worst experiences I could have. I don't think people really understand exactly how much being able to host visits, and feed friends, etc., feeds into my very being. Being denied such acts of hospitality is like closing an important valve for a water supply, or stepping onto someone's air hose while they are trying to breathe; it is suffocating.

Now I'm not writing this to make my friends feel guilty, in fact the whole reason I'm avoiding posting this elsewhere is because I know that few if any of my friends will read this blog. I just needed to write out my thoughts.

I guess that's all

Grace and Peace

Just to Let you Know...

I guess this is mostly to let everyone know I'm still alive. But I guess I have quite a bit on my mind as well.

In a nutshell:
My wife is unable to attend school this semester. We just cannot afford it. I still believe that God will get her back into school, however, I am also resigned to the fact that it may not be this semester. But we were able to get her into a free class because I'm a full time student, which is a good thing. There are other things that I want to worry about, but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not in control, and even if I was the things I want to control I would have no control over.

I'm also dealing with the fact that the check I sent for rent this month hasn't seemed to reach the people I sent it to. I've gotten two calls now that said they haven't seen/received/found it, and so now I need to call them personally to see what I need to do. Because I did actually send it before the due date and it was supposed to get there on the second.

However, there is good news. God loves me and His grace is more than sufficient for me. I have a place that I can call home, I have decent stuff, I have a beautiful wife who loves and cherishes me even though I can act like a stupid head sometimes, and I even have friends. I'm supposed to graduate this semester too, so that is good as well!

I've started teaching the kids about the beatitudes and what they really mean. It's been a really interesting study so far, but then, this is only the second week of eight (because there are 8 sayings). However, I think God will use it.

I hope my wife starts feeling better, she and a couple of my friends just don't feel well.

The Truth Behind Self

To start of with a quotation from a friend in a note I read recently:

"You are not your job, your grades, your relationship, your school, your clothes, your acceptance in society, your screw-ups, your success, or your religion. You are beloved by God, because you are human, His creation. He seeks you, to unite you with the Truth."

There have been so many thoughts running through my mind as of late, and I have had very rare a chance to actually pen them down. When I think about how this past week and how stressful it has been I want to break down into tears. Not because of any one emotion, but because of all the emotions built up inside of me just begging to come out. I've been so busy, and it has been bugging me to no end. When I finally realize that I need to take time and just be, the time for getting the most done before school ends comes around. Truly it is an annoying thing.

If you have texted me in the past week you would know that my signature has changed recently. It used to be "Free in Him" which I still hold strongly too, but now it says Son in Healing. I am using it to be a constant reminder that I am indeed a broken and wretched soul. Everyday I am reminded just how damaged I have become over the years. Not that being damaged is a bad thing; in fact, I believe that there is something incredibly beautiful in the brokenness it creates, but it has called for a time of rehabilitation.

I am not one to blame the church for my problems... at least, not anymore. However, I do think that the wounds and scars that I have given and received over the years has been within a church setting. You see, I was taught, like most of you, that I had to be certain things. When you think of masks, and people acting like two different people between church and the other 6 days of the week, then you are thinking of someone like me. For as long as I can remember, I have been pressured subconsciously, and sometimes even explicitly to be a good Christian, to do what Good Christians do, and to honor God. I do not believe that these things are wrong to desire, but I believe that the magnifying glass that accompanies them can be extremely harmful. So, at a very young age I began to tell myself and identify myself with the things that I did. Even now I am still fighting the urge to put my identity into my actions. This is why I posted the quotation above, because the truth is that my identity of self changed on a whim for many years.

In the core of my self, I know who I am. I know because who I am is in Christ and no one could ever take that away from me. However, if I feel like I have failed, then my identity was that I AM a failure. This is true for any other emotion or feeling. I began to compile it all together to present to myself exactly how worthless I was, and I became chained in something so dark, and so much more insidious than even my lust had taken me. For I began to discover (only within the past month or so) that my actions are a mere reflection of a much greater and deeper wound that has been bleeding untouched for years.

Recently, God broke those chains over me. It wasn't anything I did that influenced Him to do that, but merely a timing thing I guess. The truth be told, I don't know if He was waiting on me, or if I was waiting on Him. Either way, the point is that now I have been freed and the healing can begin. Unfortunately, that healing never takes place overnight, and so I am having to rediscover myself (again), redetermine what I believe (again), and perhaps the most difficult of all is that I am having to relinquish any control I thought I had so that I can obtain the freedom and the power that He gives. It really is fascinating.

I guess, in some ways this note is an echo of a testimony that was shared in Chapel on Monday. When the man speaking brought up all the words he used to define himself as, I could look at myself and see that I was and still struggling with being just like that. It has been a long and hard road to travel, and yet, I feel that I have made some true leaps forward in my understanding of what it means to be a "Follower of the Way"

I can only hope that you will continue to seek God and to listen to His gentle prodding so that He can show you something truly magnificent every day.

Grace and Peace

What A Mess I Am

This week has been incredibly rough on me. It's beaten me, bruised me, and thrown me in about a thousand different directions. And the saddest part of it all is the fact that I pretty much did it to myself. Granted, the car breaking down was not my fault, but all the emotional stuff is definitely all me.

The problem is, and this is my conclusion from this week: I care and love people in such a way that I forget to temper that love and care. Which leads to me taking on everyone's problems, and it leads to my emotions tricking me into feeling something that I don't have a reason to feel.
The other part of my conclusion is the fact that I have been keeping myself way too busy, and the saddest part about that for me is the fact that I don't know where or when it was that I went from where I was, to where I am.

I had an extremely good and long talk with a friend last night. We talked about the very conclusions I have now reached. We discussed my issues with circumstances, and why it was that I wanted to do something about it. We discussed why it is that I feel an incredible burden for people. But most of all, the conversation opened my eyes to a way I had been living. So, I guess this note is just to share and express this two part conclusion.

To address the first half of my conclusion:

The truth is that I love. I love with every fiber in my being, and I love with wild hopeless abandon. This love often leads to much pain, because when you choose to love someone, they affect how you feel. That is why relationships are so dangerous and so fulfilling and so painful. And why do I love? I love because Dad does. I love because my King does. I love because my Lover does. Because He taught me what love is, and He taught me how to love. He loves with such a scandalous, desperate, unimaginable love that I can't help but try to imitate Him. There is nothing wrong with love.

My problem then, comes from the fact that I forget to keep that love in check. Unlike my Father, I sometimes forget that love can feel overbearing and feel like too much. I forget that loving, even with good intentions, can create painful situations that could have otherwise been avoided. It is something that I've never really learned to do. I didn't even know it was really an issue until... well until last night really. It was like having to learn to walk again. I don't really understand why God has me in a major that asks me to be sufficient in something that is my greatest weakness... interpersonal communication. Sure, I can talk to a group of people just fine in a speech setting, but when it comes to intimate interactions I just fail to get it. It's almost like I suffer from some sort of social dysfunction. For example, the fact that what I'm writing right now, may not make sense to the reader is a haunting and likely probability. It usually takes a couple of tries to really express what I mean by something. It's incredibly frustrating, and I am very thankful to my friends because they somehow are able to put up with my strange and often idiotic idiosyncrasies.

To address the second half of my conclusion:

I am an incredibly restless person. Some of that comes from the fact that I have a lot of nervous energy, but it is not limited to that in the least. I think my problem in this area of my life is that I've always tried to keep myself busy. If I'm busy I don't have to worry about my problems, I don't have to face the conflicts, I keep myself out of a lot of trouble, and I get some pseudo feeling of success. In truth though, being busy accomplishes none of these goals. In fact, it has the opposite effect. It makes me worry more about my problems, it forces me to face conflict (because there is more of it), I do stupid and sinful things to escape the business, and I certainly don't feel successful. Oftentimes, I feel like a complete failure.
So why do I do it? I guess, it's because it is what I've always done. It is what I have always known. It is what I grew up around.

What is the solution? My friend suggested something. He told me, "you need to contemplate." I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what he meant by that. But from what I gathered from what he was saying is that I really need to get into the habit of simply "being". To sit in the stillness before Elohim, with nothing but myself. To be completely and totally there.

In Rob Bell's video "Everything is Spiritual" Elohim calls Moses onto the mountain to commune with Him. Bell explains what is really being said, which boils down to "Come to the top of the mountain, and BE on top of the mountain." It's this understanding that when we come before God, when we "rest" we are never truly resting, because our minds are in a million different places. What we need to do, calls we need to make, homework that needs to be completed, etc. And we never take the time to simply enjoy creation, to enjoy life, to enjoy silence. Just no more than two hours ago I was starting to once again worry about all the different things I needed to do. I needed to go grocery shopping, I needed to pack, I need to get back in time for the Jazz Band Concert, I needed to clean clothes, and the list just went on and on... now I need to get my car fixed, HA! But then my wife, my wonderfully understanding and perceiving wife, did something she does so well. She lovingly showed me how I was being a complete and total trad. Just one more reason why I love her.

So all that to say, developing a habit of "being" is so much harder than developing a habit of "doing" but it is such a better way of living that it's worth the blood sweat and tears.

I guess, the heart of this note. It's purpose, it's drive, is the fact that I want to encourage you. To let you know, you aren't the only one struggling just to live, just to be. As my friend encouraged me, so I encourage you. Just take time to BE, and listen what the Rabbi has to say.

He has so much He wants to tell us. I'm just on the the tip of the very edge of all the things that God wants to show me, all the wonder, all the awe-inspiring things. Not just concepts, but ways to view creation, ways to live. There is so much Truth hiding within the simplicity of what Jesus shared with His beloved children, and they so blatantly ignored Him. I do not want to do the same.

"Be of courage, and pursue Him with all you are. For He is pursuing you."

"Jesus is a disease that can never be cured."
~ Brennen Manning (that may be a misquote... *shrug*)

Grace and Peace

Team Hoyt = God and Us

First of all, if you don't know anything about Team Hoyt here is a link to give you some basic information. Teamhoyt.com

I have to say, that this has got to be one of the most touching stories I have heard in a while. I learned about it in church yesterday. The speaker was talking about not letting Satan or Ourselves get in the way of following Jesus, and I really appreciated what he had to say. In fact, he even showed the same video that I have posted in this article. But I just wanted to take some time to make a small comparison.

So often, we want to do things our own way, in our own time, with our own strength; however, the truth is, we cannot help ourselves. In many ways we are just like Rick Hoyt, the son who was a quadriplegic. We cannot do anything with our own strength (in a Spiritual sense) or take our own paths, but we must let God push us there. Allow him to direct us, to drive for us, to run for us.

Recently, I was struggling with what to do for the teens as I am running out of ideas on what to teach them, and a novel thought occurred to me... or rather God spoke to me through the thought, and that was to simply "be". Instead of trying everything I can to "do" He wanted me to "be". I know it's a common phrase, but it applies to this concept. "We need to be human 'beings' not human 'doings'." I just love the thought though. I'm not trying to say that we should be just a bunch of couch potatoes and not actually get up and do something. On the contrary, even James states that "Faith without works is dead". What I'm saying is that instead of allowing ourselves to worry about tomorrow, about what we are going to do even within the next hour, focus on the "here and now" and just be.

I think that too often we forget to be still and recognize God in His... Godness.

So, I think it's a fair example to picture ourselves as Rick, and Rick's dad, as our Heavenly Father, running that race for us, carrying us to the finish line because we couldn't do it ourselves.

Anyway, that's just a few jumbled thoughts put together.

Calling All X-Box Fans!

All right. For all you nerds, geeks, and otherwise technological fanatics (or if you are like me and a combination of the three) then this video will blow you away. You may or may not have heard of Project Natal: Milo but it has got to be one of the most fascinating things I have seen in the tech entertainment industry in a long while. It is really exciting just thinking about it.

Think of all the implications. Controllers could be done away with (although, I am not sure how I feel about that so much), the worlds are more likely to draw you in because of its realism, not to mention what could allow for future possibilities. It's one step closer to true virtual reality.

We have had stuff for virtual reality in the past, but it's not quite the same as what I think of when I consider good, real virtual reality. It's certainly not going to lead to Matrix level stuff (hopefully), but it should prove interesting.

That's all I got to share for now.

Grace and Peace.