We Were Wrong

I begin this post with hesitation and a little bit of trepidation.  It's easy to be passionate about something that a lot of people can get behind, but it is hard to confront people when you feel that they are in the wrong.  That being said, I want everyone to know that this is not written out of ignorance, hatred, etc.  I fight for Truth, and I feel that it was overlooked yesterday.  Let's begin.

I am appalled.  The more I think about it.  The more I research both sides opinions.  Chik-fil-a day should never have happened.

The fact of the matter is, this was never about freedom of speech.
This was never about toys.
This was never about faith.

When the first outcry happened after Dan Cathy spoke his opinion openly, it was about a group of people who have already been victims of inequality in so much more than just marriage.  It was about the fact that Chik-fil-a has funded millions of dollars to organizations that view homosexuality like this:

 

Criminalize, cure, and deport homosexuals.  I'm offended that anyone would be OK with this.  This individual isn't the only one who says it either, check out another individual's blog post.

I'm posting these links because I want it to be shown that I'm not just making this up.  People are really hurt right now.  People that we, as Christians, have been called to love.  

This isn't about Chik-fil-a.  

This isn't about one man's opinion.

This is about something bigger.

Whether right or wrong, the LGBT community is greatly offended by the actions of a franchise because they felt that those actions have further encouraged the outright hatred that has been shown to them over these many years.  Don't believe me?  Check out these statistics on just bullying in schools!

What was the Christians response?

"Support family values!  Buy a chicken sandwich!"

I can't help but scoff at this!  Family values?  I don't know about my readers, but to me a real family value would be standing up for people who are unjustly persecuted.

Same Sex Kiss Day came about as a response to Chik-fil-a day.  In the end, I feel that it was the Christians then who made the first move.  We started the war.  We caused more unnecessary bloodshed (metaphorically speaking).  And we will suffer the consequences.

Because now when LGBT community sees pictures like this:

 

and this:

What they are seeing, feeling, and interpreting is this:

and I can't support that.

Because for me this shouldn't be about who is right and who is wrong.
This should be about showing love and support even when you don't agree.

Because in the end, the only thing we did by having a "Chik-fil-a" day was look and sound like this:

And I know, no one wants that.

If you do, I am deeply deeply concerned.

Grace and Peace.

The Gospel?

What is the Gospel? No, really, what is it?

Now that it’s been a few weeks since I read the book, The King Jesus Gospel by Scot McKnight and have had time to digest it more I think I can be ready to put up my thoughts here. So, back to my question: What is “The Gospel”?

Many Christians will tell you that the Gospel is that Jesus died on the cross to save you from your sins and eternal damnation in a fiery pit called Hell. While I believe that there is truth in it, I also believe that this statement is incredibly short sighted and largely misses the target.

Gospel is defined by many as meaning “good news”. What about the above statement is good news? Salvation, sure, but saved from what? Our sins? What does that even mean? What about Hell? You expect me to believe in some ultimate destiny that no one really cares to think about? Honestly, how often do you think to yourself, “When I die…”? I know I am often distracted by the present to think too deeply about an expected 50 years in my future. Obviously, not all of us alive today are going to live another 50+ years, but I think it’s safe to say that we all expect and hope to. So this good news often feels irrelevant to John Doe who works in a corporate office from 9-5, whose wife is threatening to divorce him, whose kids hate him, and whose dreams are slowly slipping away. John doesn’t need to be saved from death; if anything, death might feel like a relief. No John needs to be saved from fear, pain, worry, and despair. There is no better way to break a person’s soul than to make them fall into despair.

This is a little bit like where Israel was around the time Jesus showed up: Romans had taken over the government and frequently levied taxes on the people; Their deity, I Am, has become silent for over 400 years; the people they trust to direct them in the ways that honor their deity have become corrupt; and there is general unrest. You might even say that this was Israel’s form of The Great Depression. I do not know about you, but I can almost feel the darkness that surrounds this era of earth’s history. So many things go on in the shadows.

In comes Jesus, born of a virgin, Mary, and raised by an earthly father, a carpenter, Joseph. On the night of his birth an insane amount of Angels shout out in joy (and scare the crap out of the shepherds they are speaking to), there is excitement in the air (certainly wasn’t a “Silent Night”), and YET, this kid enters the world largely unnoticed, and would not really make a name for himself until he reached the age of 30 and began his ministry. For 3 years, Jesus develops a relationship with and intensely invests in 12 men, which we know as the 12 disciples. As a closure to this time spent with the 12 men and the crowds that followed to listen to his teaching, Jesus is accused of blasphemy (rightfully so according to the religious leaders at the time) because he did, after all, claim to be the Messiah and God Incarnate. The penalty for Blasphemy is death, but by this time the Jewish religious leaders were so angry they decided stoning was not good enough. The man needed to be crucified as the show of ultimate shame. Thus Jesus was killed, on all accounts blameless and sinless. The story doesn’t end there though, according to his followers, this man decided that he did not want to be dead any longer and revived on the third day. After spending a few more months with his disciples Jesus finally ascends into heaven and is never heard from again, or at least, not in the physical sense like he was for those 33 years.

A couple of decades later we have Jesus’ disciples writing about the events that happened in his life. These accounts are known as the Gospel. We have all heard the story, but have we all grasped the fullness of it. Looking at Matthew alone I find there are details that I often overlook; for instance, the constant use of numbers to emphasize a point. 12 disciples, 3 days, 5 loaves 2 fish (7), and on and on it goes. Each number means something to the Jewish reader; each one sticks out like a sore thumb.

All that to say, the Gospel is – so – much more than the story of the death and resurrection of a Jesus, Messiah. It is a completion of a story. It is the Resolution of a long history, and the beginning of a sequel. The story of Jesus is the story of God restoring Israel, and all of creation with her, to that has been longed for since the first sin of Adam and Eve. It is freedom. Freedom from legalistic law, freedom from the worries, stresses, and hopelessness experienced by people under the rule of a Roman Emperor, and freedom from themselves in some sense. No longer are they enslaved by the law, but freed by it. How many times did Jesus say something that had to do with life? Jesus’ death allowed for people everywhere to live. He was the “ultimate sacrifice” as I’ve heard it called sometimes. I tend to think of it as the ultimate communication.

“I love you, come be with me.”

And I think that is what he would want today as well. Yes, we are saved from a wretched existence, enslaved by the very things we often do not want to do. But even more importantly than that, we are given a freedom and a life that we can experience here, now, in the “today”. I believe that in the death and revival of Jesus, there is peace that can be found, and a relationship that can be established with a very real and involved deity that we simply call “God”.

I believe this for so many reasons both intellectual and intuitional. I would even argue to be a Christian you cannot have one without the other. And even if I’m wrong, to paraphrase Puddleglum in C.S. Lewis’ The Silver Chair, I would rather believe in a place that has peace, freedom, life, and emphasizes this concept of altruistic expression to others and to a creator being than in this hopeless place we are in now. I do not mean place in the physical sense (heaven, hell, or earth); I mean it in a status sense. I would rather follow a standard that tells me to make my current location as much heaven on earth as I can. To let people know that I love them, even if no one else will.

Now comes the temptation to trail off. So, I’ll be done.

Grace and Peace

Dying to Life

What is life? Or rather what does it mean to live?

I am not asking about life in the sense of eating, sleeping, or even breathing. Nor, am I asking what life looks like within the constructs of interpersonal relations on the societal, familial, or intimate levels. Although, I suppose that those constructs might be involved to some degree. What I'm really asking, or at least looking for, is what does a fulfilling life look like. A life that has value and significance. A life that leads an incredible story that when "read" by others inspires them to be greater than themselves. This life cannot be conducted by the individual alone. It comes from both internal and external influences. And if you would allow the term, a super-external influence as well; the influence of a supernatural being that we have titled by the name of God.

To clarify, I believe in a creator God who, in love, created a world full of wonders and beauty, among which humankind is one of them. This same God also gave humankind free will so as to allow them the opportunity to choose Him, which makes their devotion and love that much better. The previous statement concerning the title of the being named God was more of an objective approach than anything. Perhaps, I am attempting to sound more intelligent than necessary. That is not my intention. Moving on...

I think I would like to look at the super-external influence first. The foundation to the message of Christianity is that human is innately sinful and that the first sin committed by the first humans are what lead to physical and spiritual death. To counter the schism between God and people that this sin created, God sent his son Jesus, from which Christianity gets its namesake, to die upon a cross. This action performed by the Christ, this sacrifice, took the sin of humanity and placed it on one perfect, sinless, and holy man. This sacrifice gave humanity an opportunity to be redeemed in the eyes of a God, who cannot look at evil, through bloodshed of Christ, and thus giving them a new life. In a very real sense, when we accept Christ as our savior, we are raised from the dead.

Jesus gave us life so that even though humanity still experiences the physical death, they will have a life after death; an eternal life. However, this life does not begin after death, but rather begins the moment it is given at the confession of Christ as Lord. Like joining a company of a good reputation, it has good pay, but also great benefits. So this new life then, leads to a fulfilling life because now there is a purpose behind the madness. Where there was hopelessness, there is now a hope that can't be squelched; where there were sorrows, there is now a joy that goes beyond just the emotion of happiness; where there was chaos, there is now peace; and where there was hatred, there is now love. And these are all things that make life so much more satisfying than just going through the daily motions of whatever rituals and traditions you follow (rituals in this sense would be regular practices, and not strictly religious in nature).

The reason I started with this influence is because I strongly believe that any type of life that is had outside of the life Christ has given to us, and given us the ability to have, is not a complete and truly fulfilled life.

The second type of influence I would like to look at is the external. This type of influence is interconnected in some ways to the internal influence, but more on that in a minute. External influences are where the interpersonal relations I had mentioned early come into play, because it is by the people we surround ourselves with that we are influenced. To give an anecdote, my mother has always told me that we pick up the traits of those we choose to befriend; thus, surround yourself with people that have traits that you desire. Or, to put it more succinctly with a cliche phrase, "garbage in, garbage out." Essentially, a fulfilling life from the external standpoint comes from surrounding ourselves with people who themselves have a fulfilling life.

At this point, I believe it is important to state that I believe that we cannot have a perfectly fulfilling life until we have reached perfection in the afterlife with Christ (which is another topic all together). However, I will say that different aspects of our lives can be quite fulfilling; just as everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, so too are different aspects of our lives more fulfilling than others. That being said, I think its important to surround oneself with individuals who inspire greatness. Search for people who make you want to be better than you are. Because when you aspire to be greater than yourself, the super-external influences begin to shine through. We cannot be more than we are without the help of something that is already greater. Surrounding yourself with friends, family, and loved ones who make you aspire for such greatness will keep you from growing complacent with where you are at. When you stop learning and stretching and become comfortable with where you are, then your life is no longer fulfilling. Instead, it becomes a half-life full of dull and asinine motions that are repeated regularly with no hope for something more, something new.

Which brings us to the final influence: the internal influence. This is probably the most difficult influence to control. I hesitate to use the word control, but I feel like it is the best word for what I am trying to say. Internal influence is based solely upon one's own discipline, desires, hopes, fears, beliefs, and everything else that makes a person "tick". No matter what type of influences you encounter externally, nothing will happen to give you a fulfilling life until you decide that you want to have one. A resolution, if you will, that leads to going beyond a mere decision and into action. Nations were never changed on ideals alone, there has always been an action to push those ideals through. The same is true for an individual. For instance, I can tell myself all I want that I want to be thinner, but until I put in the effort of controlling my diet, and regularly exercising, then I might as well have had no thought at all. The effect would have been the same, and my mind may not have hurt so much from the thinking. In the same way, I can want to live a life that has significance and value, but until I act upon the influences around me, and find things to do that are seen as significant and valuable, then all I am doing is wasting my potential on something that will not happen.

Obviously, there is much more that could be said on the subject. Things that I have considered but have not pondered through, or things that I would not have ever thought about, but that is the beauty of exploration. I dare to be wrong in the hopes of being right. The most beautiful and painful thing about having a fulfilling life (and perhaps the hardest aspect of internal influence), is that to truly live one must die. One must cast away their own hopes, dreams, fears, wants, needs, sorrows, and joys to take on those of another. Which brings us back to the super-external. When we take on Christ's aspirations, we discover what it really means to love. To live is to give all of yourself to this selfless, unconditional, gracious love. A love that can be defined by the term Altruism, and one I have not used in some time. I suppose, if I were to wrap up all that I've said into a sentence it would be this:

True life begins when you die at the hands of Altruism, because when you are more concerned about others than yourself you begin to see what life is all about.

These are just thoughts of a 20-something year old trying understand life as he sees it now. And that is where I end this post. As always, you are more than welcome to post your own ideas and opinions. After all, discussion is great for refining thoughts so, who knows?

Grace and Peace

What A Mess I Am

This week has been incredibly rough on me. It's beaten me, bruised me, and thrown me in about a thousand different directions. And the saddest part of it all is the fact that I pretty much did it to myself. Granted, the car breaking down was not my fault, but all the emotional stuff is definitely all me.

The problem is, and this is my conclusion from this week: I care and love people in such a way that I forget to temper that love and care. Which leads to me taking on everyone's problems, and it leads to my emotions tricking me into feeling something that I don't have a reason to feel.
The other part of my conclusion is the fact that I have been keeping myself way too busy, and the saddest part about that for me is the fact that I don't know where or when it was that I went from where I was, to where I am.

I had an extremely good and long talk with a friend last night. We talked about the very conclusions I have now reached. We discussed my issues with circumstances, and why it was that I wanted to do something about it. We discussed why it is that I feel an incredible burden for people. But most of all, the conversation opened my eyes to a way I had been living. So, I guess this note is just to share and express this two part conclusion.

To address the first half of my conclusion:

The truth is that I love. I love with every fiber in my being, and I love with wild hopeless abandon. This love often leads to much pain, because when you choose to love someone, they affect how you feel. That is why relationships are so dangerous and so fulfilling and so painful. And why do I love? I love because Dad does. I love because my King does. I love because my Lover does. Because He taught me what love is, and He taught me how to love. He loves with such a scandalous, desperate, unimaginable love that I can't help but try to imitate Him. There is nothing wrong with love.

My problem then, comes from the fact that I forget to keep that love in check. Unlike my Father, I sometimes forget that love can feel overbearing and feel like too much. I forget that loving, even with good intentions, can create painful situations that could have otherwise been avoided. It is something that I've never really learned to do. I didn't even know it was really an issue until... well until last night really. It was like having to learn to walk again. I don't really understand why God has me in a major that asks me to be sufficient in something that is my greatest weakness... interpersonal communication. Sure, I can talk to a group of people just fine in a speech setting, but when it comes to intimate interactions I just fail to get it. It's almost like I suffer from some sort of social dysfunction. For example, the fact that what I'm writing right now, may not make sense to the reader is a haunting and likely probability. It usually takes a couple of tries to really express what I mean by something. It's incredibly frustrating, and I am very thankful to my friends because they somehow are able to put up with my strange and often idiotic idiosyncrasies.

To address the second half of my conclusion:

I am an incredibly restless person. Some of that comes from the fact that I have a lot of nervous energy, but it is not limited to that in the least. I think my problem in this area of my life is that I've always tried to keep myself busy. If I'm busy I don't have to worry about my problems, I don't have to face the conflicts, I keep myself out of a lot of trouble, and I get some pseudo feeling of success. In truth though, being busy accomplishes none of these goals. In fact, it has the opposite effect. It makes me worry more about my problems, it forces me to face conflict (because there is more of it), I do stupid and sinful things to escape the business, and I certainly don't feel successful. Oftentimes, I feel like a complete failure.
So why do I do it? I guess, it's because it is what I've always done. It is what I have always known. It is what I grew up around.

What is the solution? My friend suggested something. He told me, "you need to contemplate." I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what he meant by that. But from what I gathered from what he was saying is that I really need to get into the habit of simply "being". To sit in the stillness before Elohim, with nothing but myself. To be completely and totally there.

In Rob Bell's video "Everything is Spiritual" Elohim calls Moses onto the mountain to commune with Him. Bell explains what is really being said, which boils down to "Come to the top of the mountain, and BE on top of the mountain." It's this understanding that when we come before God, when we "rest" we are never truly resting, because our minds are in a million different places. What we need to do, calls we need to make, homework that needs to be completed, etc. And we never take the time to simply enjoy creation, to enjoy life, to enjoy silence. Just no more than two hours ago I was starting to once again worry about all the different things I needed to do. I needed to go grocery shopping, I needed to pack, I need to get back in time for the Jazz Band Concert, I needed to clean clothes, and the list just went on and on... now I need to get my car fixed, HA! But then my wife, my wonderfully understanding and perceiving wife, did something she does so well. She lovingly showed me how I was being a complete and total trad. Just one more reason why I love her.

So all that to say, developing a habit of "being" is so much harder than developing a habit of "doing" but it is such a better way of living that it's worth the blood sweat and tears.

I guess, the heart of this note. It's purpose, it's drive, is the fact that I want to encourage you. To let you know, you aren't the only one struggling just to live, just to be. As my friend encouraged me, so I encourage you. Just take time to BE, and listen what the Rabbi has to say.

He has so much He wants to tell us. I'm just on the the tip of the very edge of all the things that God wants to show me, all the wonder, all the awe-inspiring things. Not just concepts, but ways to view creation, ways to live. There is so much Truth hiding within the simplicity of what Jesus shared with His beloved children, and they so blatantly ignored Him. I do not want to do the same.

"Be of courage, and pursue Him with all you are. For He is pursuing you."

"Jesus is a disease that can never be cured."
~ Brennen Manning (that may be a misquote... *shrug*)

Grace and Peace

A Simple Prayer

"You know, I want to be angry at You because You haven't given me what I want. Then again, when have I ever known what I really want?"

"I want to ignore You sometimes, but I find I cannot because you are so irresistible."

"You were the only one love with passion's quiet rage."

I'm so tired, and broken, and feeling like I'm lost. Yet I know that You are looking out for me. Your provision has not escaped my attention. Today we talked about the "foolishness of the cross", and I can understand what was being said, but I think what is more foolish in appearance is our love for You. People just don't get it, and I suppose I understand that as well. However, I cannot turn my back on you. Let everyone else think what they think, to hear what they hear, and see what they see. I want to be lost in foolish, dying love. Foolish because I know it makes no sense to do what I do, and dying because that's what love is all about.

I want you to sweep me off my feet. I want to get soaked in the rain, with my hair messed up, and my tears joining in with the beautiful chorus of storms, of suffering. Standing with hopeless abandon, not caring about anything but your words that I hear in the core of my soul: "I'm madly, dangerously, passionately, obsessively in love with you." My heart aches to be near you, but my mind trembles in fear of such a prospect. My soul pushes for you in everything, but my flesh wants to run and hide.

I want to be lost in your scandalous, foolish, dying love.

Even my wife cannot bring the satisfaction my soul longs for. Only you can bring it's sweet relief. Trying to make my identity in my relationships only makes me self-conscious, and I lose sight of you. I am thankful for the blessing you've given me through her, and she does provide something I've always needed. Companionship. But You, only You can be the sustenance of my very being. Of who I am.

Drown me in your love.

Comments on Comments

Scot McKnight: Spiritual Eroticism

This link will take you directly to the article that I am going to be commenting on. The main purpose of this post is for you to check out the link and really consider what is being said by the author Scot McKnight.

For those of you who don't have time, or are just to lazy to read then here is the basic "gist" of it, but I guarantee I do it injustice:

We as Christians engage in something that could be called "Spiritual Eroticism". That is to say that we are in love, with being in love with God. I know this might sound a little confusing, but consider it this way. People have begun to "love going to church" because of the way it makes them feel. Our praise music aims to give off an emotion, and we sometimes even read scripture in hopes of obtaining (or re-experiencing) so deep emotional experience. This is not a true love of God.

So, here are my thoughts on that paraphrase of the article:
I would have to say that I agree with McKnight in this instance. I have never read anything else he has written and so I cannot really have any other opinion of him as a writer except for this small article. The point is, I have seen this happen all too often. I have seen people talk about how worship wasn't that great because they didn't "feel" the presence of God there, and I'm sure that I have been guilty of such thoughts before too. I am, after all, human, and so I too make mistakes. Shocking I know.

We (especially those in the south) have come to the point where we love going to church, and singing songs, and perhaps even reading Scripture because we want to get some type of an emotional response out of it. We want to experience that "mountain top" emotion all the time. The problem lies in that we cannot experience this emotion all the time. We would not be able to handle it, and we would take it for granted if we could. Our relationship with Christ is very similar in a lot of aspects to our relationships with our spouse, significant other, siblings, or good friends. You will never feel love for someone all the time. Because of the way our lives run there will be days where you feel so in love with those people, so hopelessly intoxicated (a great liking for good friends) that you can't see any fault with them; and there will be other days where you are having a hard time liking them, much less expressing love. But that is where it proves itself most, because love is not an emotion, it is a decision, and a commitment.

This might be a bit of a stretch, but I don't think you could honestly tell me you think Jesus "felt" love for people the night He was betrayed. He felt fear, he was distressed, so much so to the point of sweating blood (which is a physically possible thing by the way), and yet He chose to love those He was about to die for.

When we look at Scripture we read about what love is. 1 Corinthians 13 talks all about it, and yet not once have I ever read the love is a feeling. Everything listed has been a decision or action taken to show it.

I believe that we need to remember what it is to truly love God.

Grace and Peace.

Another Post on Love

The more time passes the more I realize, and remember, and learn that Love is not about living. In fact, it's about the opposite, it is about dying. Love is dying to your dreams, desires, aspirations, and everything that makes the core of who you are, in order to serve someone else. Christ died daily for his disciples, He died daily for His Father's will, and ultimately, He died literally for us, those He did not even know yet, and said "forgive them". What an incredible display of love.

I too must come to the point of dying for the sake of others: my Lord, my wife, my family, my friends, my enemies, and everyone else (especially the teens that I try to teach the truth). It has been really interesting to experience these past couple of weeks. Although, when this post was in my mind I had a great number of examples, I do not have anything at the moment. At least, nothing I can share, but It has been great to experience all these things and despite some of them being painful, it has been good for my growth in my walk with Christ, and it is good to rely on Him because He knows what He's doing and I do not.

Once again, Alrtuism proves itself the victor over everything else. Thank you God for showing us What Love is by being Love itself.

Grace and Peace.

Patience

Patience is a virtue, or so the saying goes. God has certainly been providing me with plenty of opportunities to express patience. It's been very hard to not get impatient, but I know that I must in order to express my love for people.

I often get impatient when I can see an issue someone has and they are not addressing it, especially if they know of the issue. I get impatient when people who claim to listen, don't. I get impatient when I can't open a jar of anything. I get impatient with teenagers who get themselves into trouble, even if it's pretty obvious they don't know any better. Most of all, I get impatient with my impatience.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Every day is a little more difficult, and I don't want it to reflect in my life. I was going to teach the kids on patience this past Wednesday, but there were only two kids that showed up and a guy at the church shared the lesson, but I guess the study done was just as much for me as it was for them.

There were multiple verses that talked about being patient with God, and I've had to take them to heart these past few weeks. Most of them are in Psalms, but there are a few in Hebrews, James and other locations as well. I don't have the references around me at the moment so I can't really give exact locations, but I distinctly remember on of the verses being along the lines of "He waited patiently on the Lord, and he received the Promise that was made to him." That's not verbatim, but that is the gist of the verse. It's pretty interesting really when you think about it. All throughout scripture you see promises that God made to us as humans, and many of them do not come instantaneously, in fact, most only come after constant, persistent, seeking of Him and waiting through the tough and good times, for Him to fulfill His promises.

For instance, Abraham was promised to be the father of many nations, and yet that promise was not fulfilled until he was given Isaac as a son in his old age, when Sarah should not have been able to give birth any more. Abraham was not given a son until he was old. How long do you think he awaited the promise of God to be fulfilled? years right? Should we not then be patient as well for the things we desire, and the things God has promised to us? It's not that He does not want to give those things to us, but sometimes we have more road to walk, more to learn, more to experience, before He's ready to give those things to us.

Thank you Lord for giving me opportunities to be patient. May your patience overflow out and way beyond me and what I can do. Continue to teach me dear Lord, that I may not be content with where I am, but constantly striving to know more.

Grace and Peace

Incredulity Is A Fun Word

I've come to realize that I have been pretty iritable lately, and that in itself is irritating. I don't think my reasons for being irritated are bad necessarily, but it does affect the way I interact with people, and I know it shows in my body language because I practically where my heart on my sleeve for everyone to see. It's been a weird couple of weeks in that sense, and I can only pray that God will help me with this irritation so that I can love people the way He does and not by any concept of love I might have. Ironically though, it is love that leads to being irritated over what some people are doing. I can see so much potential being wasted because they won't open their eyes.

Some put too much expectations on others without voicing such thoughts, and then let everyone else sit confused when they blow up. Others don't listen to what is being said and in that way assume they know more about the situation they are in then they really do; and still others could be given freedom if only they would ask for it, but they do not want to be free, and that is the most depressing one of all. I know that I don't know everything, and if I am wrong about the situations I observe and hear about then good. I want to be wrong about some things.

So I'm irritated, but I'm also tired. I'm tired of all the inane and hypocritical things that go on here on campus. I'm tired of them trying to force a love for God down our throats, of claiming to be operating in Truth and yet still acting out of some form of legalism rather than out of love. I'm tired of them forcing us to do a "ministry" knowing that when one does it out of obligation it really does the body very little good, or no good at all. I'm tired of rules, inconsistencies, disregard, and assumptions that are made constantly from both the administration and the student body. We will never be unified at this pace. I know that this place can be redeemed, I can almost see it sometimes, but it is not there yet.

Unfortunately, I can't finish the rest of my thoughts at the moment, which means I'll probably forget how to say it throughout the day.

Grace and Peace.

Is The World Really Doomed?

It seems to me that everyone has their opinion on the election, and even though everyone is entitled to their opinion, it seems that many of them are a little over-the-top exaggerated to an extreme. Of course, I am also speaking from the perspective of a man who lives in Toccoa Falls, GA, where most everyone is a large McCain advocate and think that the world is going to end now that Obama is president. However, the world is still here, and it's going to be here after we are gone.

So, here's my view.

I think that both candidates had/have very positive attributes, as well as negative attributes. Both politicians had stances that can be morally agreed with, and both had some that could not be tolerated. I think that the candidate that we as the nation of the U.S.A. have made a good choice. I think that Obama will attempt to do the things he said he would. Many of which are positive. But he is human, and he is not perfect, and as such we as Christians, cannot expect him to have perfect moral standards. Christians themselves do not have such a thing, but we try.

Barak Obama is not a muslim, and for the record he is a mix between black and white. I think that sometimes Christians have a tendency to panic about the negative side of things (such as movies like the Golden Compass, and Obama's position on abortion, etc.) that we lose sight of the positives that surround that negative. We panic over the trivial rather looking at the larger picture. Don't misunderstand me, Obama's positions on some things are not trivial issues, but in comparison to the bigger picture it is really small. The world will change not by our attacks against legality issues, the world will change one heart at a time.

When we love people regardless of what they believe, regardless of what lifestyle they choose, then their hearts will begin to see the difference between "us" (believers) and "them" (non-believers). And as the "us" and "them" becomes the "us" the world will begin to change in a more positive way. Although this track is not an easy one, it is one worth pursuing.

Of course, so many times have we heard this message "preached"/shared/voiced, so the real question is, will we take it to heart? Or will we ignore the truth? *shrugs* The choice is up to each individual.

Grace and Peace

Quando Quando Quando

So I've learned that writing out my thoughts is very helpful in me understanding myself. Also, once I have my thoughts semi-composed I blog them out if I find them worthy enough, or am not too lazy to type it out. Tonight is a combination of catharsis and organized thoughts.

As strongly as ever, my desire for companionship seems to seep into my very core. As I've come to say so often, "God has given some the gift of celibacy, but I am not one of them." And it's true, I cannot even begin to describe adequately how I feel about having an intimate relationship with the woman who will be my wife. This desire is far beyond the physical realm, way beyond the desire to be married for sex. No, it is a desire to protect and to love, to serve and to sacrifice, to be God's arms, and words, and an expression of His love, as well as my own. I want to be married, and I truly believe I have found the person that God wants me to marry; but still I am restless, ever so tired of playing this game of waiting. I know I have to wait, because He is preparing me, but this time of preparation is also a time of trying to be agonizingly patient, and knowing that the only way I'm making it this far is by God and not by me.

"Not by power, nor by might, but by my Spirit, says the LORD" And that has become exceptionally true for me this summer. I have always tried to let God move through me, mend me, stretch me, teach me, and to do everything by His power, but this summer has been the most I have ever felt that tension within myself to do it myself, or let God do it. He has had to remind me time and time again that He is Jehovah/Yahweh, the Self-Sustaining One, and that because He sustains Himself, and the entirety of the Universe, that He knows better than I on matters of the Heart. He knows me far better than I could even know myself.

So I'm left with a dilemma. Do I sit and wait for God to do it all, or does He want me to take the steps necessary to get me to that point that I need to be, helping me along the way? I'm sure it may be a combination of the two. I can't just sit around and wait, because that isn't being a steward of what God has given me, of the talents He provides to me. Not to mention the fact that if I wait too long my desire may consume me, and lead me down a path I do not wish to pursue. However, I also know that there is some waiting, and sitting in silence before God just waiting for His Word that will tell which direction I need to go. To, essentially, stand still and look at the spiritual compass and let it point north, and adjust accordingly.

Is it so odd that I look forward to the times of trouble as well as good? It's not that I want to go though the hard times, but rather this knowledge of knowing that as long as I have God, and can stand with this woman it will be a wonderful learning experience once it has passed and knowing that it's those times that we grow closest together, and closest to God.

Is it really so strange that I have such a passion? Surely not, hasn't humanity since the creation of Adam want to do the very things I desire? To have someone that you can face the challenges of life with, and to have at least one person who you can say you know as best as humanly possible? Haven't we... Don't we all have a desire to find someone that we can call our companion, our comrade, our (truly) best friend, our help mate, our "insert significant title"?

*sighs* All that to say, I'm glad God is in control, and I'm not, because He knows better than I could ever understand.

Grace and Peace

Marriage: The Underscore of God's Glory

So, I have a lot of excited energy and it's time to get it out, even if it's just a little here on the blog. There is so much going on that I feel like I'm going to burst. This past week has been brutal on my body, but great for my psyche, and emotional stability. Yay, work and money!

My girlfriend visited for a week here at my house, which was awesome, and now she's back at home, and safe, which is also awesome. What can I say? I love her, I know I do. With every inch of my being, I love her. It's not for her looks, though she is an attractive woman. It isn't for her personality, though it compliments mine in a way that no one else has ever been able to do as far back as my memory will allow, and it isn't because she's a Christian, though it is definitely a part of the standards that I have when searching for my wife. It is her heart, her beautiful, precious heart. It is so sensitive to her friends, she can empathize with little effort; It reflects the strength of her character; it protects; it cares; it loves; it searches; it supports; it serves; it is strong, and most importantly, it is constantly seeking Truth. And that is where I am at... and the more I see myself, the more I see that my wife needs to have a heart like that. I would be stoked if God made her my wife, and as much as I would love to move to that stage there are still somethings that I need to improve on in my personal disciplines, and I need God's "OK".

This wouldn't be a decision that will only affect my thought process, nor is it temporary, this would change my life completely. I think it's important for the one who owns my life to have a say in the matter.

There are many things that I think are great about marriage (besides the obvious physical intimacy):

• There is the requirement, and necessity to be altruistic to one's spouse. If you know me, you know that I'm all about altruism. To love others unconditionally without want of return. Love is such a part of my life I have the kanji for the word on my right leg near my ankle.

• There is a connection that can only be had through marriage. An intimacy that goes way beyond the physical. It's emotional, it's mental, and superbly spiritual in nature. I love being connected to my creator, but there is this desire within me that says I long for a intimate connection with another human being. Marriage is a venue for this.

• There is this profound desire I have to protect, nourish, support, defend, and lead a family. To create a legacy of my own that shouts the work of God in my life. To have my grandchildren reflect on my life and be encouraged to further their relationship with God because of the life I lead. Like my grandfather did.

• I'm on an adventure, and I need a companion to explore this adventure with me.

In reality there is much more in my head that I can't get out right now, so I'll stop there. Safe to say, marriage by next summer would be awesome, but that's me being me. That's me saying I'm tired of waiting, after the years I have waited, to find out I had to wait even longer because she was not the one. That's me feeling a driving, passionate, and maybe even obsessive, need to quench a flame that has begun to burn within me; a flame that gets hotter every day, and I feel that if I don't satisfy it soon that it will consume me.

Reality is, God knows what He is doing, and that's all I can hope for. My life is not my own, and I have to stop trying to take it back. Everything comes with His timing, and all is for the good of the Kingdom and for His heirs.

Well it's summer now, and I have this entire summer to really reflect on what God is saying to me. I had gotten away from speaking with Him on a regular basis, and well... it was time to get back in contact with an old friend... and not just a friend, a best friend... no, a father, but even more than that, a spouse. He is my husband after all, or if you want to get technical, we are in the engagement "era" so I guess that would make Jesus my fiance.

Funny how that works out, isn't it? Everything in the Bible points to a marriage relationship with God. From the commandments given to the Israelites ("Will you obey all that I command of you?" "We [i] do") to the "x rated book" Song of Solomon to the New Covenant between man and God in Christ's sacrifice, to the New Heavens and New Earth. It ALL reflects a marriage relationship. So how honoring is it to have the privilege of being a living, breathing, tangible, and for some palpable representation of what our relationship should look like?

Everyone knows that they should have an intimate relationship with Christ, but so many people don't know what that looks like. And even though I know what that looks like for me, I could never say "here's how to do it" because it's a relationship not a religion. There is no formula, and each person is different.

Grace and Peace,
Austin

Black Roses

So after two (or is it three) weeks with nothing to post, I finally have something of interest (to me at least).

Christmas is just such an interesting time of year. It's the time when people go all out to buy gifts that someone will use maybe once or twice (usually) or at least, until the new "thing" comes out. Sadly I have been sucked into this too. I'm not sure if it's just because it's an American thing, or if it's just the people I'm with, or whatever, but I really want to get something for my family this year. Which is why some are getting scarfs, and other gift cards.

The problem with getting gifts is that, at least with me, there are so many people I want to buy gifts for that I can't, and so I always feel bad when only a few people get the gifts I intended for them, and not just some ghetto home made card that says, "Merry Christmas". I'm sure people might appreciate it, but it's not what I want to do for them. So, this year I actually get to do what I want for Christmas (in the sense of getting the gifts I want to get for others), which makes me happy.

But, Erik pointed out something today at Invert that I had never really considered before. It's not that I didn't care, it was just that I never really considered it. The Advent Conspiracy.... "what would happen if we spent less on people who have plenty, and gave more to those who have none?" was essentially the question. It was really profound for me though. Despite going out of country multiple times, I still haven't seemed to understand that there are so many people in need, and Christians can lead the way into reformation. To love others so much that we give with grateful hearts, and give generously. To think... God will count our lack of generosity as a sin... intriguing, and yet, so much like the God I have come to know and love, though I'm sure I don't show it near as much as I would love to. This Christmas = yet another paradigm shift. (they seem to be happening a lot lately).

This post isn't just about Christmas... it feels so long since I left Clarksville, but in reality it has only been two to two and a half weeks. I have been so busy lately though, that I feel like I have been gone a year. I wish things didn't have to end with so much tension, but it is in the past, there is nothing I can do to change it. I don't regret my decisions, I know in my heart they were the right ones, despite what some may say or think. Even if these decisions were wrong, it was far better than dawdling around in my fear and waiting for a sign from God that was not going to come. I know He wanted me to make a decision, and so I did. That, is that, and I move on. Black Roses.

I know I'm being cryptic about that, but you will just have to get over it... I'm not explaining my life via an expanse of internet gossip known as blogging.

There is still so much for me to learn, so many things to see, and so many dreams I want to achieve... but the one thing that takes precedence in my life is God, and He holds it all together. Altruism, Theology, Doctrine, Wisdom, Knowledge, Success, Failure, it's all for nothing without God in the middle.

And so it seems like I'll be ending this year the same way I started it. Alone, with nothing to hold onto except Christ.

Shalom.

p.s. Happy Birthday Jesus, whenever the actual day may be.

Wonderland

So I drove all the way down to Elberta, AL today, w00t me... but that has nothing to do with this post really...

So, Sunday morning, I wake up from yet another interesting dream. Would you like to hear about it? Too bad, I am not sharing this one, however I am going to share one of the things that stuck out to me the most. If you haven't noticed by now, all my dreams have some kind of key phrase that I seem to hone in on (for the most part anyway, there are a few exceptions). Anywho, this phrase took me a while to process it all. "Christians are self-conscious for the sake of others."

Now when I look at this phrase my initial reaction is like, "I don't think we should be self-conscious at all" but I was thinking more along the lines of self-esteem. We shouldn't be so self-conscious that it prevents us from doing the ministry God set out for us, but that is neither here nor there. After thinking on this phrase a while long I have come to the conclusion on how I view this phrase.

We as Christians are called to love and be loved. To be in a community, and know that our theology is really only the beginning to understand a God who is ever greater than we; a Living Word that constantly teaches us new things as we grow closer to obtaining the "shalom" God wants for us. For those reasons we should be self-conscious. We should be conscious of our actions affecting others: How we dress, what we say, our attitudes, our opinions, our use of our talents, everything, it all points toward one thing or the other: Self or Christ. Do we present ourselves in such a way that says "I care"?

I think this could really play in to what Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians (I think) when he talks about eating food served to idols. He doesn't want to be a stumbling block to his brother, so he chooses not to take advantage of that liberty he has to eat those foods. I think in the same way, out of a love for people, we should be willing to mold aspects of ourselves into the things that encourage others towards Christ, rather than inhibit them from Christ. Paul really says it best, "I became all things, to all men, in the hopes that I may reach some with the Gospel." (probably not verbatim, get over it).

There is a lot of "fluff" in this institution known as Christianity and it's buildings we call "church". Christians seem so intent on looking better than they are, but we need to accept the fact that we are only ragamuffins, and that is all we will ever be. That is what makes the Gospel so sweet, so addictive. It reflects the furious love God has for a bunch of broken down, beat up, and burnt out people; and in reaction to that love we follow the commands laid out to us. It IS a Gospel of Grace.

Though we are ragamuffins, that doesn't mean we have to look like slobs. Sure we be authentic about how we feel, but we need to present ourselves in a way that shows we are capable of love. How can you love someone else if you cannot love yourself? If our presentation of self (use of talents, way we dress, speech, etc.) doesn't reflect a love of self, how can we expect others to accept the love we offer, however trivial it may seem?

Perhaps, I am jumping all over a topic that I'm trying to hit; perhaps, I am just rambling on like a loony who just got out of Arkham; or maybe, just freakishly maybe, I am on to something here, and a paradigm shift is on it's way.

I think Kutless said it best:
"Why can't you see, that freedom is sometimes just simply another perspective away.
Who could you be? If your lens was changed for a moment could you still be the same?"

Now I'm off to bed, big day tomorrow. Laters!

Can I Please Stop Existing?

Why is it that every time I make a decision that if ends up being the wrong one? I mean, I am pretty sure that at this moment the only decision that I've made that is correct is ending my relationship with my girlfriend, and yet sometimes I wonder about that as well, but I will not waver on that.

I am beginning to wonder if God was really being quiet this past week, if He has been quiet for these past few months, or if I was never listening to begin with. I have to admit I'm pretty mad, I think this has got to be the first time I have ever felt anger towards God for His silence, but I know that more than anything I have to look at myself and wonder what it is I am doing.

I was getting excited about returning to TFC until this morning, when Jerry discusses with me different things and the more he speaks, the more I feel afraid that I made the wrong decision. I remember telling God that I was just going to take a step in a direction, and if He wanted me to not go, then to shut that door. I am still going with that strategy, because though I want to follow God, He has been extremely silent in these decisions. Until I hear from Him, this be the path I choose. I had felt, that either way, may have been OK with Him, but now... man I'm so confused.

Have I truly learned anything these past 6 months? I mean, at this rate, I'll never reach the point I need to be at, to be the man God has planned me to be. Will I ever? There is certainly things I have to learn to take into consideration when making decisions for sure.

Altruism... it's so much of my life, it's almost like a motto, and yet I feel that I haven't followed it at all. It's not that I haven't tried, but man, I feel like a failure at life. Sometimes being human sucks. I always have believed that trials are good for the soul, but then again, maybe I never really reached the point of a true trial. I have never been so far into the dark that I couldn't find my way back out, never felt so defeated that I gave up on everything. Don't misunderstand, I have felt defeated before, but I've always pushed through, even last week. Even though last week had to be one of the hardest weeks of my life, and I'm surprised I didn't just break down and cry, I suppose there is much farther I could have still gone.

I'm too afraid of failure, too afraid of disappointing others that I want to take the safe path, and it looks like I have failed at both. Failed at not failing, and failed at not disappointing others, and I wonder, have I failed God as well? That is the scariest thought yet, for though I love my parents, my friends, my pastor, I love my God far more, and to think that I have failed Him makes me want to cease existing. How can He do anything with this useless clump of dirt? I feel useless, and yet, God shows me where He is using me, and sometimes, that is the ONLY thing keeping me going.

I hate the way life is sometimes, but I love the adventure of it's mysteries. What a conundrum.

Loving God, Loving People

Here is another "sermonette" for your enjoyment. I'm sure there will probably be edits as the week goes on, but this is what the next sermon will be about, or close to it.

Today is probably going to be something you've heard before, but I really feel God is leading me to share this message with you as He is showing me how to improve on this area of my life. "Loving God, Loving People."

There are verses all over the Bible that talk about loving God, about living in a community with Him as the center. The Israelites were His chosen instrument to show us that, I believe. He gave them all these instructions about clean and unclean, sacrifices, war, and I believe it wasn't them following the rules that He wanted. Yes, they should obey, but not out of obligation, but out of love. The same applies to us, we should obey out of a love for God, a desire to obey because we love Him. Jesus Himself says:

If you love me, you will obey my commands."
John 14:15

And again in Matthew 22:36-40 Jesus says:

"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets."

We are to love God with our very being, with all of who we are, our heart, our soul, our mind, and even our strength. But there is another part of that command, "Love your neighbor as yourself." You see, God loves people, He loves us, and He wants us to love others. So many people remember the first command, but not the second, which is JUST LIKE THE FIRST!

And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

He considers it to be just as important as the first. In reality this command is practically a 2-in-1 kind of deal. Yes, they are two commands, but at the same time, you can't have one without the other. Now look at the last verse.

On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets."

Everything that God commands of us in based on this law. God wants us to love Him and love people, and I believe you cannot do one without the other. Not truly anyway. Loving God IS loving people, and you can't love people without having a love for God.

[At church we have talked about the sex trade and slavery that has been going on in southeast Asia, and the AIDS problem in Africa. If you did a little research on them you would realize that there is a lot of hurt in these areas (edited for relevance to reading group)] Does it concern you that real people are dying daily? Real people are getting raped, abused, molested, and murdered on a daily basis. Does it concern you that a world that was created to be good and growing is dying because of our sin? Ever wonder why people are able to do the things they do? Are you also capable of rape, murder, or any other heinous crime?

If you think "no" then let me ask you this. What makes you better than them? You might be thinking, "Because I am a Christian." Sadly, Christians are not impervious to these crimes and are just as guilty of adultery, murder, molestation, and even theft. And just because you don't act on it doesn't mean you are not capable of it.

I've been reading a book [recently] called, Blue Like Jazz, written by Donald Miller, and while I was reading it he said something that really hit me. To give you some context, he is talking about how he grew up in church and knew all the answers, but he wasn't sure if he really followed what he said. He came to the conclusion he didn't love people.

"I sat there above the city wondering if I was like the parrot in Lewis' poem, swinging in my cage, reciting Homer, all the while having no idea what I was saying. I talk about love, forgiveness, social justice; I rage against American materialism in the name of altruism, but have I even controlled my own heart? The overwhelming majority of time I spend thinking about myself, pleasing myself, reassuring myself, and when I am done there is nothing to spare for the needy. Six billion people live in this world, and I can only muster thoughts for one. Me."

Have we controlled our hearts? Have we willingly, passionately sought after God and persistently asked Him to give us a concern for people? You may say, "But Austin, I am concerned. I don't want people in Africa to die of aids, or want others to be sold into the sex trade." Then what are you doing about it? You may not be able to physically save them from their sickness or their situation, but there are ways to support those who are, and prayer is the easiest.

It is so easy and yet so hard to be concerned about people when they are across the world, because you don't feel the need to be active in it. It is a reality that is only a facade. Sure you might pray about it every now and then, but you aren't being fully, passionately, involved in it. It doesn't count as concern if you put money in the offering plate or pray for them when you hear about it, and only do it a couple of times. That is a reaction of guilt and not authentic concern. But let me bring our love for people back to the U.S. Do you love your neighbor? Who is your neighbor?

Do you love God enough to deny yourself to do what He asks? Then why do you not deny your wants, fears, and time for people? God not only asks us to love people, it is His command. Are you willing to share your faith with them? That is one of the best ways you can show them love, by taking the gospel to them. And don't show love by your words only, show it by living your love for them as well. "Actions speak louder than words." Right?

And it is not always easy, in fact, oftentimes it will hurt, but when you choose, commit, and take action of loving them because you love God, then God can and will eventually give you His compassion for them.

So love people. I don't think I need to give specifics on how to love; everyone knows what it is. Treat them as you would want to be treated, love them as you love yourself.

Love God, Love People.

Shalom,
Austin

Why are we stupid?

So I sit here, just chillaxin and about to watch a movie shown on the Disney Channel when I start to remember of all the things I've learned about my friends lives in the past weekend and it makes my heart ache. I love each and every one of my friends dearly, and I wish I could have gone to AWA with them, but still, I was glad to not have been there to a small degree this year. I have had multiple friends tell me how horrible their experience was because of two of my friends specifically being rude and completely inconsiderate of others. I am not going into detail, because it's not my place. But I am giving a small bit of information as a form of catharsis. I was so shocked to hear about them doing this, that I couldn't believe it the first time I heard it from someone. They have never acted that way before, as far as I can see, this was a new aspect of them I had never seen. Maybe we never really saw that in them because they didn't act that way towards us. Then what presented the opening of our blindness? It hurt even worse to hear of how they didn't give the people they called friends the time of day. One friend's birthday was completely forgotten about. *sigh*

I just don't understand why we as humans can be so fickle and vain. Thank God I am not God, haha I think I would have given them a spiritual backhand a while ago. But then again, I would have done the same to me. In fact, I think He already has a couple of times in the past.

Love... I don't have it, but God gives it to me. That's why I find it hard to hate people, and know that loving is hard to follow up on. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I guess I'm just rambling. k night.

Let's Start a Riot!

So, I don't really know why I feel the need to write something down but I just do. So I guess I will ramble on until I feel like I have written enough. Haha, that is pathetic isn't it?

Well, I had a friend visit this past week. Her name is Joy, and she is an amazing friend. I have missed her, and being able to visit with her a little has been a nice change of pace. Alas, now she is gone and it will be another few months before I see her again, assuming she is able to come back to TFC at all. I mean, they are increasing the amount of money needed to pay tuition. *le sigh*

I've decided that I find it near impossible to hate someone. That use to not be true. I used to be a very VERY hateful person. The same way Josiah can be at times now, is how I used to be. However, lately (only by God's love and grace) I cannot seem to be able to hate anyone. Mind you, I'm not complaining... it is just a new feeling that I'm not used to yet. I have heard people tell me over and over again over the past few months of how they hate this, that, or so-n-so, and all I can think of is how they shouldn't hate anyone at all. It frustrates me, and I hate that thinking, but I don't hate the people who think it. I love them... there is no other way to say it, but I love them. Altruism... haha, I haven't talked about that in a while. I wonder if I had just been through a long spell of silence from God and now He's hitting me up again. You know kind of like, "I know you want to help, but take a break for a while." and now it is "Hey, I have an assignment for you!" I find it very amusing that God works with me in such a way.
I've also discovered that God has given me the spiritual gift of prophecy. I find this intensely fascinating since I've been seeking this gift off and on for a few years (even before my camp experience with a prophecy being spoken over me). I had not been sure of this gift being given until recently when someone prayed over my gift of prophecy and their asking God to expound on it and expand it in such a way that glorified Him (btw, I didn't tell this person that I thought I had received the gift). So that was amazing. During this same prayer, this person also prayed over me to receive the gift of tongues. So if I receive that, which I think I will considering that God was the one who asked me to have prayer over me about, then many more changes will be coming my way. Changes that will be terrifying at first, but then by the time things come around again they will be amazing and I am looking forward to these changes. After all, God is STILL developing my gift of discerning spirits... It's a gift, a great gift, but at times it can be a troublesome thing to have.
Let me try to explain. I love having this gift, and I still need to learn how to discern the spiritual things I feel, and trust me, I feel things ALL THE TIME. There haven't been many days where I don't feel something. Whether it is peace, or turmoil from someone I always feel something. The days I don't feel "something" is because of someone making their emotions a "void" and so I feel the emptiness instead of the intensity. Now the reason that this can be troublesome is that I don't always know what the it is I'm feeling. Sometimes (well, many times) I feel this ominous presence and I have no idea what it could represent. I ask God and many times He remains silent. It isn't until after things have cleared up that I realize what it was. So it is still a gift under heavy development, and add that to prophecy and tongues and wow do I have a full schedule ahead of me. I know that God has some big plans for me, and I am excited about it, but at the same time I'm a little scared. Not, scared... I guess anxious is a better word. Trembling with excitement and having butterflies for trying something new. It's like getting on a rollercoaster for the first time you know? Or learning to love a woman you barely know as a friend... and then realizing that before you know it you are considering marrying that girl after three years. Man time flies...

Yeah, have I never mentioned that? I am planning on talking to my girlfriend's dad this summer and asking for her hand in marriage. I know I don't have a ring yet, but that is just one of the many steps that need to be taken.

There was a theme either last year, or the year before, for Poplar Point Camp (it's the camp I go to every summer) and the theme was "catalyst". I really am beginning to like that idea more and more as I see the changes that God is making in my life and others. I see a change brewing in Toccoa and it will be a change for the better. As I have said before..."Here am I Lord, do what you will." I know that is going to get me in trouble, but I DON'T CARE!!

Gee willikers, do you think this post is long enough? Haha, I guess I need to call it quits for now. I got out a lot of thoughts and well, you poor people have to read all the way through it. I will be nice to my readers and end here. Thanks for reading through it all btw, that is impressive, and lets me know I'm loved. KTHXBYE!!

"Let's start a riot, a riot,
Let's start a riot!!"
- Three Days Grace