One Bloody Rose

First day back and it has certainly been an interesting day. It's been nice to see everyone again, and on the plus side of that, most people seemed to have been relieved of some type of burden over the weekend. I guess there were many people who needed to have some days off from school, and life in general. Perhaps, it was not everyone, but many people seemed lighter to say the least.

However, there is still a darkness that seems to cover this campus. Perhaps, it is just the cycle of life. We all have those days, months, maybe even years, when nothing seems to go right. I know I have had my fair share of them, and none of those times have been pleasant, but they have all proved to benefit me in some way, and that is just the way God works I suppose.

It made me genuinely happy to see my friends happy, and having a good day, and it makes me genuinely sad when they are sad. I'm such a sponge of the atmosphere surrounding them, that they could tell me something completely opposite of what is the truth and I would know deep down that they were not being honest with me. I'm not sure why, but I've always been like that.

I've learned something recently... life has phases, oh so many phases, and interestingly enough, even though one's perspective may change because these phases, that does not mean that the situations themselves have changed. For instance, since freshman year at college my interaction with my friends has gotten more sporadic and less consistent, whether by busy class schedules, or anything else that can occur, but my caring for them, and my concern on their behalf have not changed. I would easily drop everything I'm doing to go to their side, whether as a support, or just someone to listen; whatever the need I will fulfill it if I can. That's what I do, that's who I am, and I cannot change that, nor do I want to.

I feel kinda sad. I'm not sure why... perhaps it is because I know that a friend is probably going to get hurt with the path he is taking, and I hope that I am wrong.

Well, considering I can't seem to arrange my thoughts any further in a coherent fashion I'm going to stop here. Just got to keep praying, and watching, and waiting, and helping where I can.

Grace and Peace

Life 101

Don't really know what to blog about, just felt like it was time for an update.

Life is going pretty well. I've been thrown through a refining fire and came out the other side. Got the burns to prove it too (not literally, just fyi. I'm still physically sound). God has certainly had His way with me, and that's the way it should be. I am talking with Him in ways that I had forgotten about. I don't fee like I'm yelling across a chasm anymore, which is wonderful. I missed being able to just sit in His lap and be. Not that the offer wasn't there; it has always been there, but I somehow learned to ignore it. Shame on me.

For most of the semester I have had to use a friends computer because both my MAC lappy and my PC desktop are kind of... malfunctioning, heh. However, through good parents and God's provision I now have a "new to me" laptop that will satiate my compy needs. Yay, God! Yay, Parents! Once again He proves to me just how much of a Jehaovah Jira He is.

I guess that's all I got for now. Until later.

Grace and Peace

Looking Down From Above

"I stand above the earth. With acute hearing, I listen to the happenings below me, watching, waiting, looking for something (or someone) that I know needs to be found. Once I find it, I will leap down, and pick it up, only to bring it into the healing it has always wanted."

I cannot begin to explain how real that statement feels to me lately. I feel like I can "hear" people's deepest secrets. It's not that they are coherent, and so I know everything about them, but I know that they are being expressed in the most subtle of ways. From the smile that does not reach the eyes, to the joke that forces a laughter from one full of sorrow, to the genuine joy of knowing Christ's love. Everyone's lifesong seems to overwhelm me. I'm not used to this feeling, and I'm not sure how to handle it yet. It's like discovering you can hear people's thoughts, and not knowing how to dim the ones that are not as important as others. And though I don't think I'm actually hearing these things, there is definitely a distinct presence about people, and I am often overcome with the feeling to pray for them immediately even when I'm a good seventy feet away. My only solitude from the noise is an "oasis" that I essentially live on when I'm not on the ground.

What does it all mean? I couldn't tell you, even if I knew ^_^ It is such a personal picture I don't think that my mind can fully comprehend the depth of it all, but my spirit does, and as I commune with God I will gradually understand it. I feel as though I am a protector. My purpose is not to engulf myself in war, though it may have it's place, but rather I am to train those who are, and not just train them, but protect them, until they are ready. I have a smithy... I'm sure it will come in hand later in life. Perhaps, I'll be able to equip these people I am protecting.

Really, it's quite fascinating.

My heart is weighted down by these "secrets" though. I feel very sad for some people, and overcome with joy and happiness for others. I definitely need to learn how to handle this new "power" soon so I don't go crazy in a panicked state. heh.

Grace and Peace.

Experiential Experiences

This weekend... has been great.

I did not get a ton of rest, but when has one ever gotten sleep at youth retreats?

The main theme was this concept of having our identity in Christ. Which was wonderful, because there are so many different names that Christ gives us. For instance, instead of believing the lie of our name being "worthless" we can be confident of the true name which is "valued"; instead of weak there is "strength"... the names are endless.

I got a new name this weekend. It made me happy.

And I got to practice some of my spiritual gifts. That also made me happy.

And I had another vision today related to the last one I posted. That one made me so happy I almost cried.

hurray God.

Grace and Peace

Something Interesting

So I've decided to read through the gospels in my personal quiet time with God. I've never really read through them on my own, so I figured why not?

So while reading in Matthew 27 I came across this passage (51-53) that immediately after Christ's death:

"At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people."

OK, so I've never EVER have seen the part highlighted in green before today. Seriously, it's like we feel uncomfortable, or don't know how to explain it, so we skip that detail. This is not a minor detail. People are raised from the dead and did not just go away. They stayed around for a while.

So, here is where I would love some interaction. Why is this part of the passage in here? Why did it happen? Why has no one ever spoken of this in any sermon?

And if there are any other questions you want to ask (and answer if you wish) feel free.

Begin Discussion.... NOW!

Grace and Peace

Given Some Hope

"I walk up to the door, the rain is pouring over my head, and I look through the window in the door. Before me stands a beautiful woman dressed in white. She is smiling. In her arms there is an infant, which is also dressed in white. The child is staring at me with intense blue with green eyes, and there is recognition behind them. She is my daughter and I am her father. What a beautiful pair they make. The two most beautiful women in the world are standing in my house waiting for my return."

That is what I saw today... and I almost cried. Today has absolutely sucked. I have felt like there was a void pulling at me, begging me to fill it when I had just created it. I had to cut myself off from something that was so important to me, that it became too important. Now, that hole that was created begs to be filled, and it makes me feel empty and alone. Of course, I'm never alone. God gave me this vision to give me hope. I'm excited to see what else He has for me to see, no matter how depressing and cold the vortex may get, I will walk over it and move on.

Besides... it will be filled soon enough with something better, and something God gave me rather than me giving it to myself.

Grace and Peace

With My Head Held High

Where to even begin?

I guess a good place to start is to state how happy I am to have a friend who is willing to let me use his computer for the semester/year? However long it takes to replace my current one, that is on the brink of falling to pieces. *shrugs* Thank you Lord for provision. You're a great daddy.

But what more is there? I wish I could adequately put it into words. There is so much going on in the "shadows" that I can't even see it all. Between being told of the idols in my life, showed where I can, and, really, must adjust accordingly (like shattering those idols [some seem physically, heh]), and having spiritual gifts revealed to me. This semester is turning out to be one full of absolute awe of God, joy in His promises, pain in His teaching, and much much more.

"The battle began three years ago, and we have been at a stalemate these long years, but the tide will soon turn, and the enemy will have no where to run."

I'm incredibly excited to see where God is leading me. Although, it has already proved to be a very scary plummet into the darkness. I have had to place the things that I desire the most, the things that seem the most beautiful to me, upon the altar and walk away. One day, some of those things may be given back to me, but for now, I will only focus on one thing. My Master. He is teaching me, stretching me, striking my heart where the poison seeps in, and removing it. He and I have done some sparring and He kicked my butt, however, now I think I can be more open to what He has to say, where if I had not struggled with Him I would not have so apt to listen to His ever gentle, firm, and loving voice. He is definitely an awesome sensei.

These past couple of days have probably been some of the hardest I have experienced to date, and yet, I could not keep my eyes of Jesus. He is such a beautiful Bridegroom, and such a good lover. He knows exactly what I need to hear to keep me going, and He lets me lean on Him. He stretches me in the places I need stretching and pushes me beyond my limits to increase my skill. I would be completely unworthy of His love if it were not for the fact that He deemed me worthy with His sacrifice. I can honestly say, I'm glad it's all about Him.

I think I can now hold my head up high, knowing that no matter what happens, He will be there beside me; fighting with me, fighting for me. How could I have ever forgotten what communion with God is like? Those idols were separating us more than I thought... wow.

Thank you Abba, for being such a forgetfully forgiving God, but amazingly remembering all the good you have promised. Thank you for not forgetting me, and for fixing all the toys I broke :)

Grace and Peace