What I Want

I'm beginning to ask the question: What do I want?

Not in the sense of material things, but rather in a sense of “what do I really want to do for the rest of my life?” I know that this is probably a poor time to decide to ask this question, but it is something that has been nagging at the back of my mind for a few weeks now.

What do I want?

I know that I love music, that I love teenagers, and that I love most things creative based. I love to act, I love to think, and I love to talk about God. What does any of this have to do with what I want?

Everything.

God has placed passions upon my heart, and I have yet to find a way to combine them all. I want to work with youth, but I don't think a “Youth Pastor” really fits that desire.

I want to be a musician, and I would love to travel the world singing songs of praise to my Father... songs of life experiences, songs of worship, songs of thankfulness... songs I have written, and songs others have written.

I want to work on video game productions: coming up with stories, with character ideas, and maybe even composing the musical soundtrack to such things. I know that video games have been seen as “entertainment only” but I have played a lot of different games that have made me think in a philosophical way. It is something I enjoy, and it's something I could see myself working on.

I am such a diverse individual just within myself. I have not been able to see myself doing things like singing in church as a job for the rest of my life. I love doing choir, and I love singing in church, but I don't want that to be my sole source of income. I want that to be a volunteer thing that I do when I'm “in town” if I'm part of a traveling band.

I do not regret taking on the Communication Major that I'm partaking in, but at times I wonder if I should have kept the Music Major as well. It's something that has been bothering me for a while now, and I don't know what to do about it.

Maybe I can be a traveling band musician dude, who writes books for youth (fictional or nonfictional), and works as a composer for video game companies?

Just considering.

I'm gonna be praying.

Grace and Peace.

Looking Down From Above

"I stand above the earth. With acute hearing, I listen to the happenings below me, watching, waiting, looking for something (or someone) that I know needs to be found. Once I find it, I will leap down, and pick it up, only to bring it into the healing it has always wanted."

I cannot begin to explain how real that statement feels to me lately. I feel like I can "hear" people's deepest secrets. It's not that they are coherent, and so I know everything about them, but I know that they are being expressed in the most subtle of ways. From the smile that does not reach the eyes, to the joke that forces a laughter from one full of sorrow, to the genuine joy of knowing Christ's love. Everyone's lifesong seems to overwhelm me. I'm not used to this feeling, and I'm not sure how to handle it yet. It's like discovering you can hear people's thoughts, and not knowing how to dim the ones that are not as important as others. And though I don't think I'm actually hearing these things, there is definitely a distinct presence about people, and I am often overcome with the feeling to pray for them immediately even when I'm a good seventy feet away. My only solitude from the noise is an "oasis" that I essentially live on when I'm not on the ground.

What does it all mean? I couldn't tell you, even if I knew ^_^ It is such a personal picture I don't think that my mind can fully comprehend the depth of it all, but my spirit does, and as I commune with God I will gradually understand it. I feel as though I am a protector. My purpose is not to engulf myself in war, though it may have it's place, but rather I am to train those who are, and not just train them, but protect them, until they are ready. I have a smithy... I'm sure it will come in hand later in life. Perhaps, I'll be able to equip these people I am protecting.

Really, it's quite fascinating.

My heart is weighted down by these "secrets" though. I feel very sad for some people, and overcome with joy and happiness for others. I definitely need to learn how to handle this new "power" soon so I don't go crazy in a panicked state. heh.

Grace and Peace.

Experiential Experiences

This weekend... has been great.

I did not get a ton of rest, but when has one ever gotten sleep at youth retreats?

The main theme was this concept of having our identity in Christ. Which was wonderful, because there are so many different names that Christ gives us. For instance, instead of believing the lie of our name being "worthless" we can be confident of the true name which is "valued"; instead of weak there is "strength"... the names are endless.

I got a new name this weekend. It made me happy.

And I got to practice some of my spiritual gifts. That also made me happy.

And I had another vision today related to the last one I posted. That one made me so happy I almost cried.

hurray God.

Grace and Peace

With My Head Held High

Where to even begin?

I guess a good place to start is to state how happy I am to have a friend who is willing to let me use his computer for the semester/year? However long it takes to replace my current one, that is on the brink of falling to pieces. *shrugs* Thank you Lord for provision. You're a great daddy.

But what more is there? I wish I could adequately put it into words. There is so much going on in the "shadows" that I can't even see it all. Between being told of the idols in my life, showed where I can, and, really, must adjust accordingly (like shattering those idols [some seem physically, heh]), and having spiritual gifts revealed to me. This semester is turning out to be one full of absolute awe of God, joy in His promises, pain in His teaching, and much much more.

"The battle began three years ago, and we have been at a stalemate these long years, but the tide will soon turn, and the enemy will have no where to run."

I'm incredibly excited to see where God is leading me. Although, it has already proved to be a very scary plummet into the darkness. I have had to place the things that I desire the most, the things that seem the most beautiful to me, upon the altar and walk away. One day, some of those things may be given back to me, but for now, I will only focus on one thing. My Master. He is teaching me, stretching me, striking my heart where the poison seeps in, and removing it. He and I have done some sparring and He kicked my butt, however, now I think I can be more open to what He has to say, where if I had not struggled with Him I would not have so apt to listen to His ever gentle, firm, and loving voice. He is definitely an awesome sensei.

These past couple of days have probably been some of the hardest I have experienced to date, and yet, I could not keep my eyes of Jesus. He is such a beautiful Bridegroom, and such a good lover. He knows exactly what I need to hear to keep me going, and He lets me lean on Him. He stretches me in the places I need stretching and pushes me beyond my limits to increase my skill. I would be completely unworthy of His love if it were not for the fact that He deemed me worthy with His sacrifice. I can honestly say, I'm glad it's all about Him.

I think I can now hold my head up high, knowing that no matter what happens, He will be there beside me; fighting with me, fighting for me. How could I have ever forgotten what communion with God is like? Those idols were separating us more than I thought... wow.

Thank you Abba, for being such a forgetfully forgiving God, but amazingly remembering all the good you have promised. Thank you for not forgetting me, and for fixing all the toys I broke :)

Grace and Peace

Let's Start a Riot!

So, I don't really know why I feel the need to write something down but I just do. So I guess I will ramble on until I feel like I have written enough. Haha, that is pathetic isn't it?

Well, I had a friend visit this past week. Her name is Joy, and she is an amazing friend. I have missed her, and being able to visit with her a little has been a nice change of pace. Alas, now she is gone and it will be another few months before I see her again, assuming she is able to come back to TFC at all. I mean, they are increasing the amount of money needed to pay tuition. *le sigh*

I've decided that I find it near impossible to hate someone. That use to not be true. I used to be a very VERY hateful person. The same way Josiah can be at times now, is how I used to be. However, lately (only by God's love and grace) I cannot seem to be able to hate anyone. Mind you, I'm not complaining... it is just a new feeling that I'm not used to yet. I have heard people tell me over and over again over the past few months of how they hate this, that, or so-n-so, and all I can think of is how they shouldn't hate anyone at all. It frustrates me, and I hate that thinking, but I don't hate the people who think it. I love them... there is no other way to say it, but I love them. Altruism... haha, I haven't talked about that in a while. I wonder if I had just been through a long spell of silence from God and now He's hitting me up again. You know kind of like, "I know you want to help, but take a break for a while." and now it is "Hey, I have an assignment for you!" I find it very amusing that God works with me in such a way.
I've also discovered that God has given me the spiritual gift of prophecy. I find this intensely fascinating since I've been seeking this gift off and on for a few years (even before my camp experience with a prophecy being spoken over me). I had not been sure of this gift being given until recently when someone prayed over my gift of prophecy and their asking God to expound on it and expand it in such a way that glorified Him (btw, I didn't tell this person that I thought I had received the gift). So that was amazing. During this same prayer, this person also prayed over me to receive the gift of tongues. So if I receive that, which I think I will considering that God was the one who asked me to have prayer over me about, then many more changes will be coming my way. Changes that will be terrifying at first, but then by the time things come around again they will be amazing and I am looking forward to these changes. After all, God is STILL developing my gift of discerning spirits... It's a gift, a great gift, but at times it can be a troublesome thing to have.
Let me try to explain. I love having this gift, and I still need to learn how to discern the spiritual things I feel, and trust me, I feel things ALL THE TIME. There haven't been many days where I don't feel something. Whether it is peace, or turmoil from someone I always feel something. The days I don't feel "something" is because of someone making their emotions a "void" and so I feel the emptiness instead of the intensity. Now the reason that this can be troublesome is that I don't always know what the it is I'm feeling. Sometimes (well, many times) I feel this ominous presence and I have no idea what it could represent. I ask God and many times He remains silent. It isn't until after things have cleared up that I realize what it was. So it is still a gift under heavy development, and add that to prophecy and tongues and wow do I have a full schedule ahead of me. I know that God has some big plans for me, and I am excited about it, but at the same time I'm a little scared. Not, scared... I guess anxious is a better word. Trembling with excitement and having butterflies for trying something new. It's like getting on a rollercoaster for the first time you know? Or learning to love a woman you barely know as a friend... and then realizing that before you know it you are considering marrying that girl after three years. Man time flies...

Yeah, have I never mentioned that? I am planning on talking to my girlfriend's dad this summer and asking for her hand in marriage. I know I don't have a ring yet, but that is just one of the many steps that need to be taken.

There was a theme either last year, or the year before, for Poplar Point Camp (it's the camp I go to every summer) and the theme was "catalyst". I really am beginning to like that idea more and more as I see the changes that God is making in my life and others. I see a change brewing in Toccoa and it will be a change for the better. As I have said before..."Here am I Lord, do what you will." I know that is going to get me in trouble, but I DON'T CARE!!

Gee willikers, do you think this post is long enough? Haha, I guess I need to call it quits for now. I got out a lot of thoughts and well, you poor people have to read all the way through it. I will be nice to my readers and end here. Thanks for reading through it all btw, that is impressive, and lets me know I'm loved. KTHXBYE!!

"Let's start a riot, a riot,
Let's start a riot!!"
- Three Days Grace