Band Days

So, I've been coordinating with a friend of mine, and we have been fueling each other's passions for the starting of a band. It's something I've always wanted to do, but never thought I could. Recently, however, I decided not to give up on this this desire. After all, desires must have a reason behind them, even if they are not always good ones.

Anyway, it's only been about a week since I've begun to conceptualize it, and I believe that I still have a ways to go, but I am happy to see how far it's come.

The biggest thing I want to do, is to target the audience that are the people who are hurting, the ones who cry in their beds at night because nothing is right (even if they appear to have it all together). Those who wear the mask of perfection, for fear that if someone saw who they really were they would be ridiculed and rejected. The outcasts, the never have-been's or ever will-be's. I want to write music that those people can relate to. To express how I went through times like that, and I am now OK. That they can be too. I guess to some degree, as my friend put it, to express the healing that we have experienced and to share that with them.

I don't want this band to be just like every other band. I don't want us to be limited to one genre. I want this band to be able to play a variety of stuff, from the light to the heavy. Because, each song will have it's own feel, and each feel will reach to someone different.

I guess, that's really only as far as I've gotten at the moment, but I can't stop thinking about it. And between my friend, my wife, and I we certainly have enough lyrics to start putting music to it. We just need a drummer and a second guitarist. I know we could use other types of players (Piano for instance) but I also know that often times, people are not limited to one skill in their art of playing instruments. Which is happy.

Guess, I need to go.

Grace and Peace.

What I Want

I'm beginning to ask the question: What do I want?

Not in the sense of material things, but rather in a sense of “what do I really want to do for the rest of my life?” I know that this is probably a poor time to decide to ask this question, but it is something that has been nagging at the back of my mind for a few weeks now.

What do I want?

I know that I love music, that I love teenagers, and that I love most things creative based. I love to act, I love to think, and I love to talk about God. What does any of this have to do with what I want?

Everything.

God has placed passions upon my heart, and I have yet to find a way to combine them all. I want to work with youth, but I don't think a “Youth Pastor” really fits that desire.

I want to be a musician, and I would love to travel the world singing songs of praise to my Father... songs of life experiences, songs of worship, songs of thankfulness... songs I have written, and songs others have written.

I want to work on video game productions: coming up with stories, with character ideas, and maybe even composing the musical soundtrack to such things. I know that video games have been seen as “entertainment only” but I have played a lot of different games that have made me think in a philosophical way. It is something I enjoy, and it's something I could see myself working on.

I am such a diverse individual just within myself. I have not been able to see myself doing things like singing in church as a job for the rest of my life. I love doing choir, and I love singing in church, but I don't want that to be my sole source of income. I want that to be a volunteer thing that I do when I'm “in town” if I'm part of a traveling band.

I do not regret taking on the Communication Major that I'm partaking in, but at times I wonder if I should have kept the Music Major as well. It's something that has been bothering me for a while now, and I don't know what to do about it.

Maybe I can be a traveling band musician dude, who writes books for youth (fictional or nonfictional), and works as a composer for video game companies?

Just considering.

I'm gonna be praying.

Grace and Peace.

A Simple Prayer

"You know, I want to be angry at You because You haven't given me what I want. Then again, when have I ever known what I really want?"

"I want to ignore You sometimes, but I find I cannot because you are so irresistible."

"You were the only one love with passion's quiet rage."

I'm so tired, and broken, and feeling like I'm lost. Yet I know that You are looking out for me. Your provision has not escaped my attention. Today we talked about the "foolishness of the cross", and I can understand what was being said, but I think what is more foolish in appearance is our love for You. People just don't get it, and I suppose I understand that as well. However, I cannot turn my back on you. Let everyone else think what they think, to hear what they hear, and see what they see. I want to be lost in foolish, dying love. Foolish because I know it makes no sense to do what I do, and dying because that's what love is all about.

I want you to sweep me off my feet. I want to get soaked in the rain, with my hair messed up, and my tears joining in with the beautiful chorus of storms, of suffering. Standing with hopeless abandon, not caring about anything but your words that I hear in the core of my soul: "I'm madly, dangerously, passionately, obsessively in love with you." My heart aches to be near you, but my mind trembles in fear of such a prospect. My soul pushes for you in everything, but my flesh wants to run and hide.

I want to be lost in your scandalous, foolish, dying love.

Even my wife cannot bring the satisfaction my soul longs for. Only you can bring it's sweet relief. Trying to make my identity in my relationships only makes me self-conscious, and I lose sight of you. I am thankful for the blessing you've given me through her, and she does provide something I've always needed. Companionship. But You, only You can be the sustenance of my very being. Of who I am.

Drown me in your love.

Given Some Hope

"I walk up to the door, the rain is pouring over my head, and I look through the window in the door. Before me stands a beautiful woman dressed in white. She is smiling. In her arms there is an infant, which is also dressed in white. The child is staring at me with intense blue with green eyes, and there is recognition behind them. She is my daughter and I am her father. What a beautiful pair they make. The two most beautiful women in the world are standing in my house waiting for my return."

That is what I saw today... and I almost cried. Today has absolutely sucked. I have felt like there was a void pulling at me, begging me to fill it when I had just created it. I had to cut myself off from something that was so important to me, that it became too important. Now, that hole that was created begs to be filled, and it makes me feel empty and alone. Of course, I'm never alone. God gave me this vision to give me hope. I'm excited to see what else He has for me to see, no matter how depressing and cold the vortex may get, I will walk over it and move on.

Besides... it will be filled soon enough with something better, and something God gave me rather than me giving it to myself.

Grace and Peace

Quando Quando Quando

So I've learned that writing out my thoughts is very helpful in me understanding myself. Also, once I have my thoughts semi-composed I blog them out if I find them worthy enough, or am not too lazy to type it out. Tonight is a combination of catharsis and organized thoughts.

As strongly as ever, my desire for companionship seems to seep into my very core. As I've come to say so often, "God has given some the gift of celibacy, but I am not one of them." And it's true, I cannot even begin to describe adequately how I feel about having an intimate relationship with the woman who will be my wife. This desire is far beyond the physical realm, way beyond the desire to be married for sex. No, it is a desire to protect and to love, to serve and to sacrifice, to be God's arms, and words, and an expression of His love, as well as my own. I want to be married, and I truly believe I have found the person that God wants me to marry; but still I am restless, ever so tired of playing this game of waiting. I know I have to wait, because He is preparing me, but this time of preparation is also a time of trying to be agonizingly patient, and knowing that the only way I'm making it this far is by God and not by me.

"Not by power, nor by might, but by my Spirit, says the LORD" And that has become exceptionally true for me this summer. I have always tried to let God move through me, mend me, stretch me, teach me, and to do everything by His power, but this summer has been the most I have ever felt that tension within myself to do it myself, or let God do it. He has had to remind me time and time again that He is Jehovah/Yahweh, the Self-Sustaining One, and that because He sustains Himself, and the entirety of the Universe, that He knows better than I on matters of the Heart. He knows me far better than I could even know myself.

So I'm left with a dilemma. Do I sit and wait for God to do it all, or does He want me to take the steps necessary to get me to that point that I need to be, helping me along the way? I'm sure it may be a combination of the two. I can't just sit around and wait, because that isn't being a steward of what God has given me, of the talents He provides to me. Not to mention the fact that if I wait too long my desire may consume me, and lead me down a path I do not wish to pursue. However, I also know that there is some waiting, and sitting in silence before God just waiting for His Word that will tell which direction I need to go. To, essentially, stand still and look at the spiritual compass and let it point north, and adjust accordingly.

Is it so odd that I look forward to the times of trouble as well as good? It's not that I want to go though the hard times, but rather this knowledge of knowing that as long as I have God, and can stand with this woman it will be a wonderful learning experience once it has passed and knowing that it's those times that we grow closest together, and closest to God.

Is it really so strange that I have such a passion? Surely not, hasn't humanity since the creation of Adam want to do the very things I desire? To have someone that you can face the challenges of life with, and to have at least one person who you can say you know as best as humanly possible? Haven't we... Don't we all have a desire to find someone that we can call our companion, our comrade, our (truly) best friend, our help mate, our "insert significant title"?

*sighs* All that to say, I'm glad God is in control, and I'm not, because He knows better than I could ever understand.

Grace and Peace

Deadly Dreams

So this morning I woke up, spent some time getting ready, etc. You know, the daily routine, and then I come up to my computer and there is a chat box open from one of my friends with a story of a dream she had. I did not have this dream, therefore I do not feel the need to explain it... then again I think I will. But before I do, I just want to point out that she is NOT the first person to tell me about a dream where I die... there was another, last week, who told me the same thing, but with a different dream.

Dream 1:
OK, so apparently my friend was sick, and there were a bunch of guys around and her husband decided to take them out to play some football or something, but I decided to stay with her (for whatever reason). So we talk, and I end up telling her that I'm in love with a mermaid, and how there is this cliff and if I jump off this cliff I will become a merman (odd right, it's going to get weirder) So then, we are at the cliff, the mermaid, myself, and an anonymous 3rd person (maybe my friend, but she isn't sure who it is). I jump off the cliff and into the rocks at the bottom, it pans over to the hospital, and then I'm dead. Apparently the mermaid died too, but the third person survived. (talk about weird dreams hu?)

Dream 2:
I don't remember as much about this one. It isn't as fresh on my mind. But essentially, In this dream, I decided that it would in everyone's best interest to just kill myself (*shrugs*) and so my friends actually decide to help me, except one who protests it, but no one seems to listen. And then I guess I committed suicide or something after that.

I have to admit these dreams are a bit discomforting, but at the same time I know that God could be trying to tell me something. I've had too many dreams with elements like this to really take dreaming lightly, especially if it's from the people who told me these dreams.

What on earth could it be?
Is it spiritual, physical, emotional, the destruction of the self-concept, or self-image?
*shrugs*
I'm sure I'll know soon enough if it's important.

What is your dream?

"We each have a dream, a vision of life that corresponds to our convictions, embodies our uniqueness, and expresses what is life-giving within us. Whether altruistic or ignoble, the dream gives definition to our lives, influences the decisions we make, the steps we take, and the words we speak. Daily we make choices that are either consistent or contrary to our vision. A life of integrity is born of fidelity to the dream."
~Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

Wonderland

So I drove all the way down to Elberta, AL today, w00t me... but that has nothing to do with this post really...

So, Sunday morning, I wake up from yet another interesting dream. Would you like to hear about it? Too bad, I am not sharing this one, however I am going to share one of the things that stuck out to me the most. If you haven't noticed by now, all my dreams have some kind of key phrase that I seem to hone in on (for the most part anyway, there are a few exceptions). Anywho, this phrase took me a while to process it all. "Christians are self-conscious for the sake of others."

Now when I look at this phrase my initial reaction is like, "I don't think we should be self-conscious at all" but I was thinking more along the lines of self-esteem. We shouldn't be so self-conscious that it prevents us from doing the ministry God set out for us, but that is neither here nor there. After thinking on this phrase a while long I have come to the conclusion on how I view this phrase.

We as Christians are called to love and be loved. To be in a community, and know that our theology is really only the beginning to understand a God who is ever greater than we; a Living Word that constantly teaches us new things as we grow closer to obtaining the "shalom" God wants for us. For those reasons we should be self-conscious. We should be conscious of our actions affecting others: How we dress, what we say, our attitudes, our opinions, our use of our talents, everything, it all points toward one thing or the other: Self or Christ. Do we present ourselves in such a way that says "I care"?

I think this could really play in to what Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians (I think) when he talks about eating food served to idols. He doesn't want to be a stumbling block to his brother, so he chooses not to take advantage of that liberty he has to eat those foods. I think in the same way, out of a love for people, we should be willing to mold aspects of ourselves into the things that encourage others towards Christ, rather than inhibit them from Christ. Paul really says it best, "I became all things, to all men, in the hopes that I may reach some with the Gospel." (probably not verbatim, get over it).

There is a lot of "fluff" in this institution known as Christianity and it's buildings we call "church". Christians seem so intent on looking better than they are, but we need to accept the fact that we are only ragamuffins, and that is all we will ever be. That is what makes the Gospel so sweet, so addictive. It reflects the furious love God has for a bunch of broken down, beat up, and burnt out people; and in reaction to that love we follow the commands laid out to us. It IS a Gospel of Grace.

Though we are ragamuffins, that doesn't mean we have to look like slobs. Sure we be authentic about how we feel, but we need to present ourselves in a way that shows we are capable of love. How can you love someone else if you cannot love yourself? If our presentation of self (use of talents, way we dress, speech, etc.) doesn't reflect a love of self, how can we expect others to accept the love we offer, however trivial it may seem?

Perhaps, I am jumping all over a topic that I'm trying to hit; perhaps, I am just rambling on like a loony who just got out of Arkham; or maybe, just freakishly maybe, I am on to something here, and a paradigm shift is on it's way.

I think Kutless said it best:
"Why can't you see, that freedom is sometimes just simply another perspective away.
Who could you be? If your lens was changed for a moment could you still be the same?"

Now I'm off to bed, big day tomorrow. Laters!

Dreams and Houses

So it's time for another odd dream brought to you by me, Austin.... but FIRST, a word from my sponsor, "the Insanity of the Mind"

"This show has been brought to you in part by the letter 'P' and the number '3'. Also, the owner of the black Mclaren F1... you have just been hijacked by a deadly ninja who thinks he is a pirate."

Where was I? OH YEAH! So like I said this dream I had was pretty weird. There we are Jerry, a teenager, and myself. We have been captured by some dude and put on a gold ship; quite the impressive feat if you ask me, and we all are amazed at its ability to float. Well, we are held in this "living room" style of room, it even has it's own bathroom, and then we move on to speak with our "captor". Oddly he looks a lot like Pierce Brosman (007), but I digress... we talk about something for quite a while and then we are returned to the main room. At one point we check out the bathroom; naturally, it's disgusting. I'm pretty sure their was poo in the toilet and on the floor next to the toilet, but "hey, what can you do?" We weren't left with much of an option when it's the only bathroom available.

We find a newspaper which has the title "Sacrificial Sacrifices" across the top in big and bold, the rest is impossible to read from my point of view; however, Jerry goes into this long spiel about something that had to do with sacrifices, pagans, and how it was relative to the now. I didn't really catch all he said, it was directed towards the teen anyway. So I have this need to pee, naturally I don't want to go to that filthy bathroom, but I have no choice. I walk into the bathroom, look at the disgusting scene, and suddenly keel over in pain. I was suddenly screaming from... pain maybe? A burning sensation was certainly consuming my body, and I was being lifted into the air by an unseen force. My reaction was to command it to release me in the name of Jesus. It did, but then another force picked me back up again, and I just kept repeating the name of Jesus over and over again. I woke up saying His name. I have never woken up so confused on what exactly happened, but the image is still lodged in my brain. Pretty weird huh?

ON A COMPLETELY SEPARATE NOTE:
I moved into another house. I am now living with another woman. She is pretty cool, and she made a good dinner. It only took me about an hour and a half to pack everything and another hour to unload into my new abode. She even has kitties!!! I used to live in Tennessee but now I live in Kentucky, of course, I never left the city of Clarksville... not really anyway. So, needless to say (but I'll say it anyway ^_^) Today has been very chaotic, and well I have felt a bit frazzled lately so this was "icing on the cake". However, I think that God will use this to grow me as an individual, and provide for her as she prayed for.

Did I mention the woman is in her 60s? Haha!!! You thought I had moved in with a woman that was my age didn't you?! *laughs at you* I tricked you, I tricked you! *giggles*

Anyways, that's it for now. Later!

Dreams, Prophecies, and 20/20 Vision

So this weekend has been by far a much better weekend, than the last. It has a stark contrast of Dark and Light, Death and Life, which I find fascinating. Prayer this morning has been good, and God had to practically push me out of bed, but I'm glad I got up for it. So, the title states this post is about three things, but not in that order.

20/20 Vision:
I'm ever thankful for my parents paying for my eye surgery. I had to go home this weekend to get my eyes rechecked; the doctor told me I still had 20/20... w00t! This was also a great time to spend a lunch time with my family (and get BBQ sauce in my eye), as well as, Titina and Cristina Requena, who had both told me they wanted to talk to be about something. So what better way than face to face?

Dreams:
The Sunday night when I was home I had a very odd dream. I don't know if it means anything, but I'm going to post it anyway because I still remember it two days later. Naturally, the details will be fuzzy like vaseline on a camera lens, but you'll get the basics. So essentially the majority of the dream consists of running, or fleeing in this case, from... something. I want to say that we called them zombies, haha, but they weren't your every day, can't think zombies, they were real people who could be anywhere at any moment, so you couldn't trust anyone. I'm pretty sure that zombies was just the name of choice we gave them. And the entire dream was peculiar. There was one point where I had to go to Wal-mart with one other person (Tessa, of all people, oddly enough), and the premise of us going was to get supplies for our "group" that we were going to meet up with later. Now here is the fun part. Time stopped completely while I was in Wal-mart. People were there, but not moving. I didn't have to sneak in like I had planned; I went to the places I needed, retrieved the items, and headed back to the car.

As I was heading out I saw something that caught my attention, and so I started to go retrieve that as well (fuzzy area) but as I reached down to obtain the item, time resumed, and I had to run. I sprinted to the car, got in, Tessa wondering where I had been all this time, and I looked at her confused. For whatever reason, I had been gone for 5 hours, and I guess the natural assumption to go along with that is the "group" that I was supposed to meet up with had moved on. So, I text messaged Erik (yes, you Pasco!) asking where he was going, and how to get home (or something like that). His reply was really weird. It was something along the lines of "Home is .... (can't remember), and you can't come." I am not entirely sure what that meant, but for whatever reason I knew where to go, I think. I am almost positive that it was a code for the location, and I had to wait for someone to escort me.

Moving along... I arrived in a very rocky area. The scenes kinda spanned to it, I don't know how I got there from where I was. It reminds me of the verse that speaks about fleeing to the mountains in Revelation, now that I think about it. But that is where the dream pretty much ends. There are some conversations, and some hiking, and that's about it. And my knowledge of the time was that I was in "The End Times", but I don't know if that really means anything. When I woke up I was thoroughly confused.

Prophecy:
The next morning, I go to talk to Titina before I go to the eye doctor. We begin to talk about this and that, and then she tells me about a prophecy that was told to one of our friends, Glenda. Which basically states that if the church doesn't wake up and start interceding for the people of America, and start to reach out, then 9/11 was going to look like a paper cut compared to what is to come. I realize I probably risk looking like I know something I shouldn't but I have to state it. If you don't believe prophecy really exists, then ignore me, but I do believe it exists, and is very real and active even today. God's wrath is going to hit America if we don't wake up, and He is going to start with the church. The country has been under our watch, and we are going to be held accountable for what we did, and didn't do.

I guess this post has been a bit bizarre, but oh well, get over it. It's my blog, not yours. *sticks out tongue* :p

OH! before I forget, although God told me not to talk about the details. I had a really AWESOME prayer experience driving home last night. That is all. Kbye!

I Had A Dream Last Night...

...It was really interesting. I dreamed that I was at a place, a school of some kind. It didn't look like Toccoa, but there were a lot of people there that I knew from Toccoa (Unfortunately I can't remember any specifics on this section. Only that there were people I recognized in the dream). And the weirdest thing about this is that my girlfriend was a student here as well. That's what made it weird, and I didn't know how to react to it. In the dream I was excited because I was preparing to go out on a date with her, and so I come up to her dorm room door and knock. Her roommate answers (her face is obscured so I don't know who she is, or what she looks like, and yes I know knocking on her dorm door is a peculiar thing) and I ask if Lety is around. She tells me no, and I ask where she is. Just as I ask that I turn to my left to see that Lety was walking towards me. At that moment I felt a surge of overwhelming joy and I gave her a hug, twirled her around while hugging her, and then kissed her. We talked for a few moments then the dream ends.

I find myself in another one directly after that. This one is a bit different, but Lety is still with me, except this time Bobbi and Dustin are sitting across from us (and there are two other random people on the inside of this booth at whatever restaurant we are at. Not sure who they were, I guess friends of ours or something). So this is when I'm really confused, because I don't know how I got here, but I shrug and introduce Bobbi to Lety and Dustin. The funny thing is I remember what I called Bobbi haha, it was like "And this is Bobbi, Dustin's girlfriend... fiance, I mean." Then realized that Dustin was married by then and before I could correct myself Dustin chided in, "my wife." I blush and we continue talking about something. The dream ended there because I woke up after that.

It really was a weird dream, and I figured I would forget about it after a day of doing other things, but nope, it's still there, so I figured I would post on it. What do you peeps thing? It could be a vision of what's to come, it could represent something special or important, or it could be absolutely nothing. *shrugs* Oh well... makes for a good story if nothing else. tootles!