An Open Letter to the Church

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(This post was copied from my wordpress blog)

I've been mulling over my thoughts and feelings for the past few days now and I think I'm finally ready to express what has become a very serious concern for me. So, I present this very open letter to anyone who claims to be a believer in Christ, and more specifically, to the church as an institution.

With everything that has been going on lately, I've really had to re-examine myself and my actions. Consequently, this also led to my observations of the church as a whole. This is where my struggle begins.

We have failed our mandate.

I am grieved by the state of the church today. I weep whenever I see hate, sorrow, anxiety, impatience, harshness, hypocrisy, and pride take priority within the church. We unabashedly spew injustice, legalism, and dogma to those we were called to love and then wonder why church attendance is so low.

How easily we have forgotten that the very core of our story, the Gospel, only begins with the sacrifice Jesus made for us. It continues with his life, his teachings and his examples. He exemplified the very virtues that we should try to uphold every single day: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

He condemned no one, but offered his loving embrace and Truth to anyone who was willing to listen. He had compassion.

Yet, time and time again I watch in horror as those who are supposed to be the embodiment of all this good fall into the exact opposite. How little we cried out against the wrongs of our history, but how quickly we were to point accusatory fingers at others for their wrongs.

We sat idly by as organizations like Westboro Baptist Church openly harassed members of the LGBTQ+ community, and even showed our solidarity with them during events like "Chik-fil-a Day" (Remember that day in 2012?). Or, how about those times we made Kaepernick's peaceful protest about #blacklivesmatter, about him "disrespecting the flag". We ignore the fact (or at least, pretend it's not as bad as it seems), that people are abused and rejected by the church because of some imagined or real sin. If a person makes us uncomfortable, we shut them out.

I have never been more ashamed of my association with the word Christian as I am today. If you happen to be reading this and have been hurt by a "Christian" in any sense of the word then I apologize from the bottom of my heart. The hurt and pain and judgment that has been shown to you is not what Jesus taught and it is appalling that you had (maybe even continue) to experience that. I hope that you can find it in your heart to one day forgive us.

This has to stop.

The strongest evidence that we have failed our neighbor is being evidenced right now by the state of our country. We have allowed racism and politics to pervade our sanctuaries; something that should have never even been tolerated outside of the church, much less in. You want revival to happen in America? Stop judging and start loving. Look at yourself: truly, openly, honestly, and focus on the things that you need to work on and just love those around you.

If we are going to teach and preach that all people are worthy in God's sight, then it's time we actually lived like we mean it.

When asked, Jesus said that the greatest commandments were to love God with all your heart, soul, and mind. In the same sentence he also added, love your neighbor as yourself. There was no caveat, no addendum, no exceptions. Love God, Love People.

We have not been loving our neighbor, and by extension we have not been loving God.

This is my call to action. This is my desperate plea.

Be better.

No longer tolerate injustice. No longer be enslaved to politics. No longer be bogged down by the dogma. No longer let there be a barrier between you and the people you were called to love.

Let us all strive to be more like Jesus. Right now we are so far from it.

In a lot of ways, I feel that we are guilty of far worse than the police officers who have shown just how brutal they can be. At least we know where they stand.

No, we just pretend like nothing is wrong as we savagely rip apart the souls of the downtrodden, the hopeless, and the weary. Instead of being a refuge, we have become a snake pit.

If Jesus were to give his speech to the Pharisees today, it would be aimed at us. I honestly think we would be the ones to be driven out of the temple with the whip. There is no place in God's kingdom for what the church has become.

Doesn't that make you weep?

You can try to justify, or argue. You can write me off completely. But I think deep down we all know the truth.

We must be better.

Grace and Peace.

Paradox Complex: Good but Bad?

Christianity is full of paradoxes.  Everything that is taught seems to go against what comes natural to us.  We are told to go against the stream and be different, but so many (including myself) fall so short so often.  One of the paradoxes I wanted to touch on today was one of Humans being good, but also being bad (sinful, evil, etc.)

I think there is a common misconception that permeates around Christian culture like a plague.  People feel worthless and vile like they are worst people that have ever existed.  They can often be self-defeating and too self-demanding and I suspect a lot of it stems from what we are taught in churches more often than not nowadays.  I’m sure you’ve all heard it before.

“We are born with no goodness in us!”  “We deserve God’s wrath.” “There isn’t a day that goes by that we aren’t sinning against God somehow.”

While I won’t argue that these statements are false, I think we forget sometimes that God does not create bad things.  So we find ourselves being beaten over the head with our failures by our own selves and perceive our pastors, and other church members to be doing the same.  But we are so much more than the sum of our faults.

When God created the known universe he looked at it and saw that it was good (see the first two chapters of Genesis).  He saw it, and said it himself, “this is good.”  He created a beautiful masterpiece of art that continues to shift and change and shine to this day.

Because Humanity is good.

People are beautiful, the ability to reason, to create, and to renew is astounding.  Relationships are messy but wonderful, community is inspiring (when it’s done right).  Intimacy is vulnerable but so satisfying. 

Humanity is good, just like the rest of creation.

But then the first sin happened, and the whole world was turned upside down because of it.

Humans didn’t stop being good, but the conditions of their souls became one of death and sin.  We became “bad”.  People started to become jealous of one another, they murdered in cold blood, they proved unfaithful time and time again to their own friends and family and they turned away from the very being who created them.

I think we can all admit that we have problems.  Many people refuse to admit their problems, ignore them, or are unaware of them, but at the end of the day we all know we are a screwed up race.  People will say “I’m a pretty good person,” but really they are just comparing one small aspect of their life to someone else’s and judging subjectively if they do it better.

There is a little evil in all of us, but luckily most people know how to reign it in and keep it in check (for the most part, after all, no one is perfect right?)  But despite all of the flaws and scars and wounds that we cover up, people are still beautiful.  Granted that beauty is only a fraction of what it could be, but beautiful nonetheless.

There are still mothers who care deeply for their children, lovers who give up everything for each other, scholars and poets who reason and create and encourage that of others, and musicians who form emotions and convey a message not only in lyrics but also in the sounds produced from their instruments.  There are moments of just pure good that still exist in this world; creation hasn’t become bad, just because we have tainted it with our fingerprints.

Humanity is good, our souls are in bad shape and need help.

Two cents for the day.

Grace and Peace

Sinner's Prayer and a small Ramble

I’ve always been fascinated with the construct of the sinner’s prayer.  Initially, it was because I thought it was this magical phrase that somehow convinced a supernatural deity to inhabit my physical heart and save me from the evil powers that I had yet to understand.  But, I got older and began to understand that it wasn’t the words that I said, but how I meant them, and even now I find that my understanding of what the “Sinner’s Prayer” really is.

For those who aren’t familiar with the terminology; in the Christian culture there is this moment when those who wish to join the faith will be led through a series of sentences that culminate in a prayer that usually follows along the lines of acknowledging guilt, believing in Jesus, and confessing the guilt to him, followed by this request that the individual may not really mean at the time which is for Jesus to come into their lives and become their Lord and Savior.  Many people believe that if they say this prayer, then they are saved from the reaches of Hell.

The problem is, many times, they are wrong.

Now let me go ahead and say that I don’t personally have anything against a “Sinner’s Prayer”, and I know many Christians who have had their lives changed since they said the prayer themselves.  However, I would argue that for them it was actually more about their heart condition and not about the words coming out of their mouth.

The sinner’s prayer is not some type of magical formula that you can chant as a mantra over and over again thinking it will buy you a ticket into paradise.  There is no way in this world for a human to be able to physically do anything to earn the salvation they earnestly seek (if you seek it at all).  There is no ministry that can be done enough, no amount of money donated to charities, no amount of praying that can ensure salvation.  To believe that we can enchant a deity with our meager attempts in this short life is laughable at best.

In fact, during the morning service this past week, our youth pastor (who was preaching at the time) put it this way (paraphrased): “Praying a sinner’s prayer thinking it will somehow magically make you good with God even when your life says the opposite… might as well be witchcraft.”

That’s just it though.  I have met so many people, heard so many stories, of individuals who find themselves in this position of believing they are Christians because of a prayer that they said, or acts of service that they do, and how they consider themselves good people (and many of these people I would consider being “good” as well), but never really surrendered the control of their lives over to God.

I know that there are a lot of people out there who would look at that statement and completely shut me off right there.  Everyone has their different reasons, some refuse to think critically, some would believe to think the way I do is to intellectually murder myself, and some just don’t care.

To the ones who feel it is intellectual murder I pose this question:  Why would it be impossible to think critically and still come to the same conclusions?  Over the years so many people have looked at the same evidence and come to vastly different conclusions, so why can’t both be critical thinkers (note that at this point I’m not saying that both have come to a conclusion that is true, but rather have come to a conclusion by using their intellect)?

There are plenty of Christians who have critically thought their way into atheism, and there are plenty of atheists who have critically thought their way into Christianity.  I don’t think one gave up their intellect just because they concluded that the other must be true.  But it seems I’ve gone off on a bit of a bunny trail.

The point I was trying to make is that the Gospel, and consequentially Christianity, is so much deeper than just saying a prayer, or following a list of rules.  It is about reaching out to people in love, to better their lives by introducing them to Jesus.  I know that he has changed me forever, and I know that even when I am struck by fear or by a hard time in my life that I can lean on a being that far exceeds my limitations.  If that makes me weak then so be it.  I would rather be weak and surrounded by a God and people who will support and help me, than to be strong and be alone.

I am not writing these words to try to convince you, my reader, that Christ is the only way to really live.  I am of the opinion that it is impossible to change others; the only person I can ever change is myself.  But I do find it important to occasionally share where I stand, and to do so confidently.  If I cannot be confident on the things I hold closes to my heart, then I would have to question whether or not they are what I really believe.

More rambling on a Wednesday.  Happy Hump Day!

Grace and Peace

Life, God, and the Little Things - Part 2

Let’s fast forward a few months.  The nutshell of the months between January – April were essentially a monotonous routine.  Get up, go to work, come home.  Get up, go to church, come home.  All the while, my wife (rightfully so) continuously brought up the desire for children and my consent to try.  There were days when my responses could have been kinder.  But, she is a strong and forgiving woman.   I am so honored to have her as my wife.

My only solace was in my weekends when I could use my writing or games to escape my reality.  I had resigned to my imprisonment.  I think the phrase, “creep along,” would adequately describe my progression to anything.  Every day it was the same old thing.  I was getting further and further behind on my payments for loans until I reached the point that I couldn’t pay them anymore.  My car had broken down with Sam and I working conflicting schedules (we ended up having to borrow a church member’s vehicle).  Funnily enough, I did get it fixed and it broke down on our way up to Ohio two months later.  That’s another story though.

In April, things were beginning to look better.  My old position at work had opened up and the CEO gave me a call and invited me back.  This was the beginning of resolution to a lot of my issues.  While where I was working at the time had a lot of room for potential growth, there was no growth happening and so I ended up jumping on the offer and gradually worked my way into the customer service position that I am part of today.  During this time I also had a friend move in as a house mate until he could find a job in the Birmingham area.  He’s currently still looking.

Within all that chaos of life, I still found myself completely dead to anything related to religion or Christianity.  I was numb.  I didn’t feel anything, even when playing music where I normally would feel alive.  I felt dead to the world.

At this time I was also dealing with an incredible fear.  One that some of you will relate to, and some may think is utterly ridiculous; a fear of death.  A fear, so intense at times, that I was just shy of a full on panic attack or mental breakdown.  Every night the thought would cross my mind and I felt myself feeling sick.  It was a crippling fear.  And on top of that I was afraid to reveal this fear to others.  I was irrationally afraid that people would look down on me in some way, like I was weak or stupid for having such a fear.

That is until I just sort of blurted it out on the trip coming back from Ohio and no one flinched (except me, in expectation of worse).  Since then the fear has subsided, for the most part.  Occasionally it still haunts me, but every time it is significantly less. 

Which is crazy right?  If I am a Christian, shouldn’t I have no fear of death because of the promise of “eternal life”? 

Maybe, but I think if we are all a little more honest with ourselves, we all go through a point where we deal with it.  I think a more accurate metaphor might be that we are all on a plane ride that we know is going to crash at some point.  We don’t when or where, but we do know one thing.  We have a parachute we can use when that happens, and we cling to it so tightly that our knuckles turn white.  Because we know that while it is still going to be a terrifying experience, it is our salvation from a gruesome death.

And I guess that really sums up what I’m driving at with these posts.  An explanation to what I’ve been working through and why I identify myself as Christian.

The thing is, science is great.  It has taught the human race so many things, and I think it’s great for understanding the physical world around us.  It gives us the facts, the logic, the reason.  And generally, it is unbiased in its conclusions.  That is its purpose.

But

I think we forget how important the heart is too.  In our society, Logic and Reason have become the masters.  It’s about the numbers, the facts, the hard tangible evidence.  But it is only one half of the coin.  Our intuition, instincts, and perceptions are just as valid and important.  That gut feeling when you know something is wrong and you turn out to be right.  There was no logical connection but the connection was there nonetheless.  I’m not even talking about our emotions, though they play a role.  The heart plays a role in understanding anything.

Example:  World War II

Factually, we know that it involved most of the countries in the world dividing into two alliances.  We know that roughly 75 million people lost their lives in that war for various reasons directly connected to it.  We know that Hitler was a key figure. But that doesn’t explain what it felt like to experience it.  It’s just the head knowledge.

A gentleman tells you about D-Day.  He explains his fear, the adrenaline rush he feels, the chaos, the horrors.  He explains everything with great detail on the experience.  And you can relate, because you’ve felt shadows of those emotions.  It is a story that connects with your heart.  It’s the heart knowledge.

On their own, the two are good, but when you put them together you get a much more holistic understanding of the event that was World War II.

Simple, I know, but I think it conveys what I’m trying to say well enough.

It is with this heart and head combo that I try to make every decision.  Because sometimes it is better to have mercy, and other times it is better to show none.  Because not everything can be seen with the naked eye, and sometimes you have to read between the lines.

In that pursuit, at this time I’ve concluded God must exist.  Others will conclude that he doesn’t and they are allowed to believe that just as I am entitled to my own beliefs.  But since this is my blog, you are getting my perspective.  Because sometimes it really is the little things that can bring about a whole new understanding.

In this past year, though, I have seen too much to suggest otherwise.  The impeccable timing, the peace when there should be none, among other things.

As a conclusion, I think C.S. Lewis wrote it best when he wrote The Silver Chair:

“One word, Ma'am," he said, coming back from the fire; limping, because of the pain. "One word. All you've been saying is quite right, I shouldn't wonder. I'm a chap who always liked to know the worst and then put the best face I can on it. So I won't deny any of what you said. But there's one more thing to be said, even so. 

Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things-trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia. 

So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we're leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that's a small loss if the world's as dull a place as you say.”
 

― C.S. Lewis, The Silver Chair

Grace and Peace

Life, God and the Little Things - Part 1

I've been meaning to do this for a while, but every time I think about sitting down to write things just get in my way.  Or I get distracted (which isn't very hard to do these days).

The past few weeks I've been really working through a lot of different questions.  Many of them centered around my beliefs and the why's behind them.  It has been a very painful, but revealing process and I think I will be the better for it when all is said and done.  There were times when I had questions without answers that indicated a point of view I had not previously considered; and there were times when something else would come up (a discovery here, an off-handed comment there, etc.) that would swing the pendulum back in the opposite direction.

I was on some type of subconscious train ride that felt like at an moment would go off track and end in disaster.

And now there is silence.  Silence in the best possible way.

It is the kind of silence you want when you are alone in the woods, or in your room, or sitting on a random park bench by yourself.  That peaceful, restful silence.  It feels like a weight has been lifted off my heart, and I begin to understand how to breath again.

All of this really started back when a friend of mine decided that he wasn't going to be a Christian anymore.  I guess it was about 10 months ago.

The news was sudden and came without warning.  I felt like I had been punched in the gut, or like I was hit by a train.  And, I didn't know it at the time, but I felt betrayed.  I had great respect for this friend (still do), spent several nights seeking his counsel in college, and always felt a type of connection that I had never felt with any of my previous acquaintances or friends.  His intellect and ability to look at things in an unbiased way was inspiring.  And, perhaps, because of these things, I had elevated him in my mind.  It only makes sense for it to hurt.

It was awkward to talk to him.  I felt like I had lost a part of myself when he chose to be an atheist.  However, we are still friends, thankfully.   While I disagree with more than I have in the past I respect his ability to make the decisions he made because I know it was not an easy journey for him.

It still isn't I suppose.

Regardless, that singular event sent me careening down a path I did not expect to take.  I did not even realize I was on this path until much later.

My path began with just trying to understand the why.  Whenever something happens, specifically significant things that affect me negatively, that is the first question that comes to my mind.  Why?

I explored this question with my friend, with my wife, and even when I was by myself.  Just short of screaming the question at the dead walls.  I never got an answer that satisfied that question.  It burned in me and spurred me onward.

I became a recluse to this friend.  I didn't want to lose his friendship, but I was having a hard time emotionally coping with it all.  So our conversations were short and shallow.  Truthfully, sometimes, they still are but the progress of healing is there and I'm sure one day I'll be able to talk to him once again like I used to.

In the background to all the mental and spiritual exploration there were a lot of things working their way into my physical life.  In October I had lost my job.  The first real job that I had ever truly enjoyed.  And with that job loss, went any progress I had made to getting all of my bills taken care of (including student loans which had been kicking my butt for almost 2 years at this point).  So, I feel like it was safe to say that I felt like I got kicked in the gut again.

It was just one thing after another.

Yet, I was happy for the most part.  I had an adoring wife, friends, and a great and supportive family.

At the same time, however, there was this underlying implication to "man-up" or "get over it".  Never spoken directly, just hovered implicitly at every encounter.

I felt like I was at war, mostly with myself, and I was losing.  By the end of the year I felt trapped and beaten.  I had slumped into a kind of depression that I am just now realizing I had.

More thoughts to come.  

Grace and Peace

 

Plight of a Man

I have been working through a lot of stuff lately.  As if my mind has decided that this week was the optimum time to make me question everything again.  What is the purpose of life?  The point of my life?  What does it mean to live?  What does it mean to die?  What comes after death?  What about all the in between stuff, is any of it really worth it?

These thoughts keep me up at night.  These thoughts haunt me throughout the day like a cloud shadows a mountain before the storm ravages its surface.

These things do not depress me.  If anything, the emotions I feel in association with the thoughts that flood my mind are confusion, maybe even frustration.  Perhaps even rage.  An anger so deep that it cools the veins rather than ignites the fire that is passion.

Maybe that is what it is.  I am mad.

I am mad that so much injustice still exists in this world.

I am mad that I feel so helpless.

I am mad that I don't have the answers to the questions people ask every day.  Both the explicit and the implicit.

I am mad that I do not feel about things the way people say I should.

I am mad that I cannot seem to change myself no how much I try.

I am just mad.

Yet, I don't feel mad.  

I don't feel much of anything at all lately.

Sure there are the emotions I experience, the senses that are caressed by wind and light, song and dance, like the gentle touch of a lover's whisper.  I am conscious of them, notice their touch but still feel disconnected in some way.  Disconnected even from my own inhibitions.

I get tired of the need for social courtesies.  Why can't we just say what we mean?  I guess I'm mad about that too.

Hypocrisy, false accusations, debates, "he said, she said", does it ever end?

Of course, the way I'm writing this you would think that something horrible is going on in my life.  Quite the contrary, I couldn't ask for a better time!  I have nothing to complain about and still my mind races.  Still it follows these paths that lead to only God knows where and I'm just pulled along for the ride.

Honestly, I'm not even sure why my mind goes through these cycles.  I always come back to the same conclusions.  I look at the same evidence, the same topics, the same everything as everyone else; yet, my conclusions never shift.  They may expand, but they don't change.

Maybe my anger is just a mask of my fear.  

They say people have either a fight or flight instinct.  I think I'm beginning to see that mine is a fight.  Not only will I fight but I will put everything I am into that fight until only one thing remains.  That thing becomes the victor standing upon the pile of its fallen prey.

I realized the other day that I have no response to Atheism.  None.  I've researched it, I talk with them, and I hear other people's answers, but none of it sits well.  None of it seems quite right.  I'm watching people I love go down a path I feel is the wrong one, that my sense scream against and restrict me from pursuing them.  And I have no response to that?

I feel a little like a child waiting at the end of a long dark hallway.  Afraid to step into the darkness, I desperately hope and even beg that the friend I was following will come back out safe.

I can feel the shift taking place inside of me and I cannot decide if the outcome will be good or bad.  For better or worse though, I do not think I will come out unscathed.  Maybe it is time to walk through the darkness for a while.  How can one who lives in the light understand the darkness if he never experiences it?  After all God created both the Light and the Dark and uses both for his purposes.  Maybe it's time to see the dark side of the moon.

With excitement I end this post.  I feel as if I'm about to embark on a much needed voyage.  Who knows?  Maybe like Caspian I will encounter adventures that forged my heart through trials and storms into the man I need to be.

After all, no good story lacks obstacles to overcome, sacrifices to be made, and battles to be won.  And I think, this is one battle I can avoid no longer.

No more standing idly by, the warrior takes up his sword and shield and turns to face his enemy.  Who's next he wonders.

Grace and Peace.

[EDIT: Two things.  I realize that this post probably makes little to no sense to anyone.  To that my response is: It's late at night and I'm half awake.  Clarification may come later (given my track record though....)

secondly, this is not me saying I don't believe in God or that I'm pursuing Atheism (as I'm sure my post might have insinuated).  I am merely using the term darkness as a metaphor for something that is beyond my understanding at this time.  Mystery, change, the unknown in general.  

As always, if you have any questions feel free to comment or speak with me directly.]