Paradox

I am no genius, but I am smart.

I am no Superman, but I am not weak.

I am never alone, but I am often by myself.

People don't get me, but I am understood.

I can do nothing, but I'm not helpless.

My life is a paradox.

Such is the Christian life, no? We live in an upside-down reality. Where the world says success comes from getting all the wealth you can; Christ said to give it all away. Where the world says love is all about the feeling; Christ pointed out that it was all about choice. Where the world says that the life is all about the individual; Christ said that it was all about the many. To love God first, and then to love others.

Christianity is very much a paradox to life, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Meaningful out of the Meaningless

If there is one thing I miss more than anything else at the moment, it would have to be the meaningful conversations I used to have with my friends while at college, or even in high school. I cannot remember the last time I spent an hour or more just sitting and talking about life, love, God, or any other topic concerning humanity. I deeply, truly miss it. It might have been those types of conversations that led to some of the biggest changes and shifts in my perceptions of said topics. Maybe, it is simply because I am impressionable, or because the discussions I had were with friends that at times I wanted to be like; whatever the case, I know that I am different from who I was because of conversations like that.

I don't really have meaningful conversations anymore. Sometimes, my wife and I will talk about something with significance, but that usually occurs because we need to resolve an issue, or it is concerns an aspect of the story I've been working on. Otherwise, I don't really have friends here who I can talk to about absolutely nothing, and everything at the same time.

However, I can't say that meaningful conversations are the only thing I miss. I also miss the feeling that I'm doing something meaningful with my life. I look at my life and ask questions like: “What am I doing that can impact another in a positive way?” or, “How am I doing anything significant where I am at now?” But the truth is, I just never learned to fully appreciate how even a friendly smile can be meaningful for someone else. It seems that I have fallen into a trap that I never wanted to be in. I think that I had subconsciously come to the belief that only when I was in ministry that I was doing something significant. This is a mindset that makes me blanch, and one that I have fought against for about as long as I've been able to understand the negative aspects of the mindset.

The truth is, there are thousands of Christians who, every day, put meaning in the work that they do. Every day they go to work and share the Master's way through their words, their attitudes, and their lifestyle, and here I am feeling so insignificant because there is no grandiose title that says “look at me, I'm doing good stuff for God!” What a way to start an ego trip. I'm actually glad that I'm not working for a church at the moment. It has been very good for me.

I am working on fully understanding what it means to find significance in what I do. Let's be honest here, working in retail doesn't really change the world; however, on the bright side, all the people you interact with and leave a good impression with can lead to a life that is changed one day at a time. So, although I'm not where I want to be, I know I am where I need to be. I am thankful for the moments like this when God makes me realize something that I didn't even realize I had done. He is everything meaningful in all the “meaningless” times I experience, and I know that one day I will be given the opportunity to have a plethora of meaningful conversations again, and I know that every day is a chance to do something meaningful, if only for one person. It is something worth pursuing, even if only one individual is impacted.

Just some thoughts.

Grace and Peace.

Updates 101

So, I haven't really written in this blog in a while, and I figured it was about time I did so.

Life has definitely been full of ups and downs, lefts and rights, and even some diagonals. While I have had quite a few good things happen to me in the past few months, the reality is that growing up has not gotten any easier, and it still sucks.

Lately, my wife and I have been having trouble with the people she got a school loan with. They call endlessly, are generally uninformed of the things we have done to correct problems or make up payments that we are behind, and do not do what they say they will do. So, despite doing our best to take care of the loan payments, they are not making it easy, and it is hurting our pocket book quite a bit. Of course, this would not be such an issue if I did not have to make payments to my school, or try to find ways to rent an apartment and finally get out of my in-laws house.

Don't get me wrong, I am completely grateful to my in-laws for housing us, but I want to get out. I feel a little trapped within the walls of the house, and I'm constantly on my toes. I need a place for my own, and I don't want to burden them any more than I already have been (though, they would never admit that).

I am grateful for having a job, but truthfully I don't have the hours or pay I need to satisfy the greedy loans. I'm hoping that I will actually have some type of return for taxes, even if it is small. Still, a small paycheck is better than no paycheck. And I can't really say that everything is awful, because it's not. I still have a roof over my head, I still have family who loves and cares for me, I still have friends who actually like to talk to me, and God is still providing for me in ways that blow my mind, including financially.

So, all that to say, "Hi, I'm still alive." Things really aren't all that bad, it just feels overbearing at times.

Grace and Peace