Thursday, January 31, 2008

Deadly Dreams

So this morning I woke up, spent some time getting ready, etc. You know, the daily routine, and then I come up to my computer and there is a chat box open from one of my friends with a story of a dream she had. I did not have this dream, therefore I do not feel the need to explain it... then again I think I will. But before I do, I just want to point out that she is NOT the first person to tell me about a dream where I die... there was another, last week, who told me the same thing, but with a different dream.

Dream 1:
OK, so apparently my friend was sick, and there were a bunch of guys around and her husband decided to take them out to play some football or something, but I decided to stay with her (for whatever reason). So we talk, and I end up telling her that I'm in love with a mermaid, and how there is this cliff and if I jump off this cliff I will become a merman (odd right, it's going to get weirder) So then, we are at the cliff, the mermaid, myself, and an anonymous 3rd person (maybe my friend, but she isn't sure who it is). I jump off the cliff and into the rocks at the bottom, it pans over to the hospital, and then I'm dead. Apparently the mermaid died too, but the third person survived. (talk about weird dreams hu?)

Dream 2:
I don't remember as much about this one. It isn't as fresh on my mind. But essentially, In this dream, I decided that it would in everyone's best interest to just kill myself (*shrugs*) and so my friends actually decide to help me, except one who protests it, but no one seems to listen. And then I guess I committed suicide or something after that.

I have to admit these dreams are a bit discomforting, but at the same time I know that God could be trying to tell me something. I've had too many dreams with elements like this to really take dreaming lightly, especially if it's from the people who told me these dreams.

What on earth could it be?
Is it spiritual, physical, emotional, the destruction of the self-concept, or self-image?
I'm sure I'll know soon enough if it's important.

Saturday, January 26, 2008


I have to say that I'm rather confused on some things lately. I'm going to try to not be vague, but no doubt it will end up being so.

You see... no I guess I should start with my focus for this year. I want to learn more about myself this year. Not only so I can learn how to love myself, and others better, but also so I can be more aware of what "makes me tick" and be more conscious of what is really at the core of my personality. I guess that was a bit redundant *shrugs* (sometimes I'm not best at communicating).

That being said, in just the past week alone I have discovered a few things about myself. One being, that while here I am much more obnoxious than anywhere else. I am so mellow at home people probably wouldn't recognize me except through appearance. So I've begun to see if the real me is merely somewhere in between. I want to point out that this isn't really a matter of identity to me, as much as it is to further that understanding of the identity I have already gained. And that is just one of areas, there is the area in which my word inhibitors don't always work. Meaning I walk around with one foot in my mouth a lot, but that isn't so uncommon. It is still something I want to improve on. I also need to keep improving my sense of humor, and stop being so uber sensitive about everything.

One of the things about me that has got me really confused lately, however, is this feeling of attraction I have a for someone. I am being very cautious with myself concerning this, because I haven't figured out if this is me trying to rebound from the end of a nearing 4 year relationship, or if it's because it is time for me to move on, and I am truly interested in this girl. This is something I have to work out in my head and in my heart. Not only for my sake, but for hers as well. I guess it goes along with the idea that "Any decision you make will effect another." I find this to be true the more I learn about myself, and I hope to continue to learn more about myself as the year goes on. I think that is something God wants to show me this year, and I look forward to learning. A time to be more passive and less aggressive, a time of peace and education.

Perhaps, this year will be the best one thus far.

Monday, January 21, 2008

An Empty Void

I feel a bit confused right now. I can't really explain why, mostly because I do not know the answer. I have always known that Toccoa is an awkward place when it comes to spirituality and the subjects therein, but I feel like something is missing. I feel like there is a void, and I'm not sure why it is.

Perhaps, it is merely trying to get accustomed to the TFC life again, perhaps it is the fact that people change, and I am not the man I once was, or perhaps it is something more. Whatever the reason, it has been bugging me, and it has made it hard to have anything more than an "eh" day.

The more I look at myself the more I wonder, and realize sometimes, exactly how much I hide with my subconscious self-defense. Sometimes it's just trying to bounce back from a joke that really offended me, sometimes it's just me trying to avoid being asked thousands of questions. It really just depends on the situation. I know that I'm usually really oblivious, and I hate that about myself I really do, but sometimes I think being oblivious has helped me in my walk. That being said, I really hate being oblivious to things. It makes it hard to relate to people sometimes, among other things. It's just very frustrating, especially when I am oblivious about myself. Which is why it is scary to begin seeing things about myself. I know they are things I should see, and things that may need to be improved, but scary nonetheless. Asi Sera...

Man this post is kind of scatterbrained... I is tired... I'm going to do something else now.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Bubbly Faces and Chilly Places

So here I am, back at TFC, finally completely unpacked, and all by my lonesome. No roommate has yet to appear. I'm not completely against it, sometimes not having a roommate is a plus, besides, Josiah and Dan will overrun me with their presence so it's all good.

The check-in was a lot shorter than I anticipated, but registering for classes is going to be a major bummer, because I gotta visit an adviser and figure out just what I am going to do. Once again my major has changed. I'm not going to be a music major (though I love music, I just can't see myself doing it professionally). Instead, I have decided to focus on communication. Be an Interpersonal/Public Communication major, and probably a Mass Comm minor (might double it, not sure yet).

I was asked if I would be part of the choir this year, and I just have to wonder if I really want to. I know that it is good, and I enjoy it usually, but... I like not having a thousand things over me, and choir really be quite a load no matter what your focus is.

Hmm... apples. So liek, getting together with Dan and Josiah gave me a huge feeling of nostalgia, but it was good, and I'm glad to be back. I'm sure before the week is over ton of drama will have occurred, but this time around, I'm not going to care as much. Yes, I care about people, but I gotta stop taking the burden on like I'm going to save them, haha. This year, I learn to love myself. I guess I'll update later when I have something to actually update, or something that seems worth blogging.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Broken Wine Glasses

Today has been... different to say the least. It wasn't necessarily bad, but it wasn't great either.

I spent most of the day cleaning today. I couldn't believe how much crap I found, but a lot of it was cool to see as well: old pictures, drawings, poetry, and even personal thoughts on the random occasion. I've really come a long way since being fifteen and even younger. I have so many holes in my memory that it is disturbing. It's as if the years 1-13 are completely nonexistent. It bothers me a little, but I think most of us have that problem, then again, I could be the only odd ball out there who has this problem, and that's OK too, but it just seems weird to me that out of all the things I found today, I couldn't remember about 2/3 of them. Why did I write/draw it? What was I doing at the time? When was this? Nothing fills in, and I'm left with a picture that anyone could have drawn.

On a completely different note, today felt very surreal. I had a friend who seems to be still fighting something of which I can't be speaking of. But it's frustrating, because I almost cry for her everytime it happens. I find myself constantly asking God how much longer she must endure such things, and God always gives me the same answer, "Wait, and you will see".

I hate waiting. Maybe that is why God hasn't allowed TFC to tell me anything about whether or not I'm accepted. I've called, sent e-mails, and have heard from them twice, and both times, they asked the same things, and I told them they already had those parts of the paperwork *sigh* ces't la vie. Whatever happens, it's in God's control. (No gloating, I still don't regret my decision *points*) I know that I am where I am supposed to be at this time, I just hate waiting.

I feel as though I have been pulled into a hurricane, and the only thing I can do is grit my teeth and wait out the storm, until the spinning stops, and I am no longer twirling in the sea of confusion and chaos.

So, I'm pretty sure that Dan should save his posts because they are novel worthy. These past couple of posts I've been reading have really been hitting home, especially the most recent one that I've read. But I guess that could be that he and I go through a lot of the same things in some form or another, around the same time. It's great to have friends like that I think, that way, it's a fight together, rather than separate.

I got nothing else. Tomorrow presents more cleaning, and more questions, and thus another day passes by... welcome doomed 2008... see ya dead 2007