This weekend has been full of surprises, and most of them have direct consequences of choices I made. While I wouldn’t say it has been bad, I definitely wouldn’t say it’s been great either. I have crossed a few thresholds in my life, and as always with those aspects of life, once you cross it, there is no turning back. Things will never be the same for better or worse.
If you will permit the analogy, the ripple in the water has begun to move its way outward.
As a result I find myself constantly distracted by my thoughts. Asking questions in a “what if” fashion. What if ‘x’ and how would I feel if ‘x’ happened?
My answers startle me.
Which is what leads to this posting.
Is it possible that certain changes that need (yes, need) to happen have to result as a consequence that is out of your control? I wonder. As I have gotten older, my ability to jump right into to something has toned down a bit, but there is still an incredibly impulsive part of me. This impulsiveness, naturally, follows the guidelines “shoot first ask questions later”; however, this is not the best way to live and often will get me into trouble. That being said, I think sometimes, no matter how much you think about something, you just have to jump into the potentials feet first and see what happens.
For people who like to know everything, and maintain control through that knowledge (such as myself), this is not ideal at all.
I don’t handle unknown well, especially when it directly involves me.
Example: When/if I ever finish the book I’m working on. I would wager that my submission of manuscript will look something like a range of emotions from excited to submit, to fear of rejection (which is basically inevitable by the way), to a void of emotions while waiting for feedback, to trepidation as I read that response. It is all unknown and sometimes stressful.
In the same breath, not being in control can be incredibly freeing.
I’m not sure where I stand on this spectrum. However, I do know that now that I have crossed these certain points, marks, thresholds, insert your own analogy, I cannot afford to look back thinking how I wish I was back on the other side; what good would it do me anyway?
No I must press on with renewed vigor and compassion.
Of course, that is much easier to say than to do. It will take getting used to, and I’m terrified. I feel like I’m clinging to a rope on a suspension bridge, and the only thing I can do is cross or stay in that state forever.
Jumbled musings of a 25 year old I guess.
Grace and Peace.