Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Hollow 2: The Clarification

It has come to my attention that what I said could be misunderstood, because let's face it, I fail at communicating the heart behind the words many a time. So let's begin with the word hollow

Hollow is probably not the BEST word to choose, but it is the only one I could think of to describe this thing. When I say I feel hollow, I am referring to the fact that even though I don't change the way I talk with God between here and home, it is here that leaves me feeling like there is more to be achieved. Not with my relationship with God specifically, but rather with life as a whole I guess. But even then, that does not seem to adequately fit within the bounds of what I'm really trying to say. It's hard for me to explain my thoughts I suppose.

As far as blaming TFC for this hollow feeling... I don't honestly think that I do blame it. Just because something is here, does not mean that it is the College's fault that it exist. The College in and of itself is a neutral thing, it can neither create good, nor evil. Though the people within it can. I'm not really saying the the feeling is anyone's fault, I'm trying to dive into the question of "Why?" Why do we do the things we do? What is at the core of all the problems I see?

Speaking of which, I would like to point out that I don't only see problems here. I see a ton of potential to be better than we are, and I see very few people tapping into that potential. I see people trying to do as they feel God is leading me, I see people loving others, and I know that God is doing work here, and that He is using the campus. I'm not trying to say it's all dark and dead. I am merely pointing out the things that I am seeing because writing it out is a way to process and perhaps a chance to hear feedback on such processis. For instance, I can tell that people have the potential to love others unconditionally, but I also see that few people act upon that potential and often times come across as if they think the world revolves around them. I've been guilty of this before, and I will be guilty of this in future because I'm human and I screw things up. All I am really saying about this particular aspect is that we as Christians we are called to a higher standard. I'm not trying to point fingers, if anything, I'm pointing at myself.

I would like to point out also, that everything that I type out is aimed at me just as much, if not more, towards the general populace, because these are my thoughts, and I have thought through them as much as I can. Granted, I don't always exhaust every option with my thoughts, but I do tend to understand myself more than other people do. :)

I hope this clears up most if not all of what was discussed.

Monday, February 23, 2009


There is something terribly wrong with this place. Something that has begun to be more real to me every day. It sucks away hope and joy; imitates love, but is not loving, and leaves me unmotivated. At first, I thought that it was just me, but as I interact with people I begin to see it in their eyes and hear it in their words. What is it that causes this place to be hollow?

Not that people are individually hollow, but a lot of people do things in a hollow way. I can't tell if it is because they are blind to it, or because they think that they're at the peak of "Christianity". We are called to so much more than shallow worship at chapel and apathy while participating in a ministry. Yet, that is exactly what I find here and it breaks my heart.

Whatever this thing is, it does a good job at hiding itself behind "good motives". Motives behind why there are things put in place by administration that don't make sense except for the fact that I hope that they are doing what is best for this campus. I'm not talking about rules or attitudes, but it overflows into those areas, into every area of a person's life, even to the point of infecting their relationship with Christ.

Perhaps, it is because people are comfortable; that may be the issue. People have grown comfortable in their superficial Christianity. As before, I'm not saying that people themselves are superficial (that is between them and God), but many of them have fallen into a pattern that scream superficiality (And I'm probably guilty of that too at times).

Then again, It could be even deeper than that...

What causes us to care about a reputation to the point of enforcing inane rules to keep money coming in? What causes us to feel the need to advertise prayer retreats, to condemn those who are not missionaries, and be hypocritical about being an open community? It all feels so hollow, as if we are trying to pull some type of joke, and God is not laughing.

And the strangest thing of all about it to me is that regardless of how close I am to God, and how much I spend time with Him; regardless of what people have impacted me, and what I have learned, I still feel hollow.

There is something definitely dreadfully wrong with this place.

Grace and Peace

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Emotional Hurricane

I don't know if I can find any one word that describes how I feel at the moment.

On one hand I'm really frustrated because I went through a good hour or two of prep for a D&D game and then don't get to actually use that prep because of situations beyond my control. I suppose I should have expected it to happen since I called one of players to ask if he still wanted to play only to find out he was asleep. So, I'm told that I'll be called back after a little bit... that was at about 9:45pm it is now 1:24am... I'm a little frustrated.

On a separate emotion is this one of stress. I'm stressed because I've been interacting with this pastor for a possible position within a church, which rocks; but it takes him several days for him to respond, and as the time goes on, I begin to wonder if we'll ever decide one way or the other. I've been working on trying to get this position for several weeks, and majority of that time span is waiting on his replies. I understand that finding a job can take time, but this is an area of my life that is causing stress. Then there is also the wedding that I'm planning for the summer and that too creates stress because I have no money in which to purchase the things I need to purchase. Which means getting a job is integral to getting married. Add school on top of that, and friends who don't like you at the moment and stress becomes a part of daily life. I honestly don't feel stressed that often but I do know that I am when I stretch and certain portions of my body hurt because I'm so tense.

I've hit what feels like a rough section in my relationship with my fiance as well. It's not that I have any less feelings for her, on the contrary I do not think I could love her more, but I'm at this point where I feel like everything I do hurts her in some way. I understand that this is not true, but it does feel like every day something comes up that I did that upset her, or hurt her in some way and I'm so tired of screwing up in this. I want her to be happy, and yet I feel like I'm the sole cause of her pain at times. All I wanted was for her to not get in trouble with curfew, or go to class so that she does well, or etc. *sigh*

I know I'm not perfect, but I also know I should not have to deal with some of the things I do. I subconsciously take other people's burdens on my shoulders and then let them run me over as I try to offer my hand. It's not my problem and I know this, but I can't help but want to help and so put their weights upon myself. How can I not take the wait without disregarding the people carrying them? I do not get it at all...

Although Life is currently in suck mode, I know that I can make it because of the promises God has made to me. It is because of Him that I can praise Him "In this Storm". Despite all my weakness, all my failures, and even all my "strengths" I can worship Him, interact with Him, and just dwell in Him. For that I'm incredibly thankful, and I've come to realize more and more every day that the only reason I make it through each day is because I have to rely on His strength rather than my own, because when I rely on my own I get burned out, jaded, even more cynical than I already am at times.

Well that's all I got for this post at the moment. It's cathartic use has come to a close.

Grace and Peace.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Incredulity Is A Fun Word

I've come to realize that I have been pretty iritable lately, and that in itself is irritating. I don't think my reasons for being irritated are bad necessarily, but it does affect the way I interact with people, and I know it shows in my body language because I practically where my heart on my sleeve for everyone to see. It's been a weird couple of weeks in that sense, and I can only pray that God will help me with this irritation so that I can love people the way He does and not by any concept of love I might have. Ironically though, it is love that leads to being irritated over what some people are doing. I can see so much potential being wasted because they won't open their eyes.

Some put too much expectations on others without voicing such thoughts, and then let everyone else sit confused when they blow up. Others don't listen to what is being said and in that way assume they know more about the situation they are in then they really do; and still others could be given freedom if only they would ask for it, but they do not want to be free, and that is the most depressing one of all. I know that I don't know everything, and if I am wrong about the situations I observe and hear about then good. I want to be wrong about some things.

So I'm irritated, but I'm also tired. I'm tired of all the inane and hypocritical things that go on here on campus. I'm tired of them trying to force a love for God down our throats, of claiming to be operating in Truth and yet still acting out of some form of legalism rather than out of love. I'm tired of them forcing us to do a "ministry" knowing that when one does it out of obligation it really does the body very little good, or no good at all. I'm tired of rules, inconsistencies, disregard, and assumptions that are made constantly from both the administration and the student body. We will never be unified at this pace. I know that this place can be redeemed, I can almost see it sometimes, but it is not there yet.

Unfortunately, I can't finish the rest of my thoughts at the moment, which means I'll probably forget how to say it throughout the day.

Grace and Peace.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Division Is Death

"A Kingdom divided cannot stand."

If this is true of Satan and his minions, is it not also true for Christ and His followers?

There is a unity that needs to be maintained for a Kingdom to stand, and I believe that the Kingdom of Heaven is no different. Which leaves me the dread that Christianity, as we know it today, could very well collapse (I don't think Christianity itself will ever die because it is under Christ's authority, I merely meant collapse of the concept of Christianity in the US Culture). What I mean by that is the fact that many people have gotten to the point where they will argue with each other over some concept of God and both claim that there sides are the Truth and they even go as far as to do it without love or grace. But doing something like that is not only against God Himself because they are not loving in their discussion, but there is also an attempt to put a limit upon God who, in fact, is a limitless being.

I think that Christians as a whole (of course there are always exceptions) have lost sight of a very important truth or concept that was designed to be within the church. Without it the Church becomes perverted and corrupt; as is evidenced by the crusades, and the events surrounding the Reformation. Other less extreme examples could include the institutionalization of the "Church"; the place where we try to force worship in a 1 to 2 hour period. It's structured and rigid; it does not flow like I believe worship should do. Do not misunderstand, I am not saying that having a church building were people can come and worship as a congregation is a bad thing. It is obviously being used by God, so we must be at least doing something right; however, I think that there is something about it that is missing and I have not discovered what it is yet. I guess ultimately, I could say that the church as we know it today feels like it is more of a shadow of its original purpose.

I'm not perfect, and I will be the first to admit that I don't know everything. However, these are thoughts that have been going through my head since last night after having a good and deep conversation with a friend of mine. I know that there is always more to discover, and as long as I'm seeking Truth, then I know I will consistently find more and more about what is going wrong and what is being done right, and what is in between. The thing about faith... it should always be in flux with the values we follow. Sure some things become concrete, but I think if we ever get to the point where we are not reflecting on our beliefs and values, and we are not challenging them, then I think we are not growing further in our relationship with Christ and we become static.

On a completely separate note, I might have a job. This is much yay; thanks God!

Grace and Peace

Monday, February 9, 2009


There are so many things that I feel like I could say, and yet no words come to mind. Just one emotion after the other.

Is it the atmospheres that I am around, is it my own hormones not knowing which way to go? Is it something more than a physiological or mental construct? I think it might be.

Everyone seems to be hurting lately, and in turn, it hurts me. I want to cry every now and then when I see people walk in and can just tell that there is peace that needs to be received, Freedom needs to be attained, and healing given. But how can I do such things? I cannot, and with that sentiment I know that there is nothing I can do to help, except pray and love. I feel that it is the only thing I know how to do at times. There is nothing wrong with prayer and love, and I've grown to accept it as an action that is helping, but that still doesn't take away the feeling of uselessness when all I want to do is see people happy, and in tune with Truth, with God.

But alas, I can do nothing as I watch people force their perspectives down others' throats, or try to manipulate a situation to keep themselves in control. I can do nothing for people who get nothing but bad events happen to them one after the other, no choose to not be freed and healed of their pain and sorrow. I can do nothing at all, and I suppose in the end that it is really about that very thought.

I can do nothing, because He has to do everything. If He does not do it, then He is not being Himself.

We are nothing, except that He intrinsically defines us as something, and in that sense, we are good. Not morally, but creationally. And that is a happy thought. We have value, because He said we did; what more could a mess like me ask for?

Grace and Peace.