Why is it so hard to give up on the things that I enjoy the most? Now I am not talking about sin, despite the fact that I enjoy sin, it is only for a moment and then I feel terrible. No, I am talking about doing things I enjoy doing, such as, posting on this blog, watching anime, etc. Why is it so hard to give up on things like that? Most of you are probably wondering what I'm babbling about so I guess I can give a bit of info to reveal why I ask a question such as this.
I have this program on my computer called covenant eyes, and it works a lot like xxxchurch.com does, except it is probably a little better and you have to pay for it. Jerry has put this on my computer using the church account... I digress. Covenant Eyes basically watches every website you go to and sends the links to your accountability partner letting them know if you have looked at porn and what not. So everyone knows I enjoy going to Deviant Art to post my poetry, stories, and pictures, as well as reading from friends and such. However, DeviantArt comes up as an "might as well be porn" kind of site. Which makes me sad, because I DON'T look at those kinds of photos, but they are all over the website I guess. And so because I want to keep my honor, I need to stop using DeviantArt. If only for a time, but maybe for the rest of my life. See it's things like that, that makes me go, "DO I HAVE TO?" and I find myself fighting everything in my body to say, "I will do it, so that I do not harm the ministry God has for me." Everything in me wants to say, "screw this program, I'm not looking at porn, therefore no big." But if I look at it carefully I see that I could get fired from any job by looking at DeviantArt because the amount of sexual content that can so easily be found on it. *sigh* It sucks having to deny myself, but I know it's good for me.
So, all that led me to say. Why is it so hard to quit the things I enjoy? I know the answer, but I constantly ask myself that from time to time. Just like when I put my class ring in the offering plate because I felt like God was telling me to do so, again I find myself having the same feeling. It is a fight between my flesh and my spirit. My flesh tells me to keep the ring, keep looking at DeviantArt, keep doing "x" and logically it would make sense to do those things because they aren't sinful things (of course, there are those few exceptions, but I think you get the point). However, my spirit wants to obey God, it wants to do what is right in His sight, it wants to be consumed by the burning fire of God's love, and in turn, light the lives of those around it.
"I do the things I do not want to do, and do not do the things I want to do."
How fitting...
And on a completely different note. Why are the things you want to do so hard at times?
For instance, if you didn't know, I have a financial problem... I can't control myself in spending it a lot of times. This internship is going to be good for me because it will force me to be frugal with my money, but still I find it hard. It's not that I don't WANT to be a good steward, it's just that I don't have any discipline in doing so, and now I am paying the price. My grades, and money are the most prominent example of my lack of discipline. I guess subconsciously I am always looking for an easy way out, though I know those don't exist. At least not if you want everyone to be happy. There are some easy ways out, but they end up hurting someone, so really they aren't the best options. I keep telling myself that I need to "just buckle down and do it." But when push comes to shove I almost always don't do it. I hate that about myself. I want to change it, but many times it feels like a goal that is so far out of reach that I just want to give up on it. I want to get married, but the more I think about my responsibilities I would have, the more I see that there is no way I am prepared to make such a commitment.
I'm such a slob. I have to get better, but I know I can't do it by myself. Sometimes I need people to come beside me and drag me out of my drunken stupor (spiritually, of course) and maybe even give me a nice kick in the face to get me moving again. I have people in my life who are good at it, but still... *shrugs* I don't know. I think I'm just rambling now.
I'm done.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Grace Like Rain Falls Down On Me
So, today... I got my job back. I really didn't expect it to happen but it did. I am very grateful, but I couldn't help but ask why? He had given me a "criteria" that I had to meet in order for him to consider rehiring me, however, I haven't met that criteria and yet I got my job back. God really is good to me... and with this whole situation he reminded me of His grace towards humanity, and me more personally. I'm really glad to have it back, and I pray that I don't screw things up again.
I know that God has a lot in store for me. I don't know anything anymore... I know I'm called to ministry, but maybe it has never looked the way I thought it did. I am trying to decide if I am called to do these music lessons for an outreach... not just do it, but LEAD it, to instigate the entire thing and get things set up. Then I feel like God called me to do children's church for three months and so I'm going to be working with 3,4, and 5 year olds, this should prove to be interesting. And still, I think God is leading me to a point of brokenness, but maybe I am slowly finding myself clinging to the Rock and awaiting the hammer's impact. *shrugs* I don't know anything.... and I know it's OK to not know... if that makes sense.
Anyway.... Life should prove interesting, and things will become a lot different for me as the weeks continue, but it will be good for me. Thank you God for grace. So this is the verse that has stuck out to me recently.
"Son of Man (Austin), I have made YOU a watchman for Israel; So, HEAR the word I speak and give them WARNING from Me."
~Ezekiel 33:7 (Emphasis Added of course)
I know that God has a lot in store for me. I don't know anything anymore... I know I'm called to ministry, but maybe it has never looked the way I thought it did. I am trying to decide if I am called to do these music lessons for an outreach... not just do it, but LEAD it, to instigate the entire thing and get things set up. Then I feel like God called me to do children's church for three months and so I'm going to be working with 3,4, and 5 year olds, this should prove to be interesting. And still, I think God is leading me to a point of brokenness, but maybe I am slowly finding myself clinging to the Rock and awaiting the hammer's impact. *shrugs* I don't know anything.... and I know it's OK to not know... if that makes sense.
Anyway.... Life should prove interesting, and things will become a lot different for me as the weeks continue, but it will be good for me. Thank you God for grace. So this is the verse that has stuck out to me recently.
"Son of Man (Austin), I have made YOU a watchman for Israel; So, HEAR the word I speak and give them WARNING from Me."
~Ezekiel 33:7 (Emphasis Added of course)
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Mosaic
Well, after the big post yesterday about how I feel God is calling me here, I find it surprisingly ironic that I am no longer a paid intern today. More plainly put, I lost my job as an intern because I missed the 6am prayer meeting. It sucks to not have a job, but thankfully Jerry is nice enough to pay for my next month salary and then I get nothing. And, I'm not really mad at all, just very frustrated with myself. I thought I had turned my alarm on after I set it, but apparently I didn't, and therefore did not show up at the church until 8:45, and for this reason I have been fired. Don't miss understand me though, Jerry might be hard on me, but I deserved to get fired... this wasn't the first time that I was late, and I had no excuse.
So I've spent most of this morning and afternoon trying to find job apps. Which seem to be impossible to find since they are all on websites, hidden from the world. I did go to the walmart distribution center and apply there. I hope I can get a job there doing the weekend shift at night. That way I can have the rest of the week to do whatever it is I need to do (like working with Jerry as a voluntary intern). This should prove to be an interesting year. Depending on the answer that I get with this job, I may have to wait to get eye surgery, which is ok, but a bit frustrating that I went through all that stress for nothing. Mom and I decided to go ahead and just get started on the eyes and then... If I'm called into work, I'll just postpone the eye thing until I'm able to do it. I really hope that this doesn't hinder my going to Chile in December. I mean, I haven't seen her since last summer. It would really suck to go a year and a half without seeing her again.
I was told today a really good analogy of how the church is like a mosaic, and how God wants to take just a certain "piece" of each person to fit into the mosaic. I thought that was a really good illustration, especially since I got to see a plate smashed with a hammer, but unfortunately, it was also pointed out that I need to get hit with said hammer. I was actually told that I need to "quit ducking". I would if I knew how I was ducking. I mean, all those who know would say that if I knew I needed to be broken I would say "bring it on" because I want to be used by God... so how am I "ducking"? I don't know, that's just something God is going to have to hit me in the face with I suppose. Not to mention I need to step up in my discipline or I'm going to get stepped on. I want to be a good steward of what is given to me, and yet I feel as if I fail in all areas of life right now. Like I don't really have a good talent to give.
I need some serious help...
So I've spent most of this morning and afternoon trying to find job apps. Which seem to be impossible to find since they are all on websites, hidden from the world. I did go to the walmart distribution center and apply there. I hope I can get a job there doing the weekend shift at night. That way I can have the rest of the week to do whatever it is I need to do (like working with Jerry as a voluntary intern). This should prove to be an interesting year. Depending on the answer that I get with this job, I may have to wait to get eye surgery, which is ok, but a bit frustrating that I went through all that stress for nothing. Mom and I decided to go ahead and just get started on the eyes and then... If I'm called into work, I'll just postpone the eye thing until I'm able to do it. I really hope that this doesn't hinder my going to Chile in December. I mean, I haven't seen her since last summer. It would really suck to go a year and a half without seeing her again.
I was told today a really good analogy of how the church is like a mosaic, and how God wants to take just a certain "piece" of each person to fit into the mosaic. I thought that was a really good illustration, especially since I got to see a plate smashed with a hammer, but unfortunately, it was also pointed out that I need to get hit with said hammer. I was actually told that I need to "quit ducking". I would if I knew how I was ducking. I mean, all those who know would say that if I knew I needed to be broken I would say "bring it on" because I want to be used by God... so how am I "ducking"? I don't know, that's just something God is going to have to hit me in the face with I suppose. Not to mention I need to step up in my discipline or I'm going to get stepped on. I want to be a good steward of what is given to me, and yet I feel as if I fail in all areas of life right now. Like I don't really have a good talent to give.
I need some serious help...
Monday, August 20, 2007
Life is... interesting
Well it's been a while since my last post, and thankfully I don't feel the numbness that I did then. Maybe I was just having a bad week, but who knows *shrugs* Life is full of surprises, and that is what makes it worth living. For the thrill of the Adventure to come and what has passed. God is good.
Speaking of God... Not that I doubted before, but now I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that God wants me to be here in Clarksville doing this whole interning thing. Here are my reasons: I've been feeling a bit cruddy lately for no apparent reason, my car is falling apart from the inside out (the ash tray cover is broke, the middle pocket cover thing is completely broke off and sits there only because I need an arm rest, the driver's side front panel is bent in [which happened somehow between me going into the bank and coming out within 5 minutes], and my car engine doesn't crank sometimes. I had points when I would turn the key six or seven times and it wouldn't even whir, but thankfully it's working more than not, which allowed me to get to the house last night and of course come to church today to do bulletin stuff, and make this post.), and finally my great uncle Eddy died on the way home Monday afternoon (That may not have been when he died, but that is when I learned about it), so if that isn't an attack by the enemy I don't know what is. Not to mention my landlords have a relative who has cancer and could die at any moment. Though this news is sad, and some of it is frustrating, it is still a great encouragement to me to remind me that this is indeed where I need to be right now.
These past couple of months have been really interesting, and very good for me. I can't really say thank you enough to my God, my parents, and my friends.
This past week has been really frustrating, because I go home for reason, and come back having felt the week was completely pointless. I went down to have lasik surgery done so that I wouldn't need to wear glasses again for a while (no one's eyesight remains perfect after a certain age). However, when I get there I find out that my cornea's are flat and that if I had lasik done it would allow no room for "retreatment" so now we are working on this ICL think which is basically an implant that goes in between my iris and crystalline lens. So essentially they are going to put a contact in my eye instead of on my eye. Which should prove interesting... it works a lot like Cataract surgery does from what I understand. So I'll spending the next three weeks going to Alabama for eye stuff and then returning to Clarksville the same week to do my job. A lot of driving, and I need to get my oil changed. *sigh* Life is so complex sometimes.
I've got nothing else to say at this point really so I think I'll call it quits for now. Later taters!
Speaking of God... Not that I doubted before, but now I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that God wants me to be here in Clarksville doing this whole interning thing. Here are my reasons: I've been feeling a bit cruddy lately for no apparent reason, my car is falling apart from the inside out (the ash tray cover is broke, the middle pocket cover thing is completely broke off and sits there only because I need an arm rest, the driver's side front panel is bent in [which happened somehow between me going into the bank and coming out within 5 minutes], and my car engine doesn't crank sometimes. I had points when I would turn the key six or seven times and it wouldn't even whir, but thankfully it's working more than not, which allowed me to get to the house last night and of course come to church today to do bulletin stuff, and make this post.), and finally my great uncle Eddy died on the way home Monday afternoon (That may not have been when he died, but that is when I learned about it), so if that isn't an attack by the enemy I don't know what is. Not to mention my landlords have a relative who has cancer and could die at any moment. Though this news is sad, and some of it is frustrating, it is still a great encouragement to me to remind me that this is indeed where I need to be right now.
These past couple of months have been really interesting, and very good for me. I can't really say thank you enough to my God, my parents, and my friends.
This past week has been really frustrating, because I go home for reason, and come back having felt the week was completely pointless. I went down to have lasik surgery done so that I wouldn't need to wear glasses again for a while (no one's eyesight remains perfect after a certain age). However, when I get there I find out that my cornea's are flat and that if I had lasik done it would allow no room for "retreatment" so now we are working on this ICL think which is basically an implant that goes in between my iris and crystalline lens. So essentially they are going to put a contact in my eye instead of on my eye. Which should prove interesting... it works a lot like Cataract surgery does from what I understand. So I'll spending the next three weeks going to Alabama for eye stuff and then returning to Clarksville the same week to do my job. A lot of driving, and I need to get my oil changed. *sigh* Life is so complex sometimes.
I've got nothing else to say at this point really so I think I'll call it quits for now. Later taters!
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Numbness
Do you ever have a day when you feel nothing? Like, you know you should feel at least something, but when it comes right down to it, you don't? That is how I've been feeling lately, and it's been bothering me.
At one point this week a man shared his testimony about how he had to shoot a kid while in Iraq because he had to protect his men, and they couldn't convince the kid to stop. So he took the shot and killed the kid. And I know I'm not giving all the detail, but because of that experience he couldn't find peace or rest about it until he came to know Christ. Everyone I knew there was tearing up and looked sad and stuff... I felt nothing. My head told me that it was bad, and that by thought I knew that there should be sympathy, but I felt absolutely nothing. I don't understand.
Am I numb? I know that I should be concerned for the people who are dying and going to hell, but when I examine myself... I don't. I act concerned and I want to help them, but again I don't feel it. I'm not saying I want be crying over it, I just don't like the fact that I can't get a single emotion out of me when anything is concerned... it's almost like whenever I have a feeling (however rare) it lasts for only a minute and I am back down to my callousness, my numbness.
*shrugs* What's a guy to do?
At one point this week a man shared his testimony about how he had to shoot a kid while in Iraq because he had to protect his men, and they couldn't convince the kid to stop. So he took the shot and killed the kid. And I know I'm not giving all the detail, but because of that experience he couldn't find peace or rest about it until he came to know Christ. Everyone I knew there was tearing up and looked sad and stuff... I felt nothing. My head told me that it was bad, and that by thought I knew that there should be sympathy, but I felt absolutely nothing. I don't understand.
Am I numb? I know that I should be concerned for the people who are dying and going to hell, but when I examine myself... I don't. I act concerned and I want to help them, but again I don't feel it. I'm not saying I want be crying over it, I just don't like the fact that I can't get a single emotion out of me when anything is concerned... it's almost like whenever I have a feeling (however rare) it lasts for only a minute and I am back down to my callousness, my numbness.
*shrugs* What's a guy to do?
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