Can I Please Stop Existing?

Why is it that every time I make a decision that if ends up being the wrong one? I mean, I am pretty sure that at this moment the only decision that I've made that is correct is ending my relationship with my girlfriend, and yet sometimes I wonder about that as well, but I will not waver on that.

I am beginning to wonder if God was really being quiet this past week, if He has been quiet for these past few months, or if I was never listening to begin with. I have to admit I'm pretty mad, I think this has got to be the first time I have ever felt anger towards God for His silence, but I know that more than anything I have to look at myself and wonder what it is I am doing.

I was getting excited about returning to TFC until this morning, when Jerry discusses with me different things and the more he speaks, the more I feel afraid that I made the wrong decision. I remember telling God that I was just going to take a step in a direction, and if He wanted me to not go, then to shut that door. I am still going with that strategy, because though I want to follow God, He has been extremely silent in these decisions. Until I hear from Him, this be the path I choose. I had felt, that either way, may have been OK with Him, but now... man I'm so confused.

Have I truly learned anything these past 6 months? I mean, at this rate, I'll never reach the point I need to be at, to be the man God has planned me to be. Will I ever? There is certainly things I have to learn to take into consideration when making decisions for sure.

Altruism... it's so much of my life, it's almost like a motto, and yet I feel that I haven't followed it at all. It's not that I haven't tried, but man, I feel like a failure at life. Sometimes being human sucks. I always have believed that trials are good for the soul, but then again, maybe I never really reached the point of a true trial. I have never been so far into the dark that I couldn't find my way back out, never felt so defeated that I gave up on everything. Don't misunderstand, I have felt defeated before, but I've always pushed through, even last week. Even though last week had to be one of the hardest weeks of my life, and I'm surprised I didn't just break down and cry, I suppose there is much farther I could have still gone.

I'm too afraid of failure, too afraid of disappointing others that I want to take the safe path, and it looks like I have failed at both. Failed at not failing, and failed at not disappointing others, and I wonder, have I failed God as well? That is the scariest thought yet, for though I love my parents, my friends, my pastor, I love my God far more, and to think that I have failed Him makes me want to cease existing. How can He do anything with this useless clump of dirt? I feel useless, and yet, God shows me where He is using me, and sometimes, that is the ONLY thing keeping me going.

I hate the way life is sometimes, but I love the adventure of it's mysteries. What a conundrum.

Y0u D1d Wh4t?

So I guess it's time to finally give the official update on my life.

Thanksgiving was pretty cool, but it felt rather empty. But I guess that's just because I'm so used to having my entire family around, and this year it was just my mom, dad, jackie, a nephew and myself. Though, again I say, it was pretty cool.

After a series of days of fighting with God, myself, and asking others thousands of questions... I have come to the conclusion that ending the relationship I had with my now "ex-" girlfriend was in the best interest all around. What can you do? I was a little upset at first, but now I'm almost happy I made the decision. It's so freeing once you just take that initial step and walk out onto the nothingness of trusting God. So I guess, officially, I am single again, and that is OK. I don't mind being single, and I'll leave it that way for a little bit before I even attempt to go looking for the next girl (hmmm, that sounded a bit bad).

Next is that I am going to try to head back to college next semester. That is the path I will try to take, and see where it leads. If God takes that door away for the moment, then so be it, but I think it's time to head back, and I am ready to do so.

That is the update, yay me...

Hero

So here is a poem dedicated to all those who stand by our side when we feel as though there is no hope. A thank you to the "hero".

"Hero"
by: Austin E.

What do you see in me?
How can potential possibly exist?
Where does your faith come from?

You tell me so many things,
And I absorb the words like a sponge,
Grasping onto the hope of success.

When all have said,
I could not win,
You were there to stand.

You see past the mask,
Past the filth under it,
And into my very soul.

How did you see,
All that I could ever be?
Why did you stand beside me?

So to the Hero,
Who stood by my side.
Thanks.

Crockpot Crochet Cancer

I really don't know how to feel lately. On the outward appearance I throw the wall up as though all is fine when I don't want to deal with answering questions. I put on the “game face” and move on, but there are times when the “game face” just isn't enough. I have been going through this inward battle lately and it's gotten to the point that I don't remember what the battle was about to begin with. It's not that I want to do something stupid, or “bad”, but the pressure of having to be “the good kid” is a bit much. There is this unseen, unspoken, expectation that seems to surround me. As if the very fact that I'm a pastoral intern automatically makes me some super Christian, or that I have to act perfect. Sorry to let you guys know, I actually can't read minds, and quite honestly I don't want to. I hate feeling like there is this giant weight looming over my head, waiting for me to mess up just so it can flatten me like a pancake. It almost makes me want to quit, to just let the stupid weigh fall so that I don't have to worry about it anymore, but I know that no matter what I did, that weight will always be there (whether from my own personal perception, or because people really are doing that is irrelevant).

Last night my mom called me and we talked for a few minutes. Apparently... my grandfather has gotten stomach cancer. This for me is awful news, because he hasn't been doing that well to begin with. It has seemed to me that he appears weaker every time I see him, and yet, somehow I am not surprised at this outcome. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I want him to die, but I wouldn't be surprised if this was his last Christmas (if he even makes it that far). It is just a feeling I have, and I would be more than happy to be wrong, but I think subconsciously I want his suffering to end, and for that to happen, perhaps the ultimate healing is necessary. Just another thing that makes being here difficult. Like I said, I don't know how to feel.

The annual soup contest was held last night, the soups were good. My landlord and I made a pie that was made of oreo crust, ice cream center, cool whip topping, and little hershey bars (the individual ones). It was tasty; I'm glad we made it.

I'm concerned for one of my friends... he seems ready to end something great. He isn't very old as a Christian, and well, he needs to be pulled out this rut he has gotten himself into. He needs to rely on God instead of what other people are thinking of him, but this only comes from time in the walk with God. Hardly ever is it an overnight thing.

I'm learning how to crochet. Is it bad for a guy to want to crochet? Or to enjoy it? If so, then I guess I don't make a very good guy, haha. *shrugs * Oh well, when has that ever stopped me from doing things I enjoy? Heh, I suppose I will leave you with a quote from the book The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning:

Aristotle said that I am a rational animal; I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer.

The quote makes me giggle, so I thought I would share. Kbye!

Dreams and Houses

So it's time for another odd dream brought to you by me, Austin.... but FIRST, a word from my sponsor, "the Insanity of the Mind"

"This show has been brought to you in part by the letter 'P' and the number '3'. Also, the owner of the black Mclaren F1... you have just been hijacked by a deadly ninja who thinks he is a pirate."

Where was I? OH YEAH! So like I said this dream I had was pretty weird. There we are Jerry, a teenager, and myself. We have been captured by some dude and put on a gold ship; quite the impressive feat if you ask me, and we all are amazed at its ability to float. Well, we are held in this "living room" style of room, it even has it's own bathroom, and then we move on to speak with our "captor". Oddly he looks a lot like Pierce Brosman (007), but I digress... we talk about something for quite a while and then we are returned to the main room. At one point we check out the bathroom; naturally, it's disgusting. I'm pretty sure their was poo in the toilet and on the floor next to the toilet, but "hey, what can you do?" We weren't left with much of an option when it's the only bathroom available.

We find a newspaper which has the title "Sacrificial Sacrifices" across the top in big and bold, the rest is impossible to read from my point of view; however, Jerry goes into this long spiel about something that had to do with sacrifices, pagans, and how it was relative to the now. I didn't really catch all he said, it was directed towards the teen anyway. So I have this need to pee, naturally I don't want to go to that filthy bathroom, but I have no choice. I walk into the bathroom, look at the disgusting scene, and suddenly keel over in pain. I was suddenly screaming from... pain maybe? A burning sensation was certainly consuming my body, and I was being lifted into the air by an unseen force. My reaction was to command it to release me in the name of Jesus. It did, but then another force picked me back up again, and I just kept repeating the name of Jesus over and over again. I woke up saying His name. I have never woken up so confused on what exactly happened, but the image is still lodged in my brain. Pretty weird huh?

ON A COMPLETELY SEPARATE NOTE:
I moved into another house. I am now living with another woman. She is pretty cool, and she made a good dinner. It only took me about an hour and a half to pack everything and another hour to unload into my new abode. She even has kitties!!! I used to live in Tennessee but now I live in Kentucky, of course, I never left the city of Clarksville... not really anyway. So, needless to say (but I'll say it anyway ^_^) Today has been very chaotic, and well I have felt a bit frazzled lately so this was "icing on the cake". However, I think that God will use this to grow me as an individual, and provide for her as she prayed for.

Did I mention the woman is in her 60s? Haha!!! You thought I had moved in with a woman that was my age didn't you?! *laughs at you* I tricked you, I tricked you! *giggles*

Anyways, that's it for now. Later!

What Have I Given?

As I sit here drinking my quasi-purple soda I find myself largely introspective. I have discovered that I am not nearly as brave as I would hope to be, and that I am in fact very afraid. I fear what I may lose, I fear what awaits in the 'morrow, I fear what people would think if they saw the me that is behind closed doors, I fear failure and rejection. I know that all these fears are largely ridiculous and that I shouldn't be afraid, yet here I am wondering why such fear has taken a firm grip upon my heart.

Tonights sermon was awful; I don't think I could have done any worse, and what's more, it wasn't even what I had prepared. Curse my pride. I will be truly blessed if anyone gets even ONE thing out of that mumbled mess. However, Jerry redeemed that horrid time with something that hit me. Where have I not given it my all? I see that pretty much anything that people do not see me do. I haven't given the things I watch (good or bad) over to God, I have not given my desires to Him, I have not submitted my fears, or my identity (not completely anyway), I have not submitted at all I fear.

I fear I may lose something precious to me, and I think the very fact that I am unwilling to give that away then it is proof that I should. But, what will I do once it's gone? I know I'm being cryptic, I'm sorry. I am not positive, but I feel that I may have to end my relationship with my girlfriend. Perhaps, the relationship has run it's course, however, I still do not want to let it go. I mean, most will not understand, but I was/am planning on marrying this woman, and now when I have my mind set, God comes around and goes "Do you think she is an idol in your life? What will you do if I asked you to give up that relationship?" Which goes back to my question, what will I do once it's gone? I've had her as part of my life for nearly 4 years and here I'm being asked to give it away. It is precious to me, how can I give it away. God really wants me to give Him one of my few treasures?

Haha, of course... right as I wrote that a song that is Spanish, is essentially translated as "more of you, less of me" comes on. God's humor is certainly interesting. I feel at a loss of what to do. I feel lost period. I've been begging God to bring me to the point where I only rely on Him, to be "emptied" and "broken" so that I can become whole in Him, to be filled with Him, and He is ever so slowly working me there. The battle rages, I feel like I am on the front lines, and I have nothing to offer; I am the one losing myself in this mess. Why must learning important things come at such a high price?

And yet, I feel like I cannot complain, because there are people who encounter far worse events that I am experiencing now. Still, I really can't help but feel slightly distressed. I feel that I have already given so many precious things of mine to God, but I know I must give it all; this is such a hard task. Ultimately, if I knew God was telling me to end my relationship with her, I would follow Him, for He knows what is best. We all experience everything we do to get us where we are meant to be. I know that sentence might seem confusing, but if you truly think about it, it does make sense. I am certainly going to spending a lot of time in prayer this week.