Saturday, February 6, 2010

Tower of Refuge

These past couple of weeks have been pretty rough on me. I can't even remember what I've done during these past couple of weeks, but I do know what I have been feeling. It's really a big mess of feelings: fear, apathy, anger, despair, sorrow, happiness, and probably some more hidden in there. The problem is that I have not really understood what has brought on these feelings, or at least, I didn't want to believe it until I asked a friend of mine why I felt horrible, and he simply responded, "Because you are stressed and haven't been able to get the encouragement from friends." It suddenly hit me that he was right. Not that I don't realize it, but I think that even I underestimate my own need for interaction from people.

For example, these past two days have been the hardest. Even though I have been with my wife for most of the day on both of these days, there was very little interaction. We sat in the same room, we played games, we even talked for a few minutes between things, but nothing seemed to make me feel better, but then we decided to go out and get some candy and grape juice. It might have been the fact that I was moving after sitting for so long, but what I really think helped me feel better was that we were interacting with nothing distracting us. We did not even say anything of high value, we talked about what kind of outfit would work for us if we decided to start dressing in a steam punk fashion. But just talking fed my heart and lifted my spirit in a way that nothing else that had or could have done. And just this evening I was feeling the same way, so we wrapped ourselves in warm clothing and just walked around the complex for about ten minutes talking about the stars and goofing off. Again, it made me feel better than anything I had felt all day.

I do not really understand what causes me to need such interactions so intensely, but when I don't get it I wither. I do not have to talk about deep theological issues, but some true interaction is required for me to function at my best. So then, this leads me to the question: What does this say about my relationship with God?

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. This could be an indication that I do not spend enough time in the stillness with Him (which I know is a fact, but then I don't remember it ever causing this type of a problem). It could indicate that God has designed me to need people, so that I can play some specific part in His plan and I'm just along for the ride. Or perhaps God is letting me feel this way to show me a hint of how He feels about His people. When it comes to my opinion, the options are so limitless that it would not surprise me if it was any combination of those options. I suppose, I'm still working through this area in my thoughts. After all, I am writing right now to get my thoughts out.

However, there are a few things I do know: I can't keep hoping that other people will solve my problems (not that I thought that explicitly, but it does seem to be a subtle thought), I know that whatever I'm feeling it is only temporary and I will be OK, and I know that God will remain in control of my life, because when I try to do things on my own I just screw things up. He is my tower of refuge, and I will hide behind the walls He has built to keep the enemy at bay. The more I do for God, the more resistance I face right (relatively speaking)? If so, then maybe Satan is getting scared :)

Regardless, despite how I feel I will keep pursuing Him, keep worshiping Him, and keep hoping in Him to guide me and preserve my life until it has fulfilled its mission.

Grace and Peace

Monday, February 1, 2010


I really don't know how else to describe how I've been feeling lately except for the word "outcast", and yet, I know that the word is far from the truth. You see lately I've been noticing something that I wish with all my heart wasn't true: my friends and I are on two different paths. The reason I say this is not because one is more righteous than the other, but our sets of beliefs seem to be wandering away from each other, and maybe even more core than that is the fact that our personalities don't mesh. We get along fine, and really don't argue, but there is a core difference in preferences. I really don't understand it all. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm married, and thus being with me means being with my wife as well 98% of the time, or maybe it is because they seem to be seeing something about their relationship with God that I clearly do not, or maybe "this" or "that". I'm sure the plausible answers are endless, but still the question remains... why?

I believe the reason it has seemed so stark a realization today is because of the fact that it's been nearly a full week since I had anyone come over to my apartment. For some, this is a grand thing, and they wished it happened more often; however, for me, it is one of the worst experiences I could have. I don't think people really understand exactly how much being able to host visits, and feed friends, etc., feeds into my very being. Being denied such acts of hospitality is like closing an important valve for a water supply, or stepping onto someone's air hose while they are trying to breathe; it is suffocating.

Now I'm not writing this to make my friends feel guilty, in fact the whole reason I'm avoiding posting this elsewhere is because I know that few if any of my friends will read this blog. I just needed to write out my thoughts.

I guess that's all

Grace and Peace