Monday, February 1, 2010


I really don't know how else to describe how I've been feeling lately except for the word "outcast", and yet, I know that the word is far from the truth. You see lately I've been noticing something that I wish with all my heart wasn't true: my friends and I are on two different paths. The reason I say this is not because one is more righteous than the other, but our sets of beliefs seem to be wandering away from each other, and maybe even more core than that is the fact that our personalities don't mesh. We get along fine, and really don't argue, but there is a core difference in preferences. I really don't understand it all. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm married, and thus being with me means being with my wife as well 98% of the time, or maybe it is because they seem to be seeing something about their relationship with God that I clearly do not, or maybe "this" or "that". I'm sure the plausible answers are endless, but still the question remains... why?

I believe the reason it has seemed so stark a realization today is because of the fact that it's been nearly a full week since I had anyone come over to my apartment. For some, this is a grand thing, and they wished it happened more often; however, for me, it is one of the worst experiences I could have. I don't think people really understand exactly how much being able to host visits, and feed friends, etc., feeds into my very being. Being denied such acts of hospitality is like closing an important valve for a water supply, or stepping onto someone's air hose while they are trying to breathe; it is suffocating.

Now I'm not writing this to make my friends feel guilty, in fact the whole reason I'm avoiding posting this elsewhere is because I know that few if any of my friends will read this blog. I just needed to write out my thoughts.

I guess that's all

Grace and Peace

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