I have been working through a lot of stuff lately. As if my mind has decided that this week was the optimum time to make me question everything again. What is the purpose of life? The point of my life? What does it mean to live? What does it mean to die? What comes after death? What about all the in between stuff, is any of it really worth it?
These thoughts keep me up at night. These thoughts haunt me throughout the day like a cloud shadows a mountain before the storm ravages its surface.
These things do not depress me. If anything, the emotions I feel in association with the thoughts that flood my mind are confusion, maybe even frustration. Perhaps even rage. An anger so deep that it cools the veins rather than ignites the fire that is passion.
Maybe that is what it is. I am mad.
I am mad that so much injustice still exists in this world.
I am mad that I feel so helpless.
I am mad that I don't have the answers to the questions people ask every day. Both the explicit and the implicit.
I am mad that I do not feel about things the way people say I should.
I am mad that I cannot seem to change myself no how much I try.
I am just mad.
Yet, I don't feel mad.
I don't feel much of anything at all lately.
Sure there are the emotions I experience, the senses that are caressed by wind and light, song and dance, like the gentle touch of a lover's whisper. I am conscious of them, notice their touch but still feel disconnected in some way. Disconnected even from my own inhibitions.
I get tired of the need for social courtesies. Why can't we just say what we mean? I guess I'm mad about that too.
Hypocrisy, false accusations, debates, "he said, she said", does it ever end?
Of course, the way I'm writing this you would think that something horrible is going on in my life. Quite the contrary, I couldn't ask for a better time! I have nothing to complain about and still my mind races. Still it follows these paths that lead to only God knows where and I'm just pulled along for the ride.
Honestly, I'm not even sure why my mind goes through these cycles. I always come back to the same conclusions. I look at the same evidence, the same topics, the same everything as everyone else; yet, my conclusions never shift. They may expand, but they don't change.
Maybe my anger is just a mask of my fear.
They say people have either a fight or flight instinct. I think I'm beginning to see that mine is a fight. Not only will I fight but I will put everything I am into that fight until only one thing remains. That thing becomes the victor standing upon the pile of its fallen prey.
I realized the other day that I have no response to Atheism. None. I've researched it, I talk with them, and I hear other people's answers, but none of it sits well. None of it seems quite right. I'm watching people I love go down a path I feel is the wrong one, that my sense scream against and restrict me from pursuing them. And I have no response to that?
I feel a little like a child waiting at the end of a long dark hallway. Afraid to step into the darkness, I desperately hope and even beg that the friend I was following will come back out safe.
I can feel the shift taking place inside of me and I cannot decide if the outcome will be good or bad. For better or worse though, I do not think I will come out unscathed. Maybe it is time to walk through the darkness for a while. How can one who lives in the light understand the darkness if he never experiences it? After all God created both the Light and the Dark and uses both for his purposes. Maybe it's time to see the dark side of the moon.
With excitement I end this post. I feel as if I'm about to embark on a much needed voyage. Who knows? Maybe like Caspian I will encounter adventures that forged my heart through trials and storms into the man I need to be.
After all, no good story lacks obstacles to overcome, sacrifices to be made, and battles to be won. And I think, this is one battle I can avoid no longer.
No more standing idly by, the warrior takes up his sword and shield and turns to face his enemy. Who's next he wonders.
Grace and Peace.
[EDIT: Two things. I realize that this post probably makes little to no sense to anyone. To that my response is: It's late at night and I'm half awake. Clarification may come later (given my track record though....)
secondly, this is not me saying I don't believe in God or that I'm pursuing Atheism (as I'm sure my post might have insinuated). I am merely using the term darkness as a metaphor for something that is beyond my understanding at this time. Mystery, change, the unknown in general.
As always, if you have any questions feel free to comment or speak with me directly.]