Hello readers, it's been a while. I guess you could say I've been busy, but then maybe I just haven't felt like I've been in a good place to write anything of worth. Who wants to read the drivel of any person's day? Isn't that what personal journals/diaries are for?
Instead I will talk of something I've been going over and over in my mind.
It has got to be one of the hardest things to accomplish, and even writing this is hard because there are so many thoughts running around in my mind that I find it difficult to nail down that one coherent thought.
The past few weeks I've really been fighting with myself on this aspect of forgiveness, and I don't know if it is because I'm tired of dealing with other people's seemingly personal vendettas against humanity, or because I'm tired of being walked over by people who don't know how to keep their attitude in check (or feel they shouldn't have to), or even if it is simply because it is a hard thing to do.
The thing is, I feel like, for the first time in my life, that I don't want to be around people right now. And not the "I'm tired, let's go home" kind of feeling, but rather I feel like I need a hiatus from humanity. The entitlement, the attitudes, the selfishness, etc. It wears on my spirit and my heart. It hurts.
How much peace would we get if we were more forgiving? How many hours do we waste thinking about how things would be different if "they" would only do something? How wasted is our energy on the bitterness that seems to overflow from the depths of our souls? What is the point in being so angry at the world and telling the world to "just deal with it"?
Do we not see that everything we do affects another?
Jesus was so patient with us. The sheep who wander off on our own. And his forgiveness runs deeper than any one I know.
I would be so much worse off if God was not patient with my petty behaviors, and here I am complaining about that very thing.
There are days when I wonder if I could ever forgive myself. Not for the actions I've taken as much as the inaction that should not have been. How can I forgive myself for not standing up for people when they need me to? How can I forgive myself for my silence when words should have been spoken? How can I accept my past?
It's a tough pill to swallow. I think a lot of days I run from it. I find myself still sucked into some of the same old ruts I've walked since childhood. Never really denying the existence of my problems when asked, but living life as if I'm pretending they don't exist.
But I think, accepting these weaknesses are an important part of the human existence. The journey of the Being.
Luckily, this isn't a journey I have to make alone. There are those who have gone before me. Experience and wiser individuals who have walked this path and have seen the light on the other side.
Luckily there are those who are walking through the same processes I am and can relate.
Luckily, I know this is not where it ends, it's just another beginning.
What a wonderful place to be. Sure sucks getting there though.
Grace and Peace.