Hmmm, so much to say, and yet I feel as though I really don't have the words to say them. I will say this though, it's nice to have wireless internet though it sucks that I have to drive 40 minutes to get to it. Oh well, Panera is tasty.
This summer, has felt insanely long, and surprisingly short all at the same time. Every day has been something different, yet redundant. It it's been painful, but good. What a paradoxical summer, eh?
God has been stretching me past my limits, He's been putting me through His refining fire, and shaping me more into the man I need to be. I'm in a constant state of being taught, which is good, because life without learning is boring. He has been providing for me, by taking things away. I know that doesn't make sense, but I suppose at the same time it does. He has provided for my spiritual life, by taking away luxuries that I am so used to in my physical life. Suffice to say that this summer has been extremely good for me, and changing. Not that the core of who I am has changed, I don't think that ever will, and that's OK, that's who God made me to be. However, there are definitely some things that are different about me, I can feel it. I may not see where those changes are at until a situation arises that involves that change but, they are there, I know it.
And here I sit, in a deli restaurant, wondering what more there is to say. Of how I feel so incompetent at times, and how I have had days this summer where I didn't see any way out. I felt trapped by my sin, by the hopeless wreck that I am, a complete mess. Days where I have felt a repulsive smell, and the trash that follows it, is more appealing than me. Do I say these things because I want empathy, sympathy, or even a little bit of attention by way of pity? Hardly, I am just expressing things that seem to have lodged themselves deep within me these past few weeks.
In reality, I am a hopeless mess, but that's what makes the gift of salvation and grace that much more awe inspiring. How could a God of such high standards come to love someone like me, a man who can't even keep his thoughts from himself for more than a few minutes? I have become ashamed of who I have been, of what I have done in the past that was anything but glorifying to God, but with His forgiveness and unconditional love, I have lived in improvement. He is constantly refining me from the dirt that I was into the treasure that I will one day be because of His love.
So, I keep pursuing this invisible mystery, this presence that is often incognito. I do not always see Him where I am looking, but that is often because I'm looking in the wrong place or in the wrong way. Sometimes, He is silent, and in those days I just have to wait until He is ready to speak. Some nights will be restless because of this, and others will be wonderfully peaceful. That is how my relationship with God has always been, and until He sees fit to change it, that is how it will be.
He is so real to me, even when I doubt, and ask questions, even when I feel that there is no hope, I remember Him, and He takes me in His arms and tells me, "I love you". How awesome.
Grace and Peace.