So I've learned that writing out my thoughts is very helpful in me understanding myself. Also, once I have my thoughts semi-composed I blog them out if I find them worthy enough, or am not too lazy to type it out. Tonight is a combination of catharsis and organized thoughts.
As strongly as ever, my desire for companionship seems to seep into my very core. As I've come to say so often, "God has given some the gift of celibacy, but I am not one of them." And it's true, I cannot even begin to describe adequately how I feel about having an intimate relationship with the woman who will be my wife. This desire is far beyond the physical realm, way beyond the desire to be married for sex. No, it is a desire to protect and to love, to serve and to sacrifice, to be God's arms, and words, and an expression of His love, as well as my own. I want to be married, and I truly believe I have found the person that God wants me to marry; but still I am restless, ever so tired of playing this game of waiting. I know I have to wait, because He is preparing me, but this time of preparation is also a time of trying to be agonizingly patient, and knowing that the only way I'm making it this far is by God and not by me.
"Not by power, nor by might, but by my Spirit, says the LORD" And that has become exceptionally true for me this summer. I have always tried to let God move through me, mend me, stretch me, teach me, and to do everything by His power, but this summer has been the most I have ever felt that tension within myself to do it myself, or let God do it. He has had to remind me time and time again that He is Jehovah/Yahweh, the Self-Sustaining One, and that because He sustains Himself, and the entirety of the Universe, that He knows better than I on matters of the Heart. He knows me far better than I could even know myself.
So I'm left with a dilemma. Do I sit and wait for God to do it all, or does He want me to take the steps necessary to get me to that point that I need to be, helping me along the way? I'm sure it may be a combination of the two. I can't just sit around and wait, because that isn't being a steward of what God has given me, of the talents He provides to me. Not to mention the fact that if I wait too long my desire may consume me, and lead me down a path I do not wish to pursue. However, I also know that there is some waiting, and sitting in silence before God just waiting for His Word that will tell which direction I need to go. To, essentially, stand still and look at the spiritual compass and let it point north, and adjust accordingly.
Is it so odd that I look forward to the times of trouble as well as good? It's not that I want to go though the hard times, but rather this knowledge of knowing that as long as I have God, and can stand with this woman it will be a wonderful learning experience once it has passed and knowing that it's those times that we grow closest together, and closest to God.
Is it really so strange that I have such a passion? Surely not, hasn't humanity since the creation of Adam want to do the very things I desire? To have someone that you can face the challenges of life with, and to have at least one person who you can say you know as best as humanly possible? Haven't we... Don't we all have a desire to find someone that we can call our companion, our comrade, our (truly) best friend, our help mate, our "insert significant title"?
*sighs* All that to say, I'm glad God is in control, and I'm not, because He knows better than I could ever understand.
Grace and Peace