Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Train Wreck

I can't say I understand how I've been feeling lately. There are a number of things it could be I suppose, but as far as knowing what event triggered the feeling, or what perception created the response, I have nothing to go on.

Perhaps, I am just under spiritual attack. Perhaps, I am seen as a threat to my enemy and they do not want me to do what I am supposed to do. Perhaps, my pride has snuck up on me, and as such I haven't been keeping it in check. Perhaps, my body decided to attack itself emotionally leaving me in the cross-fire. Whatever the reason be, I am thoroughly confused on why it has occured.

Did I lose my armor? Did I take it off subconsciously? Is it too small? Is it time for new armor? Or is this all in my head, and I just need to find the core of the problem within myself? Like feeling that people do not have confidence in me when it comes to "leading worship". Maybe, it is both. It is entirely possible that I am simaltaneously getting attacked and leaving myself open to that attack because of something going on inside me.

Yesterday, I played the piano, and did not feel better. For the first time in a long time I played music and it did not help, in fact, it made it worse. And what's more, and I know this is ridiculous, but I felt like some people just did not have the time for me, like I was not important enough for them. Now... I know that this was not the truth; my heart knew it, and my mind knew it, but still something within me said otherwise. It was stupid, and irrational, and I'm still confused on why I thought it. People are busy, this always happen during this time of the semester. Big projects are due, school gets the better of most, and there are all those extra curricular stuff to go with it. So like I said, stupid and irrational.

I need to stop angsting. Don't know what's gotten into me. I have class, and nothing else to say at the moment because I've lost my train of thought.

Grace and Peace

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