Monday, November 28, 2011

Question for You

I'm starting to see a trend. As most of my immediate circles consist of single people I suppose it would be easy to spot but still it catches me by surprise almost every time.

The trend is that both men and women tend to get themselves wrapped up in the "wrong person"; meaning, they are in relationships that are abusive or unhealthy in some way. I am constantly baffled by this. If you are unhappy why keep going back to that person? I suppose the psychoanalysts would probably comment on some obscure past where the individual is so wounded that they feel like at least the person they are with gives them attention. While that might play into it sometimes, I think that is a really weak analysis and that they need to look a little deeper.

I do believe that our past has a part it plays (which is why you might like one person over another) and I believe that there are wounds in our lives that influence how we treat each other, but I have a hard time believing that this is all there is. I suppose this comes from knowing some people who have actually been with good people but the relationship refused to work because of one thing or another, or from some who refuse to leave the relationship permanently because of something that drives them toward each other. Perhaps it is the result of faulty logic, but again, that would be a side effect and not always the case.

So what is it? What drives us back to the same type of people over and over again?

I have a few theories but I really want to work those thoughts out a little further before I post again on the subject. So, I ask you, the general populace, why do you think that we as a species do crazy stuff like this?


Dan Sanders said...

Part of attraction is our instinctive pheromone response, and I think that part in particular is frequently ignored due to not being the most "romantic" thing to think about. We may be continually attracted to someone who is abusive because we are reacting to what our body does around them, which basically tells us that they are a great chance for reproduction, and they may be reacting to the same thing.

It's also possible that abuse is actually someone taking too far some things we genuinely like in a person, but again the question would remain: why do we even like those things? Some would point out similarities to parental figures, or perhaps early experiences in life that shaped one's attractions, but I tend to think that some actualize beyond those influences, to choosing someone purely for the sake that the way they exist is what they want.

Then again, I'm a pretty poor authority on such things considering how my circumstances have all worked out so far. However, there's some thoughts for you.

Erik said...

I think it in part has to do with the abusee's view of them self. People who have good self-image and self confidence tend not to be the people who stay in an abusive relationship from my observations.