Sunday, November 4, 2007

What Have I Given?

As I sit here drinking my quasi-purple soda I find myself largely introspective. I have discovered that I am not nearly as brave as I would hope to be, and that I am in fact very afraid. I fear what I may lose, I fear what awaits in the 'morrow, I fear what people would think if they saw the me that is behind closed doors, I fear failure and rejection. I know that all these fears are largely ridiculous and that I shouldn't be afraid, yet here I am wondering why such fear has taken a firm grip upon my heart.

Tonights sermon was awful; I don't think I could have done any worse, and what's more, it wasn't even what I had prepared. Curse my pride. I will be truly blessed if anyone gets even ONE thing out of that mumbled mess. However, Jerry redeemed that horrid time with something that hit me. Where have I not given it my all? I see that pretty much anything that people do not see me do. I haven't given the things I watch (good or bad) over to God, I have not given my desires to Him, I have not submitted my fears, or my identity (not completely anyway), I have not submitted at all I fear.

I fear I may lose something precious to me, and I think the very fact that I am unwilling to give that away then it is proof that I should. But, what will I do once it's gone? I know I'm being cryptic, I'm sorry. I am not positive, but I feel that I may have to end my relationship with my girlfriend. Perhaps, the relationship has run it's course, however, I still do not want to let it go. I mean, most will not understand, but I was/am planning on marrying this woman, and now when I have my mind set, God comes around and goes "Do you think she is an idol in your life? What will you do if I asked you to give up that relationship?" Which goes back to my question, what will I do once it's gone? I've had her as part of my life for nearly 4 years and here I'm being asked to give it away. It is precious to me, how can I give it away. God really wants me to give Him one of my few treasures?

Haha, of course... right as I wrote that a song that is Spanish, is essentially translated as "more of you, less of me" comes on. God's humor is certainly interesting. I feel at a loss of what to do. I feel lost period. I've been begging God to bring me to the point where I only rely on Him, to be "emptied" and "broken" so that I can become whole in Him, to be filled with Him, and He is ever so slowly working me there. The battle rages, I feel like I am on the front lines, and I have nothing to offer; I am the one losing myself in this mess. Why must learning important things come at such a high price?

And yet, I feel like I cannot complain, because there are people who encounter far worse events that I am experiencing now. Still, I really can't help but feel slightly distressed. I feel that I have already given so many precious things of mine to God, but I know I must give it all; this is such a hard task. Ultimately, if I knew God was telling me to end my relationship with her, I would follow Him, for He knows what is best. We all experience everything we do to get us where we are meant to be. I know that sentence might seem confusing, but if you truly think about it, it does make sense. I am certainly going to spending a lot of time in prayer this week.

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