Friday, February 8, 2008

Cold Hands and Warm Hearts

So Valentine's approaches, as does spring, birds, bees, and the thousands of couples that apparently find each other's faces delicious. I really don't mind people kissing, just don't have heavy make-out sessions in public. I understand the pleasure of being with someone you care about, but please... keep the face eating to a minimum.

Speaking of relationships, what exactly holds me back from initiating one? Why DO I need to wait? These really are a kind of rhetorical questions, so don't panic, I'm not jumping into anything without thinking it through, but still that desire to connect with someone is so great. It's not that I am not content with being single... at least I think I am, but these desires can really be bothersome. Am I to wait because I need to discover myself? To firm my beliefs? Do I merely use that as an excuse? An excuse for what though, is it fear? If it is fear, then why am I afraid? What am I afraid of? My friend's opinions? Why? Because I respect their opinions, and know that some of them have had experiences and wisdom in areas of life that I have yet to reach. Is that the only thing stopping me from moving on? Is there other fears? The fear of it not working out in the end, or causing hurt or being hurt myself? My head is swarming with questions, and I can't seem to make many of them coherent.

Perhaps it is merely things that I need to get out of my life before I can bring someone else into it. Perhaps, I really did feel hurt at the end of my internship, but decided to hide it behind apathy. Maybe, I was a little bitter, and I am just now at the point where I can approach that area of my life, and work through it, sifting out the good and the bad, and then taking the good while leaving the bad behind. Perhaps, it is because I still don't know what I am going to do in my life. What is my calling? I can see myself doing, and enjoying, many types of ministry because I do know I am called into full-time ministry, and that it involves remaining here in the U.S. but beyond that, I can't see what it is. Is it as a traveling speaker, book writer? A song writer/performer? A church planter *shivers*? A fictional writer? Youth Pastor? Program director for events such as LIFE or camps? I can put myself in most of these options and can totally see myself doing them, so what does that look like if I had to put it under one title?

I need a job, but it seems that all the jobs on campus have been taken, so I guess I don't NEED a job, I would just like one a lot. I might stay here over the summer and just work, maybe take some summer classes... I'm sure Josiah will be happy to hear that, but we'll see.

My beliefs are starting to come together. All the issues that I viewed as major are beginning to become my own, but I am not prepared to defend them yet.

Thus life moves on, I grow a little more, I learn a little more, and I am freed a little more.

The chains are beginning to break, soon I'll be able to soar with freedom.

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