I sit here with nothing left to give. I don't feel drained, or stretched out, I don't feel like things are going everywhere but the right way, in fact I don't feel anything at all except peace. I am merely existing right now.
I've had a lot on my mind lately. I'm trying to discover myself in a new way. To really truly learn who the real me is. Where he exists, what he thinks, how he responds to actions, and where his heart really lies. It is a dark road, full of twists, turns, cobwebs, scary trees, headless horsemen, ghouls and the like, but there is also a light. That light seems so faint but I can still see it, and I stumble my way towards it, knowing that if I could just reach the light the hidden things would be revealed, and thus the trek to the innermost part of my soul begins. Of course, it all begins and ends with God, because He is my creator and knows me better than anyone ever will, but there is still the effort on my part to not simply give up when the harder parts of the discovery come around. It is so easy to quit a good thing when it seems to get too hard, but this one thing I don't have the luxury of quitting, nor do I want to. Too much is at stake.
To go along with the discover of the self-concept, there is also the emotional end of me that needs to be addressed. What arouses anger, sadness, joy, excitement, despair, etc? What causes me to get defensive when someone makes a simple comment? Is it merely my personality or is there something hidden behind the mask I seem to have constructed without my own knowledge? And then there is my attraction to an amazing girl, and though I don't feel my motives are wrong, I also don't think that sharing that information with this girl is appropriate at this time. Not just for my own benefit, but for hers as well. There is a lot of growing that I know I need to do, and I can see the need in her life as well, thus it goes unnoticed to all except God (and probably a few friends).
What drives me? What is my passion? What do I like to do? Do I do these things because I actually like them and enjoy them, or because I was told that is what a Christian should do?
Is my innocence really just ignorance? Have I really been just doing what I feel God is telling me, or have I actually been conforming with all the non-conformists? Why must my relationship to God be based on what I feel, rather than what I know about God, however limited my understanding of that knowing may be?
Was the Bible meant to be the sole source of our answers, and to be "The Living Word of God", or did God intend it merely to be a stepping stone into something higher, better, deeper, and lead us to the true Living Word of God which is Christ? What does doctrine have anything to do with the way we treat people? Why do Christians become so dogmatic that we forget the beauty of simplicity? The simplicity of relationships, of taking things at face value, of love. Existential existence... we are all connected aren't we? Why else would our drive for connection exist? Why would we have this need to be in communion with one another and with God if we weren't? Isn't that why that "girl" won't leave her "jerk boyfriend"? Isn't it because at least he acknowledges her existence, even if it is only for a moment? Isn't that why people do so many things that seem unwise, just so that they can, if only for a moment, feel like they matter, to feel the excitement that is life? Isn't that why most people fear death more than anything, because they've been dead all along?
There are so many questions bouncing around in my head, and there are no answers at this point. I know that there is only one place that I will find the answers (not that ones I want, or the ones I am hoping for, but just the truth as it is... bare), and that is to meet with God, and see Him "Iris to Iris". Though the truth may never be absolute in my mind, at the very least I will begin to see the truth in our "truth".