Thursday, August 30, 2007

Denial

Why is it so hard to give up on the things that I enjoy the most? Now I am not talking about sin, despite the fact that I enjoy sin, it is only for a moment and then I feel terrible. No, I am talking about doing things I enjoy doing, such as, posting on this blog, watching anime, etc. Why is it so hard to give up on things like that? Most of you are probably wondering what I'm babbling about so I guess I can give a bit of info to reveal why I ask a question such as this.

I have this program on my computer called covenant eyes, and it works a lot like xxxchurch.com does, except it is probably a little better and you have to pay for it. Jerry has put this on my computer using the church account... I digress. Covenant Eyes basically watches every website you go to and sends the links to your accountability partner letting them know if you have looked at porn and what not. So everyone knows I enjoy going to Deviant Art to post my poetry, stories, and pictures, as well as reading from friends and such. However, DeviantArt comes up as an "might as well be porn" kind of site. Which makes me sad, because I DON'T look at those kinds of photos, but they are all over the website I guess. And so because I want to keep my honor, I need to stop using DeviantArt. If only for a time, but maybe for the rest of my life. See it's things like that, that makes me go, "DO I HAVE TO?" and I find myself fighting everything in my body to say, "I will do it, so that I do not harm the ministry God has for me." Everything in me wants to say, "screw this program, I'm not looking at porn, therefore no big." But if I look at it carefully I see that I could get fired from any job by looking at DeviantArt because the amount of sexual content that can so easily be found on it. *sigh* It sucks having to deny myself, but I know it's good for me.

So, all that led me to say. Why is it so hard to quit the things I enjoy? I know the answer, but I constantly ask myself that from time to time. Just like when I put my class ring in the offering plate because I felt like God was telling me to do so, again I find myself having the same feeling. It is a fight between my flesh and my spirit. My flesh tells me to keep the ring, keep looking at DeviantArt, keep doing "x" and logically it would make sense to do those things because they aren't sinful things (of course, there are those few exceptions, but I think you get the point). However, my spirit wants to obey God, it wants to do what is right in His sight, it wants to be consumed by the burning fire of God's love, and in turn, light the lives of those around it.

"I do the things I do not want to do, and do not do the things I want to do."

How fitting...

And on a completely different note. Why are the things you want to do so hard at times?
For instance, if you didn't know, I have a financial problem... I can't control myself in spending it a lot of times. This internship is going to be good for me because it will force me to be frugal with my money, but still I find it hard. It's not that I don't WANT to be a good steward, it's just that I don't have any discipline in doing so, and now I am paying the price. My grades, and money are the most prominent example of my lack of discipline. I guess subconsciously I am always looking for an easy way out, though I know those don't exist. At least not if you want everyone to be happy. There are some easy ways out, but they end up hurting someone, so really they aren't the best options. I keep telling myself that I need to "just buckle down and do it." But when push comes to shove I almost always don't do it. I hate that about myself. I want to change it, but many times it feels like a goal that is so far out of reach that I just want to give up on it. I want to get married, but the more I think about my responsibilities I would have, the more I see that there is no way I am prepared to make such a commitment.

I'm such a slob. I have to get better, but I know I can't do it by myself. Sometimes I need people to come beside me and drag me out of my drunken stupor (spiritually, of course) and maybe even give me a nice kick in the face to get me moving again. I have people in my life who are good at it, but still... *shrugs* I don't know. I think I'm just rambling now.

I'm done.

3 comments:

Erik said...

Would encourage you to put your art up on your blog. You can upload pictures to a blog post. That way, you could still (sorta) share your art with the world :)

Luke Gilkerson said...

Thanks for your post. It is rare to find people who are really searching their hearts, examining what lies behind their day-to-day activities, and maintaining integrity even the smallest matters. I encourage you to keep this up and let God work through all the details.

God bless,
Luke Gilkerson
Internet Community Manager
Covenant Eyes

Luke Gilkerson said...

I was reading on more of your blog. I noticed your quote "The Rabbi thinks we can be like him." Did you get that from Ray Vanderlaan? Have you seen his videos? I highly recommend them.

Luke