Saturday, February 21, 2009

Emotional Hurricane

I don't know if I can find any one word that describes how I feel at the moment.

On one hand I'm really frustrated because I went through a good hour or two of prep for a D&D game and then don't get to actually use that prep because of situations beyond my control. I suppose I should have expected it to happen since I called one of players to ask if he still wanted to play only to find out he was asleep. So, I'm told that I'll be called back after a little bit... that was at about 9:45pm it is now 1:24am... I'm a little frustrated.

On a separate emotion is this one of stress. I'm stressed because I've been interacting with this pastor for a possible position within a church, which rocks; but it takes him several days for him to respond, and as the time goes on, I begin to wonder if we'll ever decide one way or the other. I've been working on trying to get this position for several weeks, and majority of that time span is waiting on his replies. I understand that finding a job can take time, but this is an area of my life that is causing stress. Then there is also the wedding that I'm planning for the summer and that too creates stress because I have no money in which to purchase the things I need to purchase. Which means getting a job is integral to getting married. Add school on top of that, and friends who don't like you at the moment and stress becomes a part of daily life. I honestly don't feel stressed that often but I do know that I am when I stretch and certain portions of my body hurt because I'm so tense.

I've hit what feels like a rough section in my relationship with my fiance as well. It's not that I have any less feelings for her, on the contrary I do not think I could love her more, but I'm at this point where I feel like everything I do hurts her in some way. I understand that this is not true, but it does feel like every day something comes up that I did that upset her, or hurt her in some way and I'm so tired of screwing up in this. I want her to be happy, and yet I feel like I'm the sole cause of her pain at times. All I wanted was for her to not get in trouble with curfew, or go to class so that she does well, or etc. *sigh*

I know I'm not perfect, but I also know I should not have to deal with some of the things I do. I subconsciously take other people's burdens on my shoulders and then let them run me over as I try to offer my hand. It's not my problem and I know this, but I can't help but want to help and so put their weights upon myself. How can I not take the wait without disregarding the people carrying them? I do not get it at all...

Although Life is currently in suck mode, I know that I can make it because of the promises God has made to me. It is because of Him that I can praise Him "In this Storm". Despite all my weakness, all my failures, and even all my "strengths" I can worship Him, interact with Him, and just dwell in Him. For that I'm incredibly thankful, and I've come to realize more and more every day that the only reason I make it through each day is because I have to rely on His strength rather than my own, because when I rely on my own I get burned out, jaded, even more cynical than I already am at times.

Well that's all I got for this post at the moment. It's cathartic use has come to a close.

Grace and Peace.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What is D&D