You know how life can sometimes kick you in the face? Well, this morning was one of those moments, and it came from Jerry. I didn't know what was going on until the conversation started and all the sudden my size shrank from 6'2" to about 1cm I felt absolutely horrible, and like a failure at life. But, it was done in such a way that I can't blame anyone but myself for being in that position. Apparenlty, my strengths are outweighed by my weaknesses, and I need to start mentally, and spiritually, living in Clarksville and not just physically. Treat it as my home, so to speak. He was right, naturally, but it still hurts to get to the point of complete and utter dependence upon God. There are steps that I feel must be taken that I don't want to take. I'm not going home for the first time on a Thanksgiving holiday, and as if that wasn't hard enough, I have also requested to my parents to not pay for a ticket to go to Chile this December. That had to be one of the hardest requests that I had to give. I already haven't seen my girlfriend for a year, and yet, I feel like I must not go this December, at least for the time being, because God needs me to learn an important lesson. The lesson of a "sacrificial life" and to do that I have to be willing to do whatever he tells me.
I wrote one of the hardest letters I have ever had to write to my mom, and it wasn't because of anything they did, but rather, something I need to do because I need to learn to be dependent on God first and foremost. I find it ironic, that I have been preaching on these kinds of topics in the past two sermons, and yet, obviously I have not come to grips with it in my own life. I haven't fully given "me" to God. I know I have improved in areas of my life, and I have given some parts to God, but I haven't just thrown up my hands and said "I quit, God you do it!" Someone told me recently that being whole was biblical, and it is. We find a wholeness in God, but to become whole, we must first become broken, and that is where I am at. I have been pleading with God to break me, but I think before He does, He wants me to get the obstacles out of the way, and then I have to stop dodging the blows. It is so hard to learn these things. It is so hard to completely submit to God in everything. I want to do it all myself, but the more I do it myself, the more I screw things up, and the more I feel like a failure at life.
On the plus, I finally have the next topic that God would have me preach I think. So I need to start working on that soon, so that I can be prepared for next Sunday.
*sigh* It's days like this that make me want to quit. Being human is so complicated.