Yesterday had a new feeling for me... as we were traveling to the campus I came to the realization that I felt like I was coming home. Usually, I feel like I'm leaving home and going a trip (an extensive trip, albeit, but a trip nonetheless), but not so yesterday. I have come to realize that TFC has become my home. I actually walked around for a while contemplating it, and I think the main reason that I feel like I'm home is not because wherever I am I try to be there 100%, but rather the idea of community that is beginning to permeate the campus. I feel comfortable here; I am surrounded by people who are all trying to become the men and women they feel they need to be. Granted there are those few who do not do well in community, or at the very least, the one presented here at TFC, and they cause trouble for others, but that is just another part of living in a community. It's been really good for me to be in a place where there are people I can talk to that aren't the average Christian. It has been good to feel accepted for who I am, and not for what I do, or what people have expected of me. I know that those elements are still there, but I feel like the pressure is weakening. Maybe it's just me not caring what other's think as much, or maybe people are beginning to be more accepting of others, or maybe I'm just out of my mind, and none of it's true, and I've become blind to what the reality has set.
Despite all the things about TFC I find annoying, I have to admit I enjoy being here. I like being able to walk around, enjoying the night air or the sun shine, and sitting on benches, or swings to just relax a little. It is very peaceful to just sit on a swing overlooking the river and just exist in the silence. To no think, or to process information, but just to be... so peaceful.
I've also come to see that my relationship with God is becoming less emotionally based. Which is nice, because it means I'm getting past this unhealthy neediness that seems to dominate most of my life. I am coming to the point where I know that Christ died for me, that He rose on the third day, and saved me from my sin, but I don't have to get emotional about every little detail. Don't get me wrong, I still have moments where things hit me hard and I can become emotional. But daily operations are becoming more "Do what you think is right." I think, that is part of what God has been teaching me lately, to use my brain and the intelligence He has given me to make decisions about anything ranging from what I am going to wear to the woman I am to marry. It's all about doing what I think is right, and then God will correct me when I am wrong, which is part of the learning process of what is right. It's really a fascinating concept, and very practical... yet another way God is talking to me directly.
I used to feel God all the time, but then I realized that these "feelings" are really just my emotional "highs". It is OK to get emotional sometimes, but to keep a balance is so much essential. We can't let our lives be ruled by our emotions, but rather by our God. "The heart can be deceptive."
Just some thoughts....
My mom is coming in today, which makes me happy because she rocks.
Also, our dorm seems to not have warm water currently, so I had to take a cold shower. *shivers*
That's all for now. I had to cut my thoughts short because I have class in ten minutes.
Grace and Peace