Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Sick and Tired

I don't know what to do. I have been feeling like shit these past two days, and I honestly have no idea why. I have a theory here and there, but no definite answer. I want to cry. Seriously... I want to find a hole to crawl into and hide and cry until I no longer have any tears, and possibly cry a little past that. I feel depressed I guess, but there are so many things going on that I'm not really surprised.

I'm sick of getting walked on. I don't have the strength to keep getting up after that happens. I stand with my arm extended and I feel that all that ever happens is my hand being slapped away followed by a thrust of a sword into my gut. Straight through my armor and into my soul where it bleeds for weeks on end. I can only thank God for His grace on a people such as I. I don't have the strength to extend my hand. I feel like that picture Stephen drew (the one with the girl laying on the ground all bloodied up and there are two sets of footprints).

I'm sick of all the masks people wear. I suppose I have to say that I have caught myself wearing a few, but I quickly have gotten rid of them. I don't care if you had a shitty day, just don't pretend that all is well when you are falling into pieces on the inside. "Everything is fine La-ti-da-ti-da!" BULL SHIT!! YOU DON'T HAVE TO CARRY THIS BURDEN ALONE!! How hard is that to comprehend? Why do people assume that if something is going on that they need to fight it by themselves. No wonder this world is going to hell, no one is willing to offer their hand in help or to take the help that is offered. RAGE!!

I'm sick of all this drama that goes on at TFC. People need to mind their own business. If you want to know something, then ask the person it concerns, don't ask your friend who doesn't have a clue and therefore makes up something to satisfy your need. You don't have to know everything. It is not like this knowledge is going to change your life. So unless you are honestly concerned and just CAN'T live without knowing, then ask the person you're concerned for. *sigh* moving on...

I'm sick of people being so damn judgmental of others just because of a rumor they heard, or if they disagree with the theology that people like to throw in a box. Sorry, not every Christian will meet that flawed box that so many people immediately compare Christians too. I'm tired of the menacing looks to my friends, I'm tired of the arrogance that people have concerning their personal opinions. It is fine to have an opinion and to stand by it, but be tolerant, and flexible and actually consider others' opinions.

I'm sick of many thins, but people are people and I love people. Despite my need to destroy many things right now, it isn't an anger towards people (I know it looks/sounds/appears that way), but it is toward the actions of people. The bad self-esteem, the lies they listen to both by Satan and other people, the inability to accept a helping hand. I get so tired of our flaws, and I can't help but thank God for his grace to us. If He had created us to be robots we would all be dead right now. I honestly believe God loves us BECAUSE we have the choice, and we have to keep making the choice until we choose to believe the truth concerning it. Just like a parent would have to do for a son who is making bad decisions. The parent can go on and on about the decision being bad, but until the son decides to believe the truth of the parents word then nothing will change. You can't just chain him up that would get nothing done, so they continue to let him make the decisions. You get what I'm saying.

I think I've been talking too much as it is in this post so I'm done.


Erik said...

I'm sure Christ feels that way A LOT about us

Austin said...

Probably so...